Splitting - I see you

[Crumbling]

 

I've been thinking about how my BPDh uses splitting, and I was wondering if anyone knows if simply pointing out the behaviour helps?

The other day, I was painted black like coal.  I said to him, "You hate me right now, I see it, I feel it, I hear it in your words.  I don't know why, and I'm sorry."  Of course he argued, didn't own up to the feelings at all, and we had a typical discussion around the whole thing.  I even went so far as guessing, aloud, the exact point he started to see me as black.  Anyway, he changed the subject, I respected that, and the topic was closed.  Things never really got resolved in the moment.

... .but... .

I've noticed since then that I have not once been painted black!  It can typically fluctuate back and forth in a matter of hours sometimes, so this string of white has me perplexed     but in a good way.

I just wondered, has facing this trait head on really helped, or should I just go buy a lottery ticket?

c.

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[maxsterling]

I have often wondered what the reaction would be if during the "downward spiral" I said, "help me understand - two hours ago you said I was the best husband ever, and now you are calling me an xyz... ."

It's amazing how quickly she can go from white to black to white again.

[AnnaK]

Yes, once I made it acceptable to hate me from time to time, my bf got much more open with me.

That's the good thing.

They are intelligent enough to understand that hating someone you love... .is not entirely normal.

Now he just tells "I hate you" and that's acceptable between us. Or I tell him - "look, you are hostile to me and yesterday you were not. How do you think, what happened in between?"

The bad thing is that after I left India, I have been painted so black that he nearly ended our common flat lease contract (after breaking up with me, sure enough).

Now I've taken tickets back against his wish, and he sounds much less hostile, but totally confused.

He sounds like he is going to repaint me white, but does not understand what happened to him... .wasn't I a total monster just days ago?

[ColdEthyl]

I have often wondered what the reaction would be if during the "downward spiral" I said, "help me understand - two hours ago you said I was the best husband ever, and now you are calling me an xyz... ."

It's amazing how quickly she can go from white to black to white again.

My husband says "I hate you right now. I am very very pissed. I hate you!"

The key is he does say "right now", which means at least part of him realizes it's temporary. I've started to listen to his language a lot more, and I'm picking up subtle clues that help me identify how he feels and why.

Example: The other night he was in full dysregulation. I expected it since we visited his son over the weekend, and anything like that will usually put him in a funk a day or so after. He was upset that my son was out of bed (he wasn't, I made a post about it asking for help if anyone wants the full story) and after repeating himself 4 times I got upset and exclaimed "OK! I'll just go beat the SH&* out of him then if that's what you want!"

This is not helpful. I got upset and lost my cool, and of course threw him into a spiral. BUT, when he stared yelling that he would NEVER advocate beating my children (I said it sarcastically, and I NEVER spank my children. Spanking in my home is saved for a very serious offense. My children have not been spanked in 6 years) and I feel into a moment of JADE before I calmed down and used the tools. When I was JADEing, I kept trying to explain I was being sarcastic because of how much he was flipping out about something small.

What he said to me there was "But you said it angry!" DING DING DING!

Because I said something out of anger or in anger... .to HIM I must have meant it. It must be true. I knew that before... .but I'm starting to listen to the words he uses. Sometimes his thoughts are jumbled and it take me a moment to piece together what he's trying to communicate.

Try listening to their word choice. Sometimes answers and clues are hidden in there.

[Crumbling]

 

So yeah, the white streak ended pretty quick.  He came home from work last night, and I was Helga the Hag again.  We didn't connect once all night.  He stayed defensive and I stayed away. 

CE -    Those words sting deep, I know.  Listening to his language is a good strategy, one I use a lot.  It does help to remember it's temporary. 

Funny thing is, this morning, it was my turn to be a bear  .  I didn't lash out directly, but... .anxious, I felt really anxious when I woke up. 

And, well, yesterday, I spend two hrs preparing a beautiful fruit sauce and biscuits for dessert yesterday/ breakfast this morning.  When he came home in a huff, I wasn't going to 'reward' him with it, so I left it tucked away until breakfast and didn't say anything.

Well, um, this morning, I guess the coffee didn't have enough spark, or something, because I kind of forgot about the sauce and biscuits and fed him crappy oatmeal instead.  It was only about two hours after he left for work, did I notice the bowl on the bottom shelf of the fridge and remember... .

It does hold it's own little poetic justice, I guess, but I did apologize to him, too. 

We have good reason for the bumps last night.  He got laid off from work yesterday.  They will call him back when the thick of winter is over, but for now, we officially have no income as of next week.  And I loose my sanctuary, because I don't get to be here alone anymore.  :'(

The saga continues... .

[ColdEthyl]

So yeah, the white streak ended pretty quick.  He came home from work last night, and I was Helga the Hag again.  We didn't connect once all night.  He stayed defensive and I stayed away. 

CE -   Those words sting deep, I know.  Listening to his language is a good strategy, one I use a lot.  It does help to remember it's temporary. 

Funny thing is, this morning, it was my turn to be a bear  .  I didn't lash out directly, but... .anxious, I felt really anxious when I woke up. 

And, well, yesterday, I spend two hrs preparing a beautiful fruit sauce and biscuits for dessert yesterday/ breakfast this morning.  When he came home in a huff, I wasn't going to 'reward' him with it, so I left it tucked away until breakfast and didn't say anything.

Well, um, this morning, I guess the coffee didn't have enough spark, or something, because I kind of forgot about the sauce and biscuits and fed him crappy oatmeal instead.  It was only about two hours after he left for work, did I notice the bowl on the bottom shelf of the fridge and remember... .

It does hold it's own little poetic justice, I guess, but I did apologize to him, too. 

We have good reason for the bumps last night.  He got laid off from work yesterday.  They will call him back when the thick of winter is over, but for now, we officially have no income as of next week.  And I loose my sanctuary, because I don't get to be here alone anymore.  :'(

The saga continues... .

I'm sorry Crumbling that he got laid off. That will certainly be an event that will cause dysregulation. It sounds like it's temporary though so it might help if you keep reminding him it's a temporary problem.

If you don't get to be home alone anymore, is there another place you can go? Maybe some sort of class you can take to get your own free time?

The words he utters while in dysregulation do not bother me most of the time. I know it's just his way of venting, and he doesn't mean it in the long run. I can still be triggered though and I'm still working on that.

[Cole]

Crumbling,

Sorry to hear about your H being laid off, even if it is temporary.

I know my wife HAS to be engaged in something or she falls into 24/7 disreg. Does he have any hobbies that he does not have time for when working? Interest in volunteering somewhere? May be there is something to keep him occupied and give you your sanctuary time until he is called back?       

[Crumbling]

 , thanks for walking thru all this with me.

I've been thinking about listening to the clues in his words and actions.  Sometimes, lately, I seem to get a sense when it's okay to coax him to think about his own actions or words and their effect on me, and when it's best to just leave things be.  I still don't know if pointing out the issue helped him or not in this case.  When we were talking, it was like he had a hard time hearing me, or staying on topic, but yet for a few days after, it did seem to have a positive effect, for a little while, anyway.

I do have some hobbies/volunteer work lined up that I can start, away from home, that would eat up a few more hours a week.  But that will be my 'escape' plan, if I don't find myself some work first.  I have got to stay focused on this.

He has a huge beautiful garage he can hang out in, he just seems to choose not to, and he's mechanically inclined.  But, he's like your wife, Cole, he dysregs bad when he doesn't have employment.  We got the parts for the second vehicle, and now he has time, so fingers crossed, we may both have our own wheels again.

Anna - "How do you think, what happened in between?"  I love this question!  I know my guy sure doesn't think like me!

Max, maybe you could try it?  You know your situation best, but it seems that some of us can get somewhere with this technique sometimes. 

  

blessings to all, c.