Slept on the couch

[Depression = 72% of members]

Thursday night after an emotional day, I needed some sleep.  She decided to stay awake and try to have a conversation with me about how my mom makes her angry.  Uggh.  Not at all what I need at 11pm when I need to sleep!  Needless to say, I did not sleep well, went to sleep upset, and took half of Friday to feel calm enough to actually work.  Then last night (Friday) after I got home, she wanted to talk about my mom and my family again.  I validated and then told her that my life works much better if I let yesterday be yesterday and focus on today and the immediate future.  She agreed, and I thought we had moved on.

Yet, laying down to bed, she asked if I ever wanted to live in Chicago.  I replied "No."  She said, "why, too cold?"  I said, "Yes."  Then she went on about how I had agreed at one time that I would be open to moving somewhere else some day.  I told her "yes, but I need to focus on more immediate tasks for now."  She got angrier and kept up and pressed me where I might like to move.  I said "North Carolina" (just throwing it out there because I hear it's pretty).  She got angrier with my response, then started saying about how I make no strides to look for another job or earn more money... .here we go again.  I told her that I was very tired and we could talk about this tomorrow.  SHe continued.  I told her again that I can discuss these issues with her tomorrow and that I was tired and I NEED sleep for my heath.  She continued.   I reminded her a THIRD time, and said if she was unwilling to talk about this tomorrow, that I would sleep on the couch.  She continued.

So I slept on the couch.

Thoughts?

[maxsterling]

Thursday night after an emotional day, I needed some sleep.  She decided to stay awake and try to have a conversation with me about how my mom makes her angry.  Uggh.  Not at all what I need at 11pm when I need to sleep!  Needless to say, I did not sleep well, went to sleep upset, and took half of Friday to feel calm enough to actually work.  Then last night (Friday) after I got home, she wanted to talk about my mom and my family again.  I validated and then told her that my life works much better if I let yesterday be yesterday and focus on today and the immediate future.  She agreed, and I thought we had moved on.

Yet, laying down to bed, she asked if I ever wanted to live in Chicago.  I replied "No."  She said, "why, too cold?"  I said, "Yes."  Then she went on about how I had agreed at one time that I would be open to moving somewhere else some day.  I told her "yes, but I need to focus on more immediate tasks for now."  She got angrier and kept up and pressed me where I might like to move.  I said "North Carolina" (just throwing it out there because I hear it's pretty).  She got angrier with my response, then started saying about how I make no strides to look for another job or earn more money... .here we go again.  I told her that I was very tired and we could talk about this tomorrow.  SHe continued.  I told her again that I can discuss these issues with her tomorrow and that I was tired and I NEED sleep for my heath.  She continued.   I reminded her a THIRD time, and said if she was unwilling to talk about this tomorrow, that I would sleep on the couch.  She continued.

So I slept on the couch.

Thoughts?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Cat21]

Sounds like the right move, Max. And it also sounds exhausting! I hope you were able to get some rest. She didn't follow you out to the couch (right)?, so it looks like your boundary enforcement worked.

Any response from her today?

[maxsterling]

She got up, went to an AA meeting.  Didn't say anything.  And I got up, and went to an alanon meeting before she came home.  I sent her a text message before I left letting her know where I was going.  SHe responded by saying she was going to physical therapy.  No vitriol - good.  I fully expected when I saw her again that she would bring all this up again and demand an apology or at least go on and on about how I hurt her by sleeping on the couch.  But I got none of that.  Obviously, she's in a depressed mood, but so far - no word or mention.  And that's the way I want it because there is nothing to talk about (in my opinion).   We even went for a walk and had a decent conversation, and last night was not brought up.

Boundaries worked?  1) I got some sleep 2) she didn't bring it up again. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Yes indeedy! Boundaries work!

You might try applying them earlier in the conversation. Difficult r/s issues aren't good at bedtime.

[Cat Familiar]

Good for you for insisting on your right to sleep. I guard my sleep--it's very precious to me and if I don't have enough, I'm rather resourceless the following day.

My BPDh, who also has an issue with alcohol, used to wake me up in the middle of the night, of the to tell me that he "loved me" and it would infuriate me. Often it was when I had gone to bed early, alone, needing to get up early the next morning. And he would be prowling around the house, getting drunk, making a mess in the kitchen and suddenly needing to express his "love".

He really thought I was a b!tch for not appreciating his expression of love. Meanwhile, I was seething, furious at his lack of consideration for my health and well being.

[waverider]

You did fine. I would probably have hit the couch earlier, your frustration would have been less, and she knows the routine now.

[Cat Familiar]

I'm wondering if sleep disorders are common with pwBPD. I've had to set a boundary that I go to bed at 10:30 every night and if he wants to stay up later, he sleeps in another room.