Dd14... I don't know if I should go RTC route...

[Lightan]

Hi everyone.  I am so happy to have found you.  My dd is 14-- she has been hospitalized 4 times this year since October for suicidal ideation and one attempt.  After being released, she either attended a dbt partial program or IOP.  Since October she has been the same program.  Tomorrow will be entering week 4 of partial.  (But she is refusing to go tomorrow as of tonight). I have caught her really drunk about 5 or 6 times, she has admitted to buying or stealing cough syrup to drink to escape the pain  she feels is what she says.  She has been cutting for about 3 years -- she started individual therapy and seeing a psychiatrist when I discovered the cuts.  She is very scarred from them.  Her grades have been dropping (she is extremely smart -- which isn't serving her well at this point -- bc she believes in her own justifications for everything), has missed a lot of school bc of her hospitalizations, missed the 8th grade dance and will most likely miss walking with her class for 8th grade graduation. She is very angry about that -- which is partly why she doesn't want  to attend partial any longer.). She really has no friends at this point any longer -- just a few kids she has met in the hospital or her program.  About two weeks ago, one week out of the hosp, she made an unreasonable request and I had to say no.  She immediately went upstairs and cut about 8 or 9 deeply in thigh. Her anger has increased and at times she will throw things, curse

, yell-- she pushed me hard one time, broke the car windshield and threatens to leave or hurt herself.  I have been on eggshells -- and learning when and how to approach her -- but if its something she doesn't like, it doesn't matter-- she gets very angry.  She is remorseful after, but it keeps happening. 

Before this last hosp, she ran out of school and the police were called etc.  last weekend, I let her go out with a kid that finished the program.  We went over rules, expectations etc.  about 9 pm that night, the police called said they found her in a parking lot unresponsive and she was on her way to the er.  She binge drank and smoked some pot and sniffed Xanax with her friend. Again next day after the entire night in the er she appeared remorseful.

On Tuesday I was reading her texts and she was asking the same friend to get them alcohol and heroin bc she really wants to try it.  The program wants to step her day to 5 day IOP next week.  I'm scared.  She has been in a program since Oct and is completely escalating.  I am looking at co-occurring inpatient/residential programs on my own -- the program won't make a referral. 

I don't know if im doing the right thing -- I can't watch her start to try/use heroin but I'm also scared to put her somewhere so young.  She is gonna flip if i go this route, but things are not getting better with the treatment she's getting now. 

I'm sorry i typed so much 

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[DreamFlyer99]

Hi Lightan, and  I'm so glad you found us!

This must be so frightening for you, i can only imagine how you're feeling right now. Your daughter sounds like she is in so much emotional pain, that must be so hard to see. Was there a traumatic incident of some sort that preceded her behavior? She's running hard. Poor sweet girl!

Have no worries whatsoever about writing a lengthy post--actually, the more information you give, the more other members know how to help you.

There are senior members who have a ton of experience and knowledge, and then of course there are all the other members who either have gone through or are currently going through what you are. It really helped me to know there were others dealing with the same issues as me, then I quit feeling I was going through some totally alien experience with my undiagnosed husband.

You've taken the first and most important step toward helping your daughter by being aware of what's going on with her and seeking help! Your observations and intuition are playing a big part in her story. 

It's a tough situation you're in, and like i said i can only imagine. But i do know how much help and direction and how many tools I've learned here, so i know you will too.

Welcome to the learning journey. 

[raytamtay3]

Hi Lightan. And welcome!    I've been and currently am in the same boat as you with my DD14.  She's been in an RTC for the past three months. Prior to that she was in Juvi for probation violation. You can read my post if you like by searching my name. I've maxed out quite a few of the topics I started as the saga with DD has been continuous.  I really don't have any words of advice as I'm still learning as I go, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone in your struggles with your DD. Making the decision to send my DD to an RTC (with the help of the judicial system) was one of the hardest decisions I had to make. But our home was in choes (sp?) and DD was and still is in turmoil even at the RTC. She's in the process of being transferred to another RTC because she just is not at a right place to be able to come home yet and pretty much is wreaking havoc at the RTC she's currently at. As you will see if you do decide to read my posts.

My only advice I can offer you is that my decision to send my DD to an RTC was in an effort to try and save her from herself, so if you DD is putting herself in harms way and you have found it impossible to protect her as I did with my DD, it may be your only option as well. It's hard. Real hard. But we will stand behind any decision you make and offer as much advice and tell you our experiences to support you.

Take care.   

[HealingSpirit]

Dear Lightan,

You will find nothing but support from me!  How absolutely terrifying to try to help your DD from herself.  My DD17 cuts as well, and I feel so sad and helpless every time I found out (usually too late to do anything about it) she's done it.

I hope you can find a RTC that is a good fit, if that's what you decide.  I think it's important to consider the emotional health of the entire family, not just your DD.  I know how exhausting it is to be on hyper-vigilant alert day in, day out.  You can't keep that up without getting worn out, and then YOUR skills go out the window.  BTDT!

Hang in there and let us know what you decide.

Hugs!

[Lightan]

Thank you all so much.  I'm researching places via the Internet and her insurance -- I really think this needs to be done -- I'm just trying to find the right place -- which isn't proving easy!  I also am feeling a little bit guilty because she doesn't know this is coming yet -- but logically I know I need to protect her, get her help and be strong.  As I'm sure (I think) many of you have felt, it's appears she won't last long in this world without serious help.  Partial is just not changing anything.  The only trauma that stands out (although I know she may have some trauma because of her sensitivity) was her dad and my divorce when she was 6.  It was nasty, drawn out (he is a lawyer) and abusive to me.  Both my girls witnessed me being very sad , depressed and crying.  I got help right away, and for quite awhile but things have not improved with the ex since divorce.  She's seen a lot of arguing and at this point has no relationship with him.  Unfortunately, his choice as much as hers.  He does see our youngest daughter a lot so that's hard on her too.

Either way, I'm so drained but that isn't my main motivation for rtc.  I was thinking it for awhile and then the ER and heroin that has made really think I need to do this.

[DreamFlyer99]

I'm so glad to see people pitching in with their experiences since mine are in a different area!

i'm so sorry for what you went through with the divorce too--it seems unnecessarily cruel for your ex to have used his expertise against you.   You've all been through some tough stuff it sounds like.

When our kids are young they lack that life experience that says "yep, this sucks right now but i'll get through it." Actually, I think I felt like a kid through a lot of the time with my husband, things seeming hopeless. Realizing we have a choice in our own life makes a difference, and when we're running so hard from our problems we can't see that there's a future. You're a wise mom to see how your daughter's behaviors might affect whether or not she has a future, and want to be sure she gets a chance to see she can make choices in her own best interest.

All the best,

dreamflyer99

[theplotthickens]

I am so sorry, it is an impossible situation when your child cannot regulate and keep themselves safe.  I have to get out the door, but I have a couple thoughts.

We have never found fellow treatment clients to be healthy, but instead they support each other in unhealthy behaviors.  Our rule is that treatment friends are for treatment, and she cannot contact them outside of treatment.  

My dd has  lot of trouble making and keeping friends also, so at times I have let her hang out with people I didn't feel good about out of desperation.  It ended badly EVERY single time!  

It is vital for your daughter's health that she has connections - and she knows you know this.  We feel responsible for helping our kids be well and do well.  Is it possible she is using this to talk you into hanging out with people you know she shouldln't be hanging out with?

What has worked well for us is connection in the community.  Hanging out with positive friends through classes, community ed events, art/drama/music, or whatever.  I will require it, as it is part of my parenting plan to keep her stable.  She has met 2 really good kids, and she takes on the behaviors of whoever she is around, so it has been positive!

If she has no friends, than getting her in activities where she will be doing POSITIVE things with POSITIVE peers would be a priority.  In the meantime, it has helped to stay busy with a schedule of summer reading, movies, exercise, and requiring at least 1-2 hobbies to pursue.  It probably sounds funny to require these things, but I think they are not able to think of these things on their own because of the misery they feel.  

Too much unstructured time is the devil here, as well as hanging out with kids who have similiar issues.  Group therapy and group treatment worsened her behaviors, triggered her, and added new behaviors she hadn't thought of yet. We have tried group DBT, two day treatments, and one 9-month day treatment.  Behaviors escalated with each treatment, and it was either RTC or a radical change for us last year.  Individual DBT twice a week, getting mood stabilized with meds (she is also bipolar) and positive connections have helped more than all the group therapy she has had.   It really depends on your child's motivation level and sense of self.  Most RTCs are run like mini-jails, treat kids like a prison would, and I personally can't see how they are preparation for family living in a free society. 

We decided against RTC after much soul-searching, and so glad we did!  I will say that aged 13-16 were the WORST for my dd, and that they get better as they mature.  In the meantime, I took note of what made her worse and what seemed to help and decided to simply survive until her brain matures a bit.  It is exhausting and I do get burned out, but little encouragements come here and there.

I have really enjoyed the parenting ideas from "What Works for Bipolar Kids," including their RAINBOW method.  Bipolar has similiar symptoms as far as emotional dysregulation, so it is applicable to BPD, also.  Focus on one or two things you can work on.  It helps so much to focus on what you CAN do, as it not helpful to "let it go" when you are dealing with a 14 yo.  I highly recommend "What Works for Bipolar Kids" as it is very applicable to the age you are dealing with.  Was life-changing for me!

Here is the RAINBOW philosophy (swap out "bipolar" for your child's diagnosis):

R

Routine

Parenting bipolar children requires you to always pay attention to the importance of routine. Meals, activates and bedtimes should occur at approximately the same time every day. This helps children know what to expect and helps regulate their minds and bodies. Obviously, sometimes this is difficult to accomplish, parents need to just do the to the best they can.

A

Affect (Emotional) Regulation

Essentially this means every day children parents need to monitor and predict their child’s mood. Hopefully parents can also teach their child how to learn to do this for his or herself. When a parent knows their child is excited or agitated, they can focus on balancing that with a calm tone of voice and approach to the situation. When a child become agitated, it is crucial that the parent stay calm.

I

“ I Can Do It”

Children need to feel they have the opportunity to be successful. Parenting a child how is bipolar requires that a parent convey to their child that they have faith that together they will get control of this disorder. Parents need to overdo positive reinforcement. Children need to feel motivated and positive about their ability to solve problems and handle difficult situations. Children need to understand that they may feel less able to handle difficult situations when they are depressed, but that is part of their mood disorder.

N

“No Negative Thoughts”

When parenting a bipolar child it is important for parents not to dwell on incidents after they have happened. Instead the focus is on reconnecting with their child. Process your feelings with them about an incident and allow them to process feelings with you. Focus on positive thinking and facing a new day.

B

“Be a Good Friend”

Essentially this means it is very important to foster peer relationships for your children and to help them learn the skills necessary for building and maintaining friendships. Bipolar disorder parenting should emphasize this priority.

O

"Oh , How can We Solve This?"

Parents need to have a positive optimistic attitude that conveys to a child that there is a solution. Problem solving should always occur during calm phases, children are unable to solve problems when they are raging or otherwise in an agitated state. This step in the parenting philosophy can often best be implemented through pep talks or role plays.

W

"Ways to get Support"

Children need to be reminded that they are loved and cared for by many people. A parent can help them to understand who cares for them and who they can go to support for in the different settings they may be in.