Family Fun and Get Togethers... however

[chooselove]

My uBPD daughter has removed herself from all family events, be it Christmas, Thanksgiving, birthday parties, or a simple picnic in the park.  She says she loves her extended family and yearns to be with them but when they invite her she tells them she is forced to say no because it's just too dangerous for her to be at these functions when I am there.  The kicker is that she lives on our property and interacts with us every day.

The family has nonetheless continued to invite her to the major holiday gatherings.  She either says no, or she says maybe and then just doesn't show up.

I don't bother telling her about the casual get togethers any more so that I don't have to hear how it's all my fault that she had to isolate herself from family.  If my sister invites us over for dinner, my husband and I just go.   The other day I brought home some sliced turkey, coleslaw and a little dessert for her.  I knew she'd love it because she is always asking if we have something for her to eat.  We don't keep a lot of extra food in the house as she will help herself to it and go through our groceries pretty fast.  She sat right down and ate everything but not before telling me I only got the food so I could rub it in that there had been a function to which she was not invited.

I am fairly detached these days and don't feel anything when she says these things. I'd love to say, "I'd be the happiest Mom on the planet if you could come have fun and make new memories all of us!" as she is missing out on SO much.  But I know full well the rage that would trigger, so I go on about my business and let her have her say uncontested and continue on with her isolated unhappy life.

I'm thinking over if I should bring her food.  When she knows we're going to a holiday gathering she will meet us when we get home and ask if we brought back anything for her to eat.  Yet I am supposedly rubbing it in if I bring something home and she doesn't expect it.  She still eats it, though!  I guess I must be struggling with guilt either way.   If I don't bring the food, I feel like I'm being inconsiderate toward her.  If I bring the food, she thinks I'm saying, "You missed out again, haha!"

It's troubling to feel the need to put this much thought into a small act of kindness. 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[jeb]

I am wondering if you need to tell her when you go to a family event or would she figure it out anyway? I guess bringing her some of the food is a kind gesture and although having to endure a snarky remark about how she wasn't invited can be painful maybe you can say something along the lines that "it's too bad it has to be this way but I'm glad you are enjoying the food" and then walk out of earshot so you don't have to endure a huge tirade.  My dd25 just loves to give endless lectures and you will be cut off at the knees if you interrupt but if she asks you a question she expects it to be answered in 5 seconds or less because she "doesn't have all day to listen to me".  Always a lose-lose situation but I guess what I am suggesting is that you keep your response simple and as neutral as possible.  Of course you could always say "whatever" but we all know I am sure that our BPD kids will hit the roof if you use that one on them.

[chooselove]

, I have said "whatever" a time or two when I can barely get a word in edgewise.   I like the comment you suggested. I may try that.   Seems I can rarely think of the right thing to say in the midst of her digs at me. I have lots of comebacks pop into my head that are never spoken.

I don't tell her I'm going to family events as I don't like hurting her feelings.  She figures it out within a few days of the event... . I can tell because she suddenly becomes very sullen, rude and dramatically disses me for a couple days.  Or, if I bring obvious prepared food home, she asks where it came from.  I'll just nonchalantly say we were at so and so's house.  She gets a bit nasty but not as bad nor as long lasting as when she finds out on her own.

[chooselove]

Also, when I tell her in advance that something is being planned, there are usually days of upset at why she feels she cannot go because of me and that lasts before, during and after the occasion.  So it's for a couple reasons I don't mention it up front. I realize she is going to get her feelings hurt no matter what.  I'm just no longer engaging in it to the level I did in the past, where I would reassure her and try to get her to come join us.

[Rapt Reader]

Hey, chooselove 

I'm really sorry for all the pain and trauma your relationship with your daughter is causing you... . It's awful to have a child you love who does and says things that make it so hard to show or build upon that love. I can't imagine the pain she must feel inside, thinking that somehow being with family will be terrible for her. People with BPD sometimes also suffer from Social Anxiety as a symptom, and it sounds like that could be something that feeds her fear of socializing with her extended family... . I know you say that she is blaming you for the reasons she won't attend, but deep inside I bet that it is herself she is struggling with, and she might know it... .

This is probably a weird question, but do you think that she would ever consent to go to counseling with you? I don't know (or remember) if your daughter has actually been formally diagnosed with BPD, or if she has a Therapist, but is Therapy with someone who would work with both of you--separately and together--something she would entertain? Just a thought... .

[mom2bpd]

My bPD daughter does the same with family events but doesn't blame me for not attending.  She'll make a strange remark about how they have so much to do and it's not good for her new family.  This basically translates to she and her new spouse don't give a darn.

Her new spouse is very anti-social but my daughter was never like that until she married him.  She would complain about her cousins when younger but she liked having a family and getting together with them.  Do borderline become more anti-social as they age or is this her spouse getting his way?  She's in her early 30's.

[tristesse]

MY BPD daughter avoids all larger social gatherings and most small ones, even with close family members. I thinks it is natural for them to pass the blame to the mother, as my daughters ex therapist told me, we are the one relationship that stays no matter what, they hate us and everything we stand for when they are raging, but depend so much on our love. I always tell my dd when there is a social gathering, invite her to attend and leave her to decide what she feels is best. I am so new to this site, and I am just learning some of the techniques, so I am hardly one to give advice, but I can lend support. I feel your pain and anguish, and am sorry that you have to hurt. Please do read the information provided, I am finding it quite helpful, and you may too.