Shunning - What do you think?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys,

I was having a conversation with a friend and informing him of him of my recent BU.  I was explaining my gratitude about my son's recent health improvements.  How my son's chronic chest pains and lethargy are gone since my exBF moved out and how both sad and wonderful, and also bizarre that it all is.  ^{Because exBF did not overtly appear to be causing stress in our home}

He replied to me: "It sounds like something I heard regarding shunning.  Read up about it.  Because of the covert nature of this, the victims are unable to comprehend, process or defend their experiences, and often internalize many physiological responses.  They can feel tightness, anguish, distress and because they cannot identify the source to find an outlet and deal with it, it remains within them and causes an unknown internal suffering of the body."

So at that moment, I did a quick google search and:  .

I regret that I do not have the info that I searched at that moment, and I cannot find it to post.  I have since gone back to find it to share with you all, but I keep encountering shunning regarding workplace issues and not as concise as I wish.  I was looking for one that described shunning in terms of r/s dynamics, and also includes the physiological response and damage that occurs over time.  Hopefully another member will help better with this, please?.

Now, I know that we are all mostly familiar with PA and silent treatment, and this may sound only like a redundant semantic difference to many of you, or you may have thought of this already.  However, I had not come across this both familiar, yet also, unfamiliar word within my r/s context, and the meaning of this one word rings truer and more concise to me and my own circumstance with my uN/BPDexbf than all the other traits.  It better captures the specific nature of his PA and silent treatments for me.  ^{I have some hypothesis about this that I will save for now.}



I now can look back and pretty much categorize all of his behavior as either shunning or rewarding.  (I used to use the word punishing, however, there is a minor nuance that I am observing and now feel, shunning is a slightly more accurate word.)

I am interested to hear everyone's thoughts about this... .

• Have you thought of the word shunning before?



• Does it ring different than the terms PA or silent Tx for you?



• If so, why do you think that is?



• Have you read about the physiological affects?

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

I was having a conversation with a friend and informing him of him of my recent BU.  I was explaining my gratitude about my son's recent health improvements.  How my son's chronic chest pains and lethargy are gone since my exBF moved out and how both sad and wonderful, and also bizarre that it all is.  ^{Because exBF did not overtly appear to be causing stress in our home}

He replied to me: "It sounds like something I heard regarding shunning.  Read up about it.  Because of the covert nature of this, the victims are unable to comprehend, process or defend their experiences, and often internalize many physiological responses.  They can feel tightness, anguish, distress and because they cannot identify the source to find an outlet and deal with it, it remains within them and causes an unknown internal suffering of the body."

So at that moment, I did a quick google search and:  .

I regret that I do not have the info that I searched at that moment, and I cannot find it to post.  I have since gone back to find it to share with you all, but I keep encountering shunning regarding workplace issues and not as concise as I wish.  I was looking for one that described shunning in terms of r/s dynamics, and also includes the physiological response and damage that occurs over time.  Hopefully another member will help better with this, please?.

Now, I know that we are all mostly familiar with PA and silent treatment, and this may sound only like a redundant semantic difference to many of you, or you may have thought of this already.  However, I had not come across this both familiar, yet also, unfamiliar word within my r/s context, and the meaning of this one word rings truer and more concise to me and my own circumstance with my uN/BPDexbf than all the other traits.  It better captures the specific nature of his PA and silent treatments for me.  ^{I have some hypothesis about this that I will save for now.}



I now can look back and pretty much categorize all of his behavior as either shunning or rewarding.  (I used to use the word punishing, however, there is a minor nuance that I am observing and now feel, shunning is a slightly more accurate word.)

I am interested to hear everyone's thoughts about this... .

• Have you thought of the word shunning before?



• Does it ring different than the terms PA or silent Tx for you?



• If so, why do you think that is?



• Have you read about the physiological affects?

[ReluctantSurvivor]

To me shunning and silent treatment are in the same vein.  I experienced both, though not fully realizing it as it occurred.  The shunning I experienced was of my dBPDexgf being distant and hostile on bad days, snapping at me for looking at her.  She would have micro-rages over being hugged some days as well.  It was all so subtle at the time, one day she would be a bubbly love bomb, the next a pit of despair.  I was slowly boiled by this and did not realize how horrible it affected my health.  I gained tons of weight over the two years, became deeply depressed and lost all interest in life as a whole.  Things that should have brought me joy, such as passing classes in school and advancing at work felt pointless.  I went through the motions of school and work because logically I knew it was a good thing to do but by the last year in the r/s I was pretty much dead inside.  I read this in an article yesterday regarding silent treatment:

The silent treatment is considered by many to be a form of verbal abuse. It is also a form of psychological and/or emotional abuse. It is toxic. It is a betrayal of all that love is meant to be.

I didn't accept that I was being horribly abused.  I don't think it was a malicious act on her part, just a nasty part of her mental illness but regardless it was hurting me more than I noticed.  8 months out I am finally coming out of the FOG, detaching and starting to worry about myself again.

One odd anecdote:  When my ex went into flight mode, she left her cat behind for 4 months.  The poor thing was a recluse and had horrible mats in her fur.  In my dBPDex's absence the cat came out of her shell and began to groom herself again, slowly losing all the fur issues.  I mentioned this to my therapist at the time and he said that it is amazing what negative energy can do to everyone and everything in an environment.   

[hurting300]

To me shunning and silent treatment are in the same vein.  I experienced both, though not fully realizing it as it occurred.  The shunning I experienced was of my dBPDexgf being distant and hostile on bad days, snapping at me for looking at her.  She would have micro-rages over being hugged some days as well.  It was all so subtle at the time, one day she would be a bubbly love bomb, the next a pit of despair.  I was slowly boiled by this and did not realize how horrible it affected my health.  I gained tons of weight over the two years, became deeply depressed and lost all interest in life as a whole.  Things that should have brought me joy, such as passing classes in school and advancing at work felt pointless.  I went through the motions of school and work because logically I knew it was a good thing to do but by the last year in the r/s I was pretty much dead inside.  I read this in an article yesterday regarding silent treatment:

The silent treatment is considered by many to be a form of verbal abuse. It is also a form of psychological and/or emotional abuse. It is toxic. It is a betrayal of all that love is meant to be.

I didn't accept that I was being horribly abused.  I don't think it was a malicious act on her part, just a nasty part of her mental illness but regardless it was hurting me more than I noticed.  8 months out I am finally coming out of the FOG, detaching and starting to worry about myself again.

One odd anecdote:  When my ex went into flight mode, she left her cat behind for 4 months.  The poor thing was a recluse and had horrible mats in her fur.  In my dBPDex's absence the cat came out of her shell and began to groom herself again, slowly losing all the fur issues.  I mentioned this to my therapist at the time and he said that it is amazing what negative energy can do to everyone and everything in an environment.   

you just blew my mind with this... .Silent Treatment is abuse. And my ex had a dog that she said was abused. Its amazing how great that dog got when she moved in with me.

[unicorn2014]

Hey guys,

I was having a conversation with a friend and informing him of him of my recent BU.  I was explaining my gratitude about my son's recent health improvements.  How my son's chronic chest pains and lethargy are gone since my exBF moved out and how both sad and wonderful, and also bizarre that it all is.  ^{Because exBF did not overtly appear to be causing stress in our home}

He replied to me: "It sounds like something I heard regarding shunning.  Read up about it.  Because of the covert nature of this, the victims are unable to comprehend, process or defend their experiences, and often internalize many physiological responses.  They can feel tightness, anguish, distress and because they cannot identify the source to find an outlet and deal with it, it remains within them and causes an unknown internal suffering of the body."

So at that moment, I did a quick google search and:  .

I regret that I do not have the info that I searched at that moment, and I cannot find it to post.  I have since gone back to find it to share with you all, but I keep encountering shunning regarding workplace issues and not as concise as I wish.  I was looking for one that described shunning in terms of r/s dynamics, and also includes the physiological response and damage that occurs over time.  Hopefully another member will help better with this, please?.

Now, I know that we are all mostly familiar with PA and silent treatment, and this may sound only like a redundant semantic difference to many of you, or you may have thought of this already.  However, I had not come across this both familiar, yet also, unfamiliar word within my r/s context, and the meaning of this one word rings truer and more concise to me and my own circumstance with my uN/BPDexbf than all the other traits.  It better captures the specific nature of his PA and silent treatments for me.  ^{I have some hypothesis about this that I will save for now.}



I now can look back and pretty much categorize all of his behavior as either shunning or rewarding.  (I used to use the word punishing, however, there is a minor nuance that I am observing and now feel, shunning is a slightly more accurate word.)

I am interested to hear everyone's thoughts about this... .

• Have you thought of the word shunning before?



• Does it ring different than the terms PA or silent Tx for you?



• If so, why do you think that is?



• Have you read about the physiological affects?

What does PA mean in this context?

[Pingo]

Sunflower, it took a T to point out to me that ST is abuse. My mother abused/abuses me with it, my uBPDexh abused me with it.  When we hear the word 'abuse' it sometimes is shocking as we are quick to blame all of their behaviours on their PD and don't want to believe that any of it can be on purpose and malicious... .maybe this is why 'Shunning' was a word that rang true for you? There isn't the malice associated with that word perhaps?  I think we get caught up in 'abuse' being what only monsters would do. I don't think so. Even my 10 year old son can be abusive when he has a temper tantrum over something he doesn't like. For me, accepting that I had been abused was very difficult and still to this day I have trouble with it, wanting to rationalise it or minimise it.

They can feel tightness, anguish, distress and because they cannot identify the source to find an outlet and deal with it, it remains within them and causes an unknown internal suffering of the body.

I certainly understand this! I developed an anxious tic in my belly mid-way through my 4 yr r/s and I am 9 mths out and still can't get rid of it although it is better on some days when my anxiety is low... .I was in total denial about what the cause was. I didn't want to look at the fact that walking on eggshells every single day was the cause... .

And my dog has also calmed down a lot since he has left so I do also believe that the animals sense our anxiety.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey Sunflower-

I say if the word shunning works for you, go for it.  I chose more colorful things like my ex was a cold heartless btch with a lousy disposition and a vile attitude, but hey, that was just me in pissed off mode.  As long as the tools we're using help us find the light, there are no bad ones.

Synonyms for shun include:

despise

disdain

eschew

neglect

pass up

refuse

reject

scorn

snub

bilk

cold-shoulder

cut

decline

ditch

dodge

duck

elude

escape

evade

shake

shy

stall

get around

give a wide berth

give the runaround

have no part of

have nothing to do with

hide out

keep away from

keep clear of

palm off

shake off

stand aloof from

stay shy of

steer clear of

Some of those fit better than others for me, which do you like that augments shun for you?

[Smileypants]

I have gained weight, have nausea, dizzy spells, fatigue spells, chest pains, migraines that have increased tenfold.  I feel old and weak (I'm only 35).  I now know that his negative energy affects me greatly.  Oddly enough, removing my wedding ring (which I feel is drenched in negative energy) lifts my mood and my overall outlook.  I can't let him see do that of course, otherwise I will regret it.  Sometimes I feel that I am getting closer to divorce, then it will feel like I am the unreasonable one (even though I know I am not).

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you for responding guys.  After reading the responses, I'm thinking that the word "shunning" itself is not so important to me and my experience.  What is important was that I received validation for a "flavor," or rather a small nuance of the dysfunctional dynamic that I was before missing, and not registering.  This is what felt so huge to me.

I guess to organize it in sort of hierarchy... .

I think both shunning and the silent treatment are types of passive aggressive behaviors.  Shunning can happen in the form of the silent treatment. However, it can also happen in other ways, such as him intentionally picking a movie that he knows will cause me to leave the room.

I didn't accept that I was being horribly abused.  I don't think it was a malicious act on her part, just a nasty part of her mental illness but regardless it was hurting me more than I noticed.  8 months out I am finally coming out of the FOG, detaching and starting to worry about myself again.

Yes, this is how I feel too.  No matter what I call it, I feel like just a small bit of FOG was cleared again. It is happening little by little for me.

One odd anecdote:  When my ex went into flight mode, she left her cat behind for 4 months.  The poor thing was a recluse and had horrible mats in her fur.  In my dBPDex's absence the cat came out of her shell and began to groom herself again, slowly losing all the fur issues.  I mentioned this to my therapist at the time and he said that it is amazing what negative energy can do to everyone and everything in an environment.

Wow! So sad, so clear too!

Wow, so many of us have physiological symptoms to share, both us, and our loved ones/and pets.  I guess I find this interesting. Being in these environments, even when it "doesn't seem to cause that much damage," is so powerful.

[hope2727]

Shunning was used in ancient cultures as a punishment for crimes. It was a form of banishment and was worse than a death sentence in some cultures. It is still used in some indigenous cultures today as part of sentencing circles. To be shunned or banished in ancient times meant suffering and death.

We are social beings and exclusion is one of the most painful things we can endure psychologically. Google the cyber ball experiments and you will see what I mean. Its hard wired into us to seek the comfort and support of others. Being rejected is PAINFUL! Seriously google cyberball. You will be amazed.