Went back in against my instincts

[Depression = 72% of members]

I ignored my instincts that told me that the new gf was BPD and kept giving her chances despite all of the shadiness.

We were eating dinner and some old guy came up and was acting super weird and paid for our dinner. I recognized his name as the name that kept popping up on her phone. She had claimed the one on her phone was her brother. I knew something was very very wrong here. Sure enough she stuck to her story, almost very convincingly, but i had seen this before. I eventually convinced her that she had to show me the text messages if there was any chance of me staying with her. Turns out i was spot on. She was screwing this guy and getting him to buy her stuff for her apartment and leading him on too. After i saw all that she kept clinging to the story that she wasn't messing around with him! It's like you're caught, just cut out the bull___ already! LOL

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for these girls to lie and justify everything in their heads. If you tell lie after lie, it catches up to you really fast if other people are paying attention.

I'm glad i stuck with her long enough to learn the truth. I just feel so relieved that my instincts were right and I'm not just crazy because of my last r/s with BPD. I have been very fortunate to get this closure from both BPD r/s, as I see that alot of you do not get this.

[drxap]

I ignored my instincts that told me that the new gf was BPD and kept giving her chances despite all of the shadiness.

We were eating dinner and some old guy came up and was acting super weird and paid for our dinner. I recognized his name as the name that kept popping up on her phone. She had claimed the one on her phone was her brother. I knew something was very very wrong here. Sure enough she stuck to her story, almost very convincingly, but i had seen this before. I eventually convinced her that she had to show me the text messages if there was any chance of me staying with her. Turns out i was spot on. She was screwing this guy and getting him to buy her stuff for her apartment and leading him on too. After i saw all that she kept clinging to the story that she wasn't messing around with him! It's like you're caught, just cut out the bull___ already! LOL

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for these girls to lie and justify everything in their heads. If you tell lie after lie, it catches up to you really fast if other people are paying attention.

I'm glad i stuck with her long enough to learn the truth. I just feel so relieved that my instincts were right and I'm not just crazy because of my last r/s with BPD. I have been very fortunate to get this closure from both BPD r/s, as I see that alot of you do not get this.

[fromheeltoheal]

And of course lying and cheating doesn't necessarily indicate a personality disorder, plenty of humans lie and cheat, but to make it worth your time, what did you learn about yourself through these relationships drx?

[AwakenedOne]

Congrats on finding out the unfortunate truth drxap. That old guy is such a scumbag to do that. Especially the buying dinner part.

[drxap]

Fromheeltotoe,

There's plenty of other information that very strongly indicates BPD. However my purpose for posting wasn't to defend my knowledge of BPD, so I'm going to skip trying to prove it to you.

I did learn that I still struggle to connect with healthy people. I am just not willing to do what i need to do to get better, which is confront my emotions about my parents.

Awakenedone,

I don't think he knew about me either. He thought that she and him were exclusive too. Him acting really weird and buying or dinner did tip me of that something wasn't right, so I'm pretty thankful. Unfortunately for him, she's going to spin the whole encounter when she talks to him next and keep him. He is over fifty and she is 21 though... So yeah i guess he is a dirtbag.

[fromheeltoheal]

I did learn that I still struggle to connect with healthy people. I am just not willing to do what i need to do to get better, which is confront my emotions about my parents.

Nice!  I've been faced with the same issue, and at least we know what that issue is.  And maybe that's the gift of a borderline, to bring to the surface any unresolved issues we have, so we can at least choose to address them or not.

[Pretty Woman]

You sound very aware and actually healthy. I struggle too with unhealthy people. I will say being in a dysfunctional union did help me in spotting potential issues in other relationships. I can see you are picking up on that too. It's almost like we have super powers after dating BPD's... .we spot b-shyt a mile away!

Clearly you are no longer with this woman. How are you processing this? Are you mad? Indifferent? Has she tried to contact you?

I am asking out of sheer curiosity to be honest. You sound like you are making the right decisions and I hope to get where you are in my own healing and journey.

PW

[myself]

Your instincts may well have been that you wanted/needed to make sure. Not only that she acts in disordered ways, but that you weren't going to doubt/give up on someone without really knowing what was going on. Now that you do, where do you go from here? Focusing on your own issues (are you seeing a T?) is a great place to move forward from.

[drxap]

You sound very aware and actually healthy. I struggle too with unhealthy people. I will say being in a dysfunctional union did help me in spotting potential issues in other relationships. I can see you are picking up on that too. It's almost like we have super powers after dating BPD's... .we spot b-shyt a mile away!

Clearly you are no longer with this woman. How are you processing this? Are you mad? Indifferent? Has she tried to contact you?

I am asking out of sheer curiosity to be honest. You sound like you are making the right decisions and I hope to get where you are in my own healing and journey.

PW

There are definitely blessings from going through great hardship! I wouldn't take any of it back, in retrospect. I think i would still be crushed without this forum though!

I guess I'm a little disappointed in myself that the first girl i connected with  after BPD #1 was also BPD! I'm shocked and appalled by BPD #2's ability to look so sweet and innocent through it all.

She has contacted me to tell me she misses me and loves me. I responded with "please don't send me these kinds of messages anymore. You don't love me, you just like the way i made you feel and there's a big difference. If you loved me you wouldn't cheat and lie to me and let me think that i was crazy for doubting you". She admitted it was all her own doing (when they do this it is just a last resort effort to try to draw you back in. they don't actually care about your feelings, just what you can do for them if they pretend they care!) This r/s really did not hurt as much as the last one, that's for sure.

[fromheeltoheal]

when they do this it is just a last resort effort to try to draw you back in. they don't actually care about your feelings, just what you can do for them if they pretend they care!

At this point in the relationship trust is gone; you don't trust her, she doesn't trust you.  And specifically, she doesn't trust that you won't leave, abandon her, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline.  It's not that she doesn't care about your feelings, it's that she cares too much, fear of abandonment and a desire to pull you back to deal with that fear, along with shame at her infidelity, which she did partly to deal with the fear of abandonment, partly because she's impulsive, and on and on... .

There's so much going on for her emotionally it's all she can deal with, there's no room for you, and you're the trigger instead of the soother now anyway.

Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

[drxap]

Your instincts may well have been that you wanted/needed to make sure. Not only that she acts in disordered ways, but that you weren't going to doubt/give up on someone without really knowing what was going on. Now that you do, where do you go from here? Focusing on your own issues (are you seeing a T?) is a great place to move forward from.

It just seems logical not to doubt or give up on people you care about without proof. That gets used against me a lot though. I do have a lot of internal stuff to work on... I am not seeing a T because of all my bad experiences with them (couple counseling with BPD & the T who encouraged me to get back together with BPD #1). The one helpful T wanted me to go down the rabbit hole of dealing with my issues with my parents. Yeah this is probably what i need to do, but i don't want to!

[drxap]

when they do this it is just a last resort effort to try to draw you back in. they don't actually care about your feelings, just what you can do for them if they pretend they care!

At this point in the relationship trust is gone; you don't trust her, she doesn't trust you.  And specifically, she doesn't trust that you won't leave, abandon her, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline.  It's not that she doesn't care about your feelings, it's that she cares too much, fear of abandonment and a desire to pull you back to deal with that fear, along with shame at her infidelity, which she did partly to deal with the fear of abandonment, partly because she's impulsive, and on and on... .

There's so much going on for her emotionally it's all she can deal with, there's no room for you, and you're the trigger instead of the soother now anyway.

Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

Hm I'd still say "she doesn't care about your feelings" is way more accurate and simple way to describe it. I just don't buy into the "its not that she doesn't care, it's that she cares too much" camp.

This is something I'm pretty passionate about because it romanticizes BPD and is damaging for victims to hear. It tells us that they are good people we just can't handle how much they care about us.

This is complete bull because they don't really care about us. Yeah their Iives are ruled by fear of abandonment and hurtful impulsive behaviors, but at the end of the day all they care about is themselves and what they can get from other people. When someone cares about you, they CONSIDER how their actions might make you feel. I don't care if they are afraid of abandonment, if they do bad things to us caring people, it does make them bad people. Their lives are probably very difficult and miserable, but that's not an excuse to hurt people.

Example BPD man rages and hits his SO. Are you really going to tell me that he got her because he "cares too much" about her? That doesn't even make sense! He clearly cares way more about his own fears than his partners well being.

Sorry if i got carried away but "cares too much" is a viewpoint that i believe is super inappropriate for everyone involved.

[fromheeltoheal]

when they do this it is just a last resort effort to try to draw you back in. they don't actually care about your feelings, just what you can do for them if they pretend they care!

At this point in the relationship trust is gone; you don't trust her, she doesn't trust you.  And specifically, she doesn't trust that you won't leave, abandon her, the worst thing that could ever happen to a borderline.  It's not that she doesn't care about your feelings, it's that she cares too much, fear of abandonment and a desire to pull you back to deal with that fear, along with shame at her infidelity, which she did partly to deal with the fear of abandonment, partly because she's impulsive, and on and on... .

There's so much going on for her emotionally it's all she can deal with, there's no room for you, and you're the trigger instead of the soother now anyway.

Standard borderline there, apply as needed.

Hm I'd still say "she doesn't care about your feelings" is way more accurate and simple way to describe it. I just don't buy into the "its not that she doesn't care, it's that she cares too much" camp.

This is something I'm pretty passionate about because it romanticizes BPD and is damaging for victims to hear. It tells us that they are good people we just can't handle how much they care about us.

This is complete bull because they don't really care about us. Yeah their Iives are ruled by fear of abandonment and hurtful impulsive behaviors, but at the end of the day all they care about is themselves and what they can get from other people. When someone cares about you, they CONSIDER how their actions might make you feel. I don't care if they are afraid of abandonment, if they do bad things to us caring people, it does make them bad people. Their lives are probably very difficult and miserable, but that's not an excuse to hurt people.

Example BPD man rages and hits his SO. Are you really going to tell me that he got her because he "cares too much" about her? That doesn't even make sense! He clearly cares way more about his own fears than his partners well being.

Sorry if i got carried away but "cares too much" is a viewpoint that i believe is super inappropriate for everyone involved.

Point taken, 'cares too much' isn't as accurate as she has emotions that are too strong for her to deal with, so she's developed tools to deal with them that are hurtful to people; that doesn't make it OK, but it does allow us to understand it.  Also, does she not care about you because she's a bad person or is it because she's incapable of connecting with how other people feel in general, emotionally underdeveloped, along with being in so much pain that she can only focus on herself?

[Nextinline]

 

Hm I'd still say "she doesn't care about your feelings" is way more accurate and simple way to describe it. I just don't buy into the "its not that she doesn't care, it's that she cares too much" camp.

This is something I'm pretty passionate about because it romanticizes BPD and is damaging for victims to hear. It tells us that they are good people we just can't handle how much they care about us.

This is complete bull because they don't really care about us. Yeah their Iives are ruled by fear of abandonment and hurtful impulsive behaviors, but at the end of the day all they care about is themselves and what they can get from other people. When someone cares about you, they CONSIDER how their actions might make you feel. I don't care if they are afraid of abandonment, if they do bad things to us caring people, it does make them bad people. Their lives are probably very difficult and miserable, but that's not an excuse to hurt people.

Sorry if i got carried away but "cares too much" is a viewpoint that i believe is super inappropriate for everyone involved.[/quote]
From my own experience in terms of going through pretty much the same thing, this is the most apt and meaningful comment I have seen with respect to having someone explain the behaviours of a BPD ex partner.

I am very much of the belief that they have no remorse and do not care in the slightest about the damage they cause to other people. When you are painted black, there is nothing they will not do to cause you pain.

So I am very much in the same camp. I no longer give her the benefit of the doubt as far as her BPD. I just deal with her as being malicious, hurtful, narcissistic, without compassion or remorse and bordering on just being evil.

The guy that my ex has just announced her engagement to had no idea that I was back with her and only a month ago was engaged to her. She kept those 2 parts of her life compartmentalised and made sure that there was no crossover. Me, of course knew everything about what was happening with him and what they used to do together.

Sorry but in my experience, they can be vile, hurtful and vengeful creatures who have no consideration for anyone other than themselves and their insatiable desire to satisfy their own needs.

So I am definitely with you on this.

[Herodias]

"So I am very much in the same camp. I no longer give her the benefit of the doubt as far as her BPD. I just deal with her as being malicious, hurtful, narcissistic, without compassion or remorse and bordering on just being evil."

I totally agree. The more I read on the subject and the incredible u-tube videos on the subject, I see Narcissism as a big part of the disorder. It seems these "Cluster B" types  blend together all to well that the therapists can't even choose one to call a person. I see my stbx as manipulating (he explained himself to me very clearly after we separated) and without empathy. They know what they are doing... .mine would tell me in the moment that he was drunk and stupid and that is why he slept with someone else, but really he reminded me later that he wasn't drunk at work when he was flirting with the women! He knows what he is doing! I refuse to feel sorry for him! He makes his own choices and feeling sorry is what kept me in it too long! When it comes to co-dependancy... .I think the fact that you know that you have issues with your parents is a help. Honestly, I am not sure how to fix it except to forgive and realize that our own fear of abandonment is what caused our souls to choose these people to love. Somehow we need to love ourselves and feel whole with out another person... .they cannot do that. If we can master feeling good alone, then we will be able to have self esteem and not choose these people anymore.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I ignored my instincts that told me that the new gf was BPD and kept giving her chances despite all of the shadiness.

We were eating dinner and some old guy came up and was acting super weird and paid for our dinner. I recognized his name as the name that kept popping up on her phone. She had claimed the one on her phone was her brother. I knew something was very very wrong here. Sure enough she stuck to her story, almost very convincingly, but i had seen this before. I eventually convinced her that she had to show me the text messages if there was any chance of me staying with her. Turns out i was spot on. She was screwing this guy and getting him to buy her stuff for her apartment and leading him on too. After i saw all that she kept clinging to the story that she wasn't messing around with him! It's like you're caught, just cut out the bull already! LOL

It never ceases to amaze me how easy it is for these girls to lie and justify everything in their heads. If you tell lie after lie, it catches up to you really fast if other people are paying attention.

I'm glad i stuck with her long enough to learn the truth. I just feel so relieved that my instincts were right and I'm not just crazy because of my last r/s with BPD. I have been very fortunate to get this closure from both BPD r/s, as I see that alot of you do not get this.

If there is anything I've learned from this experience it is ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS TRUST MY GUT.  I will never ever turn my back on her again.  Never.  Everytime something didn't feel right my gut was spot on.  I am sorry you had to experience that.  There are bits and pieces of these relationships that definitely leave us questioning our own sanity.

I bolded this line b/c it isn't just women whom are stricken with BPD. 

[Logic]

I get that impression too drx it seems some ppl ( a lot actually) haven't gotten full peace or closure from there r/s with BPDex... .I'm truly blessed to not feel much hurt about it anymore... .just intrigue and a little annoyance that it even (she) crosses my mind anymore... I wish blessings on those who's minds this mess still has a hold on... .Another thing u said that trullllyyyy AMAZES me!... .how can they keep lying after caught flat out?... .in fact, if it wasn't for this one particular trait I would not have started researching pathological liars, never would have stumbled onto BPD, never would have presented my findings to my ex, and never would have left her a$$ ... .good read... thanks... .God bless you ALL still going thru it on the deepest levels.