Feeling deeply conflicted.. please shed light

[taosoul]

Hello!

Recently I met a 30 years old woman.
A little bit background about her, she is divorced and has a child, she grew up with an abusive father, her mother is addicted to drugs. Her father left when she was four years old (she told me he used to beat her and she hated being around him).
She has had dysfunctional relationships throughout the years.
She openly speaks about her past, her father, her pains and sorrow... .saying that it's not usual for her to open up to that level... .
I feel strongly her being guarded, avoiding, flinching when I give a hug, so I'm very patient and attentive to her needs, trying to give her the necessary space, though my emotions and needs take over at times, wanting already to give her a huge hug and a kiss, but her being guarded doesn't allow me to... .
I have known her for about one and a half months. I have emotions for her and the slow progress makes me doubt at times if I ever be able to build a meaningful relationship.
I feel invisible, she isn't interested in me during a conversation... I'm the one who mostly lead and ask questions.
I initiate most of phone calls and texts (she mentioned it's difficult for her to initiate)... .I feel she is very distant... .

I presume she has the characteristics of BPD... .
My sensitivity to her and her condition is making me empathic ... .I don't know if to give up... .or keep going.

I would appreciate any comments, as I am emotionally involved, so any viewpoint from outside might shed some light.
Love & light.

[BeagleGirl]

Taosoul,
Welcome.  I hope you can find the answers you are looking for.  There are lots of great people on this site who may be able to shed more light on your situation.  For my part, I have more questions:

What is it (besides the desire to relieve her sorrow) that draws you to this woman?
Has she indicated in any way that she wants a relationship (more than friendship) with you?
Have you had relationships in the past with women from similar backgrounds?
What are your expectations for the scope and timeline of establishing a relationship with her?
Do you have a strong support system and other healthy relationships?

If you are wondering why most of my questions are about you and not the woman you are drawn to, it's because I believe that a strong relationship is built around two healthy and whole individuals.  Before entering any relationship (BPD or non) it is good to take inventory of your health and wholeness.  Otherwise, you may be drawn to a relationship for the wrong reasons.

I think there are plenty on this site, like myself, who are strongly tempted to say "It's not worth the pain you could face to start a relationship with someone with BPD".  I will resist that temptation and say "If you think you may want a relationship with someone with BPD, start by seeing if you can handle a friendship with them for 6 months.  Keep other commitments out of the picture and just be their friend long enough to see what it would take to interact with them on a regular basis after the initial "getting to know you" phase is over.

[taosoul]

Hi, thanks for the reply... .

"What is it (besides the desire to relieve her sorrow) that draws you to this woman?"

I like the complexity of her personality, this is what makes her different/unique/attractive in a way. though informing myself about BPD makes me very doubtful and confused. I feel I need to protect myself, and I don't know if I ever would be able to treat her or relate to her as I do in a "normal" acquaintance with someone who doesn't suffer from a personality disorder...
and I must say she is attractive.


"Has she indicated in any way that she wants a relationship (more than friendship) with you?"
No... .

"Have you had relationships in the past with women from similar backgrounds?"
No... .


"What are your expectations for the scope and timeline of establishing a relationship with her?"

Watching the red flags at the beginning I feel in a way that I can't expect too much... .I don't think she has the capacity to listen and relate, I feel invisible... .so an healthy conversation isn't there... .physical contact is very important for me... .however, she's very cold and distant in her nature.
I wish we could build an healthy relationship based on trust, love, listening, catering each others needs... .but I doubt she has the capacity for that, unfortunately.

":)o you have a strong support system and other healthy relationships?"
I have a strong support system, I come from a pretty healthy background, have pretty stable backbone and personality... .had setbacks in life, like everyone, however, nothing radical.
I'm pretty sensitive human being, highly empathic and a good listener.


Putting my blinding emotions at the side for a moment... .and rereading all what I was just writing... .the red flags are there I guess.

[babyoctopus]

 

Doy,

I just logged online after a little break.

Thank you for calling me a badass- it made my morning!

Hang in there and keep us posted. Visualize what you want the rest of your life to be. Today is the first day. Your choice 100%.

   
babyoctopus

[Circle]

For myself, it would just be an obvious waste of time.
Right from the start, that kind of ambivalence; no way.
I would maybe self-analyze a bit.
Ask yourself, you don't need to reply to me.

Do you feel like you can't find someone who shows more interest in you?
Are you compelled to try and help this person out?
(If you are compelled, you may be showing co-dependent traits).
Co-dependent people aren't truly fulfilled by sacrificing themselves for others though.
I would guess, if you are as solid as you describe yourself, you could certainly find someone who shows an interest in you.

Why deal with blah?
Being in solitude and entertaining one's self is more satisfying than that.

Hang in there.
You don't have to save the world!

[Lucky Jim]

Hey taosoul, I'm w/Circle: why go down this road?  Having empathy is one thing, but care-taking is another and I suspect this is a setup for codependency.  Do you really want to take this on?  No, you're not the only one who can help her, despite what you may think.  Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it's better to nip it in the bud rather than go through years of frustration and misery, like I did.

LuckyJim

[taosoul]

Thanks you all for the replies and willingness to help.
After a bit more suffering, doubts and emotionality, I have decided to cut contact with her. I felt a huge relief after doing it.
I knew that I had to do it, deep inside, but fear of loosing her prevented me from doing it.
Finally, I listened to my emotions.