Hi Chosen,
uBPDh was in an insecure/ irritable/ triggering mood last night. Right before bed (as always), he suddenly brought up, for the millionth time in our relationship, how I don't love him, don't respect him. Then when I didn't respond he was like "you can always leave me, you know".
On a good day I'd validate and ask what makes him think so, but last night I just couldn't. I felt angry and couldn't be bothered. I also knew what he was going to say, that me asking would lead to him to list out all the things I do that he doesn't like... . and I just needed a break from that. So basically, I threw his comments back at him (calmly, though), and just said "it's you who seem to want to leave. I don't want to." Then he kept on asking "are you upset? you don't sound happy." I just said "I'm not upset. I want to sleep." Then I ignored him.
I know that ignoring = invalidating to the pwBPD, but how could I better handle that? I just wasn't able to validate at that moment, and if I had to continue the conversation (I was tired and just feeling blah) I knew I'd snap. What would you have done? Would you have pushed yourself to validate anyway, or would you do anything else? Thanks!
just want to add to the sage advice of the Grey cat. With validation and boundaries it is important to aim for perfection. It is a skill. While at the military we were trained to take apart our rife in the dark so we could do it in our sleep. I doubt use case that represented normal operation. The point you want to do it really well is that you can do it somehow when under pressure. Survival is the name of the game.
So how do you measure up to that? I would say you survived - you got some sleep and avoided WWIII. Could you have done better on the validation front? Let's measure your response looking at the different types of validation:
Stay Awake
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To help with visualizing how to properly use validation, Marsha Linehan, PhD (the developer of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy) has broken validation down into its key components.
Stay Awake
At its most basic, all you really have to do is listen and nod.
Staying awake requires you to pay attention and ask objective, probing questions - basically that you demonstrate that you're paying attention to the person who is talking. Lean forward, nod your head, ask questions, and show you are paying attention.
Warning: It's critical not to be judgmental about what the person is saying to you. Judgements are forms of criticism, that you view something as "wrong" or "bad". A pwBPD can often see the changes in our faces when we have judgmental thoughts. To avoid judgements you need to pay complete attention to what they are saying. It's called being mindful. Pay attention to facts to help prevent you from forming an opinion or evaluating (judging).
Accurate Reflection
Accurate reflection requires you to communicate that you've heard the person accurately. This can be done by repeating what the person said, though it can be better to paraphrase so you don't sound like a parrot. This communicates to the person that what he is experiencing is universal enough for you "to get it", a critical part since most pwBPD feel so misunderstood by others. It shows that you are listening to what they are saying.
Stating the Unarticulated
This is a form of mind reading. It requires you to create a hypothesis about what you believe the person is "not" telling you. The emotions driving a persons words or actions. The hidden message.
You do this by asking a question, essentially guessing if "blank" is accurate.
Example: This works especially when the person is dysregulated and not expressing themselves clearly. You have to be willing to be wrong though, which shows that you haven't quite got it yet, so then ask more questions to reach understanding.
Validating in Terms of Personal History or Biology
We are what's happened in our lives. On some level, based on our history, our actions make sense. If you ever lived through a tornado, you would have a higher response to the warning sirens than others, based on your history. Letting a person know that their behavior makes sense based on their past experiences shows understanding.
Our physical problems also impact (thus explain) how we behave. A person who has a bad back has difficulty sitting for long periods of time. Making reference to their limitations shows understanding and empathy.
Normalizing
One of the most important levels is to communicate that others (those without BPD) would have the same response. People with BPD have the ongoing experience of being different - outsiders in their own worlds. When you normalize what they are feeling you find a way to communicate that what is going on for the pwBPD is the experience of being human, that anyone in the same situation would feel the same way. This is powerful. Some key phrases that can be used are:
"We all have moments when we feel that way"
"Of course you think that: anyone would in your situation"
"I would feel that way too"
"You know that is such a normal reaction"
"It makes sense that you did that. We all have those moments"
Of course, there are some things you can't normalize, such as suicidal behavior. Don't normalize behavior that is not normal - that's validating the invalid.
Radical Genuineness
The key to all validation is to be genuine. To be radically genuine is to ensure that you don't "fragilize", condescend, or talk down to the person you are trying to validate. You don't want to treat them any differently than you would anyone else in a similar situation. They aren't fragile, and to treat them as such can be seen as condescending.
Stay Awake - B - enough to give a targeted response and handle the push back
Accurate Reflection - A - exactly hitting his fear of abandonment at the core of him bringing it up
Stating the Unarticulated - A - you staying and him neither trusting you nor himself
Validating in Terms of Personal History or Biology - A - pointing back to his history of doing so
Normalizing - n/a
Radical Genuineness - A+ - You got an issue. I'm too tired to handle it.
Considering that the B grade is due to biological limitations you suffered from - being sleepy - I would say you were doing excellent. Following up the validation with a boundary - limiting the effort you put into filling his inner hole - was wise - you had little energy to spare. In the end he needs to overcome his own fears and you can only point the way. Babying him will just hold him back in the toddler stage.
And the latter is little worrying. How comfortable are you with boundaries? They are often necessary, related to respect and healthy if handled intelligently with compassion. Boundaries also do help him forcing him to become independent. You were not ignoring him - you listened in an appropriate manner and treated him as an adult. But then you felt uncomfortable... .