BPD male and female "friends"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex had hardly any friends. Apart from me, whom he called his best friend (we'd been close for a few years before we became a couple), there were two guys he'd known since he was eleven or twelve and whom he would meet up with every couple of weeks to watch films. That was it. The rest of his life seemed to consist of short-lived, stormy romantic relationships that almost always ended with him severing all contact with the ex. He did sometimes reach out to exes, but he was very secretive about it - when I was with him I noticed that they would re-appear and disappear from his Facebook friends, and he never said a word to me about his interactions with them. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn't my business, but now I think it was very much my business - he used to lash out viciously if he felt I hadn't given him a detailed enough description of my lunch break, he saw cheating everywhere, and he was constantly telling me that his suspicions were my fault because I was "uncommunicative." Now I think this was him attributing his own thoughts and behaviour to me.

He would move quickly from relationship to relationship, and when it went sour, he would change his friendship group too - when he broke up with my replacement, she noticed he had about twenty new Facebook friends within a week, all strangers to her. When he broke up with me the first time he started going out to lots of bars and parties and trying to organise parties himself, so I recognised what he was doing there.

[balletomane]

My ex had hardly any friends. Apart from me, whom he called his best friend (we'd been close for a few years before we became a couple), there were two guys he'd known since he was eleven or twelve and whom he would meet up with every couple of weeks to watch films. That was it. The rest of his life seemed to consist of short-lived, stormy romantic relationships that almost always ended with him severing all contact with the ex. He did sometimes reach out to exes, but he was very secretive about it - when I was with him I noticed that they would re-appear and disappear from his Facebook friends, and he never said a word to me about his interactions with them. I tried to reassure myself that it wasn't my business, but now I think it was very much my business - he used to lash out viciously if he felt I hadn't given him a detailed enough description of my lunch break, he saw cheating everywhere, and he was constantly telling me that his suspicions were my fault because I was "uncommunicative." Now I think this was him attributing his own thoughts and behaviour to me.

He would move quickly from relationship to relationship, and when it went sour, he would change his friendship group too - when he broke up with my replacement, she noticed he had about twenty new Facebook friends within a week, all strangers to her. When he broke up with me the first time he started going out to lots of bars and parties and trying to organise parties himself, so I recognised what he was doing there.

[lovenature]

"Friends" of the opposite sex are typically previous attachments that the PWBPD tries desperately not to loose. They will make up a reality where they are the poor victim who was hurt so much by ex's and triangulate to get their needs met. It is up to us to stop being an "orbiter" who is an OPTION for them when others aren't available to sooth their fear of abandonment.

[vortex of confusion]

Ex preferred the company of females. He had guy friends and was a part of guy groups with church and stuff. There were a few female friendships that he had that bothered the snot out of me. It wasn't the number of friends as much as how he interacted with them. I know that he preferred female bosses and female coworkers. He is in a female dominated field.

The one "friend" he had that bothered the snot out of me was his ex fiance. Whenever we would go to his home town and we would run into her, she would hug him and talk to him like they were best friends. It is funny that ex's dad hated it. His dad thought it was rude and disrespectful of her and him to carry on like that. Ex's mom didn't seem to care or notice. She had to be nice as did ex. Ex's dad would slink away and would get irritated with both of them for not respecting the fact that ex was married to me. When ex finally got the nerve to unfriend her on FB, she sent ME a message telling me that he was in trouble for something or other. Needless to say, I lit into her and I am sure that I sounded crazy. There were several other women that he was "friends" with that made my skin crawl. There was something about the way he talked about them and interacted with them. I am sorry but you don't sit there and gush over another woman to your current partner. I don't want to hear how great and amazing and beautiful and talented and blah, blah, blah this other woman is. And don't get upset when I ask if you have a crush on her or something. Why else would a guy do the whole starry eyed gushing over another woman like that?

When I was a kid, my friends were predominantly male because I liked cars and bugs and stuff like that. As an adult, I don't choose my friends based on their genitalia. Since my ex is bisexual, the gender thing is kind of irrelevant. It was more about how he talked about the other person, how he interacted with them, and how he treated me when in that person's presence. If he was with somebody and ignored me or automatically assumed that I was jealous or untrusting, that sent up a huge red flag for me. Of course, he would promptly dismiss my concerns and say that I was being ridiculous, jealous, insecure, or whatever.

[stimpy]

I deflected her jealousy induction repeatedly. I think it drove her crazy can't she couldn't manipulate me in that way. I told her that being with someone was a choice and that if she wanted to leave just leave. She didn't believe me and left and then tried to recycle me. The shock of me not allowing that is still being played out in her stalking. Such arrogance. We are not toys to be played with. You're worth higher standards than that.

My ex tried the jealousy thing ALL the time, with almost anyone who was there, it didn't seem to matter. At one point I remember saying to her after she had been ignored me at a party and gone chatting to some guy who apparently had been messaging her... .I said, "I'm not going to fight for you, if you want to be with him, then leave me." This caused a huge row, and not that soon after I got the  discard. Later she tried the recycle, which I refused, and again, like you, that's when the stalking started. It lasted a year. Like you say, such arrogance.

Looking back, when she felt in control of the relationship, she was a bully, and alternatively when she realised that she'd gone too far and ruined things, she'd try the pity play, and if that failed then she'd try and prevent me from moving on by stalking me.

As for normal friends, well not many of either sex tbh, I think she used her family (mother, daughters, grand children) for her social world, and I think really they were "supply" as in narcissistic supply more than anything else.