One Month No Contact

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I’ve been reading these forums for a few weeks now and wanted to share my story and where I’m at, hopefully it can inspire hope in some other people or help in anyway! I met my exPWBPD back in January and while I enjoyed her company, she almost immediately had some red flags that made me weary. Namely, she almost immediately told me she had PTSD from an abusive relationship and was very possessive of me fast, asking about other girls etc when we had just met and it was not appropriate. I kept seeing her but kept my distance both literally a figuretively for the next few months, visiting each other but still remaining single (she lives many states away). I would finance all of these trips and while our time together was great, she would act erratically and nitpick my language whenever we were apart. In May, she accused me of “not being present” continuously, and it became too much for me, so I cut it off. She proceeded to buy a plane ticket to come see me, and we spent the weekend together (mistake on my part). At the end of a great weekend, she cried to me about wanting to be my girlfriend, and I relented despite my reservations (bigger mistake). We dated for five months exclusively (at least on my part), and as soon as we began dating, her abuse of me slowly but steadily began escalating. Triangulation with someone she’d slept with while casually dating me, rants about how bad I was in bed, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, self harm that was blamed on me, multiple suicide threats etc. At first I would react angrily to her provocations, but after losing my cool one night I decided to try to be more empathetic and kind to her and see if it made a difference. Needless to say, it did not. I had even accused her of having BPD in August, and she had shown me documents she’d highlighted about BPD and discussed with her therapist, and he concluded she didn’t have it. In retrospect it is obvious this is a lie as well. As things continued, she became more distant, we broke up and made up a few times, but I was nearing the end of my proverbial “rope” and eventually I broke. She said horrible things about my character and appearance, and at that point I’d had enough. I told her via email that we were finished permanently, and she proceeded to send me multiple emails trying to illicit contact, a video of herself crying, etc. After not responding to these provocations, her friend proceeded to message me on Instagram at which point I unblocked her email to tell her to leave me alone. She immediately called me hysterical and say “I’m so happy I cheated on you!”. I immediately hung up and questioned her via text about the cheating, she claimed she never hooked up with someone when we were supposed to be exclusive but was vague about what she meant by cheating (emotional or otherwise). I finally blocked her on everything and in the proceeding week, she continued to email me threatening emails, called me from blocked numbers continuously, and eventually called me 46 times from a blocked number leaving voicemails saying I should get tested for STIs and an email saying specifically to be tested for chylmdia. (The exact scenario of a friend of mine cheating and giving his girlfriend chylmidia played out earlier this year and she knew about it, so I suspect she was trying to illicit a reaction from me). I did not respond to any of these contact attempts, however. Her last contact attempt was an email of a picture of her emotional support rabbit as if none of the horrid things she’d said had ever happened. It’s been two weeks since a contact attempt and I’m happy to say while I’m still angry about everything, more than anything I pity her because the entire process was truly pathetic. I am seeing a therapist to undue any residual effects of this relationship, am dating other women who are kind and supporting and am feeling better day by day! I suppose my message to anyone out there is that you are not alone, and never let someone with this kind of a disorder alter the way you perceive yourself or your self esteem. Know yourself and your worth and keep living! Thanks for hearing me out, it was very cathartic to type that out. And for clarification purposes, after breaking it off, I messaged her ex to ask for his advice and it turns out that he had gone through essentially the same experience. Gaslighting, lies etc. I guess my point by mentioning that is you cannot allow someone who lies like they breathe to influence your feelings on yourself, because I assure you, them trying to take you down is not remotely a reflection of you, but rather their wild insecurity. Thanks for reading y’all : ) and stay strong out there!

[dylondawg]

Hi all,

I’ve been reading these forums for a few weeks now and wanted to share my story and where I’m at, hopefully it can inspire hope in some other people or help in anyway! I met my exPWBPD back in January and while I enjoyed her company, she almost immediately had some red flags that made me weary. Namely, she almost immediately told me she had PTSD from an abusive relationship and was very possessive of me fast, asking about other girls etc when we had just met and it was not appropriate. I kept seeing her but kept my distance both literally a figuretively for the next few months, visiting each other but still remaining single (she lives many states away). I would finance all of these trips and while our time together was great, she would act erratically and nitpick my language whenever we were apart. In May, she accused me of “not being present” continuously, and it became too much for me, so I cut it off. She proceeded to buy a plane ticket to come see me, and we spent the weekend together (mistake on my part). At the end of a great weekend, she cried to me about wanting to be my girlfriend, and I relented despite my reservations (bigger mistake). We dated for five months exclusively (at least on my part), and as soon as we began dating, her abuse of me slowly but steadily began escalating. Triangulation with someone she’d slept with while casually dating me, rants about how bad I was in bed, verbal abuse, emotional abuse, self harm that was blamed on me, multiple suicide threats etc. At first I would react angrily to her provocations, but after losing my cool one night I decided to try to be more empathetic and kind to her and see if it made a difference. Needless to say, it did not. I had even accused her of having BPD in August, and she had shown me documents she’d highlighted about BPD and discussed with her therapist, and he concluded she didn’t have it. In retrospect it is obvious this is a lie as well. As things continued, she became more distant, we broke up and made up a few times, but I was nearing the end of my proverbial “rope” and eventually I broke. She said horrible things about my character and appearance, and at that point I’d had enough. I told her via email that we were finished permanently, and she proceeded to send me multiple emails trying to illicit contact, a video of herself crying, etc. After not responding to these provocations, her friend proceeded to message me on Instagram at which point I unblocked her email to tell her to leave me alone. She immediately called me hysterical and say “I’m so happy I cheated on you!”. I immediately hung up and questioned her via text about the cheating, she claimed she never hooked up with someone when we were supposed to be exclusive but was vague about what she meant by cheating (emotional or otherwise). I finally blocked her on everything and in the proceeding week, she continued to email me threatening emails, called me from blocked numbers continuously, and eventually called me 46 times from a blocked number leaving voicemails saying I should get tested for STIs and an email saying specifically to be tested for chylmdia. (The exact scenario of a friend of mine cheating and giving his girlfriend chylmidia played out earlier this year and she knew about it, so I suspect she was trying to illicit a reaction from me). I did not respond to any of these contact attempts, however. Her last contact attempt was an email of a picture of her emotional support rabbit as if none of the horrid things she’d said had ever happened. It’s been two weeks since a contact attempt and I’m happy to say while I’m still angry about everything, more than anything I pity her because the entire process was truly pathetic. I am seeing a therapist to undue any residual effects of this relationship, am dating other women who are kind and supporting and am feeling better day by day! I suppose my message to anyone out there is that you are not alone, and never let someone with this kind of a disorder alter the way you perceive yourself or your self esteem. Know yourself and your worth and keep living! Thanks for hearing me out, it was very cathartic to type that out. And for clarification purposes, after breaking it off, I messaged her ex to ask for his advice and it turns out that he had gone through essentially the same experience. Gaslighting, lies etc. I guess my point by mentioning that is you cannot allow someone who lies like they breathe to influence your feelings on yourself, because I assure you, them trying to take you down is not remotely a reflection of you, but rather their wild insecurity. Thanks for reading y’all : ) and stay strong out there!

[once removed]

hi dylondawg, and

it was very cathartic to type that out.

it does help to get it all down, and im glad you took the step of reaching out. talking about things with others who understood where i was coming from: i dont know where id have been without it.

how long have you been out? how are you holding up?

[dylondawg]

Thanks, once removed! I officially ended things on Halloween, no contact on my end since November 3rd. I'm holding up alright, I am not depressed and I am starting to feel like my old self again and enjoy life. I definitely still get quite angry thinking about it at times, but I've also made it a goal to limit ruminating, focusing on the present and absolutely no contact whatsoever. Talking to my professional psychologist has helped immensely as well!

[once removed]

boy, one month out my ruminating had peaked, so youre ahead of the game 

whats worked for you in terms of limiting ruminations? what are you focusing on with your psychologist?

[dylondawg]

What's helping with limiting ruminating has been basically two things: 1. Reminding myself that I ended things because this person is who she is, her behavior is unacceptable and I want no part of it and 2. Remembering that BPDs desire attention, positive or negative, so I take solace in the fact that I am denying that attention as much as possible, even if she isn't aware.

As far as my psychologist is concerned, we have focused mostly on insights into her behavior so I can understand what happened as much as possible, as well as strategies to remain detached from her. For example, not escalating things, remaining no contact, leaving any further emails unread etc. He has been an incredible resource thus far. What has been helping me more than anything is understanding and owning that this person has a personality disorder, the result was unavoidable, and that her actions are not a reflection of me or my efforts in the relationship. For example, while I'm unsure of if she actually cheated or not, knowing she has BPD it is easier to "accept" than if a previous, undisordered partner had betrayed me in that way. I guess it's because knowing what I know about BPD, it has become less personalized in my mind. The ultimate "it's not you, it's them" so to speak

[once removed]

The ultimate "it's not you, it's them" so to speak

this helped me for a while, too. there were a lot of qualities about my ex that i couldnt, and would never have been able to accept or live with. jealousy makes me feel really smothered and possessed, for example. i need a fair amount of space in a relationship and clinginess really exhausts me.

further on though, especially after i started dating again, and ran into some of the same old problems, even though by that point i was far removed from my ex,  i realized there were some lessons about me and my relationships that persisted, that i wanted to learn, and take into future relationships. theyve taken me far today and im a different man than the one from my old relationship. we do that work on the Learning board, and id encourage you to spend some time there (requires a minimum of ten posts).

cheating, whether a person has a personality disorder or not, is a big blow, and it is a betrayal. how are you taking it? have you been in a relationship where a partner cheated before?

[dylondawg]

I definitely agree with you about this experience changing me, I am not and will not be the same person I was when I entered the relationship. I’m trying to understand as much as I can about myself to take into future relationships to ensure nothing like this ever happens again.

I’ve never been with a partner who cheated before, no. As far as how I’m taking it, to be honest I’m takin it fine. I think part of it is the lack of clarity as to if she actually did it or not (said she did, said she didn’t, said she would never, used someone else’s story to get a reaction). Even if she did, I feel good that at least my “spidey sense” so to speak is accurate in that I never fully trusted her, and I shot down triangulation attempts immediately. Also, as far as projecting, she never really accused me of cheating while she did accuse me of many things she herself was doing (lying etc). If she did cheat, it’s in the past and we are no longer attached, so so be it. She has to live with the karma of her decisions, and if anything the fact that I am no longer in a position to be cheated on is empowering. She can do whatever she pleases at this point... .and so can I, with a clear conscience. I never deviated from my morals by cheating and I’m proud of that.

Also, I will definitely check out the Learning page 

[once removed]

its hard to know... .i was in a similar position. i found some evidence after we broke up, and i saw several signs in retrospect. i didnt take it too hard either, kind of shocked but not surprised, one cant know for sure, and its history. either way, "im so glad i cheated on you" is swinging really wildly, and theres nothing to be done with that but to be done with it.

ensure nothing like this ever happens again.

it seems from your OP that you kinda had one foot outside the relationship for a while. not a lot of positive said about her. so, what was the draw?

[once removed]

so hows it going, dd?

[dylondawg]

I suppose the draw was she does have some good qualities (intelligent, spontaneous, likes traveling/food etc) and the good times were really good. However they became so few and far between toward the end that the bad vastly outweighed the good. It probably helps that it was a long distance relationship and all of the traveling, whether me to her or vice versa, was financed by myself. It is definitely hard to get motivated to spend $500 on a plane ticket when someone has been treating you awfully.

As far as how it's going now, it's going well! I still think about her/BPD/the relationship quite a bit but absolutely not from a context of wanting to reengage, nor ruminating on the good times. Mostly I just want to be as educated as possible about what happened/how to respond (don't  ) in the future if she contacts me. It's been over two weeks since she has emailed, and I haven't received any phone calls I am sure are her in about three weeks. Of course there are good moments/days and bad, but overall I am doing well and moving forward!

One interesting thing I've found in my research is the 4/5 month devaluation timeline that fits right in line with my experiences. It is wild to me that while they are all individuals, there are definitely patterns of behavior that are noticeable. This board has been incredibly valuable to me at this time and I'm thankful for you all!

[once removed]

as educated as possible about what happened
... .
4/5 month devaluation timeline that fits right in line with my experiences.

careful, dd. the internet can trip you up in your research.

if you want to better understand what happened, i would not chalk this (timeline) up to BPD. we have members that have been married for decades, as well as members that didnt see problems for years. there was not a 4/5 month devaluation timeline in my own experience.

if there is a pattern, its that most relationships die between the 3-6 month mark. "why" is an open question, and there are usually reasons that range from shallow to deep, and some in between, but its fair to say they dont make it off the ground because for whatever reason, the two parties arent or cant get on the same page. you and this girl had different approaches... .she pressed for a lot of commitment upfront... .you had a foot out the door, one foot in; there were things you wanted out of the relationship, but not the trouble that came with it. from 30000 feet up, you both tried to move the relationship in a direction that better suited you, but not the other. shed press harder for commitment, you would balk. she threw the kitchen sink, inducing jealousy, self harm, etc. something about that approach worked. so she stuck with it.

meanwhile there was still a lot of conflict. at one point you accused her of having BPD. she started to distance and withdraw, as you had in the beginning, and that effected you. eventually, things came to a head and you terminated the relationship.

the rest is history, and a pretty bad/extreme breakup. what happened between that and the beginning was complex and worth exploring if you want to better understand it. a lot of it might be explained by attachment styles.

what do you think? any part of that sound right? any part sound off base?

[dylondawg]

Fair enough, that makes sense. As far as the examination, the introduction of jealousy, self harm etc all happened after I had fully committed to the relationship. So it wasn't so much attachment styles in my opinion, more so the classic devaluation I've read about, specifically due to push back on my part regarding things I wasn't happy about. For example, shutting down triangulation attempts harshly and immediately. I also attempted to break up with her after the first verbally abusive episode, but foolishly recanted and gave her numerous other chances. I think the fact that I a. did not budge on some of her more ridiculous demands and b. directly challenged her when upset lead to a downward spiral as far as our relationship. I am not the type of person to take abuse lying down, so at first I would be pretty harsh in retaliation to her belittlement/cruelty. The turning point for me personally was that in the last month of the relationship, I completely stopped doing that and forced myself to remain calm no matter what she said, and try to work through things from a non emotional context. It made no difference in her treatment of me, so that is when I decided to bail because it was readily apparent that her behavior toward me would both not change, and also was not directly in response to anything I was or wasn't doing. I even said to her once "it literally doesn't matter what I do or say". I stayed around as long as I did in the relationship because I thought, based upon what she told me, she had PTSD from an abusive partner. It became clearer and clearer that this was not the truth as time progressed, and when I came to the conclusion there would be no improvement, I left. I certainly wouldn't say I had one foot out the door for the majority of the relationship, but rather just that I have low tolerance for poor treatment and was essentially giving her the benefit of the doubt due to her original explanation of her behavior. When I realized that things didn't add up, I made the correct decision to leave and go no contact.

[MyBPD_friend]

Thanks for writing about this experience.  It sounds much like my friendship with a BPD women.
It was long distance and not a sexual rs.
However, once I understood how ill she is and that she would never change I wrote her a short final good bye letter and got a new phone number - that worked well for me.

She also has very good qualities and is intelligent and very attractive, the terrible qualities outplayed the good ones by far.

[dylondawg]

Thanks for writing about this experience.  It sounds much like my friendship with a BPD women.
It was long distance and not a sexual rs.
However, once I understood how ill she is and that she would never change I wrote her a short final good bye letter and got a new phone number - that worked well for me.

She also has very good qualities and is intelligent and very attractive, the terrible qualities outplayed the good ones by far.

Thank you for responding  ! They definitely have their good qualities as you said, but the bad in my case absolutely outplayed the good.  Frankly, if anything this experience has driven home a stronger boundary than I had before to abusive behaviors. In previous relationships I of course had arguments and fights with my exSOs, but I had never experienced direct, unprovoked attacks, nor the level of vitriol and cruelty, that I had in this relationship. I gave her a number of second chances but will never, ever do that again in a future relationship. Even though it has been painful, I do have some great memories too and at the end of the day I am relatively unscathed. I also think this has been an invaluable learning experience. My number one takeaway from this: if something seems off, it is. Trust your gut, always.

[once removed]

our guts have certain biases, and tend to project past experiences on current ones.

certainly, its good to learn to spot a dead end relationship, and to exit it maturely and gracefully. sometimes though, in the aftermath of these relationships, we can become hypervigilant, avoidant, and double down on approaches that may not serve us in building healthy relationships.

For example, shutting down triangulation attempts harshly and immediately. I also attempted to break up with her after the first verbally abusive episode, but foolishly recanted and gave her numerous other chances. I think the fact that I a. did not budge on some of her more ridiculous demands and b. directly challenged her when upset lead to a downward spiral as far as our relationship. I am not the type of person to take abuse lying down, so at first I would be pretty harsh in retaliation to her belittlement/cruelty. The turning point for me personally was that in the last month of the relationship, I completely stopped doing that and forced myself to remain calm no matter what she said, and try to work through things from a non emotional context.

the key, i think, is to find the middle ground between these two approaches. having come from a history of messy relationships, i didnt hold back in my relationship with my uBPDex, and that was messy in its own way. learning to resolve conflict, and certainly, when a relationship is a dead end, walking away, will take you far in the future. its a balance, though.

[Cromwell]

Hi dylondawg

thanks for sharing what youve been through in the  and how well you are doing now,

It’s been two weeks since a contact attempt and I’m happy to say while I’m still angry about everything, more than anything I pity her because the entire process was truly pathetic.

Can I ask where the anger is rooted in? Is it in yourself for having put up with stuff/kept going back, or is it still trying to discern between if what she did was personal or if it was down to her BPD/other disorder?

it was significant healing for me when I could truly (it took a long time) comprehend the magnitude of what BPD is. I still saw my ex as the average girl who for some reason took it upon herself to torment. I took it very personally and got equally angry, in the absence of not understanding the reasons why and that they are rooted in a PD. Detaching helped to recognise the futility of ever thinking I could seperate the two things; my ex and her disorder that no matter what I would do would never be enough to stop it summoning itself.

you are 2 weeks since you last heard and by the sounds of it you are doing great, all I can say though is it might still be early days and my advice is to be aware of a recycle attempt. You cant really blame her for 46 calls when in the past you have shown her that the potential has existed for a recycle after a split up - it gets ingrained in the mind that "hes just in a mood with me now, hes waiting for me to show him I really care, playing hard to get - ill just keep calling"

[dylondawg]

Hi dylondawg

thanks for sharing what youve been through in the  and how well you are doing now,

It’s been two weeks since a contact attempt and I’m happy to say while I’m still angry about everything, more than anything I pity her because the entire process was truly pathetic.

Can I ask where the anger is rooted in? Is it in yourself for having put up with stuff/kept going back, or is it still trying to discern between if what she did was personal or if it was down to her BPD/other disorder?

it was significant healing for me when I could truly (it took a long time) comprehend the magnitude of what BPD is. I still saw my ex as the average girl who for some reason took it upon herself to torment. I took it very personally and got equally angry, in the absence of not understanding the reasons why and that they are rooted in a PD. Detaching helped to recognise the futility of ever thinking I could seperate the two things; my ex and her disorder that no matter what I would do would never be enough to stop it summoning itself.

you are 2 weeks since you last heard and by the sounds of it you are doing great, all I can say though is it might still be early days and my advice is to be aware of a recycle attempt. You cant really blame her for 46 calls when in the past you have shown her that the potential has existed for a recycle after a split up - it gets ingrained in the mind that "hes just in a mood with me now, hes waiting for me to show him I really care, playing hard to get - ill just keep calling"

I'd say the anger is definitely rooted in my inability to trust my own instincts. When she first started claiming self harm, the first time she kept me up incredibly late at night threatening suicide, etc, I knew something was wrong. I have a friend with BPD that is older (30) and has practiced DBT for the last 7 years and is certainly doing better now, but I know how she behaved when she was my exPWBPD's age and there were parallels. Thus I was aware of what BPD was, and I confronted my ex three months into the relationship with my concerns that she did not simply have PTSD, but rather that she had BPD. She lied to me and convinced me she didn't have BPD for some reason that escapes me now. Had I listened to my instincts, I could've exited the relationship at that time and saved myself additional pain/sleepless nights/money etc. Even though I understand her mental illness is what caused her to behave as she had, I still have some anger towards her but it is lessening by the day. I am approaching indifference due to therapy, extensive research on BPD, and reengaging with my life and the things that make me happy, as well as meeting others.

As far as the recycle attempts are concerned, I understand she may reach out in the future, especially given what her other ex told me (still contacting months down the road). Should that happen, I will try to make sure to maintain my strict No Contact policy. Time will tell.

[Cromwell]

Hey Dylondawg

it sounds great how far you are on your way and doing everything positive to make change and protect yourself.

I can relate to feeling anger which part of it is self-directed for either; making poor choices in hindsight that didnt work out as expected, or more so, for choices I made in a backdrop of being put down and mistreated - ones that impinge on healthy self esteem.

but as you say, they diminished as time goes on and for the majority of it all is chalked up as learning experience and ultimately; history. Whats done is done, sleepless nights cant be undone, money wasted cant be resummoned, but there is a lot of value in everything you are doing now and how it has the opportunity to rebuild and come out stronger. The actual process of recovery has ended up being of more value to me nowadays than the relationship itself was, yet i had to go through that first to be able to recognise it, not only has it healed but ive found new relationships enhanced.

It might have been an ordeal at the time but keep optimistic as you seem to be about how it can help you find more fulfillment once youve got over it. We often focus on the things we did 'wrong' but im sure there have been a multitude of things you did really well in the r/s, despite the challenging circumstances. Looking back as I was completely naive to her condition, when I compare what happened in some of her relationships prior, there was extreme destruction going on - I think i handled it really well, it could easily have been a lot worse. Just another way of looking at it.

[Al Kaseltzer]

i just want to say this thread at the moment and the board in general is going to help me a lot in the coming weeks/months.

I give you credit for having been the one to end it, clearly there was enough reasons to do so.  but one of the things i beat myself up over the most is having dealt with a lot of the same treatment and yet always coming back for more.  there were times when i left after something was said or done and i told myself "ok this is it, i am officially done with this", but it just never stuck.  as i stated in another thread, maybe it is a blessing the decision to end it was taken out of my hands, because i dont know how bad things could have gotten before i ever would have ended it myself.  i feel like i need to re-wire my brain, the way i subtly changed and allowed things to happen and not see what was going on in the big picture was never apparent until i stepped back.

[dylondawg]

Glad this thread/my story is helping anyone hear reading, if anyone has any questions for me or anything of that nature I would be happy to help!

Quick update/word of advice to others looking to detach. I received a phone call from my exPWBPD on Christmas Eve. The call was automatically blocked by an app I purchased called TrapCall. It allows you to "blacklist" phone numbers, where if someone from your blacklist calls, they receive a recording saying your phone number has been disconnected and then they cannot leave a voicemail. You then receive a text notification revealing who called you. I cannot recommend this app enough to those seeking to detach! The holiday charming thing was very predictable, as I also received a message from her sister on Instagram. I did not respond. Stay strong during the holidays guys as this is a prime charming time. Happy Holidays to all, be well!