starting divorce process

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hello, I have been married to a BPD wife for 22 years. She has never excepted that she has any issue, so has been untreated. I was able to deal with the rage, confusing accusations and distorted thinking/memory, but then the affairs began. That is where I must draw the line and move on.

The first began about 9-10 years ago, I wanted to leave then but was afraid for the kids. there was a 2nd one soon after, but then seemed to stop. Recently began what appeared to at least be a emotional affair. Texting "bathroom" pics and suggestive language. Always seems to have to have over the top relationships with men, almost like having a bullpen ready to step in at any mistake, real or perceived, that i make. Don't know how far this recent relationship went , but , considering the previous affairs, I have reached my limit.

thanks!

[soot]

Hello, I have been married to a BPD wife for 22 years. She has never excepted that she has any issue, so has been untreated. I was able to deal with the rage, confusing accusations and distorted thinking/memory, but then the affairs began. That is where I must draw the line and move on.

The first began about 9-10 years ago, I wanted to leave then but was afraid for the kids. there was a 2nd one soon after, but then seemed to stop. Recently began what appeared to at least be a emotional affair. Texting "bathroom" pics and suggestive language. Always seems to have to have over the top relationships with men, almost like having a bullpen ready to step in at any mistake, real or perceived, that i make. Don't know how far this recent relationship went , but , considering the previous affairs, I have reached my limit.

thanks!

[Sluggo]

Welcome Soot. 

It sounds like you have been going through a lot for a long time.  please know you are not alone.  I was with my wife 18 and going through divorce now. We are going on 10 months of litigation and it is still going.  However I feel much more at piece since I have been gone 12 months and starting to feel better inside. 

[ForeverDad]

Your feelings to end the relationship/marriage ought not cause you any guilt.  That alone, having affairs and not even counting the other poor behaviors, has historically (even in Bible writings) allowed the innocent mate to end the marriage with basis.  Though these days divorce is usually no fault and it's just about unwinding the marriage and parenting issues.  Of course, expect her to Blame you and Blame Shift away from herself.  There is so much Denial of responsibility in pwBPD.  So be prepared for a huge Blamefest.

Separation is sometimes a period of High Risk of allegations.  Document that your behaviors are normal.  (I recorded myself when around a ranting and raging spouse.)  If she has threatened or contemplated making allegations against you, then given enough time there will be allegations.  Prepare well and be ready for just about anything.

If, after over two decades together, you haven't been able to help her improve herself or get her to go to a trained and experienced professional and start diligently working on herself, then you have no expectation she will do it now.  Oh, faced with divorce she may claim to be willing to do something but it may be more promises than actual follow through.  Sort of like crocodile tears, the tears may be there but is there real sincerity and determination to work on herself long term?

[Sluggo]

Soot,

If she has threatened or contemplated making allegations against you, then given enough time there will be allegations.  Prepare well and be ready for just about anything.

FD makes a great point.  He told me the same thing and it has paid huge dividends.  I have been able to protect myself from numerous allegations (40-50 / some big and some small).  It was keeping the recorder in my pocket was my saving grace.  I used it with the police, CPS, custody elevator, and lawyer.  I also used it for myself because I started to 2nd guess myself of what really happened because my wife said 'her story' with such conviction. 

I was told once- sometimes the marriage bond can be used as a weapon by the other spouse.  Why?  Because the other spouse knows that no matter how bad they treat you will never leave.  He continued saying, I have counseled many couples in the twilight of their marriage who have lived decades under abuse and the false assumption that one must stay married at any cost.   

[ForeverDad]

I also used recordings for myself because I started to 2nd guess myself of what really happened because my wife said 'her story' with such conviction.

Yes!  I often could not remember all that my ex raged.  It was like I blanked it out, or maybe it was so emotionally overwhelming that I could only remember the last bits and pieces.