Why monitor you online after discarding you?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My ex-uBPDgf said pointblank, "do not contact me again" on March 1st. However, she has been monitoring me on LinkedIn and probably Facebook.  She's sneaky about it, too.  She deactivated her Facebook last August.  However, before she discard she wanted me to take down all of the pics of us on Facebook, which means she must have re-activated it and saw them.  There's not other logical explanation on how she saw them.  This leads me to believe she's probably still monitoring me and might have done it the entire time she had it deactivated.

She also checked me out on LinkedIn several days in a row and then mysteriously set her profile settings so it says "A LinkedIn member" viewed your profile.  I know this because it used to say her name in a particular spot, then the next day it said "A LinkedIn member" between the same two people. Now I'm getting notifications that a "LinkedIn member" viewed my profile once a week or so.  That never happened before the discard.

What's the point? Why monitor me after coldly discarding me? If she wants to contact me, or wants me to contact her, I wish she would just do it instead of playing these games.

[sweet tooth]

My ex-uBPDgf said pointblank, "do not contact me again" on March 1st. However, she has been monitoring me on LinkedIn and probably Facebook.  She's sneaky about it, too.  She deactivated her Facebook last August.  However, before she discard she wanted me to take down all of the pics of us on Facebook, which means she must have re-activated it and saw them.  There's not other logical explanation on how she saw them.  This leads me to believe she's probably still monitoring me and might have done it the entire time she had it deactivated.

She also checked me out on LinkedIn several days in a row and then mysteriously set her profile settings so it says "A LinkedIn member" viewed your profile.  I know this because it used to say her name in a particular spot, then the next day it said "A LinkedIn member" between the same two people. Now I'm getting notifications that a "LinkedIn member" viewed my profile once a week or so.  That never happened before the discard.

What's the point? Why monitor me after coldly discarding me? If she wants to contact me, or wants me to contact her, I wish she would just do it instead of playing these games.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have often wondered the same thing.  My ex looks for me online at least every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day.  I am more than eight months out from the initial discard.  My ex is very self-referential, however, and seems to think that my normal daily activities, like going out with friends, are proof that I'm out looking for him, stalking him.  So I assume that's why he's looking for me.

My ex told me back in August never to contact him again, and has threatened me with a PPO several times despite the fact that I'm not stalking him.  Two lawyers have backed me up on this.  I got so paranoid that he was filing against me that I finally went to the county courthouse to check their records to make sure that he hadn't actually done it.  They said he hadn't, despite the fact that he told mutual friends that he was going to at the beginning of February.  His very exaggerated accusations have made him persona non grata with our friends.

Today he posted online where he knew I could see it, flirting with another girl.     She can have him.  Good luck, Honey.

[sweet tooth]

I have often wondered the same thing.  My ex looks for me online at least every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day.  I am more than eight months out from the initial discard.  My ex is very self-referential, however, and seems to think that my normal daily activities, like going out with friends, are proof that I'm out looking for him, stalking him.  So I assume that's why he's looking for me.

My ex told me back in August never to contact him again, and has threatened me with a PPO several times despite the fact that I'm not stalking him.  Two lawyers have backed me up on this.  I got so paranoid that he was filing against me that I finally went to the county courthouse to check their records to make sure that he hadn't actually done it.  They said he hadn't, despite the fact that he told mutual friends that he was going to at the beginning of February.  His very exaggerated accusations have made him persona non grata with our friends.

Today he posted online where he knew I could see it, flirting with another girl.     She can have him.  Good luck, Honey.

That is very bizarre.  It's almost like he wants you in his life one way or another, positive or negative, but is terrified (and incapable) of reaching out in a healthy way.  That's my interpretation of it.  I'm sorry that you've had to go through that. Mine had a restraining order against her ex-husband (she claims he was physically abusive), which is why I have not contacted her after she told me not to contact her anymore. Honestly, I don't know if she has BPD or is just emotionally unstable.  From what I've noticed, if she has BPD she's at the less severe end of the spectrum. Maybe her ex was abusive, maybe that's just her interpretation of it, or maybe it's somewhere in the middle.  I don't know, but I'm not risking having a PPO on my record. If she reached out to me I would accept it because I still care about her despite all the nonsense, but if that doesn't happen I'm not reaching out to her.  I think that's the healthiest way to look at it.

She responded to a Meet Up invite to see a movie next month.  I indirectly met her through that.  I'm not a member, but my good friend is and he involved me in a few events.  Anyway, it's a movie that both my friend and I are interested in, and surely my friend would have invited me to it. However, we both have a prior commitment (major life event) and will be unable to attend. She rarely goes out to the Meet Up events, which made me wonder about it. Between the online monitoring and the Meet Up incident it makes me feel a little uneasy: What are her motivations? Is it possible she just wants to see the movie? Does she want to cause a scene? Does she want to put out "feelers" in an attempt to recycle? Would she back out if she knew I was going? I don't know.  It's confusing and hurts me.

[WoundedBibi]

What's the point? Why monitor me after coldly discarding me? If she wants to contact me, or wants me to contact her, I wish she would just do it instead of playing these games.

You're looking at this from a logical point of view. There is NO logical point of view; she has BPD.

That she is checking up on you doesn't mean she wants to contact you or vice versa.

Wishing she could "just" do something is basically wishing she didn't have BPD. Natural for you to wish, chance of it happening 0.

[GreenEyedMonster]

I have often wondered the same thing.  My ex looks for me online at least every day, sometimes 2-3 times per day.  I am more than eight months out from the initial discard.  My ex is very self-referential, however, and seems to think that my normal daily activities, like going out with friends, are proof that I'm out looking for him, stalking him.  So I assume that's why he's looking for me.

My ex told me back in August never to contact him again, and has threatened me with a PPO several times despite the fact that I'm not stalking him.  Two lawyers have backed me up on this.  I got so paranoid that he was filing against me that I finally went to the county courthouse to check their records to make sure that he hadn't actually done it.  They said he hadn't, despite the fact that he told mutual friends that he was going to at the beginning of February.  His very exaggerated accusations have made him persona non grata with our friends.

Today he posted online where he knew I could see it, flirting with another girl.     She can have him.  Good luck, Honey.

That is very bizarre.  It's almost like he wants you in his life one way or another, positive or negative, but is terrified (and incapable) of reaching out in a healthy way.  That's my interpretation of it.  

I have long since given up the idea that any of his behavior equates with interest in a recycle.  He came relatively close to recycling me last October, about six weeks out, but even that didn't pan out in the end.  His engulfment fears are very intense and I doubt that he will overcome them any time soon.  

I think that what is going on is that my ex has an inner conflict about getting the "last word."  He loves getting the last word in pretty much any and every situation.  He always tries to be the last person to reject.  When I posted in December that I was dating someone else, he responded by posting a fake RSVP for a date to a party.  I think that at the time he discarded me, it felt like he was getting the last word and the final rejection, but the idea that I ended up happy after him just burns him up.  (Not to mention the fact that he has no girlfriend yet, which I'm sure infuriates him as well.)  

The same thing is true with our group of friends.  When they didn't support his accusations against me, he declared that he was never coming to one of our gatherings again.  The fact that we have happily continued on without him makes him deeply angry, and now he does things to try to get a reaction out of us, like posting online about how his new friends are soo amazing.  He is realizing that in quitting and rejecting us all, he actually gave up any power he had over the situation.  Recently this seems to have even trumped his notion that I'm stalking him, as he's willing to reveal a great many details about his whereabouts and lifestyle in order to get a rise out of one of us.  He wants us to chase him, as some kind of evidence that we realize what a great (ha!) thing we lost when he left.  No one is interested in chasing him after what he did to me.  I will be curious to see if his behavior escalates, or if he is eventually willing to concede that he was wrong about me.

At this point, I'd say his only intention in trying to get us to chase him is to regain the power to reject us all.

[sweet tooth]

He sounds like he has some narcissistic traits.

[sweet tooth]

In addition to the online monitoring I received one "unknown number" call shortly after the discard. I think the call, the online monitoring, and the Meet Up thing are all interconnected. I don't know how to respond appropriately or what to do about it.

[sweet tooth]

What's the point? Why monitor me after coldly discarding me? If she wants to contact me, or wants me to contact her, I wish she would just do it instead of playing these games.

You're looking at this from a logical point of view. There is NO logical point of view; she has BPD.

That she is checking up on you doesn't mean she wants to contact you or vice versa.

Wishing she could "just" do something is basically wishing she didn't have BPD. Natural for you to wish, chance of it happening 0.

Good point, but I'm not a mental health professional.  From a layman's point of view, she's emotionally unstable.  I can't legitimately label her as having a PD. And yes, I try to look at things from a logical point of view.  I guess the logical thing for me to say is, "she's emotionally unstable" and just leave it at that.  That's much easier said than done, though.

[JRT]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

[sweet tooth]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

[GreenEyedMonster]

He sounds like he has some narcissistic traits.

Exactly.  That's my ex to a T.  It's almost more likely that he's NPD than BPD, or a mix of both. 

I am giggling with glee today, though.  Our friends decided to go to a screening of his favorite movie this week at a local theater, and he "can't" go because I am "stalking" him.  He was getting all kinds of narc attention from a big performance he has tonight, and now he gets the big slam that we're going to his favorite movie and no one cares if he's going to be there.  Who needs revenge when you have karma?   

I think it's unfortunately very easy to assume that if someone is watching us, they want us.  With my ex, I know that is not true.  Like I said, with him, it's all about finding out whether or not he won.

[JRT]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

Thanks for your thoughts Sweet Tooth... .I really appreciate it... .I have thought the same things about the situation almost identical to your perspective. Thaks for helping me to reinforced what I had only speculated. (although there was never a PPO put in place, only threat by her and her atty/the cops... .but point taken anyway, its about control).

Its so sad to me... .not only for me but for her. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement for me at this point... .and I have it on good authority that she had been on a couple of dates and nothing really clicked for her. I think that she is actually still in love with me! There is zero question in my mind (and in hers I am sure) that we were made for one another. It was a great match and we got along well and were looking forward to the future with one another. But her engulfment/abandonment fears kicked in and took over.

I know I meant a lot to her (and she to me) and I think its that which makes the discard so thorough... .so final and irrevocable. I agree with you and think that the sane part of them looks back in sadness and remorse, painfully fearful (for this reason or that) to reengage, apologize of face the fear once again. I can';t think of much more that is so frustrating and sad.

[sweet tooth]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

Thanks for your thoughts Sweet Tooth... .I really appreciate it... .I have thought the same things about the situation almost identical to your perspective. Thaks for helping me to reinforced what I had only speculated. (although there was never a PPO put in place, only threat by her and her atty/the cops... .but point taken anyway, its about control).

Its so sad to me... .not only for me but for her. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement for me at this point... .and I have it on good authority that she had been on a couple of dates and nothing really clicked for her. I think that she is actually still in love with me! There is zero question in my mind (and in hers I am sure) that we were made for one another. It was a great match and we got along well and were looking forward to the future with one another. But her engulfment/abandonment fears kicked in and took over.

I know I meant a lot to her (and she to me) and I think its that which makes the discard so thorough... .so final and irrevocable. I agree with you and think that the sane part of them looks back in sadness and remorse, painfully fearful (for this reason or that) to reengage, apologize of face the fear once again. I can';t think of much more that is so frustrating and sad.

You every think about reaching out just to see what would happen? You obviously still care about her on some level... .

[JRT]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

Thanks for your thoughts Sweet Tooth... .I really appreciate it... .I have thought the same things about the situation almost identical to your perspective. Thaks for helping me to reinforced what I had only speculated. (although there was never a PPO put in place, only threat by her and her atty/the cops... .but point taken anyway, its about control).

Its so sad to me... .not only for me but for her. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement for me at this point... .and I have it on good authority that she had been on a couple of dates and nothing really clicked for her. I think that she is actually still in love with me! There is zero question in my mind (and in hers I am sure) that we were made for one another. It was a great match and we got along well and were looking forward to the future with one another. But her engulfment/abandonment fears kicked in and took over.

I know I meant a lot to her (and she to me) and I think its that which makes the discard so thorough... .so final and irrevocable. I agree with you and think that the sane part of them looks back in sadness and remorse, painfully fearful (for this reason or that) to reengage, apologize of face the fear once again. I can';t think of much more that is so frustrating and sad.

You every think about reaching out just to see what would happen? You obviously still care about her on some level... .

I have... .I miss her (although I don't feel that I could reengage our relationship) ... .but:

-when I did attempt to contact her, I got a call from the cops or a letter from an attorney

-she blocked me on social media, unfriended my friends and successfully convinced her family and friends to block me

-she changed her phone number

-although I know where she works (I will not contact her there) but I don't know where she moved to

-we have no friends in common that we both speak with, all of hers were hostile towards me after the fact

In other words, she did a great job of discarding; I have no way of contacting her. And even if I did, I would expect the cops or a layer again or greater likelihood of a PPO.

[sweet tooth]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

Thanks for your thoughts Sweet Tooth... .I really appreciate it... .I have thought the same things about the situation almost identical to your perspective. Thaks for helping me to reinforced what I had only speculated. (although there was never a PPO put in place, only threat by her and her atty/the cops... .but point taken anyway, its about control).

Its so sad to me... .not only for me but for her. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement for me at this point... .and I have it on good authority that she had been on a couple of dates and nothing really clicked for her. I think that she is actually still in love with me! There is zero question in my mind (and in hers I am sure) that we were made for one another. It was a great match and we got along well and were looking forward to the future with one another. But her engulfment/abandonment fears kicked in and took over.

I know I meant a lot to her (and she to me) and I think its that which makes the discard so thorough... .so final and irrevocable. I agree with you and think that the sane part of them looks back in sadness and remorse, painfully fearful (for this reason or that) to reengage, apologize of face the fear once again. I can';t think of much more that is so frustrating and sad.

You every think about reaching out just to see what would happen? You obviously still care about her on some level... .

I have... .I miss her (although I don't feel that I could reengage our relationship) ... .but:

-when I did attempt to contact her, I got a call from the cops or a letter from an attorney

-she blocked me on social media, unfriended my friends and successfully convinced her family and friends to block me

-she changed her phone number

-although I know where she works (I will not contact her there) but I don't know where she moved to

-we have no friends in common that we both speak with, all of hers were hostile towards me after the fact

In other words, she did a great job of discarding; I have no way of contacting her. And even if I did, I would expect the cops or a layer again or greater likelihood of a PPO.

I guess the risks outweigh the potential benefits in your situation. Are you receiving any counseling? Have you tried to meet new people?

[JRT]

I have wondered the same thing... .its been a year and a half since I last spoke with mine. Since then I have caught her stalking me on FB (after she she blocked me and unfriended all of the people she met through me AND successfully compelled all of her friends and relatives to block me), she retained 3 of our common friends for a short while and met with them briefly on the premise of continuing a friendship but in reality it was to communicate whey she had ran from our relationship (I am convinced that although she had not articulated it, that she hoped to use them as intermediaries... .but these friends didn't understand the innuendo).

I have been getting a large number of 'private' visitors on LinkedIn that I never got before all this happened and continue to this day. And they seem to correspond closely with the silent calls that I get at home. I was getting them in greater frequency for a long time but now they have become more sparse. They are calls, of course, where there there is no one speaking on the line... .a call back reveals that it is from a spoofed number. Two female friends (that were not friends of mine when I was with my ex) have also begun to receive regular calls such as these that they never had before. One of them was actually contacted by her and they not only spoke a couple of times, but my ex had sent her a friend request at one point on FB! (she retracted it almost immediately).

At the same time not only did I have to sue her to have my things returned (including my engagement ring), she at first was adamant to her her things returned then backed off even though her stuff is highly sentimental and invaluable/irreplaceable. Not withstanding; the 2 times that I attempted to contact her over the last couple of years was answered by calls from cops and letters from lawyers threatening a PPO against me if I attempted contact again!

I am convinced that the odd calls and visitors are her as are my friends. But I am amazed by the contradictory behaviors of her being petrified by my contact while she continues to keep tabs on me electronically. Does anyone have an opinion on this?

I'm convinced that nobody will monitor another person if they don't care.  Even if it's just a mild curiosity, the person still cares on some level.  Think of yourself.  Would you look up somebody if you didn't care? There are people in my own life that I'm curious about and will occasionally get an impulse to look them up online, and I might do it.  There are others that I think about and then say, "I don't care what they're up to. Why bother?" 

I'm guessing that she wants to have you in her life, positive or negative, but doesn't know how to do it in a healthy way. She's too afraid to approach you directly, so has to monitor you online because it's safe and controlled.  There's no interaction, therefore there's no reason to fear rejection, abandonment, etc.

As far as the PPO goes, it's also about control.  Since there is a PPO in place, she won't feel the anxiety of having to interact with you.  Since there is no interaction, there is no rejection, abandonment, etc.  You'll ALWAYS be there in a controlled environment (assuming you don't completely block her from everything.  It's a way to keep you very close while simultaneously keeping you as far away as possible.  The PPO will guarantee that you're in her life, it's just that you're in her life in a negative way. It's a shame she's incapable of saying, "JRT, I miss you like crazy, but I'm afraid if I interact with you I'll get hurt."  That's probably all it would take to begin fixing the situation.  It's tragic.

And I think I answered my own question with the explanation I gave you... .

Thanks for your thoughts Sweet Tooth... .I really appreciate it... .I have thought the same things about the situation almost identical to your perspective. Thaks for helping me to reinforced what I had only speculated. (although there was never a PPO put in place, only threat by her and her atty/the cops... .but point taken anyway, its about control).

Its so sad to me... .not only for me but for her. I am fairly certain that she does not have a replacement for me at this point... .and I have it on good authority that she had been on a couple of dates and nothing really clicked for her. I think that she is actually still in love with me! There is zero question in my mind (and in hers I am sure) that we were made for one another. It was a great match and we got along well and were looking forward to the future with one another. But her engulfment/abandonment fears kicked in and took over.

I know I meant a lot to her (and she to me) and I think its that which makes the discard so thorough... .so final and irrevocable. I agree with you and think that the sane part of them looks back in sadness and remorse, painfully fearful (for this reason or that) to reengage, apologize of face the fear once again. I can';t think of much more that is so frustrating and sad.

You every think about reaching out just to see what would happen? You obviously still care about her on some level... .

I have... .I miss her (although I don't feel that I could reengage our relationship) ... .but:

-when I did attempt to contact her, I got a call from the cops or a letter from an attorney

-she blocked me on social media, unfriended my friends and successfully convinced her family and friends to block me

-she changed her phone number

-although I know where she works (I will not contact her there) but I don't know where she moved to

-we have no friends in common that we both speak with, all of hers were hostile towards me after the fact

In other words, she did a great job of discarding; I have no way of contacting her. And even if I did, I would expect the cops or a layer again or greater likelihood of a PPO.

I guess the risks outweigh the potential benefits in your situation. Are you receiving any counseling? Have you tried to meet new people?

\

I have not felt the need to see a counselor... .I pretty much out of the woods... .(this forum has felt a bit like home and I come her regularly but post/remark infrequently)... .I have been dating and have had 2 or 3 'girlfriends'., but in the end were not good matches.