So, I have been in a relationship with my BPD friend for over 40 years. 99% of the time, things are just absolutely, positively fantastic. We laugh, joke, enjoy conversing on a variety of subjects, travel together, share holidays with our family, chill with Netflix, cook, take in concerts & theatre, etc. We have a very open communication line, and can tell each other most anything!
But then, 1% of the time...it all comes crashing down in a split second, with little warning and no way out. Just two months ago, I was witness to the 3rd major raging event to (temporarily) destroy our friendship. The first came in 2004 when I was visiting him in D.C., where he was working at the time, the second came in 2012 out in CA, where he was visiting me for the summer, and this third installment came when I was staying for a weekend in his brand new house located in our old hometown. The scenario has been nearly identical in each case--- everything is going fine, then I apparently make a casual, totally insignificant statement which then sends him into a tailspin. It happens so fast, I'm not even always sure exactly what it was I said, and he will never disclose it. He'll only ask me to leave, or leave himself, or both. This has been followed by a long period with the silent treatment. The first episode, I had just stated how intelligent my secretary was, even though she never had the opportunity to go to college. He asked me to pack my things and leave. The second time, the last thing I said was that the University of Alabama was basically a research institution like many other colleges. He then got up and left. In this last situation, I have no idea what I said, as I was actually not addressing him at the time, but someone else in the room. Now, after this latest episode, I'm at a loss to know exactly what to do next, if anything. Things I've tried in the past never really seemed to work anyway to break the ice- paying him a visit, calling him, sending a message, writing a letter, etc. Other than a couple short group texts he likely saw recently in a family chat, the only other 'communication' I've had with him is a birthday card I sent. No message in it...just my signature & a small gift of a mask I had previously ordered for him.
I have on good authority from our mutual friends that he immediately went into a manic mode of sorts after throwing me out of his house- upped and drove to Florida and was going to sell his brand new home (which he loved) and move there, then changed his mind, gave away his cat (whom he also loved)... the stories are just very concerning to me. When he has come back before after a period of silence, he just jumped back into life as if nothing at all occurred. I did get an apology the first time, but not the second. And as for this go-around, who knows? He curiously already reached out with a mea culpa with the other person who was in the room when he blew his fuse. But as for me---crickets. It's funny that he actually joked recently that with us getting older, he wouldn't be able to stop talking to me for long periods of time like he had in the past, as we were far too valuable to each other now- helping each other to remember things, etc. I thought at the time that the comment was an interesting one, and now several weeks later, here we are.
Does anyone with ample experience in this department have any suggestions? I do totally understand the mechanics behind BPD and how his mind is likely viewing me right now. But, I keep thinking there has to be a way to trick his brain into recovering more quickly. He did tell friends that he intends to start therapy again and possibly see about a change in meds with his doctor. Hopefully, he follows through with that plan. My goal is to salvage this friendship. Our good times have far outweighed the bad. But, no lie- the bad have been heartbreaking for sure.
It's very difficult to accept being suddenly cut out of the life of someone you've truly loved and cared about for so many years.
Thank you for listening to my story. Much appreciated.
