Evidence

[lovenature]

Has anyone kept emails, texts, etc. to use in the future to stop a BPD ex. who won't leave you alone, or to defend yourself from wrongful accusations? If so, have you had to use the evidence?

[enlighten me]

Its always useful to keep just in case. I put all mine in an email folder labelled z so it was at the bottom out of sight.

[TheDude]

In what context are you referring to using 'evidence'? If there's a specific legal purpose (divorce, charges, etc.), then of course, save everything. If you're referring to using these things as a means to defend yourself to her or control her bad behavior? No. The most effective way to avoid the swirling mess is to ignore it and never engage - 'smoking gun' emails or not.

[fromheeltoheal]

I agree with Dude; if there are possible legal issues and such where you need 'evidence' then yes, but beyond that, it's important to look at your motivation for keeping them.  In an altercation you will lose and your ex will lose; the only winner is the disorder.  The only way you can win is by taking care of yourself very well, which probably doesn't include having your ex in your life in any way.  Take care of you!

[Infern0]

Yeah I kept everything, they say to delete it all to achieve detatchment but i think you need to cover yourself

When me and my current BPDgf broke up last time she actually denied that we had been together even though i had photo's texts, facebook convos etc etc etc. If you end up split black you need to be prepared fr stuff because they can tell some massive lies and it's good to have the proof.

[lovenature]

I would like to get rid of everything, but I agree with Infern0, you just never know what they will do to make your life worse.

Thanks for the info.

[.cup.car]

Yes and yes.

Her dad is a tech school instructor and used his prestige to lie for his daughter.

[mitchell16]

yes I have. i still have all emails, texts messages and voicemails. About year before we split I started recording her. Not proud of that but felt like I needed it for my own protection from the lies she told. I have never had a relationship where I had to do such things. That was also a clue that I needed to get away from this relationship.

[clydegriffith]

Yes, i have. The BPDx had me arrested on multiple ocassions on frivilous DV accusations. At one point in time i was recording all telephone conversations with her and saving all texts. I only communicate with her via email now so there is trail of our discussions in case anything were to happen in the future, which knowing her it's only a  matter of time.

[rlhmm]

 i did not as i am completely nc and didnt want any "baggage" of hers left behind. what i did do was forward everything to her email as i felt obligated to return what didnt "belong to me".  i figure that should there be a need to retrieve any of that "mental garbage" in the future for my protection, that it can be obtained through a court order with the appropriate source. whats said on the internet stays on the internet. i choose to be ":)e-cluttered". 

[ogopogodude]

i did not as i am completely nc and didnt want any "baggage" of hers left behind. what i did do was forward everything to her email as i felt obligated to return what didnt "belong to me".   i figure that should there be a need to retrieve any of that "mental garbage" in the future for my protection, that it can be obtained through a court order with the appropriate source. whats said on the internet stays on the internet. i choose to be ":)e-cluttered".  

This is a choice thing of either keeping all/every nutty email or text etc ... .or completely eliminating everything as it came in to one's computer/cell phone.

 As it sounds all nice and all by eliminating all incoming data from the ex, ... .even though it "de-clutters" one's life, reality is this: if there is ever any police or lawyering involved, ... and 99% of the time there most certainly is, ... .with any relationship breakdown, and especially with kids involvement , then keeping evidence is imperative.

   If I didn't keep all nutty emails, texts or videos of her craziness, I would have perished long ago.  This evidence not only validates each and every action and non-action that I   undertake, but it has certainly kept me out of jail.  There is nothing worse than a false accusation charge by your ex.  Having handcuffs on my wrists was and will never be on my agenda. A disgruntled ex is at times a believable person to professionals (doctors, lawyers, police, other friends and family).  

  But when you have evidence of your ex chasing you around and scaring the children as well as abusing them verbally/emotionally and even physically, then this evidence is not only valuable but essential.  It can even be essential to the well-being of the BPD individual. How so, you may ask?

  A judge may view evidence be it video audio or a view a written report from social services agent that has viewed damaging video and then this judge may order a section 15 psychiatric evaluation and then an immediate ban of the BPD person from contracting the children etc.  Then the BPD individual may HAVE to attend anger management and therapy and it may be court ordered.  

My advice, ... .keep it and archive it.  Have a system. Just do.  Then eliminate it once the threat is for sure gone (the BPD marries another schmuck).

[rlhmm]

i did not as i am completely nc and didnt want any "baggage" of hers left behind. what i did do was forward everything to her email as i felt obligated to return what didnt "belong to me".   i figure that should there be a need to retrieve any of that "mental garbage" in the future for my protection, that it can be obtained through a court order with the appropriate source. whats said on the internet stays on the internet. i choose to be ":)e-cluttered".  

This is a choice thing of either keeping all/every nutty email or text etc ... .or completely eliminating everything as it came in to one's computer/cell phone.

 As it sounds all nice and all by eliminating all incoming data from the ex, ... .even though it "de-clutters" one's life, reality is this: if there is ever any police or lawyering involved, ... and 99% of the time there most certainly is, ... .with any relationship breakdown, and especially with kids involvement , then keeping evidence is imperative.

   If I didn't keep all nutty emails, texts or videos of her craziness, I would have perished long ago.  This evidence not only validates each and every action and non-action that I   undertake, but it has certainly kept me out of jail.  There is nothing worse than a false accusation charge by your ex.  Having handcuffs on my wrists was and will never be on my agenda. A disgruntled ex is at times a believable person to professionals (doctors, lawyers, police, other friends and family).  

  But when you have evidence of your ex chasing you around and scaring the children as well as abusing them verbally/emotionally and even physically, then this evidence is not only valuable but essential.  It can even be essential to the well-being of the BPD individual. How so, you may ask?

  A judge may view evidence be it video audio or a view a written report from social services agent that has viewed damaging video and then this judge may order a section 15 psychiatric evaluation and then an immediate ban of the BPD person from contracting the children etc.  Then the BPD individual may HAVE to attend anger management and therapy and it may be court ordered.  

My advice, ... .keep it and archive it.  Have a system. Just do.  Then eliminate it once the threat is for sure gone (the BPD marries another schmuck).    first of all, sorry you went through all that... .i think its important to go with your gut instincts on this one. if you save them and archive them, then they are ready to be viewed by law enforcement on the spot. know your audience and let common sense above all, be your guide. i'm 6 months out and 100% nc. i have no baggage or children with my pwBPDexf. i feel i'm in a low threat stance at this point. onward and upward!

[enlighten me]

Something worth thinking about is keeping old mobiles. If you change your phone then put the old one away with its charger so all yhe texts are stored but you wont be tempted to access them or risk being triggered.

[livednlearned]

I kept everything, and used it in court. My ex, although he is male, was also fond of false allegations -- something that seems to be more common with female pwBPD.

I highly recommend hanging onto everything. If you have a problem ruminating and keep looking at it, then maybe get a safety deposit box or entrust it to a friend. It's worth keeping. It's also worth taking care of your own mental health so that you can detach and move on, so put a plan together for both if that's necessary for you.

Some people recommend keeping receipts too. This can help you prove your whereabouts if you are accused falsely of being somewhere when you weren't.

It's stressful to face a false allegation, and it's very exasperating trying to get records of things from people who should have them. In some cases, it can cost you money to request documents, records, or other kinds of evidence. Don't count on phone companies to help.

I have an iphone and downloaded software that organizes and archives everything, but especially text messages. My ex tended to save the worst for text, and I was able to print out the text messages exactly as they appeared, so the judge was able to view them exactly as I received them.

Often in court, things move very quickly and the evidence is dealt with so swiftly it can take your breath away. You have a lot riding on these decisions, and to judges and lawyers, it's just their job, they see it all day, day after day.

Take care of yourself by setting up a good system to document things, at least during the initial year, if not longer (depending on the severity of your's ex's traits and whether you have kids) and make sure you don't end up on the wrong side of a false allegation.

It's not fun.

[bravhart1]

Sadly yes, we need to keep every crazy ranting email, text message and voicemail. And yes they have come in handy when there is a dispute about who did what.

And yes, we keep receipts, and anything that can prove where we were and when. It's a very sad way to live, I can't help but feel it makes us paranoid, and slightly crazy too when we have to go around documenting every trip to the market, or hair salon. But this is our life.

I guess the real issue around this type of control over another persons life is " why do they get to do it to us?" Why is there no help to stop it?

It's like a thousand drips of water each day, one drip isn't fatal, but thousands every day do absolutely begin to erode the person they land on.

[gherkins]

I used forum posts where the husband's ex admitted to physically threatening me to get her to drop a restraining order that was based on bogus DV charges. She's laid low for a while, but the crazy is starting to show through again.  It's time to lawyer up.  Sigh.

[ogopogodude]

I used forum posts where the husband's ex admitted to physically threatening me to get her to drop a restraining order that was based on bogus DV charges. She's laid low for a while, but the crazy is starting to show through again.  It's time to lawyer up.  Sigh.

I'm not quite following:  you mean you used your own forum posts (say, from this site) in court or lawyer correspondences? I never woulda thought of that

[gherkins]

I used forum posts where the husband's ex admitted to physically threatening me to get her to drop a restraining order that was based on bogus DV charges. She's laid low for a while, but the crazy is starting to show through again.  It's time to lawyer up.  Sigh.

I'm not quite following:  you mean you used your own forum posts (say, from this site) in court or lawyer correspondences? I never woulda thought of that

No, she's on facebook, etc, and bragged on the sites about threatening me. (We had been " facebook friends" since it was a way to keep tabs of the kiddo.  The ex is quite fond of withholding little details like school and medical information. She has since blocked us, btw.) Our lawyer said that posts made on public forums could be used as evidence of her behavior and actions and that we weren't the ones acting with violent intent.  She dropped the restraining order immediately.