She is on a dating site

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi All,

I am in the final hours of my relationship with my exBPDgf and I am just a shell of myself. Her behaviour has now become totally erratic and so has mine to cope with what has been happening.

I long to be over this part of my life and the coming months, yet I struggle to keep what few flames still exist alive and burning. I've been here before and have previously saved the relationship for the time being but I see virtually no hope now (at least without completely giving up all self respect and further destroying myself, my financial position and any hope of recovery in the future).

The last two days have consisted of;

I saw her on Sunday morning to bring her belongings back and stayed for a few hours. When I left I was crying and thought I had said goodbye for the last time. Mind you, I have many times before thought I had said goodbye for the last time. Within 10 minutes she had called me and offered to allow me to spend the next two nights with her for $500. I accepted and went back to her house.

Last night (Monday night), we had a great evening. We talked a lot, went out for dinner, fed each other dessert in bed, had a lot of sex, watched movies in bed, cuddled etc... .Things were lovely. I must have fallen asleep around 2am with her in my arms. I wake up at 6am with a fright and look at her, she quickly hides her phone which she was using. I ask what she's doing and she makes a stupid excuse and goes to the toilet. While she is in the toilet I quickly grab my ipad and can see that she had just been on an internet dating site (again). She comes back into the room and I say nothing more about it, when she comes back into bed she initiates intimacy with me performs oral
sex on me.

We both fall back asleep and I wake up really late for work at 10am. I can see she is extremely agitated. I give her the money that she had demanded but she gets angry, she wants more. She wants half the rent for the past 6 weeks since the time that she kicked me out of the room we were renting together and for me to allow her to keep my part of the bond (btw, I don't need to rent a room with her, I have my own house which I am paying a substantial mortgage on but that she refuses to visit). She just starts throwing ridiculous and hurtful statements at me and gets really angry.

I have now been at work for a number of hours and am totally lost as to what to do.

Thanks for listening to the insane situation I have managed to get myself in.
 

[snowmonkey]

Hi All,

I am in the final hours of my relationship with my exBPDgf and I am just a shell of myself. Her behaviour has now become totally erratic and so has mine to cope with what has been happening.

I long to be over this part of my life and the coming months, yet I struggle to keep what few flames still exist alive and burning. I've been here before and have previously saved the relationship for the time being but I see virtually no hope now (at least without completely giving up all self respect and further destroying myself, my financial position and any hope of recovery in the future).

The last two days have consisted of;

I saw her on Sunday morning to bring her belongings back and stayed for a few hours. When I left I was crying and thought I had said goodbye for the last time. Mind you, I have many times before thought I had said goodbye for the last time. Within 10 minutes she had called me and offered to allow me to spend the next two nights with her for $500. I accepted and went back to her house.

Last night (Monday night), we had a great evening. We talked a lot, went out for dinner, fed each other dessert in bed, had a lot of sex, watched movies in bed, cuddled etc... .Things were lovely. I must have fallen asleep around 2am with her in my arms. I wake up at 6am with a fright and look at her, she quickly hides her phone which she was using. I ask what she's doing and she makes a stupid excuse and goes to the toilet. While she is in the toilet I quickly grab my ipad and can see that she had just been on an internet dating site (again). She comes back into the room and I say nothing more about it, when she comes back into bed she initiates intimacy with me performs oral
sex on me.

We both fall back asleep and I wake up really late for work at 10am. I can see she is extremely agitated. I give her the money that she had demanded but she gets angry, she wants more. She wants half the rent for the past 6 weeks since the time that she kicked me out of the room we were renting together and for me to allow her to keep my part of the bond (btw, I don't need to rent a room with her, I have my own house which I am paying a substantial mortgage on but that she refuses to visit). She just starts throwing ridiculous and hurtful statements at me and gets really angry.

I have now been at work for a number of hours and am totally lost as to what to do.

Thanks for listening to the insane situation I have managed to get myself in.
 

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

While she is in the toilet I quickly grab my ipad and can see that she had just been on an internet dating site (again)... .// ... .when she comes back into bed she initiates intimacy

This certainly has to be impossible to reconcile in your own mind. It sounds like you are in that stage of codependency where you want the relationship more than her (or things are too calm and she wants to get on the edge a bit more).

Saving the relationship isn't always "saving it". Sometimes you have to pull back to establish respect - it's that whole values and boundaries thing.  When you don't, the enmeshment and enabling can set in.

Can you do this is a constructive and firm way - don't burn the bridge, but get off the roller coaster? Are you emotionally able to do this with strength and confidence - take a therapeutic separation if need be (don't tell her that you'll be waiting) - the thing that originally attracted her to you?

What are you thought? You might want to run down how you would do this here and get feedback - less emotional eyes looking in.

[flourdust]

Within 10 minutes she had called me and offered to allow me to spend the next two nights with her for $500. I accepted and went back to her house.

You know, there's a word for that... .

[snowmonkey]

Thanks for the replies.

I am certain you are correct OnceRemoved, I want this to work more than she does. In my mind I have put this down to currently being painted black and have somehow tolerated the abuse and (so far) the emotional infidelity that she has perpetrated on me.

I understand what you say about pulling back and establishing respect. Indeed, I know that this is the case and I had reached that conclusion on my own. However, the thing that I believe I can never tolerate is knowing that she has physically been with anyone else, regardless of whether we were having a break or not. The moment she is with another man is the moment that she will cease to exist to me. So the problem with pulling back is that it leaves her alone and idle and desperate to fill that gap in her life with another.

I guess I am stuck right now, I am half way between believing there is a future together and her illness is currently painting me black and between believing that she is completely over me and her illness is keeping her reaching out because she is scared of not having someone there for her.

[once removed]

i certainly understand feeling stuck and torn in this situation. it feels like damned if you do, damned if you dont.

i think the point here is that thats a difficult position in which to improve a relationship. many of your actions and reactions are based on predicting what she may or may not do (also understandable, weve all walked on eggshells).

in order for this to work, or improve, you have to be willing to draw certain lines, and treat yourself with respect. its not a guarantee. it does give you the best shot. saving can also entail maintaining your dignity, however it goes.

I guess I am stuck right now, I am half way between believing there is a future together and her illness is currently painting me black and between believing that she is completely over me and her illness is keeping her reaching out because she is scared of not having someone there for her.

her illness is part of her personality. it isnt a force controlling her that switches on and off, its a series of maladaptive coping mechanisms and emotional immaturity. it doesnt sound like she is completely over you, it also doesnt sound like she has painted you black, but it does sound like the entire situation is unstable/not sustainable. you have more power over that than it might seem now; it lies with you, and it must start with you, and if you grasp that you will be in a much better place going forward.

[snowmonkey]

Thanks OnceRemoved,

An update on the situation;

I have just left her place after spending the night with her again. After some initial coldness and me helping her out once more with sorting out her life and agreeing that she could pay me the money she owes me later in the future we had a big talk.

I drew a line in the sand by saying that I would never take her back under any condition if she was ever with another man. I told her that I would view a break and her seeing someone in between reviving the relationship with me as tantamount to me giving permission for her to have an affair and I would lose all self-respect and no longer have a desire to be with her if allowed this to happen. I think I worded these things better than I have reported here and made it clear that I was not saying that she could not do certain things, but that this is my boundary. These words seemed to have some effect and she exhibited great sadness at the thought that we might never see each other again. Whilst it is obvious to me that she may still very well try to step over that boundary, I think she has taken what I said to heart and is certainly entertaining second thoughts.

My intuition is that she would like to keep me as a friend for now and have the freedom to go off and see other people and seek to reconcile in the future. But who knows what she is thinking/feeling really? I believe that she had hoped she could do this clandestinely and have me as a backup but her plans were foiled once I had discovered her intentions.

Anyway, after the conversation we made love (there's been more sex in the month since the break-up than there had been in the 6 months earlier). We then spent the rest of the night being affectionate to one another and telling each other how much we love the other.

When I had left she was content and sleepy. That said, I am 90% sure the next time I hear from her it will be to reprimand me on something. It will be; why are you doing this to me I told you I didn't want to be with you, or why did you leave your t-shirt here, or 3 weeks ago you told me you'd help clean the fridge out and you haven't. I am just sitting here waiting for it... .

The joys of loving someone with BPD! At least, I am feeling a bit better about the situation. The chances of this working are no worse than they were yesterday and if they don't, I can walk away with some self-respect and I know that I did everything I could and far more than I should for this woman.

[Xstang77]

I've been where you are man and it's not easy... my straight forward opinion from experience... .your going to get burned most likely bad. The dating site means she's looking for another attachment and if she finds one you'll most likely be treated like dirt and forgotten,as hard as it is you can't control what she does,your safest and most difficult option right now is to walk away... she is devaluing you,mine would Instantly be on dating sights when we would be in between recycles,she even told me she missed me etc. the same day she made a new dating profile,she never found a good replacement all the other times but this time she has or atleast is on to her second one and she's gone.