When did your first argument occur ? With ex BPD

[Depression = 72% of members]

When I was with my now ex BPDgf I dont recall having an argument or even bickering with her till at least 4 months in to the relationship. She is now with my replacement and has been with him 4 weeks and getting informed they are arguing already ! Surly this can't be a good sign plus they are constantly together almost 24-7 ! Can anyone give views on weather spending 24-7 with someone that has BPD is good or very bad at the start of a relationship and when did your first argument start into your relationship ?

[Splitblack4good]

When I was with my now ex BPDgf I dont recall having an argument or even bickering with her till at least 4 months in to the relationship. She is now with my replacement and has been with him 4 weeks and getting informed they are arguing already ! Surly this can't be a good sign plus they are constantly together almost 24-7 ! Can anyone give views on weather spending 24-7 with someone that has BPD is good or very bad at the start of a relationship and when did your first argument start into your relationship ?

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

First argument was on the second phone call before we even met.  Shame on me for not running many miles.  As for your ex's present situation and arguing with new supply so soon - it would make sense if they are together 24/7. Remember they idealise the new supply and negate their own sense of self to mirror the new supply.  New supply cannot be perfect all the time. And your ex is building a pressure zone within herself through self negation.  New supply trips up.  Switch gets flipped.  Ex rages to release pent up pressure.

Now isn't it a relief to be out of that craziness?

[Mutt]

First argument was after idealization phase ended. Around 4 months. I recall the day the idealization stopped, shortly after she moved in.

[Splitblack4good]

First argument was on the second phone call before we even met.  Shame on me for not running many miles.  As for your ex's present situation and arguing with new supply so soon - it would make sense if they are together 24/7. Remember they idealise the new supply and negate their own sense of self to mirror the new supply.  New supply cannot be perfect all the time. And your ex is building a pressure zone within herself through self negation.  New supply trips up.  Switch gets flipped.  Ex rages to release pent up pressure.

Now isn't it a relief to be out of that craziness?

Also he has pretty much moved in with her already ! Spends 24/7 with her he doesn't drive so is relying on her to get around . The biggest thing is she has moved him away from his closet freinds for her own selfish needs his best freind is female and was also my exes best freind ! Not anymore tho and she is on the war path with my ex ! She is causing to much conflict between them . My replacement can't run for the hills he is isolated big time ! Lol . I can't wait wait for her to start push/pull with him he'll have to stay ther and battle out ! I have transport so wen she done it to me I could leave when she raged !

So to recap they are together 24/7 they are arguing already . he moved in instantly his best freind is a women that can't stand my ex and wants to kill her ! All this after 4 weeks .

Can anyone see this relationship working ? Will the whole BPD cycle start even quicker ? I've been told he's very strong minded person that will put her in her place how ever is that a bad thing when you have strong minded vs a women with BPD will she respect him more ? Or just cause bigger conflict ? Love to hear your opinions people .

[Infern0]

For me it was a few days after devaluation had begun.

Her behaviour had shifted so dramatically and unexplainedly and I questioned her on it and she gave nonsense answers and denials that anything had changed,  I got a bit animated because of the shock in change of treatment and we had a falling out.

The beginning of the end

[Splitblack4good]

First argument was on the second phone call before we even met.  Shame on me for not running many miles.  As for your ex's present situation and arguing with new supply so soon - it would make sense if they are together 24/7. Remember they idealise the new supply and negate their own sense of self to mirror the new supply.  New supply cannot be perfect all the time. And your ex is building a pressure zone within herself through self negation.  New supply trips up.  Switch gets flipped.  Ex rages to release pent up pressure.

Now isn't it a relief to be out of that craziness?

Yer defiantly ! Poor bloke he's gona be ruined a lot quicker than me ! From what I hear he is a strong character alpha male I'm wondering if that type of personality is an even match for a BPD female ? She broke all my boundaries and tested me to the extreme I'm wondering if she will do the same with him or will the disorder win in the end ?

[Infern0]

First argument was on the second phone call before we even met.  Shame on me for not running many miles.  As for your ex's present situation and arguing with new supply so soon - it would make sense if they are together 24/7. Remember they idealise the new supply and negate their own sense of self to mirror the new supply.  New supply cannot be perfect all the time. And your ex is building a pressure zone within herself through self negation.  New supply trips up.  Switch gets flipped.  Ex rages to release pent up pressure.

Now isn't it a relief to be out of that craziness?

Yer defiantly ! Poor bloke he's gona be ruined a lot quicker than me ! From what I hear he is a strong character alpha male I'm wondering if that type of personality is an even match for a BPD female ? She broke all my boundaries and tested me to the extreme I'm wondering if she will do the same with him or will the disorder win in the end ?

What will happen is that when the disorder kicks in he will take off.

If he's truly a "strong alpha" type he simply won't put up with it and will leave

[Splitblack4good]

First argument was on the second phone call before we even met.  Shame on me for not running many miles.  As for your ex's present situation and arguing with new supply so soon - it would make sense if they are together 24/7. Remember they idealise the new supply and negate their own sense of self to mirror the new supply.  New supply cannot be perfect all the time. And your ex is building a pressure zone within herself through self negation.  New supply trips up.  Switch gets flipped.  Ex rages to release pent up pressure.

Now isn't it a relief to be out of that craziness?

Yer defiantly ! Poor bloke he's gona be ruined a lot quicker than me ! From what I hear he is a strong character alpha male I'm wondering if that type of personality is an even match for a BPD female ? She broke all my boundaries and tested me to the extreme I'm wondering if she will do the same with him or will the disorder win in the end ?

What will happen is that when the disorder kicks in he will take off.

If he's truly a "strong alpha" type he simply won't put up with it and will leave

I know he's not a co- dependent type guy he's a survivor he's been to prison 3 times etc but have heard although strong character he is a nice guy and fairly laid back  but straight to the point he doesn't tolarate crap from anyone . I wonder how long he will last or even entertain it from her ?

[Spartacus]

Our first argument, I call it that even though that makes it sound two way, was after 8 months. I was five minutes late in collecting her from the station. She was furious. I apologized but she wouldn't let it drop. More interestingly, once I had been sufficiently confused and upset and apologized more profusely she cheered up rapidly and made a big deal about how this was our first proper argument and how important it was to see how we both dealt with it. Like it was a test I just passed. I see the massive red flag now but at the time I just felt it was my fault for triggering her when I was doing her the favor by coming to collect her! Things got a whole lot more confusing from that point on.

[Splitblack4good]

Our first argument, I call it that even though that makes it sound two way, was after 8 months. I was five minutes late in collecting her from the station. She was furious. I apologized but she wouldn't let it drop. More interestingly, once I had been sufficiently confused and upset and apologized more profusely she cheered up rapidly and made a big deal about how this was our first proper argument and how important it was to see how we both dealt with it. Like it was a test I just passed. I see the massive red flag now but at the time I just felt it was my fault for triggering her when I was doing her the favor by coming to collect her! Things got a whole lot more confusing from that point on.

Man this is text book ! Are you sure we didn't date the same women ? Lol

[downwhim]

Our first argument was because I had mentioned my ex  husband. He went into a rage, pulled off the freeway, dumped me in a parking lot and said get out! We had dated 9 months by then. Up until then he was on his best behavior. Flowers, dates, fun times then bam... Should have ran then. The rage he had inside had built up and he was uncontrollable. I was in shock.

[Splitblack4good]

Our first argument was because I had mentioned my ex  husband. He went into a rage, pulled off the freeway, dumped me in a parking lot and said get out! We had dated 9 months by then. Up until then he was on his best behavior. Flowers, dates, fun times then bam... Should have ran then. The rage he had inside had built up and he was uncontrollable. I was in shock.

That did take him along time to rage for the first time ! Clever in some respects after that long anyone would think he was normal and gained enough time for you to think it was a one off ! My ex had little tantrums to start off with then crying tantrums then full on rage ! But the full blown rages didn't happen that often she was grinding me down slowly !

[peiper]

It was around three months. And it happened out of thin air. It was the first time I saw those blank eyes. I should have run then . Instead I moved her in and married her.

[Deeno02]

About the 5-6 month I had the very first "your a bad boyfriend, treat me special or lose me" speech. I said nothing but apologized profusely. Im so fu*king stupid... .

[Mutt]

Don't be hard on yourself Deeno02. I apologized for many things. A reason was to be peace maker around the house. I knew better and didn't want to make things worse because of the kids.

[Deeno02]

Don't be hard on yourself Deeno02. I apologized for many things. A reason was to be peace maker around the house. I knew better and didn't want to make things worse because of the kids.

Stupid for not running then... .stuck it out till she dumped me. Sheesh. I knew better than that.

[downwhim]

I think my ex just hid a lot of the anger, let it boil and when it came out - look out! He very seldom apologized and would go back to   then the cycle continued. I got use to it but toward the end before the breakup I told him I would leave if he started to rage and I did. Every time he started, I left and the rages were more frequent because he had found my replacement.

He told me I was a Drama Queen. I guess because I set up boundaries. FINALLY.

One night he raged at me in front of his kids. I fought back and argued with him (bad choice). I left and thanked God I still had a home to go to and had not moved in. The next morning (it was Father's Day) he called and said "are you going to come back over and cook this crap?" I had made sticky buns and an egg dish and bought gifts for him. I refused. Another boundary set.

No wonder he broke up with me. Looking back I started to protect myself. I told him too I would not come over when his kids were there to be a target for his rage in front of them. He said he would never do that again. I did not believe him.

Yes, a revelation for me. I was setting boundaries and he couldn't handle that. He wanted control and this forced him to look at the outcome of his rage.

[Splitblack4good]

Don't be hard on yourself Deeno02. I apologized for many things. A reason was to be peace maker around the house. I knew better and didn't want to make things worse because of the kids.

Me to that's all I did was said sorry most of the time looking back sorry for what tho ?

Sorry for all the chaos and anger you directed at me ?

[Deeno02]

I think my ex just hid a lot of the anger, let it boil and when it came out - look out! He very seldom apologized and would go back to   then the cycle continued. I got use to it but toward the end before the breakup I told him I would leave if he started to rage and I did. Every time he started, I left and the rages were more frequent because he had found my replacement.

He told me I was a Drama Queen. I guess because I set up boundaries. FINALLY.

One night he raged at me in front of his kids. I fought back and argued with him (bad choice). I left and thanked God I still had a home to go to and had not moved in. The next morning (it was Father's Day) he called and said "are you going to come back over and cook this crap?" I had made sticky buns and an egg dish and bought gifts for him. I refused. Another boundary set.

No wonder he broke up with me. Looking back I started to protect myself. I told him too I would not come over when his kids were there to be a target for his rage in front of them. He said he would never do that again. I did not believe him.

Yes, a revelation for me. I was setting boundaries and he couldn't handle that. He wanted control and this forced him to look at the outcome of his rage.

I hear ya. I was a target in front of both her kids and mine. And it wasnt yelling either. Just calmly spoken snark and demeaning stuff that left you feeling so small and insignificant... .and hurt and embarassed.

[Splitblack4good]

I think my ex just hid a lot of the anger, let it boil and when it came out - look out! He very seldom apologized and would go back to   then the cycle continued. I got use to it but toward the end before the breakup I told him I would leave if he started to rage and I did. Every time he started, I left and the rages were more frequent because he had found my replacement.

He told me I was a Drama Queen. I guess because I set up boundaries. FINALLY.

One night he raged at me in front of his kids. I fought back and argued with him (bad choice). I left and thanked God I still had a home to go to and had not moved in. The next morning (it was Father's Day) he called and said "are you going to come back over and cook this crap?" I had made sticky buns and an egg dish and bought gifts for him. I refused. Another boundary set.

No wonder he broke up with me. Looking back I started to protect myself. I told him too I would not come over when his kids were there to be a target for his rage in front of them. He said he would never do that again. I did not believe him.

Yes, a revelation for me. I was setting boundaries and he couldn't handle that. He wanted control and this forced him to look at the outcome of his rage.

My ex did the same used to shout and argue with me in front of her kids as she knew I wouldn't fight back was always ok for her to do it tho ! Then I did fight back out of built up frustraighted anger and shouted at her back really loud in front of the kids ! Felt terrible afterwards but when your in the FOG and arguing with your BPD partner I lost it ! Further more it gave her ammo to fire at me once she got with my replacement it went something along the lines of "he's a nice gentle guy that doesn't shout at me like you do " in a childish voice and I only did it once ! And same again I set boundaries early on and she just kept pushing them to the absolute limits .

[Mutt]

Don't be hard on yourself Deeno02. I apologized for many things. A reason was to be peace maker around the house. I knew better and didn't want to make things worse because of the kids.

Me to that's all I did was said sorry most of the time looking back sorry for what tho ?

Sorry for all the chaos and anger you directed at me ?

I understand. I had my lion's share in conflict when the kids were in bed. Trust me  Sometimes she would attack me in front of the kids. They watch, hopefully they absorbed it doesn't matter who's right or wrong - it's taking the high road. I did the best I could. Nothing more, nothing less.

[downwhim]

I wanted to pack up his kids and take them with me. He had never lost it in front of them before and directed it at me. Up until now they thought we had a good relationship. You have to understand, his rages were ALWAYS when we were alone. No witnesses. That way he could look like the good guy to others.

What I realized is when it felt like we had a family (joint) he would always ruin it. Maybe because his own family was so... .up.  I had had a fun day with his daughter shopping  making food, wrapping gifts for HIM. But, he always had to make it ugly. No matter how hard I tried to befriend his kids, make life normal have some peace.

P/S Graduating from him... .learning and hoping to move on once I work through this.

[Splitblack4good]

I wanted to pack up his kids and take them with me. He had never lost it in front of them before and directed it at me. Up until now they thought we had a good relationship. You have to understand, his rages were ALWAYS when we were alone. No witnesses. That way he could look like the good guy to others.

What I realized is when it felt like we had a family (joint) he would always ruin it. Maybe because his own family was so... .up.  I had had a fun day with his daughter shopping  making food, wrapping gifts for HIM. But, he always had to make it ugly. No matter how hard I tried to befriend his kids, make life normal have some peace.

P/S Graduating from him... .learning and hoping to move on once I work through this.

My ex was always pleased that I had a closeness to her kids they loved me to bits . However if she wasn't getting her own way over something that had NOTHING to do with the kids what so ever she would always find a way of using them or bringing them into it to make me feel bad ! I don't know how ppl with BPD do that mind trickery but they just do !

[Mutt]

My ex was always pleased that I had a closeness to her kids they loved me to bits . However if she wasn't getting her own way over something that had NOTHING to do with the kids what so ever she would always find a way of using them or bringing them into it to make me feel bad ! I don't know how ppl with BPD do that mind trickery but they just do !

I understand. Sometimes a pwBPD will fight for ones attention and sometimes they'll fight for the attention you give the kids.

[mrshambles]

We got into a fight on our first date. Looking back, I think it was because I was being really quiet and she couldn't figure out how to mirror me. The breakups started fast. I think we broke up 4 times in the first three months. Maybe some of them have a hard time coupling at first? I always knew when I caught her doing something sneaky or wrong and confronted her, a break up was soon to follow.

[Lion Fire]

In my case, there was no such thing as an argument. Opinions are exchanged in a regular argument. It was more like a violent eruption on her side and me trying to defend and protect myself. She had her first blowout after 6 weeks. In hindsight I should have walked then... .I pulled her up on her disproportionate reaction and behaviour and she became ridiculously defensive and then aggressive again, this was a massive red flag that said to me that she was volatile and unaccountable for her behaviour.

When we moved in together, we spent 24/7  for almost 2 months. It was exciting at first but a felt smothered after a short time because of her dreadful moods and the constant pressure and neurotic, simbiotic nature of our r/s.

We crashed and ended big time after 2 months.

[Splitblack4good]

In my case, there was no such thing as an argument. Opinions are exchanged in a regular argument. It was more like a violent eruption on her side and me trying to defend and protect myself. She had her first blowout after 6 weeks. In hindsight I should have walked then... .I pulled her up on her disproportionate reaction and behaviour and she became ridiculously defensive and then aggressive again, this was a massive red flag that said to me that she was volatile and unaccountable for her behaviour.

When we moved in together, we spent 24/7  for almost 2 months. It was exciting at first but a felt smothered after a short time because of her dreadful moods and the constant pressure and neurotic, simbiotic nature of our r/s.

We crashed and ended big time after 2 months.

Interesting you say that as soon as you lived together that's when it blew up ! I've read so many times articles on BPD that living together can be the worst thing to do if you want to go long term relationship with a partner that had BPD and is also important that you both have your space the non and BPD partner .

My ex and my replacement are together 24/7 and he pretty much lives there now after only 4 weeks . Of course my ex isn't going to tell me much other than they are gettin on well ! But I wonder what the real story is behind closed doors !

[clydegriffith]

Hmm, while i wouldn't call it an argument, the first time i was subjected fo a full blown BPD rage was the very first day we moved in together. I had promised a friend that had helped us move that i would drive him somewhere after we were done and when i told her i was leaving, this set her off. She threw 3 beer bottles in my direction that all cracked by feet. She told me that she was upset because i had a few beers to drink and about to go drive as if that's something i had never done in the past.  I should have taken that as an omen of the horrible things to come.

[harbour]

In my case, there was no such thing as an argument. Opinions are exchanged in a regular argument. It was more like a violent eruption on her side and me trying to defend and protect myself. She had her first blowout after 6 weeks. In hindsight I should have walked then... .I pulled her up on her disproportionate reaction and behaviour and she became ridiculously defensive and then aggressive again, this was a massive red flag that said to me that she was volatile and unaccountable for her behaviour.

Hmm, while i wouldn't call it an argument, the first time i was subjected fo a full blown BPD rage was the very first day we moved in together.

The same here. After 6 weeks. It was not an argument. I was just suddenly verbally attacked, out of the blue. Shock! Very frightening. He raged like mad, calling me evil and a liar. When I asked him what I had done that made him so mad, he got more furious and shouted: ":)on't play tricks with me! Don't pretend you don't know, liar ... .". He went on and on, and every minute he said he couldn't stand it, and he would go home. I remember that I started to cry, and that made it worse. He called me hysterical and playing the victim etc. I felt so powerless and hurt, but then I suddenly got angry. I said: "Stop it! No more. So go home, I don't care, but I will not listen or talk to you until you will behave yourself and talk decently to me." And then I went to the kitchen and closed the door behind me. After two minutes of total silence, he left, quietly. That was the only time I set a boundary, when he raged. I am not sure why. Maybe because I got more and more scared of these outbursts. Still, I don't understand myself there. I mean, my experience with setting that boundary to his first rage was that it worked. So why I after that let him humiliate me by begging him: Would you please not shout so loud, or by just standing there looking at him in silence, I don't know. Yet.

[Blimblam]

When I was with my now ex BPDgf I dont recall having an argument or even bickering with her till at least 4 months in to the relationship. She is now with my replacement and has been with him 4 weeks and getting informed they are arguing already ! Surly this can't be a good sign plus they are constantly together almost 24-7 ! Can anyone give views on weather spending 24-7 with someone that has BPD is good or very bad at the start of a relationship and when did your first argument start into your relationship ?

I was with my ex 24/7 at the start of the relationship. Though we never argued untill about 5 months into the relationship. It wasn't really an arguement it was more of a transference of her critical parent to me then arguing with the critical parent.  I was left bewildered. I refused to argue with her but sort if wanted space triggering her abandonment issues. If only I knew them what I know now.