Help getting my exwBPD back

[Chrs584]

Hello. I found this thread and saw that people gave great advice so I was wondering if I can be guided in the right direction.

I dated my ex, who was diagnosed with BPD for nearly 4 years. One day we had an argument about not going somewhere and she decided to end it. We had broken up in the past because she thought I was not faithful to her but that was completely not true. We always got back together and everything would be good for months until something trivial came up and we broke up. It was that cycle until that last fight and she ended it.

We lived together so I moved out back to my parents until I could save enough to get an apartment ( I lost my savings because I spent it on an engagement ring and was going to propose to her in a month).

We would text on and off. She would say she wasn't attracted to me anymore. I was hurt and stopped talking and then she texted me a week later and the conversations were okay. One day she invited me over, we went out to dinner, had a few drinks, went back to the house, and had sex. The next day we went to the movies and had fun again. Then a couple days later, she was combative via text and cut me off. She then went on dating websites and got together with a few guys. However, they all left, with her saying they only wanted her for her body.

This cycle of texting, being friendly, and then falling out continues to happen. I have told her to not contact me unless she wants to be in a relationship. But every time she does, I have hope, only to see it fail. She even asks to borrow money.

It's been two weeks now and I am strictly going no contact.

I love this woman to death and I still want her to be my wife. I know it sounds bad but I can't be just friends with her. Do you think no contact would work getting her back? Also, should I reach out to her and offer to help her with the pets we had together or even just random stuff around the house as a way to reconnect and start a relationship again?

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[Navysndfirey]

I know the exact feeling, I had the push/pull for over 12 months I told her exactly how I felt and said it’s in your court now I’m not playing theses games. And boy did that back fire she went on holidays with a friend and when they came home I was handed a restraining order a week later. All that I can figure out is that they don’t like being not in control and I did that. I’ve been painted so black it’s not funny. The friend is manipulating the situation also. It truly hurts being in that area. I know your pain. You have to tke control draw a line and put up boundary’s

[Harri]

Hello and welcome!  I am glad you found us but sorry for what brings you here.  You are not alone in the details of your situation with the history of break ups and then getting back together.  It is a tough thing for sure.

I have told her to not contact me unless she wants to be in a relationship. But every time she does, I have hope, only to see it fail. She even asks to borrow money.

I understand having hope even when you are currently not together.  You've been together for a while now and in spite of the problems you love her and there is still a connection.  It is going to take longer than 2 weeks for your feelings to settle.

Do you think no contact would work getting her back?

Did you break up with her in the hope she would come back to you?  How do you see no contact working? 

Keep posting and asking questions.  There are many here who can relate and many who can help you as you decide what it is you want.

[Chrs584]

Thanks guys. To Harri, she broke up with me. I wish she did not. Her reasons always shift. At first, she said it was a loss of physical and sexual attraction, then it was I wasn't independent. The weird thing when it came to the sexual/physical attraction was that was before the one time we slept together a couple months ago.  As for no contact, I wound up breaking it yesterday to say happy thanksgiving. She replied back quickly saying thank you and she wished me one too. Then, today, I sent her a message asking if she needed any help with housework or yard work because I had some free time and it was something that was a sticking point as to why she wanted to break up (what her mom told me). She quickly replied no thanks.

For me, no contact has been hell personally. It was needed because I did the begging early on and continued to once the cycle to devaluation started to begin each time. It complicates things when we used to refer to our pets as kids, and she reaches out asking for financial support once in a while to help. And her friends tell me she posts quote memes on Instagram implying she misses the relationship sometimes. I love her. In fact if she asked me to ask her the question to marry her, I would run home, get the ring, run to the house and get on my knee. All around, it just sucks.

[Harri]

I know NC (no contact) can be hell and I understand the desire to reach out and try to connect.  It is a hard place to be.  Sometimes when we do that we are just feeding into the ongoing dysfunction.  Breaking up can be used as a way to keep you away and at the same time an attempt to get you to chase after her, which is not a good thing for you to do.  It certainly is not going to break the ongoing cycle. 

Is reaching out to her something you typically do when she breaks up with you?

You asked earlier if going NC would help to get her back... .possibly yes, but again, will it just be inviting more of the same and you continuing your part in the dynamic?  It is hard for me to say.  I do know that things will not change for the better if we keep doing the same things we always do.  For some people break ups and going silent are deal breakers.  They are for me.  If you do get back together, how would you want to handle this if she breaks up with you again?

[Chrs584]

It generally was. This is the longest we ever have broken up though. Before, it would take a week or two, but I would state my case why we should be together, and we would. This time, it is a lot tougher. If we do get back together a) I would use the tools on this thread to try to empathize better so it would not get to the point of a breakup and b) If we did break up, I would ask her why she felt like she had to, give her some space, and work on the things she mentioned as reasons for the breakup. Never felt like this about any of my ex's so would definitely put the work in so we could move forward with our lives

[Chrs584]

I just wish I had a good game plan to get her back

[Bnonymous]

How are things going, Chrs584? Are you the two of you still no contact?