Anyone have similar experience /couples counselling

[Swhitey]

My partner and I are in couples counseling. My Partner talks about all the things I do wrong, takes no responsibility for her actions and paints me out to be a monster. The therapist will ask me if "is this accurate?" my response is "no" and my partner will then continue to rant about something else. I basically sit there and listen to the same things she gripes to me about on a daily basis. She says I get angry all the time, which simply isn't true. I noticed that the therapist was quick to "chastise" or correct me on my behaviors, and validated my partner and her experiences.

I'm trying to see this as a way the therapist trying to showing me how to validate my partner as well as give her validation for how she feels (which is what she needs), which is great and all... .I am left feeling like my truth is being ignored and is not valid, that it only confirms to my partner that I am the only one who is causing the problems.

Sounds weird? I don't know... .My question is: Does the therapist understand/identify the dynamic and what is really going on? Or am I fated to now be painted black officially, my partner justified in her actions and behaviors so she has an excuse not to make some changes too?

It was a little disappointing, for me at least, I found myself quite withdrawn afterwards. Feeling like I am the monster she sees me as... .

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[isilme]

I've not tried couples counseling, ever, but I've seen similar stories posted on here.

BPD is an odd duck, and seems hard for many couples counselors to nail down, or even for individual assessments to identify.  I think I read on here or somewhere recently that BPD is often not only hard to diagnose, but because there is no drug treatment ready-made for it, Psychs tend to avoid it because it's all behavioral adjustments that are needed, which are hard to convince a person who can't admit they are ever wrong to engage in. 

Usually, I thought counseling involved individual visits as well, for safety in talking openly as well as for a comparison of how you interact and tell the same story when apart.  Is that not part of this therapy?  Can you suggest that it is needed?

[Swhitey]

Thanks isilme,

I thought there might be some individual appointments too, but none have been mentioned. I am afraid to mention it to the therapist in her company because she has already expressed that she believes I will rant to the therapist about how horrible she is if I were to speak to the therapist alone. I noticed a change in the therapists approach/tone as soon as my SO disclosed to her that she has CPTSD (which shares many, many of the same behaviors/structures exhibited by someone who experiences BPD) which gave me pause as to why she (therapist) began to validate and let her express. I'm still a little unsure of my role now... .My partner is currently no in any structured counseling at the moment and is on a wait list for a trauma/dbt group, but that is a minimum year wait list. It just feels like I have brought a spoon to a gun fight... .Maybe I can call the clinic and suggest individual appointments, and have the therapist suggest it to seem less threatening?

[Hmcbart]

Swhitey,

I am currently in MC with my wife.  This is the 3rd attempt.  The first was exactly as you described.  We both saw the therapist individually 2 times before going MC.  She had seen the therapist a few more times before I had.  It seemed like enough times that by the time I first went, the therapist had a pretty nice (ugly) picture painted of me.  My anger issues (non-existent), my demanding and angry words.  I think the therapist was amazed when I first came in because I didn't have horns and a tail.  It went as you described.  Always how horrible I am and I didn't get to say much.  Then we talked about what I wanted and things got really bad.  She no longer likes the therapist and said we were ganging up on her. 

But after each session we left and the anger came back with us and was usually amplified after me voicing my feelings. 

2nd attempt was exactly the same but this time when the question of physical violence came up, she said "there was this one time, it almost happened."  I'm looking at her and asking "um, where was I during this?" She said you remember that time in the closet? I said the time I told you I would move you out if the way so I could leave the abuse? That ended that visit.

3rd and current therapist.  We are both seeing the same person for individual help and also for MC.  It's a bit different but I kind of like it.  The therapist gets to hear from both of us individually and we are come to MC.  There have been some instances of her blaming me for everything but so far the therapist has shut it down.  I'm pretty talkative in my individual sessions and the therapist said that she wasn't expecting me to be so quiet during our MC. I explained how my emotions and feelings only serve to upset my wife.  Also when I bring up something that my wife considers negative about herself, she quickly interrupts me and starts telling her side and justifying her actions. 

It's only been about 6 sessions so far.  I have seem some improvement. The arguments have almost completely gone away.  The anger and silent treatment has let up tremendously. My wife really hasn't done much of the homework we are supposed to do.  I was asked last week if I noticed her doing things for me the way I do them for her.  I told the therapist that she really doesn't do much for me.  She has made small gestures but really nothing major.  Of course I didn't say this when my wife was present nor will I say it in her presence.  That's like asking for a fight.

  It's only be a couple of months though and an active volcano can only stay quiet for so long before exploding. 

[Swhitey]

Thanks for sharing Hmcbart,

Even in the presence of a therapist, it can be scary to express one's feelings. I have learned that sharing my feelings about anything, whether it has to do with her or not, is usually too uncomfortable for her to bear and her emotions become dis-regulated, leaving me scratching my head and feeling alone with what ails me in the moment. I have to keep reminding myself that I cannot expect her to give me much if any empathy. It is just too much for her.

It is nice to hear that your current MC is able to shutdown the blame game and you are noticing things play out differently. I hope it continues in a positive direction for both of you. I would feel a little bit more validated if that occurred in our session. That being said, we have only had 2 sessions so I am willing to wait it out a bit more to see the long game of what the T has in mind for helping us (key word is "us"

I know I am not a monster, and I just hope that this therapist is smart enough to recognize that there are 2 sides to the story and 2 realities here. It's super difficult to keep my mouth shut when I hear the lies being spouted to the therapist. (well to me they are lies because I remember events differently, I guess) perhaps I should record our disagreements at home, It might help keep me in check, I'm not perfect and lose my cool sometimes too.

[Duped 1]

Me and my EXGF tried it. She came to the first session and said she never insults or attacks, and couldn't see her part in any of it. It was insane. It was all about blame to her when I genuinely wanted to fix the relationship. She would then complain that counseling didn't work. It was absolutely bizzare and very eye opening for me

[bunny4523]

My partner and I are in couples counseling. My Partner talks about all the things I do wrong, takes no responsibility for her actions and paints me out to be a monster. The therapist will ask me if "is this accurate?" my response is "no" and my partner will then continue to rant about something else. I basically sit there and listen to the same things she gripes to me about on a daily basis.

I had the same experience.  The weird part was I asked for us to go to counseling because I was having a problem with his rude, demeening attacks and threats of kicking me out but that didn't even come up in the first 3 sessions.  He would go on and on about random things complaining about me.  I just let him go on and on... .I could see the counselor was getting the big picture of what I had been dealing with.  

by the time we were ready to discuss the real issues... .all was good, the ex didn't think we needed counseling anymore.  I continued to go on my own and that's how I was able to shed light on his disorder. By then the relationship was over but it helped me to understand that I didn't do anything to bring out this ugly side of him but that that ugly side was BPD and it existed with or without me in the picture.

Bunny

[Hmcbart]

 Swhitey,

I have been made out to be a monster with each therapist we've spoken to.  To be fair, I have lost my temper a time or two and said things that were hurtful.  I've never raised a hand in anger to her or my kids but hearing some of the stories about my "anger issues", I suspect most therapist have me pegged as an abusive husband that gets angry for no reason and may even hit my wife and kids.  After they spend any time with me they realize how untrue it is. 

My anger only comes out as a threat response when I'm at the edge of control or cornered by her.  By cornered I mean literally cornered so I can leave while she rages. Even then my response is with words followed by complete silence on my part. I usually sit down and look at the floor and keep my mouth shut.  I've learned that those responses will eventually be used against me in the future. The context and even the words will be adjusted to suit her emotions but they will come back to haunt me. 

In our current MC the therapist has even said to my wife that she doesn't see it.  Even going so far as to say I'm an extremely nice guy who is always trying to find humor in any situation.  During the last session the therapist even brought up how much I do go out of my way for her and the kids.  Using some examples that I have in my sessions.  She commented to my wife that in her years of doing MC she doesn't see couples with this much disconnection where the husband still goes out of his was, sometimes hours out of his way to do things for his wife.  My wife sat there and agreed with everything that was being said and talked about how great I am. 

That's when the different stories begin to be more noticeable.  Watching her admit that I'm not this horrible monster is nice to see.  I still try to lead the therapist in the right direction from time to time without actually coming out and telling her what to think. 

[steev]

Watch out, pathetic stuff ahead about couples counseling with BP in the room.
I am not a good example for experience with couples counseling. We are on our 7th marriage counselor spanning the last the last 20 years. I calculated that we are well into 6 figures on how much this “hobby” has cost our family with absolutely nothing to show for it.
During the early years I had a false expectation that she would respect the therapist enough to take in what they had to offer when they got close to her BPD behaviors (she is diagnosed by only me by the way and the term has never come up).
Usual procedure for the first 6 months with new CC I am relegated as the identified patient with the already indoctrinated therapist*. (background here – Wife has been going to personal therapy starting in 1993, couples, at her insistence, in 1995. I was to go or else…) I used to get defensive during the early sessions which slowed down progression of the therapy. I got better addressing this deficiency and just let the therapist figure it out without any JADE-ing from me. While it was hard not-to-JADE I prospered with my restraint, specifics eventually pile up through the weeks, months, years clearly showed the platform that my wife was presenting turned very shaky. Eventually, over time, being called on to own her behaviors (lots of crying and a lot of ‘I Dunnos’) she would “divorce” the therapist for “not being good for us” and would summon the new “good” therapist* that she was vetting months before the end. I have/had NO input.
From where I sit, couples therapy may be good advice when both partners are sane. It’s TERRIBLE advice when one partner has a personality disorder! I compromised and gave up my half (the 50/50 responsibility thing) in exchange for peace and cooperation but nothing has made our marriage better and I am just a shell of my former self.

[Swhitey]

@duped: I agree, the cyclical discussions/arguments are crazy making indeed. I've noticed that my partners recollection of what transpired and the blame game have me scratching my head. It has been very eye opening for me too as I become more aware of the bigger picture at play here and what my role is. It was really defeating to learn that my partner sees things so very differently than I do and chooses to blame me. The amount of "you" statements she makes drives me bonkers. This is her reality though and I am beginning to really accept that, and also make a clearer decision on whether I can continue to endure it... .

@bunny4523: Your observation of the final outcome of you relationship is very astute and, I think, a healthy one. I could easily agree that my partner will continue her behavior, with or without me in the picture, only until she is ready to take ownership for her role and wish change for herself. I cannot force this and I can only do my best to provide a safe environment for her to grow if she chooses. How long I can sustain and endure this is up to me and the only thing within my control.

@Hmcbart: What you have shared has given me pause and inspired me to really look at my own anger. bear with me as I bounce this out and people can share what they think

It is true that there have been times when I have become angry. I have learned that my partner sees me as angry all the time. This is where our realities diverge though: there are times I have become angry, I am not angry all the time. I am thinking that these instances of anger show her that when she expresses herself, in her way, I will become angry and I will always meet her expressions with anger. I can understand why she might think this way. Okay then. What can I do? First, I have to rebuild (if it can be re-built) her trust that I won't get angry when she expresses her feelings. To do so I must understand why I get angry when she expresses herself in certain ways.

1) I have realized that I find that her language and expressions to be disrespectful due to the excessive "you" statements I hear. I find it difficult to not take it personally or become distressed, and I can become defensive when I am told that I am the cause of all someone's stress and pain.

2) It scrambles my mind when someone does not see and take responsibility for their actions, can only find fault and blame in others. I see taking ownership of my actions/behaviors to be a source of my growth, my learning. I believe it also shows compromise, care and compassion for those I care deeply for and want in my life. To not receive this reciprocated in some way shape or form, tells me that I am not cared about or respected in the way I want to be, which really hurts. Essentially, I have a poor way of asserting my boundaries, I let them get rolled over. Respect is important and core to me, and when I get angry, I disrespect myself and those I care about, fueling my own shame and guilt further.

I am more conscious of this now and feel better about ways to assert myself in a kind yet firm way. To also not invalidate her when she begins the blame game for how she feels, and learn a gentle way of removing myself from the situation without triggering her. (it seems everything I do now is a trigger for something) It's feeling kind of hopeless though. Too little, too late.

It's taken me a day, off and on, to type this up and I'm kind of ranting/grasping at straws right now, cycling through moments of hope and despair. This seems overwhelming and all consuming. Enacting self care options for myself, seem to trigger my partners anxiety and fear of abandonment. I'm feeling trapped and isolated with someone who doesn't want to be my friend anymore and only wants to complain about me and the world that is kicking her when she is down. The only people she is finding comfort in is in texting exbf's and sending them selfies which arouses triggers in me. I am unsure why she wants me around, other than because I can pay the rent, cook food, pick up her kids, and clean the house? I am feeling kind of used, but for some reason I think something might change and we can get back something that resembled happier times. I must be the crazy one to not see this for what is likely coming... .

@steev: Wow, that is quite the experience... .It is understandable why you might think of yourself as a shell of your former self. That resonates with me, a lot, and I fear that for myself too. I am already noticing that my sense of humor is now not accepted along with so many other traits that everyone else has found endearing about me, even my partner at one time. I remind myself not to JADE and it does help in the moments to remain calm, however this is where I feel I loose myself a bit each time. Can I ask, why you stayed for so long and put forth so much effort? I feel I might be heading down that same road... .

Thank you everyone for sharing, and your support. It means a lot to me!

[bananas2]

Swhitey -
My BPDh & I began our therapy with our second MC a few months ago. The MC had a difficult time helping us bc he said it seemed we had "differing realities." I know the real facts, but of course BPDh's "facts" are different. I came to realize that the counselor has no way of knowing which facts are true. We decided to put a hold on MC and for each of us to go into separate individual therapy with 2 different therapists. We agreed that if he makes progress with his DBT and I continue making progress with using my strategies, then we will revisit MC at a later date. This seems to be working for us for time being.

I understand what you mean about raising certain issues with your BPD SO in the room, especially asking in front of her about separate/private sessions. Been there, done that. Train wreck. Maybe you can call the MC, express your concern, and ask about having occasional individual sessions & ask if the MC can suggest that as if it was the MC's suggestion & not yours.

[Hmcbart]

I had my individual therapy session last night.  After we talked for a while about me speaking up more during our couples sessions, I was asking about her assertion that my wife and I have 2 different versions of the same story every week. I brought up the idea of BPD.  She stopped for a minute and listen to what I had to say. Then she asked me why I hadn't brought it up sooner. I told her I wanted her to have time to hear from both of us and get some of the back story before saying anything.  I explained that if she were to confront my wife about it, she would most like her push back and ultimately my wife would stop going.  I told her I needed to make sure my wife was comfortable with her before I brought it up. 

I don't know if she was just trying to validate me but she said she had been so focused on the depression that she hadn't thought about any other issues.  She said it was something that should be addressed in the couples sessions and I told her absolutely not. If this sounds in any way like it's coming from me then it will blow up in my face. 

Not sure how today's session will go but I'm nervous everytime we have MC.  She always leaves emotionally closed off and upset.  I'm afraid to be more vocal because of the anger I have to deal with after we leave. 

[Swhitey]

Yeah, I'm loosing faith in the idea of CC. I have been pushed to the outside now, and she is says that she cannot achieve her goals of career, finances, family & health because of our relationship. I know she is depressed and she has expressed that her world is crushing her. but when you put it like that, it's kind of obvious what to let go of. I think she just wants to stay in her world and not address her problems for what they are. She is the victim and now she wants out and is making it so I am the one to leave to keep her in this victimized state, to reinforce her belief that everyone leaves her. I am apparently also exactly like her ex husband and I am the source of the drama. Excuse me for having feelings, I'm not sure I can have a relationship with empathy not being a 2 way street. Even once in a while would be nice, but I am alone #sosadrightnow

[Hmcbart]

The good news is that these feelings are only temporary.  She'll most likely change her mind before too long.  The bad news is all feelings are temporary.

I wish I could help more but I am dealing with a lot of the same things. Accept my wife doesn't work and hasn't in 13+ years.  So there isn't much chance of her wanting to focus on her career.  I have gotten blamed for her not having a career.  Most recently in MC it was decided that her control of sex was related to her not having any control of other things, mostly the income since I'm the only one working.  It feels like everytime there sounds like a breakthrough it turns into a new excuse. The other day I was told she acted a certain way because of her depression.  I'm sorry but knowing you have depression doesn't give you an excuse to treat your spouse like sh!t. 

As far as empathy, nope, not in her list of abilities.  She did recently tell me how much she respects me for everything I go out of my way to do for her and our family.  I don't think she actually came to that thought on her own.  Our MC commented about it last time and 3 ladies I work with made comments to her about me going out of my way to help them at a work function Saturday night.  So it's a stretch to believe she actually noticed it because that would mean she was thinking about how much someone else does for her.  That means she can't be the victim. 

I learned that everything I say or do will be twisted and used to perpetuate that victim mentality.  Even not saying anything gets twisted into an abuse. 

Sorry to blow up.  I started out trying to give you some positive vibes.  Blind leading the blind.

[Swhitey]

Hmcbart, I really, truly feel what you are expressing, and can sympathize with your situation. There are several points you state that I can directly relate to. From what you say, I can tell you are a strong, caring, person who loves his wife. I emplore you, and anyone else, to "Blow up" here at anytime. I think it is a healthier place to do that here, in the manner you have, rather than at home with your family. We all have moments when we are strong and want to send out positive vibes, which can quickly turn into pain. This forum can serve as a place of knowledge, an online journal that gives feedback, and so much more. Thank you for sharing, it has made me feel less alone in my situation, and please continue to share.

My partner has not worked in 11+ years as well. She has many reason as to why she cannot work and one of those reasons are that her eldest son has several developmental disabilities. She has all this paperwork, coordination of specialists, Dr's appointments for him that she has to be on top of and is the reason why she cannot have a job. I am an active parent and have bent over backwards to create an environment that allows for her to work and take care of these duties. Her ex husband and his GF have offered support with these things too, to help take the weight off her a bit, only to be met with vitriol and resentment.

It seems that if anyone in her life gets too close to her and her traumas, she burns them alive. Kind of like that x-men movie when wolverine gets closer and closer to the phoenix... .(sorry to geek out there haha) I fear that I have gotten too close and touched her pain, seen too much of her trauma that she holds onto. Perhaps she feels that, because I know this, that there is an expectation on her to address these traumas, that she won't be able to hold onto it anymore and use them as an excuse? So instead of facing them she pushes those close to her away, by any means necessary? She mentioned to me when we first started dating "I tend to run away when I get close to someone, don't let me run away" She pulled me in with stories of how her family abandoned her (in her adult life) I love her, and I seen how much this pained her. I didn't want her to experience that pain again, she has the capacity to be a lovely and endearing person who can give a lot of empathy, love and respect. Perhaps I was trying to "save her" that if I could give her my love, create an environment that is loving and accepting, she will have the space to tackle/overcome these pains and we could forge ahead with our lives and create the happy family we envisioned together. That was before I learned what BPD and C-PTSD is and how it manifests in a relationship. What my role will have to be and accept that this person may never change and that this is my life, should I choose to stay. Hard pill to swallow. It is coming to the point now where I will eventually fulfill my role as someone who leaves and abandon her. It's sad to look at it this way. She is afraid of me, and now her kids are afraid of me too, because she is so depressed and upset, lashing out and crying endlessly, blaming me for everything. What do you think her kids are gonna believe?

Blame and Shame, baby. Blame and shame.

I cant believe I got myself into this, I feel like a fool! For not only falling for her but also being able to love and care about her two amazing boys. Her illness is a destroyer of lives and I worry about the kids when they get older and eventually leave to lead their own lives and how she may turn on them... .It's scary... .

[Hmcbart]

Don't beat yourself up too bad.  If she's already doing it, no need to join in and help out.  On the bad days I beat myself up so bad mentally that it feels worse than anything she has ever done.  I try so hard not to but it just keeps coming and all I can hear is hot stupid I am.  How can I be so smart in other things but a complete idiot to believe her every time. 

It's because I want to believe.  I want to think that things will be better.  It's delusional but I keep getting back up every time I'm knocked down.  After our MC last night we talked a bit before I had to drive 4 hours away for work.  Some of the things she said just didn't sit right with me.  The resentment grew and the anger took over.  I called her to tell her how I felt about some of the things she was saying.  She kept cutting me off and finally I just told her I was hanging up because she wouldn't let me speak. 

A few hours later I called back and she was back at our therapists office.  We spoke on speaker.  This time I know it was me and my resentment of the years of abuse and treatment I've been through.  She really was trying but I didn't want to hear it. All I could think about was how bad it feels everytime I try to bekieve things will be different and they always go back to being the same.  My anger was based on sex or lack of.  This times of all things about a bj. Something she's has never done and I know she will never do but somehow I still got so twisted over it. 

It doesn't seem like it takes much anymore to set me off. I am literally starting to think that I have been the issue all these years and just wouldn't see it.  I'm starting to feel like I have the PD and can turn it off and on.  But I shouldn't be cognicent about it like I am. My brain is so fried right now I don't know what to think or do. 

She knows I'm mentally and emotionally empty.  I can't hide my feelings, I never have been able to. I want my mind to just stop and let me take a break but it just keeps on going.  I have another 4 plus hour drive, I had about 3 hours of sleep last night, and I haven't eaten all day.  Add in my emotional state and it's a wonder I am even able to stay up right.   

[Hmcbart]

Sorry if that was TMI.

[hope2000]

I've unsuccessfully tried couple counselling to save my 24 years marriage with my UexBPD. My experience tells me that marriage counsellors lack insight into the root of the problem. There is a general consensus that problems in relationships are 50/50. Unfortunately counsellors took this literally. The 50/50 does not apply when one partner has MH or high conflict issues. The issues in relationship cannot be addressed because the MH is the main barrier to improving the relationship. We have to address the MH first before we could work on the relationship. A good example is when a BPD partner is aware of his /her diagnosis and share it with the non BPD partner and a window of opportunity is opened up for the couple to work out strategies to improve their relationship.

There was a window of opportunity to save my marriage. I told our counsellor that my then wife has symptoms of BPD. She dismissed it immediately without exploring it further. I even told the counsellor that my then wife doctor wanted to refer her to see a psychiatrist for an assessment. I thought it was obvious to pursue the assessment but Unfortunately the counsellor lacked the insight and dismissed it all together. At that time she was looking for permission from the counsellor to seek psychiatric assessment and the counsellor dismissive attitude reinforced her attitude that that there was noting wrong with her. I even told the counsellor that family around her also for formed the opinion she needs to seeks a psychiatrist as her behaviour was out of bounds.

From hindsight I learned the importance of finding the right counsellor for my marriage circumstances. I'm sure the couple counsellors I experienced are effective in other circumstances. We need trained couple counsellors with BPD experience and I think they are rare at this time.

I hope this help you my friend.

[WifeOfProbableBP]

Similar experience here. Hardly get a word in during couples therapy. I think during the first few sessions, the therapist seemed to believe some of the horrible things my SO was saying about me. I remained patient and respectful and just let the events and topics unfold.
During an individual session with the therapist, I told her that I didn't know where to go when he would go into a rage. She suggested I stay at a friends house, and she was genuinely surprised when I told her that I didn't really have any friends nearby, because he had told her that I was going out partying with people & cheating, & who knows what.
After a few sessions my SO's erratic behavior became more evident to the therapist. Like when he wouldn't let her speak, or he would stand up & start shouting in a rage, or when he would storm out.
I think that it is important for her to avoid taking sides & accusing one or the other that we're lying, because that would run the risk of him ending therapy altogether. It is important that he feels heard & validated during therapy to build a level of trust with the therapist.
All that being said, at the last couples appointment, the therapist mentioned that she had an ethical duty to inform us that she would not recommend further therapy if we do not think that it is helping.  She thinks that we are at an impasse, and that there is to much resistance to her recommendations.  Great

[Swhitey]

Right now, I am of the mind that counseling is not going to work. The premises seems to be active listening skills. Active listening is a great tool combined with other skills like empathy, and someone practicing and wanting to be more empathetic will benefit greatly from developing active listening. The root of the problem appears to be more behavioral, she truly lacks empathy towards those closest to her, as was observed last night. (And in hindsight, has been felt throughout the course of this relationship)

Yesterday, she came home after an exhausting overnight school trip with her son. I made sure the house was nice and clean, provided space for her to vent about the negative things she experienced over the last 24hrs, made  dinner (as I always do) so she could spend quality time with her kids, was mindfully aware that this is the woman I love and was in a genuinely caring, cheerful mood. I set the table and called everyone to dinner... .She took one look at it and said this is not what she wants to feed herself or her family (chicken breast, rice and veggies). She dismissed the kids to go and play and remade some stirfry for her and the boys. This wounded me deeply. Cooking and nourishing the ones I love is brings me great fulfilment and joy and is and is a profound expression of my love for them. I couldn't keep that pain in for very long. I told her that I understand she wants to eat less meat and fresh veggies for her and the kids, can you please talk to me about it later instead of remaking the dinner I made and sending the kids away like that? It really hurt me, you know I love to nourish the ones I love. She immediately started at me saying things like you know I want no meat and blah blah blah, like my feeling we wrong and I should've known better. So I said fine I need to leave the room. Got a cigarette and proceeded outside, where she looked at me and said (for the 3rd time in the last week) we need to break up. Kick when I'm down, twist that knife just a bit more. Who does that?

What should have done is not expresses how I felt, I know better. I am more than frustrated, I am really angry. I can feel the resentment setting in, and I am angry at myself for letting such a toxic person I to my life and allowing her to continually treat me like sh*t. The only thing different about this example is I kept my cool, stayed calm, use kind language and was mindful of myself. The sad fact is that it still hurts just the same as before. She apologized later, and I forgive her, I am having a hard time forgetting though... .

[hope2000]

This is my second post

I've had similar experience. The difficulties with our couple counseling was her BPD traits  at beginning  was not identified. When it was mentioned 20 odd years into the marriage  the last counselor dismissed it even though the Dr recommended for her to see a psychiatrist for   BPD traits. All our  couple counselors were female and I'm not sure if gender of the counselor might have a biased influence of the outcome.