I want my Gf back.

[CryWolf]

I’ve been doing so well the past week. Moving on, and keeping myself busy and doing activities to improve myself. However, today is so difficult and all I want to do is reach out and can’t stop thinking about them. I will not break no contact though no matter how hard it gets. Stay strong everyone.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[once removed]

Whats your guess on why she might be doing it?

i think some form of attention, like you were suggesting, is probably up the right alley.

I’ve been doing so well the past week. Moving on, and keeping myself busy and doing activities to improve myself. However, today is so difficult and all I want to do is reach out and can’t stop thinking about them. I will not break no contact though no matter how hard it gets. Stay strong everyone.

hang in there. youre making great progress; keep it up.

[CryWolf]

She reposted an image that said; how when her horoscope is done with someone, "they will walk from arguments with no desire to solve it and become less affectionate". Then she wrote, "i get very apathetic and cold" underneath the pic.

seems like she is done for good after seeing this.

[once removed]

CryWolf,

i dont recommend using her social media to get an accurate gauge on how shes feeling about any of this. ive done it, most of us have, but its far too easy to make more out of what is there or isnt there.

[CryWolf]

CryWolf,

i dont recommend using her social media to get an accurate gauge on how shes feeling about any of this. ive done it, most of us have, but its far too easy to make more out of what is there or isnt there.

You’re right. It just gets hard when it’s the only thing you have that can somehow connect to them.

She recently posted something saying how she wants to “kiss someone unexpectedly”.
Not sure what to make of this.

[JoeBPD81]

That can only hurt you.

When I divorced, I made sure not to post about my new experiences with another woman, because it would hurt my ex. That ended up hurting my new partner. I stay away from social media now, and I'm happy I did it.

Maybe you can block her, even temporarily.

[once removed]

people post all sorts of musings in blogs and social media. its natural, especially in this kind of situation, to ask ourselves how it pertains to us.

it’s the only thing you have that can somehow connect to them.

advice here can get tricky, because this is the Bettering or Reversing a breakup board, and you want to reconnect, and we want to help you do that. where it gets tricky, is that a level of detachment (first) is more likely to help you do that. you are largely doing that. youre giving space. youre living your life. its helping you, and it also looks like shes taken notice. but if she came back tomorrow, do you feel youd be ready, not sink into the old ways, enter the relationship with a completely different approach, and execute it with strength?

i agree with JoeBPD81 that it might be a good idea to not check the social media, and not cling to that connection. i remember when my ex dumped me, and i was going crazy wondering if i ever even crossed her mind. her social media showed no sign of it, though i would filter everything through the prism of what it had to do with me. then about a month out, i discovered she was getting into my email address and reading facebook messages that were sent to me. i let her for another two months or so, because i wanted her back, and it was my only connection, the only way i knew she was thinking of me. long story short, i eventually had to change my password. it really broke my heart to do it, and i went into a deep depression. and then i emerged feeling much better, with a completely different attitude.

it doesnt have to be that dramatic. but it will help to get her out of your daily thoughts and life, and to feel less in the thick of things. it will help you mentally first and foremost, and that will in turn help your chances.

[JoeBPD81]

I'm sorry I replied so briefly. And my post is confusing.

I read an article once that said, in essence: "The only way to have someone back is to let them go". Basically because the only way that counts, is that they WANT to come back.

I'm sorry for the simil, but when you have a dog on a lease, he usually tries to pull away. You walk him free, and he comes and goes, but he always comes back.

The other message is that social media is not real life. Is the store window, that is flashy and beautiful, interesting, changing... .When maybe the store is a complete mess. Even the one posting can't control how the message is received by other people. And sometimes we are not aware who's reading, and who can be hurt or offended by our words. The reader always tries to understand how the meaning is directed to him, but maybe it had nothing to do with him. 

Do yourself a favor and don't speculate. The facts are painful enough. Don't hurt yourself trying to find a hurtful meaning when you are not a 100% sure it means that. No evidence, no fact.

And yes, this is having in mind that you want her back. You want to have your strength when the moment comes, if you do things that hurt yourself, you're losing that. 

[CryWolf]

people post all sorts of musings in blogs and social media. its natural, especially in this kind of situation, to ask ourselves how it pertains to us.

advice here can get tricky, because this is the Bettering or Reversing a breakup board, and you want to reconnect, and we want to help you do that. where it gets tricky, is that a level of detachment (first) is more likely to help you do that. you are largely doing that. youre giving space. youre living your life. its helping you, and it also looks like shes taken notice. but if she came back tomorrow, do you feel youd be ready, not sink into the old ways, enter the relationship with a completely different approach, and execute it with strength?

If she does come back tomorrow, I am not sure. I am constantly learning and bettering myself. I am learning to be strong and learning about her BPD and all these tools. So I don't think i'm entirely ready to be the best version of myself yet.

You are right. I am trying to detach, however, I cant stop myself from checking her blog. I have to know if she still misses me or even thinks about me in any sense by her posts. I want to know if is even remotely feeling any pain or sadness or if she just moved on like I never meant anything.  This isn't healthy, and I know she wont ever admit it on her blog. My female bestfriend knows the situation very well, and tells me that my ex posts all these things because she knows i'm checking her blog and its to get a rise out of me and she is being petty. She told me a majority of girls are this way including herself. Me being a guy, I think logically and take things for face value but I am learning from you guys.

I seen her again yesterday with that guy/classmate she was with 2 weeks ago. And there were some other classmates around too. She looked happy from the quick glance I had at her. I shouldn't speculate, I know...

I hear the phrase, "woman are like cats. they will come and go on their terms. if you chase a cat they will always run away. "

Thank you for the informative and wise information Once removed & JoeBPD81

I am taking in all this information you guys are feeding me and ever since I joined this site, I see my anxiety getting better each and everyday.

As bad as this sounds, I want her to feel desperate and miss me like never before.

[once removed]

If she does come back tomorrow, I am not sure. I am constantly learning and bettering myself. I am learning to be strong and learning about her BPD and all these tools. So I don't think i'm entirely ready to be the best version of myself yet.

youve come a long way, in a short time. youre making a lot of progress.

My female bestfriend knows the situation very well, and tells me that my ex posts all these things because she knows i'm checking her blog and its to get a rise out of me and she is being petty. She told me a majority of girls are this way including herself. Me being a guy, I think logically and take things for face value but I am learning from you guys.

i agree with your friend. im not sure its true of the majority of women, but its true that a lot of men and women like to air dirty laundry on social media or elsewhere. people with BPD, as well, can get fairly vindictive.

I hear the phrase, "woman are like cats. they will come and go on their terms. if you chase a cat they will always run away. "

just a word of caution: generalizing about the opposite sex can get tricky fast. i felt the same way, before, during, and after my ex. i more or less thought "all women are like this". thats just not true. there are plenty of women well equipped for a healthy relationship. what is true is that both sexes (healthy and unhealthy) are attracted to confidence and self assuredness. chasing is neither of those things.

As bad as this sounds, I want her to feel desperate and miss me like never before.

i think what youre doing is working, it just may be hard to see, and its kind of a leap of faith. from over here, i think youre playing your cards right, and clearly, she thinks of you.

[CryWolf]

just a word of caution: generalizing about the opposite sex can get tricky fast. i felt the same way, before, during, and after my ex. i more or less thought "all women are like this". thats just not true. there are plenty of women well equipped for a healthy relationship. what is true is that both sexes (healthy and unhealthy) are attracted to confidence and self assuredness. chasing is neither of those things.

I can see how I perhaps used the wrong words, and had no intention to generalize. Thank you for clearing that up for me.

i think what youre doing is working, it just may be hard to see, and its kind of a leap of faith. from over here, i think youre playing your cards right, and clearly, she thinks of you.

Thank you for the reassurance!

I want to give a little update. I went on this meetup/maybe date? with this girl i met at the gym and her sister and boyfriend. The girl invited me to my exes favorite restaurant. At first, I felt "oh god"... But soon was just excited and didnt think much about my ex at all. That whole area/location reminded me of my ex. I became weak and had to check her blog. When I did, I saw this.

I went on her blog again, and this time she wrote so much about what she hated about me.

She compared me to her ex (which she knows i hate). She was mentioning how "all" guys shes been with (her ex and I) are:

-"A term called "F-Boy" that is defined "guy who doesn't respect women, yet relies on them heavily. He's a guy who's distant, doesn't care about other people's time, and won't commit. He's self-absorbed and is never looking for anything serious relationship-wise."

She also said: "Always broke, care more about their hobby than her, hypocrite, "scrub", dont like to dress up, blaming her on our weight gain, don't know how to cook, rely on parents too much, no ambition, fine with having a stagnant life, complain a lot even though having the ability to change their situation, much more to list."

So much of this is not even true and she's just starting things or seeing things how she wants. I remember she would argue about these things in the relationship and I would have to go and "defend" myself or explain myself just for her to see my point of view. it hardly ever worked.

For example, I lost a lot of weight before I met her and was on a strict diet. I have a huge problem with sweets. She would bring sweets over, and I would tell her not to and so would my grandparents. Diabetes runs in the family and i am trying to avoid it. She would still bring them over and i appreciated it but she would tell me "its not for me to eat all at once and control myself" but i told her i really cant control myself with sweets and for her to stop. she didnt stop until it became a fight. I felt like she was sabatoging my diet, because she did mention once "I feel like you will leave me once you get skinny" or "i like you better with a stomach". other times she was supportive of my diet. So idk.

I'm not a good cook, but I try to learn cooking. I make simple chicken breast and brown rice for my meal prep. I try new recipes. She likes some of my dishes. My ex hardly ever ate at home. Her parents dont cook and she doesnt like spending money or buying groceries. So i would cook and drop food off for her. i know it wasnt the best but i cared about her well being.

Talking about this is making me realize how long I've came and can see through her words and actions. She's saying all these things I know im not. Usually I'd hear this and think "Oh i have to show her im not that and try harder". But now I am a bit more confident and dont really allow this to get to me. It is annoying because I dont know why and my internal self wants to know why. But like we keep saying maybe its for attention, and me being distant is allowing her feelings to settle.

[CryWolf]

I can see where she is coming from though. Her ex was a total POS. His family and him treated her so terrible and she experienced some traumatic things with him. He was emotionally abusive and manipulative. He cheated on her and never put her needs first.

I, however, was different than that. I can see her point about complaining a lot. I tend to vent/complain when I’m stressed in school. It’s me releasing my stress. Also, when we go to a restaurant. I get upset when the food is terrible and I complain to her a little bit because I want the experience to be really good and always want the best moments with her. But I realized some things are out of my control. And I can tell how my complaining was pretty toxic. I don’t think I complained a lot. But maybe to her I did. Also maybe I picked up on it because of her moments when she’s in a state of crisis so I thought it would be okay to vent to each other.

[once removed]

have you read about Splitting yet?

there is a common theme you will often find in a lot of people with BPD (i want to stress that its not limited to or unique to BPD, but it is a common coping/defense mechanism), when it comes to ex partners, and present ones. what shes doing is familiar. its a coping mechanism.

dont put too much stock into it (it doesnt sound like you are). Splitting can swing wildly back and forth.

ride it out. dont react. try not to take it personally. youll come out looking classy, and strong, which is attractive.

how did you feel about the date?

to put it kind of simply, dating can either be a good or a bad thing. it can be getting back to normal, having fun, a good distraction, and a validating experience. it can also be an escape, you can be vulnerable, a lot of us use it in order to avoid our pain and replace the other person. i think if you take it slowly, dont over invest, and focus on getting to know people, get to know yourself, practice your tools, and have fun, youll do just fine. what do you think?

"I feel like you will leave me once you get skinny" or "i like you better with a stomach". other times she was supportive of my diet.

sometimes our partners are a lot more clear communicators than we give them credit for. that tells you everything. you changing, working on yourself, having your attention elsewhere, can feel very threatening for someone with BPD. those abandonment fears are always looming. its a tough line to walk; its very important for you to do those things, to enjoy your best life, have a strong support system, but our partners can be easily triggered, and need a lot of reassurance.

it is possible, by the way, that the way shes behaving on social media has a lot to do with these fears, and the changes youre making.

cooking is a great hobby. i dug into it myself after my breakup. lots of women really dig a good cook.

[Wildboar]

For example, I lost a lot of weight before I met her and was on a strict diet. I have a huge problem with sweets. She would bring sweets over, and I would tell her not to and so would my grandparents. Diabetes runs in the family and i am trying to avoid it. She would still bring them over and i appreciated it but she would tell me "its not for me to eat all at once and control myself" but i told her i really cant control myself with sweets and for her to stop. she didnt stop until it became a fight. I felt like she was sabatoging my diet, because she did mention once "I feel like you will leave me once you get skinny" or "i like you better with a stomach". other times she was supportive of my diet. So idk.

Hi there again CryWolf!

Wow, this reminds me a lot of the very last time I met my ex, before she suddenly became distant and asked me to stop everything because she was afraid of losing me. I had shown her that I had started to work out... .
And now that makes a lot of sense, for a pwBPD, in fact for anyone anxious enough, the fact of making yourself more attractive in general probably triggers a strong inner fear. I bet that as you kept your diet, she was very likely thinking "It's so that in case it ends with me, he'll be able to run to another girl right away." It makes a lot of sense actually, but it shows that lack of trust in general... .


As for dating, as once removed said, be careful! Be careful of rebound relationships... .for me, after breakups, I have this tendency to talk to a bunch of girls because it partially fills that void... .in a pretty unhealthy way. I make sure I don't get into anything serious until it feels absolutely right. If you ever have the doubt of falling into a rebound, try to question yourself if this is really gonna do anything good to you (and to the other one, because it sucks to be the victim of a rebound)
But of course, it does certainly not mean staying away from dates, meeting new people, etc. Socializing is probably the best therapy, so go for it!

[CryWolf]

have you read about Splitting yet?

there is a common theme you will often find in a lot of people with BPD (i want to stress that its not limited to or unique to BPD, but it is a common coping/defense mechanism), when it comes to ex partners, and present ones. what shes doing is familiar. its a coping mechanism.

dont put too much stock into it (it doesnt sound like you are). Splitting can swing wildly back and forth.

ride it out. dont react. try not to take it personally. youll come out looking classy, and strong, which is attractive.

Yes, I have done some research into splitting and black and white thinking. I know that a pwBPD can switch between back and forth, but how do you get placed back into the "white" if you are in no contact? I know not to put all my time and thought into what she's doing but I do feel in a sense, good that she's even talking about me on her blog. Even though its not good things.

how did you feel about the date?

to put it kind of simply, dating can either be a good or a bad thing. it can be getting back to normal, having fun, a good distraction, and a validating experience. it can also be an escape, you can be vulnerable, a lot of us use it in order to avoid our pain and replace the other person. i think if you take it slowly, dont over invest, and focus on getting to know people, get to know yourself, practice your tools, and have fun, youll do just fine. what do you think?

[quote author=Wildboar link=topic=321630.msg12948801#msg12948801 date=1521227079

As for dating, as once removed said, be careful! Be careful of rebound relationships... .for me, after breakups, I have this tendency to talk to a bunch of girls because it partially fills that void... .in a pretty unhealthy way. I make sure I don't get into anything serious until it feels absolutely right. If you ever have the doubt of falling into a rebound, try to question yourself if this is really gonna do anything good to you (and to the other one, because it sucks to be the victim of a rebound)
But of course, it does certainly not mean staying away from dates, meeting new people, etc. Socializing is probably the best therapy, so go for it!
[/quote]

Hey Wildboar!

I agree with both of you! I didn't think much of the date to be honest. It was fun to get out and socialize and meet new people. I found myself comparing her to my ex in my mind and this is normal but not healthy. I am still not "detached from my ex" and dont want to jump into something new. I am in no way ready to jump into a relationship or even be serious with someone for a while. I am enjoying learning and growing at this time. I hate the situation, but I am slowly embracing it everyday.

I am noticing, that girls are giving me attention at this time. Whether its at the store, or school. I see the glances, and honestly it feels good. A bit narcissistic but its okay to feel like Brad Pitt sometimes.  

[once removed]

I know that a pwBPD can switch between back and forth, but how do you get placed back into the "white" if you are in no contact?

its not something that is really contact dependent, or that you can necessarily influence. think of it this way, though: ever been really mad at somebody? held a grudge for a while? then you recall something that you liked about that person. something that you miss. and now youre not mad, youre not even quite sure why you were. its akin to that, its just that your feelings may not be quite as prone to fluctuating in extremes.

I do feel in a sense, good that she's even talking about me on her blog. Even though its not good things.

i think thats a good attitude.

I didn't think much of the date to be honest. It was fun to get out and socialize and meet new people.

i think that is too. it doesnt sound like youre putting too many eggs in that basket, and have your head on your shoulders about it.

I am noticing, that girls are giving me attention at this time. Whether its at the store, or school. I see the glances, and honestly it feels good. A bit narcissistic but its okay to feel like Brad Pitt sometimes.  

hey, attention from the opposite sex isnt meant to feel bad   good for you man  

[CryWolf]

its not something that is really contact dependent, or that you can necessarily influence. think of it this way, though: ever been really mad at somebody? held a grudge for a while? then you recall something that you liked about that person. something that you miss. and now youre not mad, youre not even quite sure why you were. its akin to that, its just that your feelings may not be quite as prone to fluctuating in extremes.

Yea I get what you mean! I’m looking back now and wonder what me and her even argued/fought about most of the time. It seems so minuscule looking back now. I am realizing more and more that our arguments were both of us loving each other extremely to the point we didn’t know how to express it and getting lost in translation over text.

The weekends are the worst when it comes to not thinking about her. Because all I want to do is say,” hey get ready let’s do this”. And she was always down for me.

I have moments where I resent and anger towards her... I have moments I’m embracing the single life and happy I’m not walking on egg shells anymore.  I have moments I miss her like crazy and want to talk to her. It’s a whirlwind of emotions. But in the end it comes back to me missing her smile and her voice and wishing we were talking. But right now I am working on my insecurities and becoming a  strong and secure person I need to become for any relationship in my life.

One of my fears is that she will find someone new. Because when her ex and her broke up, I was right there pushing for something with her. And my anxiety is making me think she will move on to some other guy like she did with me. This is a dangerous road to wander and I shouldn’t think like this. Which is why I am doing my best to be positive and collected. I have the fear that I was never good enough and that’s something I need to work on internally. Which is knowing my worth and value.

Have a great weekend everyone. 

[CryWolf]

I want to see her so bad right now. Ugh.

[CryWolf]

Another moment of weakness for me. Went on her blog and she wrote "I love learning about people. Its so interesting and intimate. Sex is intimate too but getting to truly know someone makes my heart flutter"

I know you guys suggest I should stop looking at her social media but I cant help myself. We stopped being intimate and she told me she wasn't an affectionate person but she was trying, and etc. We had so much sex in the beginning, but then she told me she was asexual and I respected that and didn't push her for sex until she was ready for it.  And now she writes stuff about this? I feel lied to. I feel so low right now, and I am doing my best to not make any scenarios up.

 Where was all this when we were together? Im so angry and devastated. I was about to text her and say "hope your new relationship treats you better" out of spite and anger. But I need to take the high road. I cant show any signs of weak and needy behavior. I really want answers if shes talking to someone new. I feel resentment even though I dont know the truth.

I did so much for her and now I’m full of anger. I’d cook for her. Buy her food, buy her clothes or little presents. I never spoiled her with expensive presents because I am in uni and can’t afford that but yet I still feel like I was never good enough. She told me all the horror stories of her ex yet she’d still compare me to him when she’d get mad in the beginning of the relationship for the longest time. My family welcomed her with open arms. I gave this girl all my notes to pass her classes and even pushed her and helped her find a job that would her her with her profession. I would text her every morning telling her good morning and tell her how beautiful she was. And of course she would reply “wrong girl” insisting she isn’t beautiful and I mistaken her for some other girl she thinks I’m cheating on her with. Ugh. Why do I feel at fault here and feel so inadequate?

[once removed]

Yea I get what you mean! I’m looking back now and wonder what me and her even argued/fought about most of the time. It seems so minuscule looking back now. I am realizing more and more that our arguments were both of us loving each other extremely to the point we didn’t know how to express it and getting lost in translation over text.

its helpful to see this. communication breakdowns arent easy to see at the time. it wasnt until i learned the communication tools that i realized how far off i was with my ex, and how far off i could be with others.

I have moments where I resent and anger towards her... I have moments I’m embracing the single life and happy I’m not walking on egg shells anymore.  I have moments I miss her like crazy and want to talk to her. It’s a whirlwind of emotions.

it can be quite a whirlwind of emotions. what are you doing to process as they come up?

right now I am working on my insecurities and becoming a  strong and secure person I need to become for any relationship in my life.

bingo. you cant go wrong here.

One of my fears is that she will find someone new.

i completely understand that fear. from my position, if it were to happen, i dont see it as a major, long term, threat to your chances. you are playing the long game. obstacles may come up. they dont have to be the be all end all of things.

Another moment of weakness for me. Went on her blog and she wrote "I love learning about people. Its so interesting and intimate. Sex is intimate too but getting to truly know someone makes my heart flutter"

I know you guys suggest I should stop looking at her social media but I cant help myself.

from where i sit, its just the kind of thing people post on a blog; not significant to her, you, or anyone else.

i couldnt help myself for a while either, CryWolf. i just had to reach the decision not to look once i was ready, and then i stuck to it. the problem is that its easy to over analyze, and apply to us, and when things are raw, it can trigger all sorts of ruminations. at the end of the day, it isnt peaceful for you, and it may be fueling your fears. not judging; i did it too.

Where was all this when we were together? Im so angry and devastated. I was about to text her and say "hope your new relationship treats you better" out of spite and anger. But I need to take the high road.

good move; nothing good would have come out of it. its hard to deal with those feelings as they come up, though. writing them here and processing with us can help, i also found that putting the pen to the paper really made a difference.

Why do I feel at fault here and feel so inadequate?

you cant cure another persons low self esteem, CryWolf. thats not inadequacy. its natural to feel that way weve invested so much in another person, but shes a part of the equation too.

the injustice really plagued me too. drove me nuts. practicing Radical Acceptance, over time, tamed those feelings. they will pass.

[CryWolf]

what are you doing to process as they come up?

Hey Once removed, I've been posting on here and rereading our posts. As well as watching some videos regarding no contact.

Update: I went on her blog today, and she wrote out: "These thoughts need to stop"

She also has three random posts with a hashtag and a guys name inserted. Im not sure what these posts mean, and who the guy is.

Post 1: a repost of some cat on a bed.
post 2: a video of a actor saying something about Oprah.
post 3: a video from a scene from parks and recreation.

She has this guys name in a hashtag on these three posts. It is driving me crazy.

I feel like nothing. I feel like I never meant anything to this girl. Do people with BPD just forget their partner and move on to the next one right away? I feel like a worthless person and failure. I love this girl so much and yet here she is giving me the silent treatment, and probably with some other guy and making new memories with them. I am full of hatred, disgust and loss of any hope.

Of course this isnt 100% and speculation but things are adding up. My mind is telling me she is never coming back and is with someone else. But my gut is feeling this is a ploy for attention or she is with someone else. I dont know, and i dont want to be in denial thinking I have some hope.

I asked my female friend and she said she probably found someone and shes been over the relationship and I need to as well. Not what i wanted to hear. I am so heartbroken and feeling worthless.

My expwBPD also has a post where she discusses how she hates when guys put their arms around her and she doesn't know them. Or how recently some creep but his arms around her and tried taking a picture of them together. She then said how she threw his phone across the room and almost broke his arm. My interpretation? Either she wants attention or she is telling the truth. I hate how I don't know. I hate how i am always on hyperdrive. I hate feeling good throughout the day and then getting hit with so many emotions and feeling worthless until I fall asleep.

I cant stop myself from checking her blog. i know we keep discussing this but I cant. It soothes my anxiety checking up on her and I want to know if shes seeing someone or she misses me.

She still has a picture of us on her facebook. We aren't friends on there but I can see it on her album.

Im sorry if Im annoying you all on here. I sound like a broken record and feel like Im not getting anywhere and I'm a nuisance at this point. I hate myself and how I feel. I hate how this girl is moving on and Im here broken and left in pieces. There are days I wish I never woke up.

[JoeBPD81]

Hey Wolf,

I can hear your pain. I wish I understood women, and pwBPD more. It sucks to be in that position. Hang in there, friend!

[Nwish]

Hi CryWolf,

I’m going through the same thing. I totally know what you mean about denial. It’s like we could make more risky or assertive decisions if we only knew the motives behind their actions and words. It’s really hard and it sucks. You are so close one minute and then have no idea what happened and you want to be transported back to an earlier date in time and relive it a different way (if only).

My situation is only a little different because I’m a female with an ex BPDbf. We are also older and there are families involved. He is a little more mature (not much emotionally), but I can see all the mixed signals you see and you just want to know what they want but you don’t want to ask and get rejected.

I’ve decided to step back and not reach out. It crushes me every day because we were such a massive part of each other’s daily lives. Even now ( and we are on good terms, no hatred or fighting), but even now I wonder if he won’t reach out due to shame, attention, lack of caring, or something else.

We want instant gratification. It’s hard to step away and let things run the course when you feel like your only chance is to play the game in order to keep a connection. I often wonder if he’s just waiting for me to beg for him back and he’s thinking I must not care if I’m silent. Sucky, everyday thinking this way is so painful. I decided that I wanted someone who is strong enough to be able to tell me what he wants. The best advice I got was to tell him what I want and then step away. Only problem is that I stepped away without making my wants clear.

Sorry for rambling. There is a sort of peace that comes with knowing that you can only control yourself and the rest is up to her. I can only tell you my only regret is pretending I didn’t care before I walked away. I wish I’d taken that advice early on. You don’t need to be clingy or ask to come back. Just say what you feel and then step away and take care/work on yourself.

I don’t often give advice. I hope it helps a little.

[CryWolf]

HEY all. Thank you for the kind words.

Today I am a huge mess. I am sitting in my car at the moment crying my eyes out as I write this.

I went on her blog today and she has multiple posts since last night with two diff guys names and she talks about. She mentions them in random posts posts about cats or shows. Then she had a post about “the ten forms of twisted thinking” and then she mentions both of them and then says “I love my boys, I know you know that”. Wtf.

She then has a post about how last night she had a conversation with someone taking their shoes off at their door.
Then she posted saying “I love touching people. Small intimate touches. Doesn’t have to be sexual”
she used to tell me all the time she’s wasnt an Intimate or affectionate person. She didn’t like to be touched at times because of her personality. So why is she saying all this NOW?
I lost it and called her. Went straight to voicemail and I’m still blocked. I ended up Facebook messaging her saying, “hey, I hope you’re doing well”

I’m a huge mess and I can not handle this anymore. I thought I was doing fine but I can’t breathe or even have a will to live at this time.

[JoeBPD81]

This too shall pass.

You need to trust there will be life tomorrow, even when you can't see it. I can't imagine my life after living with the love of my life. I went through a divorce 4 years ago ,and I prayed that I would get hit by a bus or something... .But a new life began. And a new life would spring from this one too. Even if I can't picture it now.

Sadness and depression affect our judgements and our perception, specially of time. Everything seems to tell us everything is aligning to confirm how bad things are. But it's not real. This woman doesn't own your life, you do.

Sometimes we can't swim or ride a wave, we have to dive under, and trust that we will breathe better at the other side of it.

Listen, it would be great if you summarize this thread and open a new one, posting a link here, so we can all follow. Because this one is about to reach the max posts allowed.

Now with social media is really hard to stay away, not like when I was young. Try your best to not make life difficult for yourself. You matter. And in a couple of months you could be happier than you ever imagined. Life can surprise you even at 90 years old. Your job is to stay here to see it.

[Wildboar]

Because when her ex and her broke up, I was right there pushing for something with her. And my anxiety is making me think she will move on to some other guy like she did with me.

Wow, I really feel like I'm looking at a reflection of my situation when I read your posts. Me too, I was sort of the guy she'd moved on to after her failed relationship... .And me too, my friends keep telling me this is ridiculous, they keep saying that she's moved on, that I should too.

Obviously BPD isn't as simple as that. PwBPD fluctuate between white and black, so there's a good chance she'll shift back to white... .

Anyway, I can't give much advice because I have the same problem of jealousy; the thought of them being with someone else makes me feel like I'm being twisted from the inside, all I can give is empathy to this situation.

In any case, I think we can all agree that this blog is very very inaccurate at telling her true intentions, her life; Is there no way of blocking the webpage, making it harder to access? To avoid visiting it in moments of crisis.
I feel like it'll do nothing but hurt you, because of all the false ideas it gives you. You have no real idea of what's going on. You're seeing exactly what she wants you to see.
Just keep in mind that she doesn't know you. She doesn't know how to manipulate you, and she's not preparing any far fetched brainwashing attack or anything. Rather, this whole thing is probably a desperate, unhealthy way or attracting attention, even of self-soothing.
I mean, BPD affects self-esteem quite a bit, and posting things like this definitely helps you feel better. It's like putting make-up to cover imperfections on your face; But here it's words to cover up sadness in life.
So yeah, you shouldn't take this seriously, it's a facade. And keep in mind that she thinks you look at the posts, so if you don't read the posts you'll be one step ahead.

In short, her cryptic, strange posts could mean anything; From a desperate attempt to attract your attention, to making you desire her, to an evil plan to make you suffer, to a way of telling you that she has someone else and that you should move on. The possibilities are so vast, that you might as well completely ignore this source of information.
It could mean that she misses you as much as it could mean that she's already moved on. It sadly leads you nowhere.

Anyway, sorry if this post is mostly a repetition, but I wanted to try to give a few more arguments as to why it might be a good idea to find a way to block this site from your phone if it's possible. You could also block her on social medias to stop seeing her posts.

Otherwise, just hang in there bud, I know how hard it is but it's not the end of the world. Just tell yourself how young you are, how many girls you might meet in a lifetime! It's all a matter of time. She is far from being the only person in this world, and just tell yourself that the worst is that could happen, if she really doesn't want to come back, is that you'll fall madly in love with another girl and live happily with her  And what's the best that could happen? That this particular girl you love will come back, and that your love with once again flourish. See? Both situations are great, it's a matter of time and a bit of patience and effort.
I feel your pain, it seems so hard to believe that it could get better, but I know it's possible. You'll just have to be patient for your rational thoughts to transfer onto your emotions 

[CryWolf]

Hey all, I want to thank you for your time and support you have given to me in this thread. I have made a new thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=322908.new#new

Summary: My BPDexGF broke up with me beginning of December, although we were official, she wanted to end things and be just friends. I refused and wanted more. We argued for a few weeks and then she said "Im done with you" and blocked me on everything but facebook. I have tried reaching out and contacting her and seeing her but nothing. I honestly thing she is done with me and this is over.

She has been hanging out with two male classmates and has been writing about them on her blog A LOT the past few days. I noticed the more distance I gave her, the more anxiety her posts have been giving me. I am a huge mess

[CryWolf]

I will be replying to all replies in the new thread. Thank you!