He's just been diagnosed with a chronic illness

[Harlygirl]

I received a call from a mutual friend yesterday ... that exBPDbf has been diagnosed with a chronic, debilitating, progressive illness ... I think I know what is expected of me at this point ... to forgive and forget (the abusive rage ... homicidal and suicidal threats ... aggression ) ... to return to my role as his caretaker ... regardless of what I know will soon come ... maybe not right away ... but ultimately ... I think they see this illness as being at the heart of all that has been wrong with how he treated me ... As a professional health care provider, I see comorbidity all the time ... and how a personality disorder does not always exist in only the physically healthy individual ...I understand also ... that their belief that there is something I can do to ease his pain is difficult to let go of ... But I've been there before ... and my presence in his life seems only to feed into and exacerbate his pain ... I guess I'm writing this because I still feel so torn ... as if I should have prove to them that he will hurt me again ... Would they understand then ... when he finally does act on his threats ?

[WindofChange]

Hi Harlygirl, that has to be so hard, getting pressure from other people to resume the relationship, being judged for ending it. But only you know what he was like when you were alone together. If you reached the point where you couldn't deal with it anymore, then you did the right thing in leaving and going NC (saw your other thread). Only you know what you can and can't live with, no one else. I'm sorry, I'm sure it's very difficult for you.
Would you want to elaborate on the illness he's been diagnosed with?

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Harlygirl, I wonder if it feels like others are attempting to manipulate you through guilt and obligation?  In my view, you are not responsible for the well-being of another adult, though those w/BPD will try to convince you otherwise.  It's the care taking/helping dynamic that those w/BPD use to hook a Non.  I should know, because I was hooked.  I support you and your efforts to keep a healthy distance.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

Hi Harlygirl, that has to be so hard, getting pressure from other people to resume the relationship, being judged for ending it

A r/s is between two people it's not up to others that are outside of the relationship to decide what both of you need. Granted there are arranged marriages, polyamorous r/s but even those it's up to the people in the r/s to decide if they want ultimately be in it or not.

How do they know what's best for you?

There were good reasons why your r/s ended? You have to think about those reasons and you mentioned that his current illness or his personality disorder is the root of this problems. Mentally ill or not a mentally ill person still has the responsibility of taking care of themselves to get better, it's not an excuse for his actions.

Hey Harlygirl, I wonder if it feels like others are attempting to manipulate you through guilt and obligation?

Spot on. I hear a lot of guilt in your post Harlygirl don't put all of this on yourself and feel guilty you're not responsible for other people's feelings.

[Harlygirl]

Thank you all for your insight and support ... I truly do wish things could've been different ... ( for him and for me) ...and certainly I will always wish for him health and happiness ...I guess I find myself swinging back and forth still ...between anger at the abuse ( and TY Mutt ... you're right ... there is no excuse for it ) and sadness, that this ( Parkinson's ) is just something else he has to struggle with ... I take some comfort in knowing that at least he has finally found himself in the care of the right physicians ... And that he has treatment options ... and (hopefully) the support of his adult children (3)  ... But 2 of his adult D's have removed themselves from his daily life a few years ago ... secondary to finding themselves the targets of his rage as well ... Not sure if it's good for me or not ...to continue to spend time and mental energy in researching the symptoms, treatments and prognoses ... I guess I'm still looking for answers...

[Lucky Jim]

Not sure if it's good for me or not ...to continue to spend time and mental energy in researching the symptoms, treatments and prognoses ... I guess I'm still looking for answers...

Hey Harlygirl, No, in my view its not healthy for you to attempt to control/change something that is out of your control, which is bound to lead to sadness and frustration.  Letting go is hard for a lot of us Nons, I understand, yet it leads to greater happiness, which is what it's all about, right?

LJ

[mama-wolf]

Hi Harlygirl,

I'm so sorry to hear you're going through this.  It can be incredibly difficult for us Nons to work through the FOG, and hearing that our ex is going through a difficult time becomes a real test of our boundaries.

I think I know what is expected of me at this point ... to forgive and forget (the abusive rage ... homicidal and suicidal threats ... aggression ) ... to return to my role as his caretaker ...

Expected of you by whom?  By the mutual friend?  Or by you?  Maybe both, but regardless of the source, it doesn't sound like a healthy expectation for you to fulfill.  I get the sense that you recognize that, which in itself is a good thing...that you see the danger.

It's the care taking/helping dynamic that those w/BPD use to hook a Non. 

So true LJ.  I was hooked so badly and didn't recognize it for so very long.  I can still feel it pulling at my insides sometimes, as if it's still embedded.  It's painful, and difficult to remind myself of the damage done when I let it reel me in.

I guess I find myself swinging back and forth still ...between anger at the abuse ( and TY Mutt ... you're right ... there is no excuse for it ) and sadness

... I guess I'm still looking for answers...

This sounds like very normal grieving, which is not a linear process.  I say this while also acknowledging that I really struggle with the grief myself, as others here can probably vouch for.  At least you can recognize the feelings for what they are, which is a major step towards working through them.

So, answers to what exactly?  Maybe we can try to help you explore for some of them...and for those things for which there may not be an answer to be had, maybe we can help you process.

mw