Idealizing a Sibling?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I've recently been painted black (again) and been given the silent treatment (again) from my former friend BPD.  Around the same time that this happened, ffBPD's ex step-sister (it's complicated; ffBPD's mom has been married 5 times) came home from college and visited ffBPD for her birthday.  Since then, ffBPD has changed her Facebook profile pic to one of her and her step-sister and has started commenting on pretty much everything she posts on Facebook and Instagram.  For all intents and purposes, they still view each other as stepsisters, as well they should.  But here's where it gets complicated... .

ffBPD is bisexual, and her stepsister is a lesbian.  ffBPD's ex-boyfriend recently told me that she once asked him if he'd ever considered hooking up with his older cousin.  I suggested to him that this sounds like projection, and he replied that it's definitely possible.  ffBPD's comments to her step-sister, if from a non, wouldn't necessarily sound weird, but coming from a pwBPD, they do.  She commented twice on the same picture, one on FB and once on Instagram.  One comment was, "There aren't enough gorgeous girls like you in the world."  The other was, "I'm so glad I get to stalk your beautiful face on Facebook, Instagram, and in life."  This is something very similar that she said to me.  Prior to being friends with me, she had no interest in Twitter, but she joined so she could "stalk" me on social media.

I'm not necessarily suggesting that ffBPD is idealizing her stepsister in a sexual way, but I'm also not completely throwing that idea out the window.  Could this perhaps be a sign of a pwBPD's lack of boundaries?  Again, if she didn't have BPD, I might not even question it, but her ex-boyfriend's comment about what she said about his cousin definitely stood out as a  for me. 

I am an only child, my dad's sister is an uPD, and my mom hasn't spoken to either one of her sisters for over a decade, so I don't really know how siblings usually interact with each other.  If it helps, both of them are in their early 20s.

Any thoughts?   

[SummerStorm]

I've recently been painted black (again) and been given the silent treatment (again) from my former friend BPD.  Around the same time that this happened, ffBPD's ex step-sister (it's complicated; ffBPD's mom has been married 5 times) came home from college and visited ffBPD for her birthday.  Since then, ffBPD has changed her Facebook profile pic to one of her and her step-sister and has started commenting on pretty much everything she posts on Facebook and Instagram.  For all intents and purposes, they still view each other as stepsisters, as well they should.  But here's where it gets complicated... .

ffBPD is bisexual, and her stepsister is a lesbian.  ffBPD's ex-boyfriend recently told me that she once asked him if he'd ever considered hooking up with his older cousin.  I suggested to him that this sounds like projection, and he replied that it's definitely possible.  ffBPD's comments to her step-sister, if from a non, wouldn't necessarily sound weird, but coming from a pwBPD, they do.  She commented twice on the same picture, one on FB and once on Instagram.  One comment was, "There aren't enough gorgeous girls like you in the world."  The other was, "I'm so glad I get to stalk your beautiful face on Facebook, Instagram, and in life."  This is something very similar that she said to me.  Prior to being friends with me, she had no interest in Twitter, but she joined so she could "stalk" me on social media.

I'm not necessarily suggesting that ffBPD is idealizing her stepsister in a sexual way, but I'm also not completely throwing that idea out the window.  Could this perhaps be a sign of a pwBPD's lack of boundaries?  Again, if she didn't have BPD, I might not even question it, but her ex-boyfriend's comment about what she said about his cousin definitely stood out as a  for me. 

I am an only child, my dad's sister is an uPD, and my mom hasn't spoken to either one of her sisters for over a decade, so I don't really know how siblings usually interact with each other.  If it helps, both of them are in their early 20s.

Any thoughts?   

[Kwamina]

Hi Summerstorm and welcome to Coping & Healing

Based on those online comments she made it is difficult to tell for sure what's going on in her mind. I do see though why you wonder if there might be more going on here. Especially considering that she asked her ex-boyfriend if he'd ever considered hooking up with his own cousin.

Do you know how her stepsister responded to those online comments? Does she perhaps say similar things to ffBPD?

You say they still view each other as stepsisters, how would you generally describe the relationship they have with each other? Did she also make these kinds of comments about her stepsister before she got onto social media?

[SummerStorm]

Hi Summerstorm and welcome to Coping & Healing

Based on those online comments she made it is difficult to tell for sure what's going on in her mind. I do see though why you wonder if there might be more going on here. Especially considering that she asked her ex-boyfriend if he'd ever considered hooking up with his own cousin.

Do you know how her stepsister responded to those online comments? Does she perhaps say similar things to ffBPD?

You say they still view each other as stepsisters, how would you generally describe the relationship they have with each other? Did she also make these kinds of comments about her stepsister before she got onto social media?

Projection is obviously something that many pwBPD do, but ffBPD does it like crazy.  She also asks questions like that to gauge whether her thoughts and behaviors are appropriate.  For example, when she first slept with her ex-bf, not long after meeting him, she brought it up to me and a co-worker, basically to see if we would approve of her behavior.

In response to the "gorgeous girls" comment, the stepsister just said, "I love you, sister."  She didn't respond to the other one.  Prior to this, ffBPD would like posts from her stepsister, but she rarely posted comments.  They don't see each other often, as stepsister lives several states away.  But I was painted black when stepsister came to visit, and ffBPD did things that she knew would cause both me and her ex-bf to send her angry texts (ignoring my happy birthday to her, robbing him).  She then used that to show everyone how "normal" she is. 

Other than that, I know nothing about stepsister.  ffBPD keeps everyone in her life separate.  She never talked about stepsister.  She rarely talked about anyone.  And I never even met her ex-bf.  All I know is that they've been close for several years and that they rarely see each other.

[Kwamina]

Projection is obviously something that many pwBPD do, but ffBPD does it like crazy.  She also asks questions like that to gauge whether her thoughts and behaviors are appropriate.  For example, when she first slept with her ex-bf, not long after meeting him, she brought it up to me and a co-worker, basically to see if we would approve of her behavior.

I find this interesting. Based on what you say here it seems her problem is not just with respecting or intentionally violating boundaries, it's almost like she doesn't really know where to draw the line and needs other people to point out to he her what would be an appropriate boundary or not. Do you feel like she intentionally does inappropriate things or that it's more like she doesn't even really know or understand what is appropriate and what is not?

[SummerStorm]

Projection is obviously something that many pwBPD do, but ffBPD does it like crazy.  She also asks questions like that to gauge whether her thoughts and behaviors are appropriate.  For example, when she first slept with her ex-bf, not long after meeting him, she brought it up to me and a co-worker, basically to see if we would approve of her behavior.

I find this interesting. Based on what you say here it seems her problem is not just with respecting or intentionally violating boundaries, it's almost like she doesn't really know where to draw the line and needs other people to point out to he her what would be an appropriate boundary or not. Do you feel like she intentionally does inappropriate things or that it's more like she doesn't even really know or understand what is appropriate and what is not?

The latter, I think.  I mean, I do think that she sometimes intentionally does things that are inappropriate, but I also think she has a problem really understanding what is and isn't.  She once said to me, "I act in a socially unacceptable manner, and sometimes I forget that it hurts people."  Another time, she snapped at her boyfriend for something dumb, and when she told me about it, she sort of had that look of, "Is it wrong that I did that?"  Recently, she's been liking FB posts from her ex's brother's roommate.  To me, that seems weird.  Her ex agreed with me.

In general, I have a pretty good grasp on her and her behaviors.  Right now, she is amping up her social media activity because she has no actual friends left and is single.  She is looking for attention.  Recently, she added new pics to her Tinder profile and changed the entire tone of her bio on there.

She denies that she needs help, but I think she accepts that she has BPD.  I would imagine that she will start telling people this when she attaches and tells them everything else about her.  It will be interesting to see how that turns out.