Advice for maintaining NC

[Free2Bee]

For the past three months, I've been in a r/s with a woman who I now believe has BPD. It's the same old story: First six weeks or so were magical, then the first 'rage episode' and breakup and so on. Last Thursday, she flew into a rage after putting me in a no-win situation. She packed her stuff (she lives in another city and stayed with me on weekends) and went NC.

After a lot of reading and thinking and good advice from folks on the 'undecided' board, I've decided to maintain NC and let go of the relationship.

The only belongings of mine she still has are easily replaceable. She borrowed my digital camera - today I went out and bought a new one so I wouldn't be tempted to contact her for it.

I've now blocked her on iMessage, all her known email addresses and I removed her as a connection on Linkedin. She has apparently left Facebook so I can't block her there.

Are there any other steps I should take? I don't have a cell phone, just a landline, but we rarely spoke on the phone (when we did, I phoned her). My landline has a voicemail so I can screen calls.

Emotionally, I'm feeling strong right now. It's hard though - I miss her so much. I have a lot of support from friends and family.

One worry I have: What should I do if she shows up physically at my door?

Thanks for your help,

Kai

[Learning_curve74]

Hi Kai, it sounds like you've looked at the facts and decided to make a decisive step by ending the r/s and going NC. That isn't always the easiest thing to do, and it's natural for you to worry about it.

It's really a good thing to have that support from friends and family. You can always try and call or meet with one of them any time you start to have the urge to contact your ex. Substitute talking with one of them instead of with your ex.

As far as if she comes to your home, you can refuse her entry, let her know that you have no desire to discuss anything, and that it is in her best interests to leave. You would hope that it would not escalate, but you may have to be ready to call on law enforcement to have her removed if she gets violent.

You may feel strong now and may feel weak later. It comes and goes. NC isn't about her, it's about you. You simply need some time and space away from her for the healing process to begin. Best wishes to you, Kai.  

[fromheeltoheal]

Like learning says, no contact is a tool, not a command, the whole point being to disconnect from her emotionally.  We've all had mixed feelings towards our ex, if it was all bad you would have left right away, but if you're having enough trouble in the relationship that you ended up here, obviously the bad is outweighing the good at this point.  Healing and detachment involve disconnecting from her emotionally, by doing whatever you need to do including no contact if necessary, getting your feet on the ground, processing all the emotions that come up, which will change along with your perception of her once you get some time and some distance, and then shifting the focus from her to you, and from the past to the future.  It takes what it takes, keep talking, and take care of you!

[seeking balance]

My lifeline for staying NC was article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

I printed it out and any time I was tempted to reach out on my own, I read and reread until that urge passed.

One worry I have: What should I do if she shows up physically at my door?

Should this happen, remember the tools from the staying board.  Listen to what she says, validate her emotion (whether it is yours or not) and restate your boundary.  If she rages, tell her she should leave or you will be forced to call the police and you really don't want to do that.  Say goodbye and close the door.

For the record, way easier said than done, but it is possible to do and it will work and you will feel discombobulated for a bit after.

Hang in there,

SB

[Free2Bee]

This is all good advice! Thank you... .

In my reading about BPD, I've tended to skim over the stuff about communication and techniques because I was pretty sure I'd be leaving my relationship, but I guess I'd better bone up on that stuff so I have some tools to work with if she comes to my door.

My tough-guy neighbour is aware of what's going on (I live in an apartment building and he lives across the hall). No one *ever* knocks on my door without phoning first unless they're selling something so I'm planning to not open it unless I know who's there. And I can enter my building in such a way as to avoid the lobby (I'll only need to do this on weekends - she only comes into the city then).

Seeking, I know the article you're talking about - I already have it bookmarked. It's been comforting and helpful to me too!

I'm very, very keen to avoid any contact with her at all because I *know* how hard it will be not to respond to her if she reaches out. Breaks my heart... . this is really tough stuff... .

[irishmarmot]

Hi, kai, I am in day 7 of NC with my expwBPD.   Like yourself I had a short relationship of 4 months.   She has texed me twice on 2 days, and I have her blocked on everything.  I do get weak at times but have been talking to my friends and reading and posting here.  This board helps a lot.  There is no telling what your ex is gonna do because she has BPD.  But from what people say here, if she does reach out to you it's about her needs not yours.   To her you are just an object to meet a need she has at that time.  So stay strong and keep reading and posting.

[Free2Bee]

That's a really good point, Irishmarmot, and a good thing to keep in mind if she *does* try to get in touch. I have her blocked everywhere and I'm screening my calls.

I feel like the weekend is sort of the 'danger zone' because that's when she had time off work and used to come to my city. I'm a bit nervous about the coming weekend and planning to move cautiously through my regular routine, maybe switch things up where I can to avoid ambush.

LOL, I feel like I'm a military strategist!

Maybe I'm being a paranoid but I'm certain that if I had to face her in person, I would have an incredibly tough time staying strong. I guess that's why NC is so important, eh?

Day 7 NC, my friend. WE ROCK! 

[bpdspell]

Hey Kai,

So far you're on track with the physical steps of assuring that your relationship with this woman is done for good. Cutting off all forms of communication is a strong signal to the Universe that you want this former part of your life to be over for good.

Now you can put the focus on yourself and your emotional world.  Now would be the time to focus on the emotional aspects of why you were attracted to this woman…

In my opinion the toughest work is focusing on the emotional aspects of why we miss someone who treated us poorly and navigating the whys of that. That way are aren't doomed to repeat the same mistakes going in to your next relationship.

I missed my ex so much in the beginning of our breakup. It felt like my heart was dipped in acid. Very painful. Even though I didn't like my ex very much the abandonment burned. It was like cutting off my hand to save my arm. I had a lot of emotional truth telling to do before things got better and as much as I wanted to I couldn't side step this part of the healing process….

This emotional work is tough but it's well worth it and in my opinion is the GOOD that comes out of these horrific BPD experiences.

Spell

[Free2Bee]

Spell,

It's like you read my mind! This is exactly the direction my thinking is going. Now that I've taken care of the logistics of the breakup and started to make space for myself to process what happened, I'm reflecting on my own personality and what led me to be attracted this person and this relationship.

I've ordered the book 'Codependent No More' from the library and I'm starting to think about what it was that drew me into this relationship to begin with. I definitely think there's a pattern in this relationship and the one previous. I tend to be a 'caretaker/rescuer' and this aspect of my personality was drawn out strongly with my BPD partner.

Even though she was physically very strong (worked out a lot, ran every day), there was a 'waifish' element to her personality. She was constantly sick and in pain. She had a gastrointestinal disorder, migraines, a bad back, bad knees and sometimes she 'didn't feel well' for no particular reason. I was always racing to get her tea, or encourage her to rest. I used to prepare food for her to take home during the week (she lived outside the city and spent weekends with me here) because she didn't eat healthy otherwise.

I'm taking a close look at my reasons for doing all of that. I think I need to face up to these aspects of my personality and make some changes - especially if I want to have a healthy relationship with a normal person in the future.