I am looking to hear from those who have children who have divorced BPD

[so_overit]

I would just like to hear stories from you regarding how your children survived this (or if they didn't). My twins are 6.5, and I see how this has affected them. I'm just sad and worried about how they will get past it. I see they are extremely quick to respond, and have huge emotions when things don't go their way. I'm working with it all as best I can, the separation is only 1 week so far. If you don't mind sharing... .

Did the ice melt eventually, once the BPD moved out (or you did)?
Are your children aware of why you divorced? Do they resent you?
Do you or did you see effects like aggression, anger, violence, mimicking the BPD parent?
Did your children need therapy?

[livednlearned]

Hi so_overit,

My son was 9 when we left, and is now 16.

If your kids struggle with both genetics and trauma, then prepare for your work to be much more immersive. By genetics, I mean that the kids seem more emotionally sensitive than other kids, or are more impulsive, or seem more anxious over relatively minor things. Around 6 or 7, my son started to show signs of somatic complaints, which tipped me off that he lacked the skills and validation to manage strong feelings. In his younger years, he was socially adept, but the emotional regulation and anxiety made it harder for him socially, then middle school hit, coinciding roughly with the divorce.

After the divorce, it's tempting to think that the kids will equalize, life will go on. But in my experience, the genetics + trauma equation meant that S16 needed more support than usual. That meant I had to have his back and learn how to parent in very different (counter intuitive) ways.

Having a mentally ill parent blows apart their world. Watching the two primary adults in their lives separate blows apart their world. Having genetic predisposition to anxiety or depression, or being an emotionally sensitive person can blow apart their world, especially (in my opinion) for boys. May as well roll up our sleeves and recognize that this is going to take some serious effort to heal.

S16 knew why I left his dad. I told him it was my job to keep him safe, and I could no longer do that living in the home. He didn't resent me for it, although I did make mistakes, especially in the beginning, inadvertently putting him in the middle. I didn't understand parental alienation and had to learn about it so I could counter the narrative he was getting from his dad. Luckily, my bond was S16 was rock solid, although even then, I do think the PA injured him and made him be ever so slightly distrustful. I had to learn to be very authentic with him, without disclosing more than was appropriate.

As for violence, shortly after the divorce, S16 rammed a pencil into the chest of a child at school, who was fortunately wearing a thick winter coat. The elementary school family specialist handled it so well -- she knew about the divorce, and validated his anger. She also gave him a special privilege to wander to her office at any time, without needing the teacher's permission. It makes me emotional thinking about how kind and nurturing the school staff were toward him. I think their response to his distress was about as good as I could expect.

He hasn't been violent since that episode, and I don't think he has a mean bone in his body. He is very self-isolating and there is a lot of work to do there, for sure. He's been in therapy with a psychiatrist, once a week, for three years, and that has definitely helped even if it hasn't necessarily "cured" the underlying issues. I think he'll be in therapy on and off for the better part of his life, and will likely be medicated (anti depressants and adderall) the rest of his life.

I also found it hard as a mom raising a boy whose father was misogynistic (someone who has a hard time comprehending the emotional life of significant women in his life, according to the psychologist who evaluated my ex). I had to figure out how to validate my son's feelings while also encouraging him to be aware that I had an emotional life, not to mention self-respect and boundaries.

One time, when S16 was 10, we were walking into our new apartment and he said, "I think dad is lonely living by himself." And without thinking, I answered, "He should have thought about that when he was being mean to us." S10 got a shocked look on his face, and then seemed almost relieved. I don't fully understand what happened in that moment, but something shifted permanently. It's like he developed respect for me because I was able to point to a healthy boundary without feeling guilt. And since then, I notice that when I allow S16 to manipulate any guilt I feel, he loses respect for me. Last week I talked too long to his therapist after S16 went down to the car, and he had to come back up and express how irritated he was. On the ride home, I tried to validate him, and he just wouldn't let it drop, and kind of became a jerk about it, to be honest.

So I told him he sounded very upset, and that if he still felt angry in a few hours, to write down what was going on in a journal so he could remember, and talk about it with his T the following week. Maybe T could help him figure out a way to express what he felt in a way that I could hear.

That way, I was able to validate that he had strong feelings, and made it clear I was exiting the loop.

I will listen and validate, and I will also have good boundaries and self-respect. The days of me being someone's emotional punching bag are over.

That has helped us heal, one small step at a time. With a lot more steps to go, but at least on the right path, I feel. My T told me that kids can feel scared when they are able to manipulate and abuse their parent, and I took that advice to heart. I do S16 a favor when I model self-respect so he feels emotionally safe with me.

[so_overit]

Thank you for sharing your story. I suppose I will see long term effects, for right now I just am seeing 2 happy girls who seem very relieved to be out of the firing line. I homeschool and am in a group that meets once per week. 2 weeks ago, I overheard them playing a chase game, my D6 said "I'll be the mean dad". My heart sank! Then later they told me someone asked them about it. They told them their dad was mean.

Fast forward to last weekend, I am chatting with a fellow homeschool mom, she asked me about the conversation, and started to confide in me that she is married to bi-polar husband. We had so much in common, it was also very good to know the kids she was playing with must have understood the mean dad game! Weird huh.

[livednlearned]

That's pretty interesting.

When my son was first in therapy, it was mostly play therapy. His psychologist even did a personality assessment that was based on a lot of role playing, like setting up scenarios with a family, and getting S to describe who does what, how do the characters respond when this one does this, and that one does that.

A lot of the stories my son told about these families were based on dynamics in our home that I had no idea he was aware of  

I thought I protected him from them, but no.

[ForeverDad]

Yeah, the walls have ears.

There was a lot of conflict in my home when my son was small.  (Not by me, I was the clueless peacemaker and appeaser.)  I even asked the pediatrician when he was about 3 whether he could have some level of autism spectrum since he wouldn't look at me during conversations.  He was also slow to talk, for years talking a little below his age level.  We separated before he was 4.  Every teacher throughout elementary school said he was bright but would lose focus, being distracted and distracting to the other kids.  He read word by word until the middle of third grade when some light bulb finally went off and he read more smoothly.  He prefers being in my home but doesn't want his mother to know it.  In 2011 I sought and became the Legal Guardian.  I also sought majority time then but didn't get it until I went back again and got it at the end of 2013.  That's when his mother had her MOTY bubble burst.  Or maybe it was also that he was not a little kid anymore?  For so long it had been Her and Son against the World.  These days he's at my home most of the time.  If it's her time and she goes to work, she generally drops him off here.

Yes, he's different than he would have been if he had grown up in a calm and stable home.  There's no way to ignore the impact.  But there was no way to stay together, that would have been even worse for him.

[Enabler]

I have 3 girls 9:7/4, they are all emotional in their own little ways. D9 is very possessive and has a very defined and rigerous narrative of what is right, she lacks empathy with D7 and D4 and can't tie together cause and effect of being horrible and possessive over her stuff and her space. D7 is impulsive and easily wounded by rejection, she is very keen to please and show affection. D4 is a master liar and very manipulative. Like all children they have evolved over their lives and although each of them has held various traits consistently through the years they have learnt to deal with them. For example, D9 is anxious by nature, cautious and risk averse. She wants to do what is right, get things right and is a bit of a perfectionist. This is not uncommon for an eldest child. She is learnt cause and effect and that is coming with increasing IQ and maturity.  When I first leaned of BPD and was able to tie back my uBPDw's behaviours to that of a list of symptoms I started to look at my children and get VERY concerned that they acted in a similar way... .in fact I soon tied together why I reacted negatively to their behaviours as they were similar to the experiences I had had with my wife and they were in fact a trigger for me, kinda like PTSD. But they were just being children. It's expected that children act in this way to an extent, but it's their ability to learn and evolve that's the defining point. Our SO's have not learnt the coping mechanisms, they have not evolved and therefore they act like children emotionally. I have used validation and especially AM I MAD protocol described in "when hope is not enough" to great effect with my D7 & D9, not necessarily because they are fledgling BPD's but because actually it's a great way of dealing with an emotionally reactive person whom is struggling to work out what is going on and often masks their primary emotion with a secondary emotion of anger. It helps diffuse a situation and makes them feel like I understand them and get to the core of the problem. i suppose what I'm saying is that we can be hyper vigilant for signs of a problem, and rightly so we should keep it in the back of our minds, but children are emotional and behave like a BPD, but that's because BPD's behave like children.

Re angry dad... .I am a father, I kinda expect to be the one that gets labelled as angry or even scary. Who's going to be more scary, a 15 stone fat bald bloke or a beautiful blonde 9 stone goddess. We could say the same thing with the same level of emotion and I'm always going to scare the bejesus out of the kids more than mummy. It also helps that mummy is the primary attachement milk provider and she can do no wrong. Have a little empathy for when judging, I know there is a line and many people's SO on the board have clearly crossed that line but I would encourage you to see the reaction for what it is rather than tainted by your own fear and loathing of the pwBPD.

[ForeverDad]

I notice how my teen son has behaviors that side more with his mother's.  For example, she and he both have an aversion to shopping.  Get in, get out.  Often as my now-ex worsened she would freak out while in supermarkets, it seemed 10 minutes or so was her limit and she was itching to get gone whereas I could keep shopping totally relaxed until done.  That became a problem as her inconsistent moods worsened.  I would take longer shopping since I didn't know who (moodwise) I would find when I got home.

Yet this does not mean our son is heading down a BPD path.  Some things will just be his natural comfort zone.  Other things may be how the discord and chaos impacted him, in other words, 'fleas' from exposure to BPD behaviors.

He did have counseling from age 3.5 (she was looking for negative advocates) to about age 9.5 (I had gotten full custody and she stopped bringing him).  The counselors were happy he 'graduated', they had hoped counseling would end once the divorce was final but she was still causing such pervasive issues due to her entitlement that they couldn't let him go until I got full custody and she stopped participating.

[so_overit]

Re angry dad... .I am a father, I kinda expect to be the one that gets labelled as angry or even scary. Who's going to be more scary, a 15 stone fat bald bloke or a beautiful blonde 9 stone goddess. We could say the same thing with the same level of emotion and I'm always going to scare the bejesus out of the kids more than mummy. It also helps that mummy is the primary attachement milk provider and she can do no wrong. Have a little empathy for when judging, I know there is a line and many people's SO on the board have clearly crossed that line but I would encourage you to see the reaction for what it is rather than tainted by your own fear and loathing of the pwBPD.

I get that. My STBX cussed in my little one's faces, F'bombs, Fyou, Shutup, screaming over things that were normal kid stuff (like being a kid-eater, not fully aware of all tablemanners, still learning), physical things like shoving, knocking over, called them hateful names when in a rage, etc. When they were playing "I'll be the mean dad" and explained that meant "our dad screams at us", this was not a reaction of mine based on my fear and loathing. This was their 6 yo response to dealing with it. Also maybe a bit too young to know they wouldn't want to tell everyone that at a park.

Thanks all for your responses... . 

[Enabler]

As I said, some people have clearly crossed the line, I'm not instantly going to judge someone who swears and gets in your grid because you've done the smallest thing wrong, it's not how I want to raise my kids but at the same time I'm not sure it's the super damaging behaviour that's necessarily the cause of BPD. Many fathers and mothers have been physically violent, verbally abusive and very strict with their kids... .my feeling is that this in itself is not CONFUSING to kids. If my father hits me for talking when I'm not spoken to, if I stop speaking he will stop hitting me. It's if he hits me for not apparent reason, ignores me for something I did not do, shouts at me for no reason... .well then I cannot tie cause and effect together, I cannot avoid pain because pain follows me regardless of where I hide or what I do. PwBPD are so wrapped up in themselves and external stressors they become emotionally unavailable, they lash out against people whom the event has nothing to do with them, for kids this is monsteroialy confusing and leads to "mummy has to love me because she's mummy, if mummy must love me and she's shouting at me I must be bad, even though o haven't done anything identifiable wrong". That leads to "I am bad" "I am wrong" "I am hideous". The human brain is well adapted to deal with aggression and conflict as long as it can rationalise it, it's when it "cannot compute" it falls down.

I've mentioned before on the board but I found reading "Toxic Parents" astonishingly eye opening reading. Astounding to understand SO's especially ones who have been through abusive trauma .

Tiny iPhone excuse typing errors

[40days_in_desert]

My D16 lives with me and last night asked her uBPDmom if she can borrow a pair of shoes for school the next day. I drove D16 over to uBPDmom's which is only about 2 miles away from our house. My younger kids wanted to see me and it was raining so I went up to the garage door to see them but went back in the truck to wait. D16 was in the garage for about 20 minutes talking to uBPDmom and came back out looking upset. I asked what was wrong and she said, "just things that my mom is trying to put in my head." She said her mom told her that D16's boyfriend's mom was making him break up with D16. uBPDmom hadn't talked to D16's boyfriend's mom. She had come to that determination herself. D16 told me that every time she tried to get a word in about how she felt about that, uBPDmom would talk over her and say, "Are you hearing what I'm saying?" D16 said that she stopped arguing and let her mom feel what she feels and let it be. D16 knows what her reality is and what is not. Very sharp young girl. This is just the latest example of what happens on a regular basis with D16 and her uBPDmom.
Everyone is at least a little different, BPD or not. There is a lot of good advice here. Help your kids process and problem solve emotions as they encounter struggles whether related to the BPD in you life or not.

[so_overit]

I've mentioned before on the board but I found reading "Toxic Parents" astonishingly eye opening reading. Astounding to understand SO's especially ones who have been through abusive trauma .
Tiny iPhone excuse typing errors

thanks for the book rec, I will look for it.

[bengaltropicat]

My two oldest girls were out of college and on their own when their UBPD father and I divorced.  I had a child late in life and she was about 6 when we split up after 28 year marriage. They are all more than OK but each them has sought recovery and understanding in different ways.  

The youngest one was just relieved when we split up.  UBPD ex H remarried immediately and that kind of threw her for a loop because the woman was very narcissistic did not relate to children.  It was an ugly divorce three years out. I learned the hard way not to criticize him; he has a superlative skill at being the victim.  His life essentially blew up after our divorce and he has fallen on hard times.  His current GF is actually a kind woman and has helped smooth the way for my daughter.  The only way I can deal with him is to have minimum contact (pick ups and drop offs only).   He does not participate in decisions nor does he pay anything he agreed to pay like child support.  At this point, I don't even go to court anymore.  He doesn't have money anyway and I could get stuck with his attorneys fees.  I just have to be the grown up and honestly, it is easier not to have to consult or talk with him, I just make all the decisions and pay for everything.  She wanted to go to therapy at the time of the divorce which decision I supported. I don't know what she and the therapist talked about but I do know that it helped to have someone without a dog in the fight to talk with.  Its been 6 years since the divorce and she just asked me to schedule another visit.  She is doing well and is mature beyond her years.  While I would not wish a BPD parent on anyone, sometimes the tough times do make you stronger.  

One of the older girls pursued help with a good therapist and hard self help work.  The other one just pushed forward in her life to get through all of it.  What no one realized during the marriage was that I was the one keeping life as sane as I could.  When he raged (and he is both physically and emotionally violent) I put everyone in the car and we would go to a park or museum or other destination that would get us out of the mix for the 12 or so hours he raged.  When we first divorced, my older children blamed me a lot but as time wound out, they realized that I was not manipulating or lying about anything.  I would listen when they called crying about him but no judging.  I had enough on my plate learning not to fall into the co-dependent trap again. Both of the older children have great careers and relationships that work and they both are happy with themselves now.  :)ad still hits them up for money and a spin on the crazy train from time to time but they are fine.  

I think he is afraid of losing complete contact with the children, especially the youngest one.  He can't hurt us anymore. After years of being punished, humiliated, lied to and beaten, I'm a survivor.  He couldn't defeat me then and he certainly won't defeat me now.  He's kind of like the crazy uncle who everyone sees at the holidays but no one hangs out with.

BTW,  I read everything I could get my hands on to understand BPD's and how to deal with them.  There is one book by a lawyer in California, last name Eddy about high conflict divorces which was especially good.  I'm a divorce lawyer and even with years of experience he provided a road map to how to get through high conflict divorce. Best resource and there are others recommended on this site.  Forewarned is forearmed.  I also went to therapy for about a year and a half. I have not had he need to return to therapy in last few years.  Life is very good.

[Panda39]

I see the effects of my SO's uBPDxw on their daughters. When I first met the girls they were 10 and 14 and mom had primary physical custody.  :)10 was IMO being infantized... .sucked her thumb, had a blankie, still believed in Santa Claus. D10 was and still is the scapegoat child.  :)14 was parentalized and was the caretaker of not only her mother but of her sister she was and is the Golden Child.

Both girls were used as weapons by their mother against their father... .parental alienation.  They spied on him, went through his things, went through his phone texts, stole his laptop to try and hack into it and reported back to their mother.  They also made false allegations of abuse against him.

Meanwhile their mother was making false promises about everything... .her jobs (there were none), the houses she was going to buy (with $1,200 a mo alimony?  ), the cars she was going to get etc.  She was both neglectful (didn't get daughter with a toothache to the dentist for 3 mos, pulled older daughter out of HS to on-line home school her but did nothing) and overly indulgent sent one daughter to camp out of state for the summer (we later found out this was never paid for) and sent other daughter to europe (have no idea how or if this was paid for).  

Both girls were continually being promised things and lied to... .enough of the promises happened that they still believed their mom.  Their mom might lie and screw over other people but she would never do that to them.

I should add that the girls were in therapy but the court put mom in charge of Therapy and found a therapist that she could walk all over to the point of crashing the girls therapy sessions and making them about her.  The girls couldn't trust the therapist.

All of the chaos, false promises, demands that she side with mom and shun dad etc. landed their younger daughter then 13 in the hospital for making suicide threats, she ended up inpatient for 2 weeks.  This crisis was a blessing, while inpatient her phone was taken away so mom who used and still uses the phone as a means of control was cut off except for visiting times.  :)13 learned some coping skills, was put on medication for anxiety, and got a new therapist (who is effective and has boundaries around mom).  :)13 was diagnosed with PTSD.

Younger daughter is now 17, she is currently low contact with her mother, via phone calls texts and occasionally lunch or coffee.

Older daughter now 21 had a different journey.  Her mother sent her off to college out east with promises that "the family trust" would pay for school.  :)ad warned his daughter but she needed... .wanted to... .believe her mother.  Remember mom had just come through on a trip to Europe. Well, school was not paid she was told not to come back and now D21 owes the school $15,000 because she believed her mother.  She is currently no contact with her mother.

What is see as the effects of all this... .

D17 - has low self-esteem, struggles with boundaries, struggles with asking for what she needs, is an extreme people pleaser, gets emotionally intimate really quickly without really getting to know someone, her friends also come from dysfunctional families. She is still in therapy 2x a month

D21 - is angry, passive aggressive, also can't ask for what she needs you are supposed to guess and get it right, perfectionist (she has to be "right", still trying to parent her sister, and her friends also come from dysfunctional families. Not in therapy wish she would though to work through her anger in particular.

They both voted with their feet in 2015 and have lived with dad full-time, and they both have boundaries around their mom.  I believe that D17 still hopes her "real" mom her ideal mom is going to show up, but without acknowledging she has a problem and getting a lot of help her mom will stay the same old mom. D20 needs mom to make amends but sadly that isn't likely either.

That being said, I believe both girls are smart, creative, caring, fun, ambitious girls that can do much with their lives in spite of their mother.

Panda39

[polaris9]

I see the effects of my SO's uBPDxw on their daughters. When I first met the girls they were 10 and 14 and mom had primary physical custody.  :)10 was IMO being infantized... .sucked her thumb, had a blankie, still believed in Santa Claus. D10 was and still is the scapegoat child.

I wonder if this is a trait of pwBPD.  My wife also infantizes our D9.  She still drinks from a baby bottle several times a day, wears a diaper at night (and on some days during the weekend) and isn't fully toilet trained as she goes poop in her pants because she says "I can't feel it".  And until recently she slept in our bedroom on a mattress on the floor (but that stopped two months ago).

I have been trying to move her away from these practices but uBPDw promotes them and when I try to stop it 9D says "Mommy lets me do it".  I imagine I should start thinking about therapy to move her away from this.

[polaris9]

BTW,  I read everything I could get my hands on to understand BPD's and how to deal with them.  There is one book by a lawyer in California, last name Eddy about high conflict divorces which was especially good.  I'm a divorce lawyer and even with years of experience he provided a road map to how to get through high conflict divorce. Best resource and there are others recommended on this site.  Forewarned is forearmed.  I also went to therapy for about a year and a half. I have not had he need to return to therapy in last few years.  Life is very good.

Here is a link to that book:  https://www.amazon.ca/Splitting-Protecting-Borderline-Narcissistic-Personality/dp/1608820254

[ForeverDad]

I have been trying to move her away from these practices but uBPDw promotes them and when I try to stop it 9D says "Mommy lets me do it".  I imagine I should start thinking about therapy to move her away from this.

Courts love counseling.  Mommy can't block it if you take it to court.  The monumental task is to get a therapist that is experienced and not easily fooled or conned by mother.  One way suggested here is to research local counselors and make a short list of the best ones who can deal with a controlling parent and accept your insurance.  Then in court present the short list and ask her to pick from the list.  Court will like that approach because it allows mother to participate in the selection.  Don't let her add names or she'll only approve of her gullible counselors.

Also, school counselors may be helpful.

[bengaltropicat]

It would be ideal if we could eliminate the source of all these problems but since that is not possible, here is what I did and it worked out pretty well - excepting course the fact that He HATES any success or improvement in my life, thinks I should support him, and that probably includes his GF's and subsequent wives as well, and any comment reading to me includes multiple curse words and inflammatory speech.
1. found a great therapist who specializes in children and allow my daughter to go there whenever she needs some help.  She only tells me dribs an drabs of what they discuss but it provides a forum and open conversation with a third party who doesn't have an agenda other than to help her. 
2. NC.  NC. NC. It is the only thing that works.  Any conversations about children must be text or email.   If he starts in with the fury behavior, I have evidence I can take to court if that becomes necessary.
3. Do not defend bad behavior, that will normalize it. No one deserves to be treated badly.  From a young age, I told them that it was wrong but except for certain extreme circumstances, there is little I can do to control it.  In that regard, if you can deal with his behavior- which says far more about him than it does about you- you can deal with anything in life. 
4. We report violence to the police - I tell him that on a regular basis. He knows I will do it and he doesn't want to go to jail. 
5. I make sure my children have a phone and I pay the bill.  There is an emergency procedure if they do not feel safe. 

My two oldest did not come out of the unscathed but they have very happy and successful lives as adults.  One seems to have some of his tendencies and she goes out off her way to NOT BE LIKE HIM.  BPD is somewhat controllable.  The caveat is that most BPDs choose to believe the problems do not originate with them and refuse to deal with their problems, preferring to blame others.  My youngest, a teen, is doing fine- does well in school and seems to be dealing as well as could be.  She's with me 93% of the time and that helps too. 
 

[worriedStepmom]

Congratulations on getting yourself and your daughters out of that situation.  Divorce is not easy, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

I'm going to echo everyone else here and highly recommend that you get your girls into therapy ASAP.   When I divorced (a man without a personality disorder), my 5-year-old had a lot of anger, and therapy really helped her.  My son was only 18 months old then, but there was enough residual trauma that I put him in therapy when he turned 8, and he's now on anti-anxiety meds.

My H divorced when their daughter was 2.  uBPDxw had primary legal custody, but H had almost 50% physical custody.  SD never got punished at her mom's house, nor did she have chores.  She was, however, trained to manage mom's emotions, and she got a full diet of "daddy is going to take you away from me / worriedstepmom is evil". 

Our strategy is to validate, validate, validate SD.  When she repeats her mom's crazy talk, we ask what she thinks and feels about that, and validate those feelings. We don't explain a lot, unless she wants us to.  We have expectations for her, and consequences if she doesn't meet them. Our words match our actions, and we explain a lot why we make the choices that we do.

 We also don't ever speak negatively about her mom in front of her.  For a long time, H would just refer to "the way your mom is/reacts" when he had to address particular incidents of crazy.    No judgement - it's just how she is. 

We also worked really hard on teaching SD to emotionally regulate herself.  Her mom shows her the exact opposite, so it took work to explain the benefits of managing your own emotions.

SD hit her maximum stress threshold in the spring, when she was almost 11.  H put her directly in therapy (over her mom's objections).   He also told her for the first time why they divorced - because he realized no one should have to live in that emotionally fraught environment full-time, and it was his job to protect her.  He explained that it was time to protect her again, and then filed for primary legal and physical custody.  She was relieved.

As a homeschooling mom, it is likely you will end up with primary custody, which is a big point in your children's favor.   Make sure that your decree says that you have sole rights to make mental health decisions, because people with BPD tend to be verrrry unhappy with therapists who don't immediately side with them.

I'd try to make extra efforts to ensure your kids are around other kids who are experiencing similar life changes.  Many towns have Divorce Care sessions, and they hold one for the kids at the same time as the one for the parents.   

You will probably need to give them extra reassurance that the divorce is not their fault.  Almost all kids think divorce is because of them, and since your ex is angry a lot, that will reinforce that perspective for them.  I recommend the book "An Umbrella for Alex" for your daughters - it is a children's book that explains that the parent's unstable emotions are not the kids' fault, without ever labeling BPD.

Take care of yourself, too.  You CAN do this.

[scraps66]

My story is similar to what ForeverDad recants.  Married to exwNPDBPD soon after "I forgot to take my birth control" in 2004.  The story is told very well in the article, "Blackmailed into Fatherhood."  I believe I filed for divorce fall of 2009 after we had a second son in 2007.  Now they are S11 and S14. 

The relationship dynamics changed dramatically after ex got pregnant, dramatically again after he was born, etc.  Nearly all of the time we were together there was arguing and belittling in front of S14.  It was just bad and would get worse.  I decided it was just not good for us to be together in this way and filed for divorce.  We were separated but lived together for a year.

At some point during that year another parent, mother, confided in me and told me of what was going on with S14 during the days when they were out with other families.  The primary story was S14s behavior at the pool with other kids, he was beginning to hit other kids. So much so the other kids were shunning him at the pool.  Mother was oblivious.  Oblivious or was reluctant to admit there was a problem.  I see that posture from mother to this day.  Denying the bad behaviors.

These bad behaviors have now grown.  S14 behaves badly in school, is doing poorly in many of his classes at school even math (mother is a proclaimed educator and math teacher), has few friends, and shows little interest in anything but his phone, computer or playstation. 

"We" have tried and continue to try therapy.  It is a constant battle of fighting mother's opposition to anything I suggest.  She generally does not support any type of therapy for S14 and in many cases, like a typical BP, will sabotage or destroy anything she can't control. 

The effectiveness of therapy depends on several factors,  getting the right therapist or at least being able to maintain a consistency of getting to therapy sessions.  Also, the therapist must be aware of the dynamics.  In many too many cases our therapists, marriage counselors too, were reluctant to acknowledge or address the issues between parents affecting the children, "can I collect your copay, please."  I continue to wonder if the child's therapist should be someone aware of BPD. 

     

 

[Enabler]

I wonder if this is a trait of pwBPD.  My wife also infantizes our D9.  She still drinks from a baby bottle several times a day, wears a diaper at night (and on some days during the weekend) and isn't fully toilet trained as she goes poop in her pants because she says "I can't feel it".  And until recently she slept in our bedroom on a mattress on the floor (but that stopped two months ago).

My W cannot compute that children will typically take path of least resistance. Combine this with her inability to tolerate the stress of maintaining rules or boundaries situations where kids might run a mock arise e.g.
- D5 still gets into bed with her every night. W complains and gets cross with D5 but does nothing about it because when she has attempted to D5 screams and shouts. I'm pretty confident that D5 would require 2 weeks tops of consistent tough love to ensure she stayed in her own bed all night.
- D5 is still in pullups at night, not ridiculous but D10 was also in pull ups until age 8. W claimed there was a medical issue resulting in her not waking up... .D10 eventually got a wee alarm which funnily enough not once went off and she's now dry at night. I was screamed at for suggesting we just needed to do a week or 2 of no pullups.
- D5 is getting in trouble at school for being disruptive in school. She has not learnt/been taught basic skills that would enable her to pay attention. Things like 'sometimes we have to do things we don't like', 'listen when an adult is speaking'. My D5 doesn't actually believe that she is a child at all, she certainly doesn't believe that she should be subordinate to her mother. she has lost confidence in my W's empty threats and flip-flopping boundaries. There is no consistency.

I will admit that my boundaries were probably too tight and too fiercely defended 2yrs ago, things have changed, things had to change but my arsenal of parenting weapons now is soo much better now. I get to stay centered, I don't have to get angry, I don't have to make threats and I can walk away from a disciplining situation feeling good about what I have done rather than ashamed of getting angry with my kids. I am also aware more of stepping into my wife's mess to be the bad guy, I am very comfortable with staying on the sidelines despite her attempts to loop me in. Previously I never walked away from a boundary enforcement as anything other than the perpetrator.

Life is better this way... .but I'm not sure my W likes it as it highlights her chaos.

Enabler