Well, that's it.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After giving her space for 2 weeks to cool off, and then sending her a message, and trying to get in touch for another week, I finally got her on the phone. She finally answered. 7 days of trying, not as long as many.

Right before the 3 (total weeks), of course she told me how much she loved me. Wrote me really nice messages via email. I dont even remember what it was that set her off- as it so goes so many times. By the time you get to "resolution" you forgot what the original problem was anyways.

Long story short. She's been telling me she loves me - we're over - I hate you - I love you - I hate you, a cycle that I have been trying to break her free from for I think close to 18 months.

I kind of felt, I do feel, I know, this was the last try. It's just been going on too long, and I received a bid on my condo. Before accepting; which means moving- far away, I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to apologize, first and foremost, for things I said out of anger and frustration leading up to the 3 week break. I truly do regret what I said- I was just so at my wits end by that point.

She has no memory of anything being said. She claims she doesn't remember at all what I am even talking about; so she doesn't understand why I am "harrassing" her; trying to apologize.

My second reason for wanting to talk to her; was we had a 5 year relationship. The last words she said before I left her have her space; she said "Fu**ing Shut Up!" - and the call ended. I disconnected at that point, because the things she was saying were so painful to hear. They weren't in any way introspective (as in when you do this it makes me feel this way); it was, you are a (pick any horrible word), pointing out and magnifying all of my flaws; saying I am dangerous (I've never been in a fight in my life). Comparing me to ex's. It was just to much to hear. After minutes of this, I said can I please speak and that's when she told me to shut up- and I just couldn't take it. I was crying so hard at that point.

So my reason; I just wanted- if it was the end- to at least have our last conversation not be so mean, so hostile, our last words after half a decade (or at least her last words to me) to be filled with such vitriol. I didn't want it to end "like that".

--- So she finally answers today, and is pretty much casual and aloof.

What do you want?  (As if I hadnt specified in text 100 times why I wanted to talk).

Long story short, she went on tirade on how I am pure horror. She brings up her ex's (she loved doing that throughout our relationship), and how I am just like them but worse.

She tells me she has sent the emails I have sent to her, to all of her friends. They have all weighed in... .I am a monster, crazy. Insane.  (I am sure she was very selective in what she showed them, because if she had indeed show'd them all my emails, and hers; it would be such a different story).

In closing, I wanted to apologize, which she inadvertently didn't accept because she had no memory of me saying the things I said which I regret. No memory at all.

She doesn't remember (she claims) really anything from our relationship, at all, that was good. She claims she doesn't even think there ever was a relationship- there were no good times.

I told her I'd leave her alone, I would respect her wishes, I truly was sorry, that I did love her, regardless of how she felt, and I said I wished her the best, and said goodbye.

She just hung up.

It's the strangest thing. She just wont say goodbye. There cannot be any sort of even a compassionate ending. I am heartbroken, and I feel I have been truly treated unfairly.

I also recognize that you can't blame someone for how they feel, deep inside. Feelings are beyond our control (we can control how we react on them but not the feeling itself).

I just am so sad she couldn't just say good bye. Or one kind word. The last thing she said when I told her I'd except the bid (I just wanted to see if reconciling was even possible, to include her, let her think on it); was she said:

"Good get out of here, this is my city, my territory, get out of my life".

That's when I said ok, wished her well, said sorry, goodbye. And then her click.

So I am now done with this chapter in my life. I can't take the heartache any more. Its just too much. I spent an hour, blocked all her numbers, accounts, every possible aspect in terms of her contacting me.

I'll be moving in less than a month. And I (I know this sounds going far), but I'm signing up for an email filtering (human) service who will scan emails to make sure nothing comes through if she uses a new account or account I don't know about.  My phone number will be changed.

I know the only way I will ever break away from this is absolute closure from any future contact. No contact is not good enough. Because No Contact to me seems to say I may change down the road.

I am going Never Contact.

She mentioned on the call that after I work through my issues (my issues I know), maybe in a year we can get back together. It's like she just want's to keep me as a side option, hoping, wanting her.

After this, I don't want her. I can't ever trust her to be there for me. To be reasonable, to be loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, the kind of person I deserve and want to be with.

Never Contact. Will she care? Probably not. It sounds like (or she makes it sound) like she is so much happier without me in her life, she's been having such a good time with all her friends, and she's made me out to be a villain in all their eyes - there is no fixing that. I've been painted black.

I'm done.

To all of you here, I am going to take a break from the forum for a bit. You all have been so great offering advice, and I've found this forum so helpful with what I'm going through. But I want to just take a breather from even thinking about the term "BPD". A term I'd never even heard of until my therapist said it sounds like she is.

As crazy as this sounds, I have a date in an hour. My first date since our pseudo break up 5 months ago. At least this time around I didn't really cry. And I don't really know if sadness is what I feel. At least not to the depth I've felt before. Perhaps I'm numb to it by now.

But I'm going to go out, meet this new girl. And do my best to be a reflection of my old self, the guy everyone loved. The guy I was, before her.

Thanks again to you all, until next time.

Best,

OC

[GoingBack2OC]

After giving her space for 2 weeks to cool off, and then sending her a message, and trying to get in touch for another week, I finally got her on the phone. She finally answered. 7 days of trying, not as long as many.

Right before the 3 (total weeks), of course she told me how much she loved me. Wrote me really nice messages via email. I dont even remember what it was that set her off- as it so goes so many times. By the time you get to "resolution" you forgot what the original problem was anyways.

Long story short. She's been telling me she loves me - we're over - I hate you - I love you - I hate you, a cycle that I have been trying to break her free from for I think close to 18 months.

I kind of felt, I do feel, I know, this was the last try. It's just been going on too long, and I received a bid on my condo. Before accepting; which means moving- far away, I just wanted to talk to her. I wanted to apologize, first and foremost, for things I said out of anger and frustration leading up to the 3 week break. I truly do regret what I said- I was just so at my wits end by that point.

She has no memory of anything being said. She claims she doesn't remember at all what I am even talking about; so she doesn't understand why I am "harrassing" her; trying to apologize.

My second reason for wanting to talk to her; was we had a 5 year relationship. The last words she said before I left her have her space; she said "Fu**ing Shut Up!" - and the call ended. I disconnected at that point, because the things she was saying were so painful to hear. They weren't in any way introspective (as in when you do this it makes me feel this way); it was, you are a (pick any horrible word), pointing out and magnifying all of my flaws; saying I am dangerous (I've never been in a fight in my life). Comparing me to ex's. It was just to much to hear. After minutes of this, I said can I please speak and that's when she told me to shut up- and I just couldn't take it. I was crying so hard at that point.

So my reason; I just wanted- if it was the end- to at least have our last conversation not be so mean, so hostile, our last words after half a decade (or at least her last words to me) to be filled with such vitriol. I didn't want it to end "like that".

--- So she finally answers today, and is pretty much casual and aloof.

What do you want?  (As if I hadnt specified in text 100 times why I wanted to talk).

Long story short, she went on tirade on how I am pure horror. She brings up her ex's (she loved doing that throughout our relationship), and how I am just like them but worse.

She tells me she has sent the emails I have sent to her, to all of her friends. They have all weighed in... .I am a monster, crazy. Insane.  (I am sure she was very selective in what she showed them, because if she had indeed show'd them all my emails, and hers; it would be such a different story).

In closing, I wanted to apologize, which she inadvertently didn't accept because she had no memory of me saying the things I said which I regret. No memory at all.

She doesn't remember (she claims) really anything from our relationship, at all, that was good. She claims she doesn't even think there ever was a relationship- there were no good times.

I told her I'd leave her alone, I would respect her wishes, I truly was sorry, that I did love her, regardless of how she felt, and I said I wished her the best, and said goodbye.

She just hung up.

It's the strangest thing. She just wont say goodbye. There cannot be any sort of even a compassionate ending. I am heartbroken, and I feel I have been truly treated unfairly.

I also recognize that you can't blame someone for how they feel, deep inside. Feelings are beyond our control (we can control how we react on them but not the feeling itself).

I just am so sad she couldn't just say good bye. Or one kind word. The last thing she said when I told her I'd except the bid (I just wanted to see if reconciling was even possible, to include her, let her think on it); was she said:

"Good get out of here, this is my city, my territory, get out of my life".

That's when I said ok, wished her well, said sorry, goodbye. And then her click.

So I am now done with this chapter in my life. I can't take the heartache any more. Its just too much. I spent an hour, blocked all her numbers, accounts, every possible aspect in terms of her contacting me.

I'll be moving in less than a month. And I (I know this sounds going far), but I'm signing up for an email filtering (human) service who will scan emails to make sure nothing comes through if she uses a new account or account I don't know about.  My phone number will be changed.

I know the only way I will ever break away from this is absolute closure from any future contact. No contact is not good enough. Because No Contact to me seems to say I may change down the road.

I am going Never Contact.

She mentioned on the call that after I work through my issues (my issues I know), maybe in a year we can get back together. It's like she just want's to keep me as a side option, hoping, wanting her.

After this, I don't want her. I can't ever trust her to be there for me. To be reasonable, to be loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, the kind of person I deserve and want to be with.

Never Contact. Will she care? Probably not. It sounds like (or she makes it sound) like she is so much happier without me in her life, she's been having such a good time with all her friends, and she's made me out to be a villain in all their eyes - there is no fixing that. I've been painted black.

I'm done.

To all of you here, I am going to take a break from the forum for a bit. You all have been so great offering advice, and I've found this forum so helpful with what I'm going through. But I want to just take a breather from even thinking about the term "BPD". A term I'd never even heard of until my therapist said it sounds like she is.

As crazy as this sounds, I have a date in an hour. My first date since our pseudo break up 5 months ago. At least this time around I didn't really cry. And I don't really know if sadness is what I feel. At least not to the depth I've felt before. Perhaps I'm numb to it by now.

But I'm going to go out, meet this new girl. And do my best to be a reflection of my old self, the guy everyone loved. The guy I was, before her.

Thanks again to you all, until next time.

Best,

OC

[JQ]

Hey OC,

You have reached the point where most of us do and drew a line in the sand. You are at the beginning stages of taking care of yourself and nothing but good can come from this  

It's good to see you go on a date and start living life again!  Come back when you're ready and let us know how you're doing! 

See you around 

J

[Ahoy]

If it's worth anything, my last conversation with my wife was friendly, it changed nothing in the sense of how betrayed I felt nor did it ease any of the pain I am currently dealing with.

I think you know deep down how distorted your partner is, a meaningless insincere gesture from her will not fast-track your healing.

Very best of luck man, your hurt is genuine and very real, I'm so glad you are taking the steps to rid yourself of this person! I hope to read a positive update in 6 months, it will bring a smile to my face

[Herodias]

"She mentioned on the call that after I work through my issues (my issues I know), maybe in a year we can get back together. It's like she just want's to keep me as a side option, hoping, wanting her. "

Yes, that's what he said to me too- then he got the gf pregnant and there was no going back. I felt like an option too. Good luck with your date and I like the concept of "Never contact."  It's understandable to take a break from it all. We should be enjoying our lives. Take care...

[FannyB]

After this, I don't want her. I can't ever trust her to be there for me. To be reasonable, to be loving, compassionate, forgiving, understanding, the kind of person I deserve and want to be with.

And that is the salient point my friend, who wants a LTR with someone who will suck you dry emotionally - whilst not offering a modicum of support in return? Purgatory! 

Good luck with your new life. Really impressed with your determination to close the door on her forever. Hope you check in from time to time and let us know how your new (non-BPD!) life is progressing. 


Fanny