Well. That didn't take long.

[PaintedBird]

Member for several hours and this is my second post already. I guess I needed this.

My uBPDex (background info here, if you'd care to read it: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=201220.msg12254325#msg12254325) and I just had a small amount of email contact. Yesterday, I sent him an email saying that I missed him, and that most of all what I missed was the fact that we weren't friends anymore. He just replied that he missed that too. I said, if you get to the point where you're ready to talk to me, I would like that. He said, well, I'd like to talk to you but I'm dating other people and I don't want it to be weird.

Three weeks ago, I was the person who made him happier than he could remember feeling. And now he's dating other people, and he doesn't want to talk to me because he doesn't want it to be weird.

There was so much I wanted to say to that. "What happened to Mr. I Can't Be In A Relationship Right Now?" ":)o you really think that's a good idea?" "What was wrong with me? Why wasn't I enough?" Etc. I managed to leave it at, "I'm sorry to hear that." which I feel a little proud of, but - oh god, it hurts so much.

[MontyD]

Paintedbird

If he is a pwBPD, there is only one course of action in my view, get out and run.

I went down the track of trying to make the relationship work for 3 years and realised it was a waste of time. The more I learnt about BPD, on these boards and elsewhere, I could see it would be impossible to have a relationship with my ex.

The way out is to go completely N/C (no contact).  I mean completely, don't even read the stuff they send. It gives you and emotional shock and you get drawn back in only to get pushed away again.

PwBPD want to be loved and want to give love but have a great fear of engulfment, loss of control, so the more they try to love the harder they push you away. It becomes a never ending cycle and the relationship never makes any progress.

Go N/C completely, get out while you can, or have years of misery. BPD is a mental illness and is extremely difficult to cure, if ever.

Monty

[Bananas]

I am so sorry painted bird, I know how you feel.  I had a similar exchange with my ex before I went LC (we work together).  After some back and forth I miss yous, mine ended with him saying "I can't talk to you, in case you didn't know I am living with someone else".  Three weeks prior we were planning our summer vacation together.  It's the worst feeling.

I agree with Monte, NC is the way to go.  I wish I could have it!  I feel a lot better.  I still have bad days, but on the whole a lot better.

[Suzn]

Hi Paintedbird

Welcome. I'm sorry you're hurting right now.    Breakups are hard, for anyone. You were in a vulnerable place when you met this person, just ending a divorce. Even though it sounded mutual, your divorce, it's still a loss. Losses need to be grieved. It seems that you are likely dealing with a double dose of grief right now. You've been through some really big changes within the past 6 months.

I commend you for holding your tongue today, that takes a lot of strength. You most likely would have heard more of the same as was in your last argument. That would have been even more difficult in the long run. Getting angry is so easy, most prefer it to hurt. Give yourself the gift of some time for you to heal.  

[PaintedBird]

Now that a little time has passed, and I'm feeling a lot less hurt and angry, I can recognize this as being part of his MO. The last time we broke up, he baited me with that same "Well, I'd love to hang out with you, but I have a date tonight" crap. Once we were back together, he admitted that he'd had one bad date each with two people he'd met on OKCupid, neither of which was going to go anywhere.

His other trick to get me back, which I've been on my guard for, has been to text me about some emergency involving one of his exes - he's had to deal with a meltdown, or she's in crisis, or what have you, and I'm the only one who understands him enough to know what he's going through.

It's actually funny, in a sick way, he's so predictable and obvious. And yet, I still fall for it. But not this time.