I did restrain her at one point but only after she cut my lip with a punch. I felt bad about it though.
Don't feel bad about restraining someone who's hurting you. (I know that's easier said than done. But it's not bad in any way to take care of yourself.)
I am away from her now. I simply went and slept on the couch. I am worried that this could have caused me more trouble though. Maybe I will pay for abandoning her tomorrow.
It's good that you're away from her. You can deal with tomorrow, tomorrow.
When someone is in such a state of emotional dysregulation that they're throwing things, hitting, punching, etc. - the best thing you can do is safely stop the interaction (if possible). Leaving and sleeping somewhere else is good.
I feel confused. Hurt. I don't know what to do. I am truly torn. I love and care for her so much. But I feel that I am a good person. And a good and caring partner and I deserve better.
I'm so sorry. I read your other posts... .you are a good and caring partner, it's very obvious that you love and care for her deeply.
It's perfectly understandable that you feel hurt and confused. It's heartbreaking when someone we love so much treats us in such an abusive manner. We know that we deserve better treatment... .but that doesn't stop the love.
You're hurt and you need to heal. Take some time and turn that love and caring onto yourself. You can't control your gf's feelings and behavior - if she has BPD, she will have those abandonment fears regardless of what you do - but you can focus on your own feelings right now.