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[LostMom2002]

This is my first post. My daughter is 21 and we have struggled her whole life to understand what was happening. She was diagnosed with autism when she was 11, but I’ve always felt there was more there. Recently, we discovered that she has BPD. It all fits. The roller coaster, the abuse, the depression, the anger, refusal to take advice, refusal to accept help. It’s nice to have the diagnosis, but my family is still broken in many ways because of the issues. I’m in therapy but it would be nice to hear stories from others who experience this. It’s such a lonely existence in so many ways. Thank you for listening.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Swimmy55]

Hi and welcome.
You didn't mention if your daughter lives with you or not.  Does she accept her diagnosis and wants help? Great that you are in therapy! I also was in therapy when my adult son lived with me. Reading some of the suggested literature in the "library" on this forum helped .  "Stop Walking on Eggshells" was the first book I read on this subject and introduced me to the concept of us parents taking care of our needs first. Thank you for writing in, please feel free to share more as you are comfortable. 

[LostMom2002]

Thank you for your reply and for the reading recommendation. I didn’t realize there was a library here. To answer your question my daughter doesn’t currently live with us. She moved from California to Kansas with her boyfriend and even though their relationship is toxic they are planning to get married next weekend. We were originally invited, then uninvited, then she said we could go but didn’t want us near his family, then said they might cancel the wedding. It’s been a lot of ups and downs. It’s been healing to find this group and also heartbreaking to read these stories that mirror our own. To know so many families suffer in similar ways is so sad.

[Ourworld]

Hi Lostmom,

I always suspected that my SIL stayed at my daughter’s apt at college that I paid for, but I did not really care since she stayed on the Dean’s List!
I have found out it was true from the ex-husband who has major mental illness (PTSD, Schizophrenia w/major hallucinations, agoraphobia, anxiety, and depression) from his military experiences. They had married in secret in 2011.
So, I can definitely relate when you said about her relationship being toxic. But, look at it this way, it probably takes someone with their own mental issues to really accept and love her as she is.
And, importantly, her being happy and safe is what really matters.
My daughter (now 38) left him last July when he had a 10-month long psychotic episode, she had blocked me 11 years ago and has now blocked him, she moved, so we don’t know where she’s at, but I have been told that she’s safe, happy, and focused on getting better. (My brother & SIL try to keep track of her-he never tells me details, but he does his best to help me feel better-and he knew how important it was to me for her to move.)

The ex lives in an apartment near the VA and is receiving good treatments. I mentor him mainly because he is stable and has no family, plus he has told me about my daughter’s behavior that she had hidden from me. I did not realize she was having problems-she is very high-functioning and keeps everything inside (silent). The effects became obvious (even though I thought it was her age) as she became a teenager; her father left then died when she was 11.
She has blocked me because she did not want me to see how much she had sunk into mental illness. Hopefully she’s getting better since she finally moved out of the seedy college town where she had graduated! I did not know that she was having mental problems or I might not have taken the job.

But, I rest in the knowledge that she is God’s child and He blessed me with her to raise, but once they become 21 or after college, they are in His hands. Trust and pray that she is on the right path and know that even before she was born He had a plan for her life.

Live YOUR own life now to the fullest! Rest in the fact that you gave her a good foundation and let her fly!

She will hopefully not block you from communicating with her, be sure and stay in touch with her when you vacation, but when I was gone the only form of international communication was email.
I think my daughter felt abandoned, before I left in 7/2010, she excitedly told me she was engaged and showed me her ring. This probably had a lot to do with her just getting a courthouse marriage in secret in 2011. Then it was after I returned in 2013 that she informed me she no longer wanted to communicate with me.

I know that you are concerned for her, and believe me, I get it, but it did give me peace and comfort that I knew her husband was taking care of her.
The ex has never blocked me (much to her chagrin) and we would talk on messenger occasionally.
So, try not to worry and manage her life and treatments anymore so she doesn’t block you, and be happy she communicates with you on occasion!

Wishing you the best with your life and hers, a whole new season for you both!

Take care, OurWorld

[Ourworld]

Hi LostMom,

I am not sure of your beliefs, but I just want to mention how important it is for us to pray for our daughters and others; intercessory prayer. When I was 3 years old, the prayers from people saved my life (I had kidney disease)!

I think and pray for my daughter daily, that will probably never go away. I’m hopeful that she reconnects with me someday soon, and I will deal with that when it happens.
In the meantime, I will do my own thing, I will not plan things around any possibilities of her return.

I can only imagine how difficult it is to let go and trust, but you can do it, it sounds like you have been! Just let her and God manage things (she may not recognize Him, but that’s His child and He will take care of her), that’s why yours and friends prayers make a difference!