Not All Those Who Wander Are Lost

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

And, so continues my journey into myself.

In my last thread, I was discussing how my codependency issues wrecked my r/s.

I think that it goes a bit deeper than though. They have kept me involved with people who are damaging to me. They have caused me to ignore red flags. They have kept me attached to a woman who does not want me, and who I really should not want. They have caused me to mistake love for comfort in the familiar.

I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm stuck in mourning a lost love that didn't really exist; it was just the feeling of comfort because it was familiar.

[Meili]

And, so continues my journey into myself.

In my last thread, I was discussing how my codependency issues wrecked my r/s.

I think that it goes a bit deeper than though. They have kept me involved with people who are damaging to me. They have caused me to ignore red flags. They have kept me attached to a woman who does not want me, and who I really should not want. They have caused me to mistake love for comfort in the familiar.

I think that's where I'm at right now. I'm stuck in mourning a lost love that didn't really exist; it was just the feeling of comfort because it was familiar.

[Meili]

Tonight I'm trying to do as my T recommended and start the process of pulling away from my friend.

It's so weird, when I was in my r/s with my x, Monday nights were "my nights." They were my alone time. It was the time for me to rejuvenate and take care of things around my house that I had put off the prior week because of spending time with my x. I never felt lonely on my Monday nights. I feel lonely tonight though.

I suspect it's because I was in a r/s before. And, after the r/s I hid from my feelings by spending time with the friend. Tonight I have neither of those. Tonight, it's just me and my fears.

I have spent the better part of the day reading this wonderful blog about C-PTSD. As with these boards being the primary source of support for people who have pwBPD in their world, that blog was so awesome to read. The author has been where I am and was able to put into words exactly how I feel and what I experience. As when I found this family, knowing that I'm not actually crazy because someone else experienced the exact same thing as me was relieving.

I think that it is going to be interesting going through this transformation. It's scary. It would be so easy to just fall into old habits and hide from my painful memories of my past. To continue to ignore them as I always have. That's not really living though. I have hurt people by doing that. I don't want to hurt or hurt others anymore. I'm tired of living in shame. I want more.

[eeks]

Hi Meili,

What came to mind when I read your two posts was the idea of a "void".  People who were raised by dysfunctional parents may recognize as adults that ending unhealthy relationships, friendships etc. is best for them, but I think what might happen is that they fear the void or empty space where that person used to be.  Not to say that the current adult breakup doesn't hurt, it does, but I suspect that this void may also contain the real feelings (grief, anger) that were a response to being physically or emotionally abandoned by the FOO, the real tough stuff.  These are ultimately best faced and felt, but that's intense and frightening, and so then defensive thoughts and behaviours happen such as (this is mine) not wanting to let go of the person or people because of a fear that nothing better will come along.  Does that resonate with you?

Also, did you find you were able to allow or stay present with the feelings of fear and loneliness, even a little bit?  And if so, what was that experience like?

eeks

[Meili]

I'm not certain that I believe that someone better won't come along. I have convinced myself that no one better will come along or exists. I know that for the lie that it is, but my emotions completely ignore my logic on this matter. To take it step further, I've managed to convince myself that I don't want anyone better to exist.

What's worse, I have also convinced myself that if she did come along, I'd screw it up, ignore it, run away scared, or in some other manner sabotage it before it even began.

Putting myself out there to be rejected has never been easy for me. That's probably why I always end up with woman who are abusive. Then engage me. They chase me. They show that I won't get rejected. Well, until they reject me of course.

But, yes, there is a terribly painful void that I experience. It's one of those types of painful experiences where you really think that death would be a better option and enduring. But, knowing that it will pass and that there are ways to avoid it help with that. And, by that, I don't mean that I get suicidal.

There is a complete and utter sense of worthlessness also. The whole series of thoughts that go with "I'm alone because no one wants to be with me because I'm not good enough... ." Again, my logical mind knows better, but the inner child disagrees.

It was semi-interesting to me that recently I was willing to face the loneliness and void because that pain was far worse than the pain of losing my x. I spent a week alone, and I would have continued down that path if I thought that it went to reconciliation. What I discovered though is that it was the hope of reconciliation that was providing strength to endure rather than my own desire to not have to deal with the fears anymore. When the hope was removed, I reverted right back to past coping mechanisms.

I could very easily avoid the fears all together and jump into another r/s. That isn't what I want though. So, this has created a strange dynamic for me; a kind of triangle. I want to avoid the fears, but I don't want to do so by being in a r/s. I don't want to be alone because of the fears. I want to reconcile, but I cannot because my most readily available coping mechanism is the thing that destroyed the hope of reconciliation. I find the whole thing pretty twisted.

I've tried to sit with the feelings. I really don't recognize any feelings except extreme panic. I cannot figure out where the panic comes from though. I'm certain that it's FOO issues. I'm certain that it has to do with being locked in a room while my mother did whatever it was that she did. But, that's really as far as I can get with it. I also find it interesting that I believe that the only person who can soothe the pain/fear is my x. I know that to be an untruth because I frequently felt lonely when in the same room with her.

[purekalm]

Hi Meili,

Regarding the extreme panic you mentioned... .I believe that the neglect you mentioned has a big deal to do with the panic. How you describe that you believe your x would be the one to soothe you but that you often felt distant when with her gives me the idea that is the source of your panic. You were never properly soothed, at all it sounds, and you want that from your x. Even though you felt distant, you may have been able to feel slight comfort that at least she was present, or actually gotten soothed by her at times. Now that no one is there, you don't know how to soothe yourself and are unable to get that comfort from another so you start to panic, like you probably did when left alone. Does that sound at all likely? If not, I'm sorry. I don't presume to know you, just thinking out loud here. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Meili]

That's spot on PK.

There were many things about my childhood and FOO abuses that my x did soothe. I felt a calm with her that I've never experienced before or since. Unfortunately, that calm was not consistent and was ultimately ripped from me as punishment. I know that sounds a bit melodramatic, but that's the way that it feels. My T assures me that over time I'll be able to provide myself with things that my x provided. I'll be able to meet my own needs and make myself feel safe.

[purekalm]

Meili,

I agree with your therapist. Slow going but possible. It won't be the same as another person comforting you, because that's impossible to do yourself. Though, it is possible to learn to comfort yourself. I know personally that it doesn't take away the longing I get here and there just to be held and comforted and feel my emotions with someone there, but it does heal the panicked urge to be soothed by another. Sometimes I think that just being realistic is hard, but necessary to grow and leave our negative or backwards thinking we learned form our FOO.

I was always the one comforting everyone in my family so I thought it was finally my turn in my relationship, but no such luck for me. If there ever is a next time for me, I know now to choose wisely. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Meili]

I trust my T a lot. I know that people learn to self-soothe and self-validate, I'm hoping to have a better understanding of these soon.

It's really hard to self-soothe when you are in an almost constant state of stress; when you feel that it's you against the world.

I just realized something as I'm typing this; I've replaced the drama from my r/s with drama over the r/s! More specifically, drama about my wanting the r/s back. Everyone in my real world thinks that I'm nuts for wanting my x back. Even people on these boards give grief for wanting a pwBPD back. It pits me against them; it creates stress and strife. Stress and strife, even though they are painful, are familiar and thus far more comfortable than the unknown. I think that I'm going to have to examine that a bit deeper.

My T tells me that my wanting to reconcile so much is really just my wanting to prove that my mother has been wrong for all of these years and that I am worth something. That if I can win my x back, I'll feel, somehow, vindicated.

I don't know if that is true or not. I guess that the deeper that I go into all of this, the more that I'll understand.

[purekalm]

Meili,

I get what you're saying. I've hesitated quite a bit to even post here for the same reasons. I've been all over thinking about my own relationship and even when it's actually ending, you can't help but wonder what if? What if they would just do what you feel they can do if they just tried? Maybe even what you saw before? Your heart is breaking and your mind is telling you it's not possible and then other people treat you like you're stupid instead of realizing you're in a really bad situation and can't make sense of it all. It complicates the situations further when you add the disordered history of our FOO and how that relates to your feelings and the r/s.

I think that might have something to do with it. The few short times in my life that were not ruled by stress and constant crazy were difficult for me to navigate because I've lived with it so long I didn't know how to live life without it!

It is a possibility. It's one of the reasons I've held onto my husband so long. Somehow I screwed it up and in so doing the breakdown is my fault, even though my brain tells me that's a lie, my heart and conditioning has a hard time accepting that. Almost like accepting the end of the r/s is accepting I wasn't and never will be good enough for anybody. It didn't help with him never being honest and not telling me what it was he really wanted, which wasn't me, unless he needed me, Mess, mess, mess.

At least you're thinking about this and actively helping yourself through this by realizing these things. I think you're going a long way toward healing. =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Meili]

Thank you PK. Actually admitting some of the things that I've had to admit has been hard. But, it's been good for me.

I've been all over thinking about my own relationship and even when it's actually ending, you can't help but wonder what if? What if they would just do what you feel they can do if they just tried? Maybe even what you saw before?

I'm actually learning to let go of the "what if's." If for no other reason they are a distraction. But, the main reason that I'm letting them go is that it creates manipulation. It is my trying to control the situation rather than living it.

It complicates the situations further when you add the disordered history of our FOO and how that relates to your feelings and the r/s.

I think that might have something to do with it. The few short times in my life that were not ruled by stress and constant crazy were difficult for me to navigate because I've lived with it so long I didn't know how to live life without it!

Most people in my world have little to know idea about my history, and they certainly don't know the extent of it!

But, yes, like you, life without the stress and chaos has been hard for me. The few moments of calm that I allow in now aren't that bad. It's prolonged periods of time without the craziness that throw me for a loop. It'll get better though.

Somehow I screwed it up and in so doing the breakdown is my fault, even though my brain tells me that's a lie, my heart and conditioning has a hard time accepting that.

I think that many (if not most!) of us here can relate to that.

Almost like accepting the end of the r/s is accepting I wasn't and never will be good enough for anybody.

I went through that. Wondering why I wasn't good enough for someone who treated me so poorly at times. I've come to realize that I wasn't good enough because I didn't believe that I was good enough. I had been conditioned my entire life to believe that was the truth of the matter. But, when I took a step back and looked at my entire life, all the lives that I've touched, all of the things that I've done, all of the people who have come into my world and stayed here; I can see a completely different picture.

[purekalm]

You're welcome Meili. 

I agree. I tell myself and sometimes others that the truth hurts, but I'd rather know the truth than live the same way and never grow or become a better person.

Ah control, I tried the same. If only I could fix it, but some things are not meant to be fixed by me and instead lived through.

It does get better. I have found the more calm I am within the less the crazy or lack of affects me. I rely on God for that, he's always been my rock through the storms and held me together when I threatened to unravel.

That's so awesome you can look back and see that Meili! It lets you know, without any validation from another, that you have value and worth and this difficult process you're going through now is worth it, because you know now that you have worth, you're valuable. =) I can't help but be glad for you! I love it when others are succeeding in life, especially healing.

As one of my sisters would say "Keep on truckin!" =)

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Meili]

Finding my voice and letting go of trying to control situations has been an incredibly enlightening experience. I have been able to see just how much I caved into the demands, or what I perceived were demands sometimes, of others in an effort to control the situation and thus protect myself. It has been quite unsettling actually.

But, learning to say "no" and express my discontent with something has certainly done wonders for my self-esteem.

[Meili]

It's somewhat amazing how establishing and enforcing boundaries, having some self-respect, and stopping people from doing bad things to you can cause them to leave your life rather quickly.

This has been a real eye-opener for me. It has answered questions about people who have been in my life for years that I've often wondered. Also, it explains why I spent so much time in my past feeling used.

At the end of the day, these people leaving my life has been a boon. Sure, there is now a large vacancy, but it has also taught me to trust myself a bit more. I have also learned the effects of martyring myself for the happiness of others.

[purekalm]

That's great Meili!     I realized the same thing and that, like you, I'm the only one who changes that.    

Sincerely,

Purekalm

[Meili]

It's been a long time since I have posted in this thread.

For the past several months, I have been working on myself and saving my relationship with my x. It has been a fascinating journey and learning experience. Now that it seems that the journey with my x is finally completely over and our paths have gone in different directions, I can reflect on all of it.

The unofficial diagnosis from my therapist that I'm on the Autism spectrum (Asperger's) was a huge revelation for me. It helped me understand why I have struggled so hard to change my habits and to let go of the relationship even after I knew that it needed to end.

Even after I decided that it was time for it to end and that I was not going to accept what she was offering anymore, I watched as I continued avoid the changes. Even this morning, I don't want to face the changes. I'm happy that I made the choice to give up hope that I could salvage the relationship, but the thoughts of the changes that are happening make me want to go running back to the bad situation. I'd rather have the toxicity than the NC just so that I don't have to deal with the change.

I decided that it was a far better plan to post here and admit the truth of what is going on than to contact her just to maintain the status quo. That's all that it would be. I don't want a relationship with her. I'm not even interested in being her friend. In fact, I'd be completely happy if she just evaporated. It's the change that I'm stuck on.

Over the past week, it feels like my life has improved exponentially. Since I have removed her from my future plans, everything seems to be progressing and falling into place. But, I know that there's a chance that I'd throw myself right back into all of it just to avoid the change. I'm glad that I now know this for what it is.

[patientandclear]

Are you still in this place, Meili? It won't surprise you that I completely identify. This is a hard part of the journey. I am still white knuckling it.

[Meili]

I have been dancing in and out of wanting to break NC just to avoid the changes since I made that post. It's getting better as I develop my new life. But, I had something else happen to me (my BPDexw contacted me) that has also helped to reduce the craving for the drama, so take that with a truckload of salt.

Before my exw contacted me, every time it would enter my mind that I wanted to contact my x, I would consciously focus on something else. Most of the time, it was thinking of the number 1 on breathing in and 2 on exhaling. I'd do this until my thoughts were focused.

They still pop into my head, but in the greater scheme of given the short time period since everything ended, it happens less now.

[Meili]

Ahhh... .so, it's been over four months since I last posted here. I've been silent on this thread because, well, there has not been a lot of new stuff to talk about here. I've basically just been altering my behavior so that I do not respond/react out of emotion. Changing the behaviors has changed the emotions as a result.

When I last posted here, I was talking about avoiding change because the toxicity of my life was familiar and all that I have ever known, but the desire to change that.

Over the past few weeks, my life has been thrown back into a world of chaos. I am so accustomed to it that I didn't even notice at first. It wasn't until I found myself wanting to reach out to my x and checking social media for images of her that I realized just how far I have allowed things to slip.

I started to look at what going on in my world. I've been allowing others to dictate what I do with my time and where I go. I was maintaining chaotic and toxic relationships and putting forth all of the effort to try to improve them. Essentially, I have been doing all of the things that I have always done in my romantic relationships in other, important relationships in my life. As a result, I've done one of the hardest things that I've ever had to do... .I walked away from my MC (motorcycle club).

Because the MC life is a subculture of society, I'm going to assume that most people don't understand the ramifications of walking away. It's like trying to leave a cult. The remaining members of the cult (in this case the MC) are really not happy when you leave. Sometimes it creates a dangerous situation. I'm hoping that isn't the case here.

It was so hard to walk away because I, essentially, walked away from all of my friends and family (my chosen family, not my FOO) and find myself almost alone in the world now (I have a two close friends and whatever relationship it is that I have with my ex-wife left). I think that many of us can relate to these feelings of being alone and isolated when they left their BPD relationship.

I'm not writing this about those emotions however. They are what they are. I am writing about being able to better recognize the red flags and warning signs about what is happening in my world, and the conscious decisions that I am making to facilitate change.

I've been watching and reliving so many childhood experiences as my mother, father, and siblings dictate how my 93 year old, extremely ill grandmother spends her remaining time on the planet. She nearly died a few weeks ago and my FOO took the opportunity to "pounce" and dictate life changes for her. They have entered her house without her permission, started to go through her things in an effort to determine how much money she truly has, are making plans to dispose of her belongings without her consent, and are putting extreme pressure on her to do what they want to do. As I witness all of this, I am reminded of all of the abuse and neglect I have endured because of them.

It was weird. I was talking to my xw not too long ago about what my family is doing to my grandmother and my feelings behind all of it. My C-PTSD and the reasons behind it came up. This was the first time that she had heard any of it. She was shocked (to say the least) and disgusted by my FOO. She couldn't believe that she once called them family and sat down at the same table with them to eat. The validation from the women who split me black a decade ago and truly believed that I was a monster until a few months ago nearly brought me to tears. As I write this now, those feelings are surfacing.

The MC also brought back old memories. When new members to the MC were recently patched in and started acting like the women that have been in my life a lot was triggered. I watched as the red flags flew all over the place. It started to affect the personalities of the patch holders. I tried to bring things back under control, when I realized that it was a futile endeavor, I walked away from the whole thing before things ended in violence.

It was nice being able to see and recognize the red flags for what they were.

As I write this, I am fascinated by both how far I've come and how little some things have changed. This post is a bit of a ramble because it's basically and emotional brain dump that resembles things that I used to write when I first landed here.

[purekalm]

Hey again Meili, 

As I write this, I am fascinated by both how far I've come and how little some things have changed. This post is a bit of a ramble because it's basically and emotional brain dump that resembles things that I used to write when I first landed here.

It's ok, I think all of us ramble at some point. I find it helps sometimes to get it written/typed down whether you send it out or not so you can get it out of your head.

I have an inkling about how it felt to leave your MC since being in a toxic family like mine. It's not easy at all, especially after the life you've lived. You've really done a lot of hard work to get to this place. 

Look at it this way, you have two more friends than me.    The last friend I had was in middle school. I personally believe it's better to have a few good ones than a bunch of flaky ones.   (No, I didn't end the friendship. We drifted apart because there was a grease fire in his home and they had to transfer to another district and we lost touch.)

Anyone who has followed your story can see how far you've come. I know I'm not the only one who has been helped by you sharing your story, so thank you.

Purekalm

[Meili]

Hi again PK! 

Thank you for the kind words. Sometimes I forget that healing and growth are not linear; but, rather, a spiral that gets larger over time. Because the arc of the spiral is expanding, tend to not stay in the bad parts as long.

I have found myself struggling with the "not good enough" feelings all week. As a result, I've been hiding from the world and ignoring my friends. I feel bad about that. They stood up for and by me with the MC and exposed themselves to the same dangers. I should reach out to them, and will when I recover.

During this time, I'm digging deeper into what is behind those feelings. It's very easy to say that they result from my FOO. In fact, that's a wholly true statement. But, what exactly was it that my FOO did to instill this belief within me, and why do I continue to hold it even in light of empirical evidence to the contrary?

The thing is, I do not conform to their ideals and have not accepted the uniforms and roles that others have handed to me. Simple things like buying a white Indian motorcycle when almost everyone in my world rides a black Harley (I do own a black Harley also btw, I just choose not to ride it anymore). Facing the scorn and ridicule because I wear my helmet and safety gear while they just wear their vests for "the look" rather than protection. This makes me "uncool" or whatever. Funny thing there is that I can actually ride better than any of them and put more miles on my bike in a month than some put in a year. This makes me the outcast. "Not good enough" because I don't conform to their ideals. What a strange concept.

Behind all of that, the reason that the "not good enough" affects me so much is likely from the neglect I suffered at the hands of my original caregivers. Middle-aged and still trying to fit in in hopes of finding the love that was withheld from me as a child.

When that love is shown to me, I push it away and reject it. Like, the woman that I have been seeing loves me for who I am. She completely accepts everything about me. She is fascinated by the paradox that is me: a biker, a philosopher, a scientist, a theologian, a legal scholar, a criminal, an adventure seeker, a politician, a scared little boy trapped in a man's body. Yet, I push her away and reject her love.

All this begs the question: For whom am I not good enough?

[Grey Kitty]

The MC as a sub-culture/club/almost-cult makes breaking out of it a special challenge, and not quite like one I've been through.

That said, it sounds like you are finding something not too uncommon--you were in a romantic r/s where you were treated really badly. You got out and realized you didn't deserve that treatment.

Now you are examining other friendships/relationships in your life and finding that the poor treatment happens in other places as well. And now you have to deal with that too.

  You will get past this one too. And you will figure out which friendships are healthy. Or at least healthier than others in your life. And you will find better ones, or improve the ones you have.

[Meili]

It's kinda funny that you used the word "deserve" GK. As I left therapy today, my therapist told me that I deserve better.

I struggle with that word. I was brought up to believe that I deserve nothing. And, by nothing, I mean nothing. I don't deserve to be alive. I don't deserve love. I don't deserve kindness. I don't deserve affection.

I just looked at my therapist and said, "Meh... ." (literally said that   )

She smiled and said, "You pay me for my professional opinion, and pay well. You're a great guy, and you do deserve better. That's my professional opinion."

The concept of my deserving anything is very difficult for me. Not only is there no emotional connection to the word, there is no cognitive nor logical reason that I can see that I deserve anything.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, the word "deserve" is a sticky one in a bunch of ways. I had some real issues with my stbex where she felt she "deserved" something and it got kinda ugly where things went from there.

Not that somebody raised the way you were is at any risk of getting onto the entitled side like that.

Anyhow, words are funny. Is it easier to say that you are worth more than that? That you are worth being treated well?

[Meili]

Yeah, words are tricky.

Worth is acceptable to me because it's subjective, rather than objective, in nature. The value that one assigns is not necessarily the value that another assigns. Subjective has an emotional component. It's impossible to debate emotions.

[Meili]

I've spent a great deal of time lately trying to figure out what it is, exactly, that I found so attractive about my ex that brought me here.

For nearly a year now, my therapist and I have discussed the similarities between my abusive mother and my chosen mates. I can see that. I can understand that the familiarity was comfortable for me.

I can also state with some level of confidence that the mirroring and the physical looks played a part.

At some level or another, each of my chosen partners fall within the same category or type. So, what was it that made this one so different? Why was she the only one that I was ever truly interested in spending my life with? Why is it she that I continue to think about daily?

She was not the only disordered person that has been my significant other, so that wasn't it. Others have treated me about the same as she did. The interests that we shared that were similar are present in others with whom I've been involved, so those aren't the key either. What she provided for me has also been given to me by others. All things being relative, she was pretty much the same as the others in my past.

So, what was it? This has been bothering me for a while now. What is it that I miss so much that I have only found in her? What is it that I crave when I wake in the morning that is now missing from my world?

I've been looking at my life and the things that she did and provided for me and have figured out how to replicate them without her. But, something is still missing.

It is her energy. It was her bubbling, optimistic, enthusiasm that I found so alluring and attractive. That's the thing that I have not been able to replicate on my own.

I've been in a state of existential crisis and depression since my early teens. Nothing seems to matter because after all is said and done, the moment after death, all that has happened in my life will be pointless to me because there will be no more me. So, why bother?

For over 30 years now, I've basically just gone through life waiting until death. There was a brief, 2 year period when I was with her that death wasn't a focus. Things had importance and meaning.

The irony of it is that I still didn't think that I had importance or meaning, I would still cease to exist someday and it would all go away from that perspective. But, during those two years, the ultimate end didn't matter.

It was a constant flow of energy and optimism during that period of my life. Things that I never would have put effort into because they ultimately wouldn't matter were suddenly worth the effort. Because my life would be over at some point became less relevant and the partnership with her became important.

It's strange to look at it all now and see both the good and the dysfunction. It's hard for me to grasp the idea that something that was so bad for me also gave me the greatest gifts that I've ever received. I've never really processed the anger that I have toward her because of this. How can I be so angry with someone who gave and showed me so much?

I'm curious to see how all of these thoughts play out in my future. How can someone who is, essentially, incapable of feeling optimistic about the future because of my preoccupation with the fact that the my future is finite and nothing actually matters attract and maintain a relationship with someone on the opposite end of that spectrum?

It's interesting to note that she too believed that there was nothing after the moment of death. That didn't seem to matter to her in the same way that it does me though. Even with all of her self-loathing, even the simplest things brought her joy. I envy that in her.

[Grey Kitty]

There are often toxic patterns we are replicating with an ex like that, and there is work to get around them. Especially things like how they have similar bad behavior to a parent... .but that isn't what you are talking about here:

I've spent a great deal of time lately trying to figure out what it is, exactly, that I found so attractive about my ex that brought me here.
... .
It is her energy. It was her bubbling, optimistic, enthusiasm that I found so alluring and attractive. That's the thing that I have not been able to replicate on my own.

I don't think my outlook on life is quite as dark as yours, but I do have friends (including stbexwife) who are perky, joyful, energetic, even bubbly, and of those things, I'm sometimes joyful or energetic, but have never been described as perky or bubbly.

And I do value friends who have that kind of energy. I thrive around it. I've got the capacity to make some of these joyful, energetic ideas happen with the person who has the idea, and that is often great fun and a great result.

Anyhow, I'm wondering what this revelation means to you. I could view it in one of two directions:

1. You have a huge void, lacking energy, and desperately need a partner to fill that. (Sounds unhealthy)

2. You truly enjoy and appreciate being around people like that, and should look for friends and/or a lover who is energetic like that. (Sounds healthy)

[Meili]

Oh, yeah, I've definitely replaced one toxic relationship with another over the years. But, you're right, that's not the part that I was talking about.

The latter option is definitely what I'm looking at.

I don't really see a void in my life. There isn't anything that I think needs to be filled.


"But, if there's nothing to be filled, then why the craving?" becomes the salient question. I think that's because I don't want a person so much as the energy and optimism. Those aren't things that someone can necessarily give me. Those must come from within. To be certain, I can feel off another's energy, but I should still be able to create my own.

My therapist is of the opinion that the first step there is to find something to believe in and work toward. Relish in the small achievements along the way and all that.

[hope2727]

Hi Meili,

I wanted to say how much your words moved me. I agree that "all who wander are not lost". You sound so much like someone very dear to my heart. As I read your words tears came to my eyes. It was like listening to his voice right in the room with me. Thank you for that. It was a bitter sweet memory to be sure.   Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feeling with such eloquence and candour. You will find your way, and on the coolest motorcycle around no less. Indians rock. I hope you will continue to post as your words spoke to me and helped me understand many of my own emotions. Keep wearing that safety gear and perhaps I will see you out there somewhere on that white Indian. 

[Meili]

Thank you for the kind words and reassurance hope2727, they mean a great deal to me.

In four days, I'll be leaving for a 3000ish mile motorcycle ride that will last for about six days total. Along the way, I'll be camping in several US national and state forests. The wind therapy should do me some good.

An interesting by-product of preparing for the trip has happened: rumination.

For the past week, as I plan the route and what I'll need to take, I have been reminded of all of the fun that my x and I had doing things like this (albeit on a much smaller level). It made me miss her greatly. All of the wonderful thoughts of how we did things have been swirling around my mind mixed with sadness. The turbulence that is created resembles a Van Gogh painting... .

While all of that has been going on, I've been feeling sorry for myself for losing the good parts of her. Let's face it, they do have their good as well as the bad, that's part of why we get so attached. But, the thing is, I now realize that I'm angry that she took all of that away from me by choosing to engage in so much of the bad. I'm now comfortable with the fact that I am allowed to be angry about how she treated me.

As with so many things that have to do with my x, I've taken the what has happened and made it into a benefit to myself (after all, if we all and accept it, our pwBPD give us a very precious gift!). Sure, I'm sad that I miss the good things that she brought into my world, but I now realize that I've learned a great deal from her and I can do the things that she used to do myself. Things like planning menus and meals for trips. I don't need her to do that for me. I can take what she taught me and improve on it even!

Another great thing that has come from all of the memories over the past week is that I've discovered just how much I love myself and how deserving (yep GK, I used that word!) and worthy I am. I love myself enough to step away from those people in my world that are toxic and abusive. I love myself enough to do the hard work in therapy (with a therapist, not on the bike) to grow and do things differently in the future so that I have a better life.

It fascinated me when I had this realization yesterday. My old habit of telling myself that I was wrong and finding ways to "prove" to myself that I am not deserving, worthy, or lovable didn't happen. I came up with nothing that told me that I was wrong. I can't even find any real way to dispute my new position on myself (not that I really want to of course, so don't help with that!).

Not too long ago, I would have been upset that I couldn't share all of this with my x. Now, I'm glad that I don't feel a need to do so.

[patientandclear]

Meili, interesting reflections. Thank you for posting them. I think the tough part is that, even if we don't NEED the other person, the truth is, it's more fun to plan meals and adventures and live little odd moments together with someone else. Our hearts know this and it's not fully satisfactory to do it just for ourselves. Which just makes the choice to forego those connections because of their other limitations and corruptions/damaging aspects that much harder--because we really are losing something, aspects of which are very worth having. The grieving because it IS worthwhile in significant part, is very hard work.