Unsure how to respond when shut out

[Deerhaven]

After 17 years of confusion, I've recently determined my 30 year old daughter has BPD.  She has not been formally diagnosed but Walking on Eggshells book and two psychologist's opinions support BPD.  I have done everything in my power to help her situation in life but am most often the villain in her story.  She recently cut me off with a text saying "I don't want to talk because I don't feel safe in our relationship anymore."  This has never happened before and it was shortly after I stated some boundaries.  I'm very conflicted about how to respond. I love my daughter so much and am terribly sad about this. Also, her sister just had a baby. Could jealousy be part of this?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Ourworld]

Hello Deerhaven,

I feel that my daughter suffers with this disorder; I did not realize this because she did not show major horrible behavior around me, but I have come to realize there were signs I missed once she became a teenager. I worked civil service and when she had graduated from college at 25 years old and was living with her fiancé I took a job in Germany. I thought she was ok, but when I came back, she was 27, and that was when she told me that she would no longer speak to me.
That was 11 years ago, last July I found out that she left her husband that she had married in secret from friends and family while I was gone.

He has severe mental illness from the military (schizophrenia, complex PTSD, agrophobia, and panic disorder) and had gone into psychosis for 10 months. She finally left after about 6 months, but had been ignoring him for a year or so he told me.
He managed to get himself to the VA 4 months later and checked himself into the psych ward. He is now on better medication and receiving regular therapy and some counseling, he’s been pretty clear-headed and contacted me (he never blocked me) at the beginning of the year. That was when I found out about her lies to him because of her messed up memory of things and horrible behavior.

I tell you this because I believe that when she saw the horrors of this dominating her life, believe it or not, this was her way of not showing that side to me from embarrassment.
I am a widow now, and she was an only child, we were quite close and she was an honor student identified as being gifted.

I have strong Christian values and constantly remind myself that she is God’s child, and that I was blessed to raise her, and I know that I did my best, but now she’s in His hands. I have to constantly remind myself of this as I pray and talk with God about her at least daily.
He knows my pain, and I really hope that she contacts and re-connects with me as her friend someday, but her life is her own now at age 38.

It also helps me to be mentoring my SIL whom she also blocked last July. Not only was he on the wrong medications for his problems (he has major hallucinations and was having seizures), now he also has a TBI from falling from a seizure a few years ago! He has no family or friends that care.

I know it’s heartbreaking, but really all you can do is pray (a big deal)for her and re-connection (this will just be as friends to go shopping or to restaurants, etc.)

Intercessory prayer is VERY important, you see I was very sick with kidney damage discovered after emergency surgery when I was 3. I not only lived, but the damaged kidney is no longer damaged, it is just 1/3 the size of a regular kidney.

I know this is hard to hear, but you must live your own life, and are truly blessed by a new grand baby!

Her blocking you is not jealousy or real anger at you, my SIL said that my daughter has called me a schizophrenic (

[Ourworld]

Her calling me schizophrenic was totally hilarious and unfounded! Her husband said that she doesn’t even know what it is.

[Sancho]

Hi Deerhaven
I think you are on the money when you ask if the baby's arrival has something to do with things. Anything that takes attention from someone with BPD exposes their intense abandonment and the person likely to be the 'target of blame' is the one that is their main support ie the one they need to feel is completely 'theirs'.

This combined with you setting some boundaries would be clear triggers in my experience.

Such a tough situation.

I think JADE comes in handy here ie not to Judge, Argue, Discuss or Explain.

Your dd is operating through emotions so being logical just makes the emotions worse - once again in my experience.

I would send a breezy 'So sorry you feel that way. You know I am here for you always. Love.'

Something like that.

[Ourworld]

Hi,

When I said at the end of my post that it wasn’t jealousy or anger at you personally. What I meant was what Sancho pointed out about emotions. That was why I told you about her emotional way of calling me a schizo.

I’m sorry if it wasn’t clear, Sancho has experience and understanding I do not of this disorder, my experience is limited to just my daughter, that she cut me off at 27.

Take care, OurWorld

[kaylacookie]

I am so sorry the I your experience and I can validate the horrific pain of being cut off and to be accused wrongly of bad behavior.  I would like to hear others' experiences and how it is possible to stay grounded and not be severely depressed with this situation. This has happened to me as well with my 29 year old daughter for past 2 1/2 years-very similar to being confused about her behavior (because my daughter only show her explosive, immature,  and self centered behaviors in private) and about her cutting me off.  I also am extremely sad and depression has rendered me disabled at time.  I am recently divorced from my ex of 30 years who also had personality issues and accused me of unkindness and direct that he actually was guilty of. After my divorce, I promised myself that I would not let anyone treat me with disrespect, lack of empathy or compassion sand this i the situaiton I find myself in with my daughter. Our last contact was a text where she aid I need to go to therapy and work through my childhood traumas and realize how my behavior has resulted in her "setting boundaries".  In the text she aid he love me, but the I the only way for u to have a healthy relationship and she hope I will make a good choices sand go to therapy and contact her when I have "done the work" I need to on my self.   I do not want to admit to things I have not done and I want my daughter to be able to take responsibility in our relationship, but I miss her desperately. I am having difficulty managing my mood even with the help of psychiatric medication (Ssri) and psychotherapy.  I am desperate and hope I can get validation and guidance from you and others.

[kaylacookie]

Sancho, Is it your belief (and family of BPD community's belief) that we should not expect the family member to take responsibility for their behavior?  should we resign ourselves to walking on eggshell and not being real in our interactions?