Hi Jennylove:I'm sorry about your situation with your father. I can understand how difficult it must be to live with that situation in a small community. It can be doubly tough, when the person in our life with BPD or strong BPD traits can portray their self as wonderful upstanding people in public, but save their abusive behaviors for loved ones when behind closed doors.
Just a thought about your home, perhaps you could rent it out for awhile? It might be hard in a small community, but if possible, you might consider that. If you rented it, you could later move back into it, when you want to assist your mom with elder care in her later years.
But I dread seeing their many flying monkeys, especially if I'm at work. I'm a traveling nurse right now, but if I go local, I'll work in the ER. And there are no other hospitals in my city except 1, so yeah, I'll likely see their friends and my family members often, and Lord only knows what they've heard. If they ask me if I've talked to my dad lately, How do I respond? Part of me wants to tell the truth, that he's a jerk and we aren't speaking. But part of me wants to Fake it and simply say no.
It can be a great relief to let go of worrying about what others think. The best way to dispel any bad things that might have been said about you is to just be professional, courteous and perform your job in the best way possible.
If quizzed about your dad and step-mom, just have a couple of short replies ready. i.e. "We haven't chatted recently", "I'm sure he is fine", "I'm thinking he's hard at work, as usual", etc. Quickly turn the conversation around and ask about them. If you bad mouth your dad, you put yourself in a situation to appear as the one with a mental health problem (and prompt more gossip or a drama triangle).
Also, as morbid as it sounds, I've thought about what I'll do if they pass away while on non speaking terms (which will probably last forever.) should I attend the funeral or not?
That's a very personal choice and there isn't one right answer. When the time comes, you probably will want to weight out the pros and cons at the time (and for step-mom versus your dad). Will you want to go to a funeral for closure for yourself? Do you feel a need to appear, to prevent community gossip? Do you join forces with your sister (for support) and make a short appearance?
If you choose to NOT go to a funeral, you could satisfy inquiring minds with perhaps telling them that you weren't able to attend the funeral, but went to a private memorial instead. They don't have to know that the private memorial was a small gathering with your mom and sister.