bad panic attack

[Glenna]

I have been trying really hard with my uBPDd36. Last night I brought up validating and told her I realized that I had been invalidating with her. Etc. It was a short but sound conversation and we went to bed in peace.

This morning she was back to hypercritical, bad mood, I was bad, kids were bad, on and on and on. I felt really sick and went outside. Too hot and noisy there, went back in. She accused me of faking sick to ruin her day, or worse, to ruin an important impending project. Felt so much worse, went to walk in clinic. There I had a horrible panic attack, unlike anything I ever had before. I was trembling, and so completely beside myself I could do nothing but cry. I felt terrible fear. I realized that I was just breaking down. I try so hard, all day and even in the night I don't stop worrying and trying to improve myself so that things can be better. I just couldn't take anymore. She is so not nice to me and now has my beloved gc's treating me badly too. 

They gave me a prescription for 4 low dose xanax, which I better hoard. I have 2 more weeks.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[tristesse]

Glenna I am so sorry you are going through this horrible experience.

You need to realize that you can only do much, your daughter is sick, and if she isn't working on herself and getting better, there isn't much you can do. It has to go both ways, she has to realize that there is a problem and then she has to try and fix said problem before she can get well. You are making an impact and a difference just by continuing to try, and although your dd doesn't act like it, she notices your efforts.

I am going to suggest you work on setting boundaries with your dd and your gc. There is a link on the right side of the board under tools, 5th one down, communicate boundaries and limits. You need the boundaries in place for your own well being and health. Sometimes we have to step away from the situation to re-evaluate also. If your dd and gc are being abusive, verbally, mentally or physically, you need to distance yourself for protection.

Self care is so so so important, and I didn't understand that when I first started coming to this site, but you do need to care for yourself first and foremost. My own dd would call me a drama queen, or say I was faking, or I have exaggerated whatever the illness was, nd I would feel bad, I let her manipulate me and my reactions to her for a very very long time, so I understand.

Please take care of yourself, and if your dd rages, let her rage. do not react, stay calm and distance yourself from the storm.

I will be thinking of you, take care.

[AVR1962]

Glenna, is your daughter living with you? You mentioned bringing up the topic of validating and then told her that you realized that you had been invalidating and hen this is when she started with the negative behavior? Is that correct? Were you trying to open communication lines with her? Can she relate to a conversation that involves feelings and emotions connected to herself and you, or is anything mentioned projected with blame towards you?

You do not have to stand for and tolerate the abuse just because she is your child. She has the right to express herself but you have the right to your reaction as well. My suggestion here, just from my own experiences, is not to think your daughter can actually sit and have a conversation where you tell her that you have been invalidating towards her as she will jump on this in a heart beat and not in a way hat is productive but in a way that furthers her blame towards you. These situations become too difficult for us to handle and then we start breaking own. You can't change your daughter and sadly there will be little you can do to help her. What you can be is assertive, telling her that she is responsible for herself and her own emotions. You can listen, you can encourage, you can validate but be careful about saying you had not done these in the past. When she starts in on a meltdown let her know that you are confident in her choices. If she starts on blame you can tell her you are sorry she feels this way but end it nicely and as soon as you can, let her know any hurts she has from you were not intentional and that you love her and the rest you have to put on your armor and deflect the arrows. Realize she has to find herself but you are not responsible for her to do that.

You have a right to your life, a right to your happiness and a right to pursue your desires... .do it! Do things with your friends, start a hobby, but don't count on her wanting a real true honest connection.

[Glenna]

Dear AVR1962,

Thank you for your feedback and support.

She is staying with my until Sept 7ish. With her 2 sons, 9 & 11.

I was definitely trying to open communication with her. I do see that on some level she would like to stop the ugly dynamic, but she is not capable of doing that. Yes, she may use it against me. At this time however she has so many other problems that are pressing. Money for one. She is careless and then has overdraft fees which she goes crazy over. That was this am's rage.

I have no discernable rights or boundaries re: her. She has an incredible double standard. The only way I will be able to protect myself in the future will be to not let her and the gc's come to stay with me. Will I be able to do this? I don't know.

Dear Tristesse,

Thank you for your support and suggestions. At this time I have to say I am so beat up emotionally that I can hardly think straight. Yes, I most definitely am still trying to help and fix. I am afriad I will never in my life be able to fully accept that my beautiful sweet, smart daughter is seriously mentally ill. I could if there were a cure, and she would go after it. But that it would be permanent and she will suffer like this all her life and the two boys too?

I have always had bad reactions to sad realities. When my aunt, 39, died when I was 11, I didn't recover from it for 6 months. I cried constantly and couldnt go to school. We were not close. It was just the fact of death that upset me.

I can't stand it that my daughter is sick like this.

Yes, I will seriously get into self care. I at least have to stay alive and healthy for the boys. They love me, even when they're half heartedly revenging their mother by bothering me. It's sad for them.

Thank you again .

Glenna