Well, what I hoped for... I didn't get. Sort of...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi all,

I was actually hoping for some sort of acknowledgement of my birthday this past Friday from my exBPDbf.  Wrong of me, I know. But I have to be honest here. It was one year ago on October 2nd that he discarded me and ran away from our relationship. Leaving me to completely rebuild my life from scratch. Financially and otherwise.

Anyway - what I hoped for - I didn't get... .sort of.  He must keep tabs on me thru FB. We are not "friends", but I never blocked him and vice-versa. I've noticed that when I post certain things they must "trigger" him in some way. He never posts on FB anymore since he left me. This was not the case prior to our becoming involved with each other. He was quite active. Now I've noticed that if I "trigger" him (not intentional on my part) - he'll act out by tossing up all kinds of "shares" - total nonsense that he doesn't even comment on. Weird. And yes - he "acted out" on my birthday. And yes - I am guilty of checking out his FB page more often that I care to admit. I'm just curious if others feel like they are "watched" on FB by their exes"?

And if the nonsense FB shares are a way for him to self-soothe?


Thx!

[lipstick]

Hi all,

I was actually hoping for some sort of acknowledgement of my birthday this past Friday from my exBPDbf.  Wrong of me, I know. But I have to be honest here. It was one year ago on October 2nd that he discarded me and ran away from our relationship. Leaving me to completely rebuild my life from scratch. Financially and otherwise.

Anyway - what I hoped for - I didn't get... .sort of.  He must keep tabs on me thru FB. We are not "friends", but I never blocked him and vice-versa. I've noticed that when I post certain things they must "trigger" him in some way. He never posts on FB anymore since he left me. This was not the case prior to our becoming involved with each other. He was quite active. Now I've noticed that if I "trigger" him (not intentional on my part) - he'll act out by tossing up all kinds of "shares" - total nonsense that he doesn't even comment on. Weird. And yes - he "acted out" on my birthday. And yes - I am guilty of checking out his FB page more often that I care to admit. I'm just curious if others feel like they are "watched" on FB by their exes"?

And if the nonsense FB shares are a way for him to self-soothe?


Thx!

[bauers220]

Yes it can be a way to keep tabs which is sounds like you both do.  I would have continued to do so as well but she's had me blocked on and off for months now - I broke my habit of wanting to check her page so I'm good.  It takes a month or two of not going to their page... .My suggestion hon - is not worry what he is or isn't doing if you are really wanting this to be over.  Or you are surely in for a recycle... .I promise you that!  HUGS

[lipstick]

Hi bauers,

Thx for your reply. I'm not concerned about a recycle. He's back with his spouse and I just don't think he has the courage to contact me. Plus - it's now been a year of nothing. And I've tried to work on why I allowed myself to become involved with him in the first place. I just need to stop checking up on him!  I am doing it less and less, though. Which is a good thing.

[bauers220]

I admire your resolve    FB is such a dangerous place ... .I know... .just take it one day at a time like an alcoholic - see how many you can get... .haha - should I purchase some 30 day chips for those of us obsessed with FB stalking?  Just kidding.  I keep checking to see if I am unblocked so its probably still a bad thing.  When I'm not blocked - contact is around the corner... .which always comes... .but she's mad mad mad at me... .

I stood up to her and told her she was verbally abusive.  2 years and I never said it... .but I just did.

[lipstick]

Bauers,

Good for you on taking a stand!  Awesome!  Mine isn't mad at me. I was never painted black. I believe at this point he thinks that I hate him (for good reason!). But I don't. I hate the disorder - not the person.

He has a pattern to his FB nonsense. Always posts on Sunday / Monday (day off). This last time around - it was on my b'day (Friday). This was the first activity he's had since the middle of August, which was reacting to something on my FB page. So weird. Doesn't have the guts to talk to me - but yet can't let me go. I believe they are terrified of rejection!

Perhaps eventually you and I will reach a point of indifference and we won't look anymore! Won't that be a great day ?

[happylogist]

I was not checking, but yesterday - i slipped!  Felt so broken and bad afterwards... .   I noticed that his picture has changed (we are still friends) and clicked on his profile... .He changed his picture and a cover photo. The cover photo resembles a bit mine... .  I love street art, he never told me that he did too. And youtube link to a song next to that street-art picture  about wanting changes... There was nothing, but it was all a trigger for me, again flash-backs, ruminating and feeling bad... . 

I consider blocking him and a couple of mutual friends, including his current gf all together, but it is too radical... .I wish I had guts!

Lipstick, mine also didn't paint me black, he found a replacement and never actually was serious about being with me before that either, though he always denied that fact.

I do not live in my country and FB is a good way for connecting with people, I do not want to delete my account... .

I think I need to ration and check FB only once in the evening without stalking his or mutual friends' pages... .

[bauers220]

Bauers,

Good for you on taking a stand!  Awesome!  Mine isn't mad at me. I was never painted black. I believe at this point he thinks that I hate him (for good reason!). But I don't. I hate the disorder - not the person.

He has a pattern to his FB nonsense. Always posts on Sunday / Monday (day off). This last time around - it was on my b'day (Friday). This was the first activity he's had since the middle of August, which was reacting to something on my FB page. So weird. Doesn't have the guts to talk to me - but yet can't let me go. I believe they are terrified of rejection!

Perhaps eventually you and I will reach a point of indifference and we won't look anymore! Won't that be a great day ?

I have "moments" of indifference... .and why I hang on at all is beyond me.  We haven't had a decent anything in months... .any attempt at friendship is still foiled again and again.  Or she will want more - say she wants me back as her GF and then... .she disappears within a couple days - no communication... .and to see her in person anymore?  Ya right - that doesn't happen anymore either... .So I find the out of sight out of mind thing does happen... .the longer this goes like this - the more indifferent I do become.  That is for the best... .I pray for the day it stops hurting and I am just indifferent all the time - so yes that will be a GREAT day!

[bauers220]

I was not checking, but yesterday - i slipped!  Felt so broken and bad afterwards... .   I noticed that his picture has changed (we are still friends) and clicked on his profile... .He changed his picture and a cover photo. The cover photo resembles a bit mine... .  I love street art, he never told me that he did too. And youtube link to a song next to that street-art picture  about wanting changes... There was nothing, but it was all a trigger for me, again flash-backs, ruminating and feeling bad... . 

I consider blocking him and a couple of mutual friends, including his current gf all together, but it is too radical... .I wish I had guts!

Lipstick, mine also didn't paint me black, he found a replacement and never actually was serious about being with me before that either, though he always denied that fact.

I do not live in my country and FB is a good way for connecting with people, I do not want to delete my account... .

I think I need to ration and check FB only once in the evening without stalking his or mutual friends' pages... .

Don't beat yourself up!  This is hard stuff... .and our self esteem has been damaged... .Just start over... .day one... .xo

[lipstick]

Hi happylogist,

My heart hurt for you reading your post. I've been there and I know exactly how you're feeling. Hang in there! I know that's not much to go on, but it will get better. In the beginning - I clung to the hope of a recycle like you wouldn't believe!  It was so hard for me to accept that someone who had asked me to marry him, spend the rest of my life with him, heck - we were even trying to get pregnant (WHAT was I thinking?) could toss me in the gutter the way he did.

Just know that you're not alone. We've all been there - sucks, but it's true.

The only thing that comforts me now is knowing that my exBPDbf has most definitely NOT forgotten about me. He keeps tabs on me probably more often than I think. He won't contact me - too much of a coward. But that's okay - my life is moving forward regardless of him. Yours will too - regardless of your ex !

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

The only thing that comforts me now is knowing that my exBPDbf has most definitely NOT forgotten about me. He keeps tabs on me probably more often than I think. He won't contact me - too much of a coward. But that's okay - my life is moving forward regardless of him. Yours will too - regardless of your ex !

And so say all of us! Yes, I take comfort in knowing that my ex has done things that show he hasn't forgotten me either - and that there are already signs that he's started the push-pull already with my Replacement, so it isn't "better" than me.

Life is moving on indeed. The longer I go No Contact, the better - and this last week especially, since I truly made my Escape, stopping myself from seeing ANY of his Facebook activity has helped enormously. I've dropped mutual friends from my News Feed (although not defriended them!), and I blocked him and the replacement blocked me (under his orders I guarantee).

So I can't seeeeeee him, lalalala.

Facebook is a nightmare when it comes to BPDs... .

[lipstick]

Hi Escaped,

Good on you! You sound strong, indeed! Yes, FB can be a nightmare.

You knew that the next "relationship" would not be better, right?  Right? My ex was supposed to divorce his abusive, alcoholic spouse. Part of our deal. Didn't happen. He went running back to her when he lost his job and was fearing I was going to "abandon" him. This is a woman that has punched him in the face and broken his nose!  But back he went. Why? BPD, that's why. He had actually fallen in love with me and couldn't handle it. With her there is no fear of intimacy. They ceased sexual relations about thirteen years ago. She's quite a bit older than him and is BPD (or NPD) as well. Lovely, huh? They're basically drinking partners now. Better her than me!

Do I think he'll contact me again at some point? No. Do I think he checks up on me regularly? Yes. Do I think he loved me in his own way? Yes. Do I think he regrets what he lost / what he did to me? YES ! But I think his shame and cowardice gets in the way.

Not my problem.  Not anymore. Everyone warns me that he WILL try for a recycle or contact. I just don't think so. Too much time has passed now. And I'm wiser & (hopefully) stronger for the experience.  As are all of us !

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Well... .never say never - mine got in touch after a 17-year gap, and then again over 18 months til I replied and then believed he'd got himself straightened out since college days... .

so it might be a decade, but if he loves you, then sooner or later - imo - he will try again.

My therapist is pretty sure (obv can't be certain without speaking to my ex as a patient!) that my ex-bf has actually got an obsessive delusion about me. What appears to have happened is, back in his youth before he had developed anything major, I was the first woman he fell in love with - but we met only just before he left college and didn't stay in touch. Over the years he seems to ahve built me into this Myth of Woman, and then sadly by the time we got back in touch and I fell almost as much in love with him as he was with me, he had gone from dysthymia (a depressive condition) to almost certainly cyclothymia (a form of bipolar) - plus had developed the worst manipulation I ever saw, which is where the BPD comes in.

But yes, I am pretty certain mine will never forget me, and I am pretty certain he already has moments of regret.

And my therapist has already mentioned that he thinks the huge intensity of the emotions my ex felt for me were probably more than he could bear and part of the attraction of the New Victim is that she isn't me.

Although, given that he is most likely delusional about me, sooner or later the problem is going to be that she isn't me... .

He's just in such a mess. And is not safe for me to know. Plain and simple.

It nearly killed me - which is why I, my therapist, my Dad and four good, strong, women friends are all putting everything we have into this.

I intend within a week to stop talking about what went on with the relationship in here too - because it means I'm remembering, re-living, bringing it all to the forefront of my mind. So I shall move to posting about what works to help move us onwards, what stage people are at, etc... .move the focus to ME! Us lot in here! OUR recovery!

You sound both wise and strong, so I reckon you're right in your last paragraph

[lipstick]

Well... .never say never - mine got in touch after a 17-year gap, and then again over 18 months til I replied and then believed he'd got himself straightened out since college days... .

so it might be a decade, but if he loves you, then sooner or later - imo - he will try again.

My therapist is pretty sure (obv can't be certain without speaking to my ex as a patient!) that my ex-bf has actually got an obsessive delusion about me. What appears to have happened is, back in his youth before he had developed anything major, I was the first woman he fell in love with - but we met only just before he left college and didn't stay in touch. Over the years he seems to ahve built me into this Myth of Woman, and then sadly by the time we got back in touch and I fell almost as much in love with him as he was with me, he had gone from dysthymia (a depressive condition) to almost certainly cyclothymia (a form of bipolar) - plus had developed the worst manipulation I ever saw, which is where the BPD comes in.

But yes, I am pretty certain mine will never forget me, and I am pretty certain he already has moments of regret.

And my therapist has already mentioned that he thinks the huge intensity of the emotions my ex felt for me were probably more than he could bear and part of the attraction of the New Victim is that she isn't me.

Although, given that he is most likely delusional about me, sooner or later the problem is going to be that she isn't me... .

He's just in such a mess. And is not safe for me to know. Plain and simple.

It nearly killed me - which is why I, my therapist, my Dad and four good, strong, women friends are all putting everything we have into this.

I intend within a week to stop talking about what went on with the relationship in here too - because it means I'm remembering, re-living, bringing it all to the forefront of my mind. So I shall move to posting about what works to help move us onwards, what stage people are at, etc... .move the focus to ME! Us lot in here! OUR recovery!

You sound both wise and strong, so I reckon you're right in your last paragraph

Wow!  Just... .wow!  How heartbreaking for the two of you. My ex and I were high-school sweethearts. I met him when I was fifteen and he was seventeen. Reunited on FB some twenty seven years later. I was his "greatest sexual fixation of his life". LOL !  He was quite obsessed with me back then. Would disappear but always come back wanting / chasing me again. I played hard to get, LOL !  Plus, unbeknownst to me, BPD with him!

I can't imagine how much this has hurt you. I understand you wanting to take everything "offline" in order to heal. And I think it's a terrific idea. I'm also happy to hear you have such a great support system! So many on here don't have that. Me included.

Perhaps mine will contact me in the future. Who can say? All the mental professionals I've spoken to have said it will happen. He has to own his actions. I won't ever allow myself to be hurt like that again. No one deserves pain like that from someone who says they love you.  KWIM? 

[eyvindr]

Hi lipstick --

When my ex and I started seeing each other, she claimed not to be on FB at all. I found that interesting, in this day and age, but it didn't phase me. For whatever reason, some people are more comfortable with social media than others. I'm one of them, I guess, just naturally, though more and more of my work involves reliance on social media marketing channels as a way to reach and engage audiences, so I kind of need to keep up with it. But, I have found it tremendously useful for keeping in touch with old friends and colleagues who are no longer geographically close, as well as family members -- it truly has become the church bulletin and local pub of the digital age.

Anyway -- during the first chapter of our r-ship, FB really played no role at all, as far as I can remember. But after my ex and I got back together about a year ago (chapter 2), she decided it was time for her to get on FB... .and it was almost immediately disastrous -- b/c, of course, she didn't want to get on FB b/c she wanted to, but b/c she wanted to monitor what I was doing. I was no less than stunned by how clueless she was about the medium, about functionality, about everything, really -- it wasn't just a learning curve thing -- she never got any better.

Example: If any female friend, acquaintance, online contact -- even a professional colleague -- posted or responded to anything on my page, my ex said it was "obviously" flirting, and it was "disrespectful" to her, and my failure to correct it was "hurtful" to her, etc. And we're talking about things like, "Nice catching up with you after the meeting" -- not, "Hey there... .thinking about old times... .~sigh~... .we should get a drink, or two... ."

Quite clearly, there's a difference there. And GOD FORBID a female ever used the "  " emoticon in response to anything on my page! To my ex, that was virtually a Public Announcement of Hanky Panky!

Some of her FB rules/expectations included:

• I was expected to "like" everything she posted, regardless of whether or not I was even interested in it. If I didn't, she told me that it made her feel like she was stupid if she posted something and got not "likes." Not too narcy of her... .I explained how FB worked, she insisted, I just told her I wasn't going to do that, and didn't.



• She literally monitored how many posts and "likes" I made to other people's pages vs to hers. She should, she argued, get "the most" because she was my partner. Seriously.



• Another HUGE offense was if she "caught" me "liking" anything on FB but not txtng or msgng her. She cited this as evidence of how low a priority she was to me, and deemed it, every time, as a personal slight equivalent to a slap in the face. Whenever it happened, I would receive, without fail, a text or email to this effect: "Well, I can tell you're too busy today with your FB friends to have much time for me, so I will find someone else to interact with... ."   

Not ashamed to say, that sh!t drove me nuts, and I didn't take kindly to it. My ex went as far as to demand that I unfriend certain people -- some of whom were only "friends" in that quirky I-have-no-freaking-idea-who-you-are-and-in-RT-we-prolly-wouldn't-even-be-able-to-talk-to-each-other-but-this-is-FB-so-hi way. On two other occasions, she actually *messaged* people to let them know who she was, what the status of our r-ship was, and why their behavior was inappropriate and unacceptable! I mean, talk about boundary issues!

Anyway - what I hoped for - I didn't get... .sort of.  He must keep tabs on me thru FB. We are not "friends", but I never blocked him and vice-versa. I've noticed that when I post certain things they must "trigger" him in some way. He never posts on FB anymore since he left me. This was not the case prior to our becoming involved with each other. He was quite active. Now I've noticed that if I "trigger" him (not intentional on my part) - he'll act out by tossing up all kinds of "shares" - total nonsense that he doesn't even comment on. Weird. And yes - he "acted out" on my birthday. And yes - I am guilty of checking out his FB page more often that I care to admit. I'm just curious if others feel like they are "watched" on FB by their exes"?

And if the nonsense FB shares are a way for him to self-soothe?

My ex argued that, even if I truly believed what I was telling her (essentially that it's FB, chill out, if you don't like/get/understand it, don't use it -- what the heck reason do I have to lie about this?) and even though she trusted me when I told her that there's nothing "untowards" going on, that out of respect for her and her feelings, I should just agree with her and do what she asked me to do. I told her that it was absurd that she would even think that she could control/censor or otherwise dictate how I or anyone else (with the exception of her daughter) used social media -- particularly given that she had less than half a year's experience with the medium, not to mention that we're both educated adults, not teenagers, and she's not my mom. You get the picture -- the whole Ex On FB thing was a complete and utter fiasco.

To your question, though -- with my ex, her FB behavior, while a clear window into her emotional state, was more indicative of dysregulation than self-soothing, I think. For example, I've been on FB for over 5 yrs -- so I probably have 500 "friends" -- many of whom I've actually met, some of whom are actually RT friends who I know and have friendships with, and many of whom are just online contacts, from work or discussion groups we jointly participate in. One of the ex's repeated accusations was that I was always adding "skanky" young women to my page (I didn't), which was inappropriate for a 51-yr-old man of my status and position blah blah blah. (She never had any issues with me adding men that she didn't know to my page.) There are a good number of people younger than me in my friends list -- women and men (the men always seemed to be invisible to her... .). Given my industry (higher ed) and interests (politics, fitness, cooking) -- I'm pretty much going to have a wide range of ages represented. She would at times grill me about someone who posted on my page -- I'd get a txt along the lines of "who's so and so? you seem pretty friendly... .how come you've never mentioned her before?" -- this was another common thread, that, while I'd lived for 49 years before meeting my ex, she should somehow be briefed on every other person I know, given her status as my partner.

Anyway -- when my ex would get mad at me about something, FB or otherwise -- her newsfeed would suddenly go from 0 to 60. Tons of memes about the long-suffering good-hearted woman who's man done done her wrong (you've seen them -- "Single doesn't always mean lonely and in a relationship doesn't always mean happy" in scripty font against a watery pink background, perhaps balanced with a lone single rose... .), racy pics of guys and women (like stripper-type weirdness), sappy quotes -- one after another after another after another. And her friends list would suddenly include a bunch of smarmy looking guys, often from overseas, who I KNEW she didn't know at all. So, basically, if she was self-soothing, her version was to try to make me "jealous." On FB.

Which is ridiculous. Affected me only in that it clued me into her mental state, and made her look ridiculous.

[allweareisallweare]

Bizarrely, we met through FB, her and I. I opened a message one day and that was it, the white-knuckle ride began. 

I know I'm split black now by her since we had this big firefight - I pulled her about unblocking me which she had done at one point - plus my brother was silent called from her country - because I know she garnered I was meeting someone else - which I was - but she definitely knows anyway because I ranted at her and told her so. I was split black because I was given a virtual mouthful of abuse... .whereas prior, before the trail went cold, she claimed I was unblocked because 'I was being alright before'

But the ball's in my court now because I blocked her. It will never be revoked. I have no desire to look at what lie she is living - I know she's idiotic enough to think that FB is a true reflection of happiness because she put her profile as her and the new supply - not realising that A) I would never want to be in her shoes, B) all our mutual friends (those who matter, literally mutual friends in real life) MUST think she has something wrong with her for rebounding after ten days, never mind those who know stone-cold about the BPD - I could never stay on the same virtual platform as that person, we're ideologically opposites. I have no desire to speak to the person in any form hence the NC which began properly five weeks ago. TBH I can't understand that people could not unblock these people - ATEOD unless you want to be in an uncomfortable game of snooping on the person/being snooped on it's best to just add them to the blacklist.

What I am struggling most with in the aftermath is life being a landslide in general - you know how it is - rather than being tethered to this idea that one day I'll be recycled/re-engaged - I don't love her categorically, it died very quickly.  I did my best for the person and I believe that my best was as good as anyone's shot.

[houseofswans]

I was actually hoping for some sort of acknowledgement of my birthday this past Friday from my exBPDbf.

It was my 60th one week ago today, guess what?

No card, no email, nix, nada... .

[lipstick]

Hi eyvindr,

Please forgive me - and I am not trying to make light of what you went through - but some of what you posted actually made me laugh out loud !  I mean, really - how old is this woman? I know, BPD, right? I get it. But when you read about her actions in a detached way... .funny!

My ex was already on FB when I joined. He was actually quite shy when it came to interacting with me. Would actually ask if he was bugging me and if so - to just tell him to "go away".  I'm thinking - isn't that the point of FB? To interact and have fun? I would reassure him that he was always welcome to join in and he most certainly was not "bugging me".  

He used to be quite active - postings about his talented oldest son, family outings, personal accomplishments (talented chef). Now? Nothing unless I "trigger" him with something I post. Then it's nonsense - like he just finds the first thing he can and "shares" it. Like he's just desperate for something, anything, to post! Some have been duplicates of things he's already "shared". Total weirdness.

I have a feeling that his life isn't so rosy these days. Too bad. Didn't have to be this way. At his age (50) - he is well aware that something is wrong with him. Yet he chooses to do nothing about it except continue the behavior that hurts those who care about him.

[lipstick]

Houseofswans,

Well, Happy Belated Birthday from me to you!  I'm sorry you were ignored. How long have you been apart, if you don't mind my asking?

Mine didn't contact me - but he checked out my FB page. Which I think he does on a regular basis.

The coward.

[Waifed]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

[eyvindr]

lipstick --

Not at all! I completely agree -- almost as soon as we're able to step out of the F.O.G. and away from the crazy-making, and look at some of our poor pwBPD's behaviors, a lot of them are darned comical!

Hi eyvindr,

Please forgive me - and I am not trying to make light of what you went through - but some of what you posted actually made me laugh out loud !  I mean, really - how old is this woman? I know, BPD, right? I get it. But when you read about her actions in a detached way... .funny!

Yeah -- meant to include that, but forgot. She'll be 43 in a few weeks.

Not 13.

ps -- Happy Belated Birthday!

[lipstick]

Waifed,

Thank you! It was a very nice b'day weekend!  Much better than last year, to be sure ! 

[houseofswans]

Hi lipstick and Waifed

Thanks for the belated birthday greetings.

We were 'together' 4 years and 5 weeks apart

[lipstick]

Houseofswans,

Five weeks apart isn't long at all in the World of BPD. Took mine six months before his first "acting out" episode on FB. Total Radio Silence up until then. Then... .let's see... .the next was in July. A silly cat reference on his FB page (I'm a huge cat-lover) that was definitely meant for me. I don't know what he expected me to do?  I did nothing.  The next was in August. Then September. Now another on my birthday.

Hmmmmm... .he seems to be picking up some steam here. Wonder what's going thru that disordered brain?   

I'm sorry your b'day was not acknowledged by your ex. They're so selfish. But then again - they can't help it, right? 

[eyvindr]

lipstick --

Hope you can stop wondering, though I know it's often pretty unconscious on our parts. They are, after all fascinating.

But, whatever it is -- as we say on FB, "Ain't nobody got time for all that!" 

[lipstick]

Eyvindr,

I'm working on it !     I'm much better than I was just a couple of months ago. I admit I was very jealous of all the members posting about how they were recycled / received contact. I thought for sure my ex would eventually reach out. But I'm come to accept it's not going to happen. And that's probably a good thing.

For him - it may be enough to check up on me via FB. At least he can see he didn't destroy me. I'm still here! And I have a new life that I created for myself. He just went back to the same old dreary crap he was in before. His choice.

[Waifed]

Lipstick,

I think you need to lose the FB website!  It will expedite your recovery (if that is truly what you want).  I know it is hard.  Like I said on a recent post "I am 100% sure I am leaving 99% of the time"!  The bad days definitely stink...   I am in the midst of a minor brain cramp today.

[lipstick]

Waifed,

I don't disagree with what you're saying. However, a small part of me wants to rub it in his face that my life has improved and his is on the decline. I know that's the wrong way to think - but it's where I am right now.

I'm sure eventually I will lose interest in his activities. It's already happening in some ways.

It's just that... .well... .we are given no closure with these people. So for me, I have to find my own validation that I mattered to my ex. So if I take comfort in his "acting out" over my FB junk - it just is what it is right now. 

[houseofswans]

(I'm a huge cat-lover)

Me too 

I'm sorry your b'day was not acknowledged by your ex. They're so selfish. But then again - they can't help it, right? 

It was expected, I never received a card on any of my birthdays whilst we were together 

[lipstick]

Houseofswans,

Okay, that makes me mad. You never, ever received a b'day card from your ex? Jackass.

[eyvindr]

During an argument once, I raised the point that I always acknowledged and observed special dates -- anniversaries, holidays, b-days -- even stupid fake holidays like V-Day and Sweetest Day (which, I learned, isn't even a nationwide holiday here in the US!) -- and, while she did buy gifts, she never gave me a card. She seemed truly stunned to hear this -- actually said she thought guys didn't care about cards. Rilly?

Well, we did have an ongoing joke that I was really the "chick" in our r-ship.

After that, she did start to buy cards. What was interesting to me was that, despite how much she talked and txtd and emailed -- she used a LOT of words -- she rarely wrote anything in her cards to be aside from her name, and sometimes she'd just sign them with hearts, a la "<3 <3 <3." Kinda weird for a grown woman, no?

[wrigley52]

I was with my ex for almost 4 years and apart 9 weeks with no contact... .he had the replacement in place and I found a secret cell phone to his new girlfriend and kicked him out. I don't think I will hear from him again. We went to  high school together and reconnected on FB and guess what that is where he got my replacement... .he lied to both of us. I tried to tell her the truth but she didn't believe me... .oh well someday she will know.

1 week after the break up he was putting on FB that he was in a relationship with her I was blocked but boy did my phone ring... .he even called that day about some money business. Now he has stuff on there that he never cared about like Disney world and Christian music and he puts he is with the love of his life... .I haven't looked but a friend told me how creepy and slimy it is... .that is BPD... .LOL

I know I am better off... .I was blocked for awhile but then stuff started to pop up on my feed from mutual friends but now I am blocked again and I am kind of happy about it... .I am at the point I don't want to know... time to move on... .

Happy Birthday... .

Wrigley

[Waifed]

Waifed,

I don't disagree with what you're saying. However, a small part of me wants to rub it in his face that my life has improved and his is on the decline. I know that's the wrong way to think - but it's where I am right now.

I'm sure eventually I will lose interest in his activities. It's already happening in some ways.

It's just that... .well... .we are given no closure with these people. So for me, I have to find my own validation that I mattered to my ex. So if I take comfort in his "acting out" over my FB junk - it just is what it is right now. 

I understand 

[Escaped 30.Sept.2013]

Wow!  Just... .wow!  How heartbreaking for the two of you.

Yep... .

And he sent an email last night, so that didn't take long.

A long attempt to upset me, but it was all vague and generic along the lines of: you know what? You're not even attractive! You never were! I didn't even find you attractive at college!

The best specific that he could come up with was, and this is verbatim, "Actually, you smell."

What was that about BPDs being a 4-year-old child emotionally... .?


Facebook - I actually went back and back, when it got really surreal in May when he started gaslighting me, and it fits with the idea that his dysthymia only switched across to cyclothymia this year, because there's no sign of him having done this before.

What he's done since January, is he gets a new FB-friend, typically a friend-of-a-friend, female, his age or younger. He then does what I called "singles her out" - he 'likes' 100% of her comments, he tags her in statuses, he posts video clips for her, he posts pics for her, he mentions her constantly, he mentioned the two of them together a lot (haha, great joke Jim - one for me and Jane, right, Jane!)... .this is while in a relationship with me which is completely never mentioned on FB. No pics of us, no tagging of me, most of my comments ignored, no relationship status whatsoever listed.

In the early months, he liked some of my comments, replied to some of them, used my name occasionally - just like he did every one. No problem, I don't wave my private life around on my FB either.

but then in January, he started "singling out" this woman. And on Feb 1st severed contact with me. There was some kind of trip he made to her city in late April and she deleted her FB account with no explanation and never came back, so I do wonder what happened there.

then we got back together, having emailed through Feb/ March/April. May, we met up again. Then late May a new FB-friend in another country and he "singled her out" to an even greater extent, whilst reassuring me she was just 'dumb' and "people think my FB stuff is funny so I'm always gonna have a kind of following, I guess".

And in June, off he went to her country for a weekend with her.

Spent July and August convincing me black was white and night was day, denying he'd said whatever he'd said previously, I'd misunderstood, I'd got it wrong, gaslight, gaslight, gaslight... .all the time telling me

And the night I sent my last-ever email to him telling him to get some help because he's sick and destructive, he changes his status to "in a relationship" - hmm, aimed at me perchance, dear ex-bf?

He really is dangerous. And FB totally enabled him.