I have no energy

[rvieux]

Hello,

I'm really exhausted but I'm happy I can write here, I barely have the energy to write here when I want to.

How can I deal with her better? She is really too much. I am very exhausted.

I used to get angry, now I try to keep quiet, but then that makes me depressed…

I don't even have energy for the details, she's just really nasty to me sometimes. Then she calms down and feels bad she acted that way. Then two hours or so later she's back doing the same thing with her different voice and horrible attitude

I really need to see a therapist and get some help

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, rvieux 

You've come to the right place... .Welcome to our family, where everyone is trying to figure out the same things that you are. Have you had the chance to check out the links to the right-hand side of this page? If you start at the top (What is Borderline Personality Disorder?), where you can read about how your wife's mind works, you will find at least the satisfaction of understanding why she acts the way she does.

Seeing a Therapist yourself is actually not a bad idea; many of us on this site have done just that (myself included), and it can really help. Is your wife in Therapy? I know (from reading your Intro post on the New Member Board) that her Dr. has mentioned either Bi-Polar or a Personality Disorder, but I'm wondering if she's ever seen a Therapist or been in Therapy? Does she think she might have a problem that needs help? Would she be willing to entertain that idea, do you think?

When you are ready (and feeling better!), please tell us more about your situation, so we can help... .I'm very happy you have found us, rvieux 

[rvieux]

That's so nice of you to be so welcoming, I felt I didn't deserve that because I wrote such a tired and emotional post that didn't make too much sense.

My wife is in therapy, but she skips her appts once in a while, but, yes, luckily she is in therapy and it is of her own idea to go to therapy after realizing how she has been acting. I'm so very thankful for that, just she hasn't been to an appt in many weeks, I can't wait for her to go back, I think she has an appt very soon and I really like her therapist.

She also sees a psychiatrist that is working on her meds with her.

I definitely want to see a therapist myself , all this time of holding in anger, getting abused, yelled at, threatened to be divorced, yelling, name calling, etc. has really taken a toll on me and I thought i was strong.

Basically nothing works with her, she gets nuclear if I try to make sense of something.

today was the 1st birthday of our baby boy and i thought the day would go better than it did, she really loses her temper and loses it a lot. then she feels bad or takes a nap or a shower and says "oh i feel so much better now, sorry!" then an hour later something happens and she's right back in that hopeless super anxious and angry state, it is too much

it's just so sad she acted the way she did today when it was our son's 1st birthday.

i should get some rest tonight, but thanks for welcoming me.

[Moselle]

Hello rvieux,

I'm a 6 month old newbie :-), and welcome you here too.

Most folks here will have been absolutely emotionally exhausted before, so its very easy to empathise with your post.  Even though you mentioned no details, it's also possible to roughly predict what has transpired. What appears very random behaviour, actually has a pattern to it, and becomes predictable, once there is some understanding.

The fact that your wife voluntarily went to therapy is actually quite rare, and I think - a very positive sign for you.

I also highly recommend seeing a therapist. It will probably be a great support to you and also enlighten you as to your role in your relationship. Try to find a therapist who also has experience with personality disorders. They are very complex to understand initially, but becomes easier to understand over time.

[Samuel S.]

Rvieux, yes, it does take a lot of physical and emotional energy to deal with a BPD. Along with your recognition of wanting to see a therapist and along with the lessons on this board, it is suggested that when your BPD is abusive, that you leave the room or the home. You do NOT deserve any negativity. If your BPD becomes offended, so be it. Your boundary of health needs to be preserved all the time. Maybe, your BPD will understand.

[waverider]

Constant one step forward, one step back, one step forward and back again saps the life out of you and keeps you unbalanced. The problem is you get stuck in the default mode of going to ground to avoid, rather than making any life choices. Lack of choices robs you of direction and motivation to the extent everything becomes pointless.

I think you wll need to start to work on making choices for you and the techniques to minimize the impact any negative consequences from your wife have on you.

There is a lot of information and knowledge on this board to help you with that. It is not easy but having direction is good moral lifter.

[ziniztar]

Hi rvieux,

It's good you had enough energy to find this site and made the first introductory posts. That's a start!   You'll find out that this is a safe place where you can rant about what happened and can work on understanding your SO, yourself, and work towards a more hopeful future. Take your time, you're free to write as much as you like. Sometimes it can even help to just read what others are experiencing.

It must be hard to know your wife doesn't always go to her appointments. I just wanted to let you know that that's part of the condition as well. Therapists are aware of the push-pull cycles (it also happens in a therapy relationship) and part of the first year (I think) is building a trust based relationship to show the pwBPD (person with Borderline Personality Disorder) that trusting someone is actually possible. From there, the actual therapy begins. So, the fact that she is missing out of appointments is part of it and in no means a sign she will quit forever.

As waverider suggested, you need to get to a place where you understand you have choices and are in charge of your own life. What really helped me is reading Staying 101, a series of posts explaining how a pwBPD's mind works and how validation fits in https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221022.0

Again, welcome  

PS congratulations on your son's first birthday!

[Hope26]

Hi rvieux,

I just want to say that I can relate to your lack of energy.  It is exhausting mentally, physically, and emotionally to put up with their mood swings.  To me, the worst part of it is that you never know when an 'attack' is coming.  My uBPDh went for months without having an episode of bad behavior, and then tonight lashed out.  After we had had what I thought was a great weekend.  You have found a great source of help in this website, as have I.  I now realize that his moods and anger are totally beyond my control, and that I need to take care of myself.  It is Sunday night, and I have a demanding week coming up at work.  I am not going to allow tonight's episode to deplete me of energy as I have in the past.  I am not going to be foolish enough to expect any acknowledgement of the bad behavior, let alone an apology, as I would have done in the past.  Hang in there, and know you have friends on this board.

[rvieux]

So great to hear from all of you! I am embarrassed that I just read them all now. As you can imagine, just getting on the computer is a huge chore, and especially getting on and writing about this takes what feels like a ton of energy when you are so mentally and physically exhausted.

yes, i really need to see a therapist, i called weeks ago and they said they will call back with any open slots but noone has called, so i have to find energy to look up other mental health clinics covered by my insurance. i really need to go, i'm not kidding. i feel better today, but yesterday i could not concentrate at work at all, it isn;t good.

i'll gladly provide any detail anybody wants, as you can imagine this has gone on for such a very long time, details are almost pointless. most of me getting angry and confused was trying to make sense of all the madness, or fighting the madness, or getting shocked at her behavior. '

it is still nuts now, i put in a full days work and she is at home with the baby. now she got tired and lashed out emotionally twice, went upstairs to rest, came back down and said she was calm, started up again, and now is back upstairs, probably sleeping, and i'm here watching the baby all by myself after a full day of work (and dealing with a wife that has this emotional/behavior issue)

It;s too much! You will not believe all the stuff that gets twisted and turned and lashed out at me, and then i get huge compliments, makes no sense.

just right now i'm here watching my son with no help from her! this is a huge task for me, too much to do after a full day of work.

ok looking forward to talk soon and thank you all very much

ok got to go , thank you all very much, looking forward to talk soon.

[rvieux]

I'd like to write a quick update: my wife came downstairs shortly after my posting and said she was sorry and she took the baby upstairs, who was just about to fall asleep, and so he fell asleep upstairs and I've had a couple hours to myself to relax, so that was real nice of her. She really means well and is really sorry after she comes down from her personality attacks. Also, the two times she went upstairs after having an emotional attack(s) was frustrating at the time because she emotionally exploded then just left me alone with the baby but she said she did that because she went to therapy today and her therapist gave her some ideas to leave the room when she felt an attack come on and that's why she did that, she did a good thing doing that! Maybe the situation wouldve gotten worse if she just hung around being an emotional mess. OK hope that makes sense! Good night everyone.

[waverider]

I'd like to write a quick update: my wife came downstairs shortly after my posting and said she was sorry and she took the baby upstairs, who was just about to fall asleep, and so he fell asleep upstairs and I've had a couple hours to myself to relax, so that was real nice of her. She really means well and is really sorry after she comes down from her personality attacks. Also, the two times she went upstairs after having an emotional attack(s) was frustrating at the time because she emotionally exploded then just left me alone with the baby but she said she did that because she went to therapy today and her therapist gave her some ideas to leave the room when she felt an attack come on and that's why she did that, she did a good thing doing that! Maybe the situation wouldve gotten worse if she just hung around being an emotional mess. OK hope that makes sense! Good night everyone.

It does make sense.

This on and off again behavior is not of their choosing, its just sudden emotional overloading, they would rather it not happen if they had a choice. Disengagement is always best if it looks like getting out of hand. It is good she was pro active, otherwise you would have had to do it.

Nothing good comes out of sitting through a blow up. It just gets worse

[ziniztar]

I'd like to write a quick update: my wife came downstairs shortly after my posting and said she was sorry and she took the baby upstairs, who was just about to fall asleep, and so he fell asleep upstairs and I've had a couple hours to myself to relax, so that was real nice of her. She really means well and is really sorry after she comes down from her personality attacks. Also, the two times she went upstairs after having an emotional attack(s) was frustrating at the time because she emotionally exploded then just left me alone with the baby but she said she did that because she went to therapy today and her therapist gave her some ideas to leave the room when she felt an attack come on and that's why she did that, she did a good thing doing that! Maybe the situation wouldve gotten worse if she just hung around being an emotional mess. OK hope that makes sense! Good night everyone.

That's good to read! It means she is actively working and using the advice she gets in therapy.

One the other hand, don't make excuses for her. The behavior is still unacceptable, and the apology afterward does not make the actual moment any less painful for you. However, it is nice to know she is able to apologize - not all pwBPD's are capable of it.

The same thing applies to you by the way. If you notice she is exploding, YOU could also leave the room. Perhaps a next good read would be on boundaries, you can read them in the lessons. Good luck!

[rvieux]

great advice, yes, i agree the behavior is very unacceptable, but yes, i do appreciate how she makes the effort!

yes, i must learn to leave the room more often. i think i'm at the 'disengagement' stage, but it hurts to be there while it's going on, kind of like toughing out a room on fire by just standing still and let the fire pass instead of running the heck out and not getting burned!

thanks for the replies hope everyone else is doing well. i must say the past few days have been much better. she does slip a lot, whch is not fun at all, but at least it's been somewhat better.

ok goodnight!