Facing Divorce, got hard lesson in cluster B

[BeachDog]

I'm nearing the end of a long term marriage with two teenagers & have recently learned a ton about BPD & NPD.

The beginning of the end started about two years ago just after valentines day.   That day my SO brought up divorce in a family therapy session with our kids after quietly taking off the wedding ring.   I was totally blind sided by the development as I thought we were doing well & working on problems together.  Apparently the gift I bought for a milestone wedding anniversary was not adequate/ not given at the beginning of the day/ doesn't exist and therefore there is no love left.

I've been working with that same therapist continuously while sleeping on the sofa,  begging to stay together for the kids sake,  and learning all I could about NPD (my SO says everyone hates me because I have it and all their therapists say its true!)   

Lots of individual therapy later for both of us and it turns out my SO "has some things they are working through" and "the only thing I can do is to be kind to my SO while SO's therapy progresses"  hmmm.  Now my world is very upside down.

Everything started to click when I found a book my SO has called "Walking on egg shells" and another one called "The Narcissistic Family".  I had never heard of  BPD, but the more I read the more everything clicks.

I began asking my SO's brothers about their early childhood given that alcoholism was present & heard some really messed up stories in the first two years,  including one spouse abandoning the other for a period.    I also learned about a rape and ongoing panic attacks as well as a referral to DBT for my SO.

I haven't been told what is going on,  but my SO says I can't know because it would make me a better Narcissist.  I'm very hurt and wonder from time to time  if it is true that I'm horrible,  but also believe I'm dealing with Queen/Waif-BPD and accusing your SO of horrible things is part of the deal.

I would crawl through glass to spare my kids the pain of a broken family,  but my SO filed for Divorce and told our kids without me,  so I'm getting OK with getting out.   It's been so bad for so long that getting out will be a relief,  but an amicable Divorce still means coparenting and dealing with the negativity for a while.

Thanks for reading and providing lots of info for those of us lurking.

[Sluggo]

Beachdog,

Welcome to the site.  Please continue to share your Story... .  you will find a lot of similarities in other stories here.  I was married 18 years... .  I did not want to divorce, but realized I had to. 

I was told that sometimes the marriage can be used as a weapon, as they know they can do about anything out of bounds as a continual pattern of behavior and know we will not leave them.

There is soul searching I did and have realized where I have contributed (dependent, insecure, fear of her rage, trying to call her emotions by taking blame)... .  but many times you may realize what the ex is accusing you of is really a reflection of herself.  I got a lot from the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life    [/b]https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI  . 

that book helped me identify my role but not confuse my ex's role nor be given the blame for her role.  A great read.   Also there is tons of info on this site... .

Keep sharing your story... .  and reading others... .

[ForeverDad]

The beginning of the end started about two years ago just after valentines day.   That day my SO brought up divorce in a family therapy session with our kids after quietly taking off the wedding ring.   I was totally blind sided by the development as I thought we were doing well & working on problems together.  Apparently the gift I bought for a milestone wedding anniversary was not adequate/ not given at the beginning of the day/ doesn't exist and therefore there is no love left.

Another page out of the BPD Handbook 101.  I recall one of the last wedding anniversaries together when I bought my then-spouse a dozen red tipped white carnations.  I actually thought they were more beautiful than the available roses.  Well, she worked herself into a frenzy and ended up trashing them in the kitchen trashcan before the evening ended.

I would crawl through glass to spare my kids the pain of a broken family, but my SO filed for Divorce and told our kids without me, so I'm getting OK with getting out.   It's been so bad for so long that getting out will be a relief,  but an amicable Divorce still means coparenting and dealing with the negativity for a while.

The sad reality of that option, crawling through glass to avoid a broken family, is that it isn't enough, the family is already broken.  And providing the kids an example of passivity, appeaser and Whipping Boy is not a good option.  Ponder that inclination, would years of suffering to stay together provide a good example for the children?  Would it help them when they grow up and choose their own life mates?  They would be at risk of choosing either a demanding, denigrating, inconsistent, impossible-to-please person like mother or someone who would be passive and acquiescing like father.  Seen in that light, you instead need to be a positive example for the kids, that even if you parent separately, your home will be one of calm, peace and stability.

Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships.  Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc.  Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one."  Ponder that.  Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos.  And some of the flying monkeys too.

Only time will tell whether you two can manage to walk out with an "amicable" divorce.  Around here those are far and few between, but yes it's worth a try — but don't waste time and finances barking up the wrong tree.  If you see it isn't working but just enabling delays and obstruction then proceed to domestic court for a standard divorce.  You will definitely need expert legal advice and solid strategies, so get a lawyer who is much more than a forms filer and hand holder.  Generally with good representation in court and being seen as the one providing solutions, you will find your court's decisions will be "less unfair" than your spouse's terms.

Since it does appear a divorce is in the works, or soon will be, then it is your task as the more reasonably normal and stable parent to step forward and ensure the children get the best parenting for them you can get going forward.  The divorce process is horrendous when one of the parents suffers with an acting-out PD, so be prepared to focus on yourself and the children.  Avoid the misconception that you need to protect your spouse or hide her poor behaviors.  Court will do very well at protecting her, it's you yourself you need to worry about protecting, and the kids of course.

[BeachDog]

There is soul searching I did and have realized where I have contributed (dependent, insecure, fear of her rage, trying to call her emotions by taking blame)... .  but many times you may realize what the ex is accusing you of is really a reflection of herself.  I got a lot from the book Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life    [/b]https://www.amazon.com/Stop-Caretaking-Borderline-Narcissist-Drama-ebook/dp/B00B60DRKI  . 

I just finished the "Stop Caretaking... ." book this weekend & came to a realization that if I stay in the relationship at this point I'm sick in my own way.   

Setting an example for my kids where I don't put up with this behavior is important for their future health.

[Sluggo]

Beach Dog,

just finished the "Stop Caretaking... ." book this weekend & came to a realization that if I stay in the relationship at this point I'm sick in my own way.   

Setting an example for my kids where I don't put up with this behavior is important for their future health.

Great job in looking inward. 

I was told by the psych doctor that did full day of mental health evals on both my wife and I about 7 years ago when our problems became unbearable.    Results:  She was diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder with borderline and histrionic features and I had depression and dependency issues.  He said... .  people of similar pathologies marry one another.  That is a totally healthy person would not have married my wife (nor vice versa).  That hit me smack in the eyes.   

That was 7 years ago... .  He recommended 5 years of therapy for both of us... .He gave us a warning that day, he said 'it is very possible and likely that as you go through therapy that it will cause you to divorce. 

 My wife has not improved (personality disorders are a hard nut to crack// and some say cant).    I have have become a much healthier person and recognize my defects and have changed much of them (work in process).  As I became better... .   our marriage got even worse.   I filed for divorce 5.5 years later. 

One reason we divorced:  Our pathologies were no longer fitting like a hand in glove.  I am a better person, better father, ... .  am I not the passive, willing to please at all costs, lap dog that I became to be in our marriage.  Me too, I became that way to try and control my wifes rages as they scared me to death and I did not want a divorce. 

The next book I found very helpful was Dr. Childress 'Foundations'.  He lays out what the pattern of what I was experiencing with my children.  It was very sad to hear what may happen but very informative book.  It has helped me to see it as a pattern of the sickness as it relates to parenting...   https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Based-Model-Parental-Alienation-Foundations/dp/0996114505

He has some good you tube videos... .  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNuwQNN3q4 

[40days_in_desert]

BeachDog, Your story has some similarities to mine. My ex accused me of many things including BPD, NPD, Bipolar, Schizoid and others. I would desperately ask what it was that she saw/heard that made her feel that way but would respond with the same. "If I told you, it would only feed your disorder" or "I shouldn't have to tell you." I did the same as you and sought answers because if I had a problem, I wanted to get better. After talking to a couple of therapist the first six months, it was determined that I do not have any of the disorders. The main reason was simple - self awareness. Having said this, I did have issues that I needed to deal with through therapy. Not enough to label with an official disorder but that doesn't matter. What I had to improve on were traits that contributed to her BPD being triggered and made things worse. I don't blame myself but after two plus years apart, I know better how to deal with and interact with her. We have five minor children together so it isn't an option for me to go complete NC. Work on yourself and don't focus too much on her issues. You have to get your bearings right before the FOG can be lifted.

[toomanydogs]

Beach Dog,

Great job in looking inward. 

I was told by the psych doctor that did full day of mental health evals on both my wife and I about 7 years ago when our problems became unbearable.    Results:  She was diagnosed with Paranoid Personality Disorder with borderline and histrionic features and I had depression and dependency issues.  He said... .  people of similar pathologies marry one another.  That is a totally healthy person would not have married my wife (nor vice versa).  That hit me smack in the eyes.   

That was 7 years ago... .  He recommended 5 years of therapy for both of us... .He gave us a warning that day, he said 'it is very possible and likely that as you go through therapy that it will cause you to divorce. 

 My wife has not improved (personality disorders are a hard nut to crack// and some say cant).    I have have become a much healthier person and recognize my defects and have changed much of them (work in process).  As I became better... .   our marriage got even worse.   I filed for divorce 5.5 years later. 

One reason we divorced:  Our pathologies were no longer fitting like a hand in glove.  I am a better person, better father, ... .  am I not the passive, willing to please at all costs, lap dog that I became to be in our marriage.  Me too, I became that way to try and control my wifes rages as they scared me to death and I did not want a divorce. 

The next book I found very helpful was Dr. Childress 'Foundations'.  He lays out what the pattern of what I was experiencing with my children.  It was very sad to hear what may happen but very informative book.  It has helped me to see it as a pattern of the sickness as it relates to parenting...   https://www.amazon.com/Attachment-Based-Model-Parental-Alienation-Foundations/dp/0996114505

He has some good you tube videos... .  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=brNuwQNN3q4 

Sigh. The more I read, the more I realize how my marriage was not unique and certainly not healthy. One point you raise, Sluggo, that really resonates with me is that you got healthier, the marriage got worse. That's where I am. The more firm I've made my boundaries, the more disordered my H got. I now suspect he's back on drugs, and I'm asking myself right now if I care. And, right now (maybe it'll change), I don't care.
TMD

[SamwizeGamgee]

Chiming in to agree that as I started to get "better" I started to see through the FOG, and see the marriage as it really is.  The marriage got worse.  Boundaries got better. 

I am in a much better place, though still married, I sleep separately in the basement, and I'm a much more fully involved dad and I'm emotionally there and healthy for my kids, and most importantly, for myself.  You can't truly care for someone else unless you're taking care of yourself.  And I don't mean a caretaker - I was that person for too long.  The book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline... ." is truly excellent. I place it among the top three books I needed on my path. 

My wife is more of the waif / hermit, BPD, passive aggressive blamer.  That seems less obvious of a reason to incite a divorce conflict - since the kids aren't seeing violence.  But, I am reaching a point that I just don't think I can take it any longer.

Beachdog - I think you're starting to see it that staying, especially with a witch / queen type mom of your kids, you are not helping them.  I spent some time reconciling the idea of divorce being better with the traditional idea of staying for the kids.  Staying for the kids sake is less convincing to me everyday.  As a former firefighter, I have the imaginary example of staying in a house that's filling with smoke.  I didn't start the fire.  I don't know where the smoke is coming from, but I can still get my kids out.  Less toxic smoke is better.  Similarly, I didn't cause my wife's personality, but I recognize it as toxic.  What am I going to do?

I would suggest you make the next several steps unilaterally.  Study, work on you, and make your own decision on what to do.  If you don't really have a collaborative marriage, you won't have a collaborative divorce.  Fortunately, you can think things over and start the process without telling your wife, and until she knows - those steps are reversable.

[Sluggo]

Sigh. The more I read, the more I realize how my marriage was not unique and certainly not healthy. One point you raise, Sluggo, that really resonates with me is that you got healthier, the marriage got worse. That's where I am. The more firm I've made my boundaries, the more disordered my H got. I now suspect he's back on drugs, and I'm asking myself right now if I care. And, right now (maybe it'll change), I don't care.
TMD

TMD,

Very sorry to hear what you are going through.  I really struggle with the fact that my marriage got worse.  I asked myself many times should I keep working on myself knowing my marriage will get worse.  Was that the right thing to do... .  I asked myself. 

I came to the conclusion  that becoming the best version of myself is the greater good.  It is not selfish, but quite the contrary... .  I become a better Father, a better friend to others, a better friend to myself, a better employee, a better husband to my wife (even though that meant a divorce... .  I was not feeding her sickness by acting unhealthy).    The better I know myself the better I can love others and allow God to love me. 

Sluggo

[ForeverDad]

He recommended 5 years of therapy for both of us... .He gave us a warning that day, he said 'it is very possible and likely that as you go through therapy that it will cause you to divorce. 

My wife has not improved (personality disorders are a hard nut to crack... .).  I have become a much healthier person and recognize my defects and have changed much of them (work in process).  As I became better... .  our marriage got even worse.  I filed for divorce 5.5 years later.

One of our most prolific posters some 5-10 years ago was JoannaK.  In a few of her posts she made an observation that meshes well with your comments.  She wrote that if persons who work to attain some recovery then they would not be the same persons as before and there was a real possibility the relationship would not survive, one or both had changed that much.