Just need some encouragement

[Eric1]

She's just tried calling me.

[Relentless]

Love yourself. If your best friend was going through this... .Would you tell him to? What would you tell him?

Because ALL my friends told me to get out MONTHS before she left me.

They didn't say it to piss me off... .They said it the same as a friend would tell their alcoholic best friend to please stop drinking. I was in tears every other weekend... .Conditioned for it to be my fault... .

I wish other knew just how things were. I wish everyone knew how I treated my ex... .I think they must think I'm crazy or weird or a bad bf... .Or that there HAD to be SOMETHING... .With me no one saw... .If only the world knew the truth... .If only my ex knew the truth... .Even they don't know what is reality.

Be cautious Eric... .Mine is gone for good. It's a blessing and curse... .I'm thankful and upset at the same time... .But how would your life be?

A friend said to me, "Happiness in a relationship should be a constant, not a bonus."

Even if the bonus is huge... .When it's not happy bonus time... .It's F*** F*** F*** this sux time.

[turtle]

I miss her. I'm not playing second fiddle, but hearing her voice again has set me back. It probably doesn't help that i drank alot over the weekend. But, the stuff she said in the brief conversation, makes me think about everything. I'm glutton for punishment, but i want to get back with her. 

Wasn't hard to see this coming.

No one here can tell you not to go back.  YOU have to decide that for yourself.  You know the drill. You know the outcome.  You go back. You put up with more ___. Then you break up again, and pour your broken heart out here.  When the pain of being with her is finally greater than the pain of being away from her, you'll stay away from her - and the guaranteed pain that she brings into your life.

I'm sorry you're struggling. We've all been there and we all know how hard it is.

This is YOUR choice, Eric1... .if you do decide to reengage in this mess, please don't stop reading and posting here.  If you go back, you'll need more support than ever. 

turtle

[Emelie Emelie]

Eric I felt the exact same way after out first break up.  I knew what I was setting myself up for but I just couldn't let go.  I understand.  The second break up came two months after the first.  It was a rough two months.  Things just got worse.  I'm probably lucky that he dumped me the second time.  And only really reached out in the "I miss you" sense almost three months later. 

I like Turtle's response.  You're going to do what you need to do.  And we're all here to support you.

[Eric1]

I've stayed strong. Ignored the call, haven't responded.

Just baffles as to why she would still call.

[Learning_curve74]

We say her new victim, but things must be going well, otherwis i expect i would know about it. She's finally got her dream job, so everything is going well for her. I put up with ___ and her misery, now everythings going great and shes with a new person. I'm left by the gutter and he reaps what i wanted.

She has BPD. The fact of the matter is that every person she gets involved romantically with is going to get put through the same meat grinder you did. Her behavior is a learned set of responses ingrained into her personality. They are dysfunctional, that's why they are called personality disorders.

Yes the new guy might get a certain honeymoon period but as we all know it never lasts. Ask yourself this: if she was so happy with the new guy, then why did she need to call YOU? Sounds like trouble in paradise or typical BPD behavior. If you want to get involved with her again, at least you know what to expect now, right?

[Rose Tiger]

These folks are empty shells, they constantly need someone to enmesh with or they start to feel like they don't exist.  That's why she is calling you.  To use you for her own selfish gain.  And then to absorb the hatred as they turn it from themselves onto you.

Sounds like fun, huh?  Be strong friend.  When you get her out of your head, you can start working on resolving why you fell for someone that is so very bad for you.

[Eric1]

These folks are empty shells, they constantly need someone to enmesh with or they start to feel like they don't exist.  That's why she is calling you.  To use you for her own selfish gain.  And then to absorb the hatred as they turn it from themselves onto you.

Sounds like fun, huh?  Be strong friend.  When you get her out of your head, you can start working on resolving why you fell for someone that is so very bad for you.

Thats partially what I was thinking. Using me for my validation.

I am eager to know what she wanted to talk about tho.

[Rose Tiger]

I'm sure it was to find out how you're doing... .NOT.  It was something about HER to self soothe HER because it's all about HER.  Or something to further bait you with, how did she hook you in, in the past?

[Eric1]

I'm sure it was to find out how you're doing... .NOT.  It was something about HER to self soothe HER because it's all about HER.  Or something to further bait you with, how did she hook you in, in the past?

We've both been as bad as each other with contacting after the break up(s) in the passed. I pushed for reconcilation last time. I did at the begining of this break up, but have sorted myself out, and am currently where i am now.

I assume she is still seeing my replacement. She shouldn't be interested in calling me. She said on friday that it was selfish of her to call and shes sorry. Then, she rings again yesterday. Bloody women.

[Rose Tiger]

Woman.  She can't self soothe by herself.  This is her driving motivation.  They become very good at figuring out what buttons to push.  With no empathy or concern for their object.  You have one purpose in her mind and she will do whatever it takes, with no concern about how this will emotionally harm you.  She is an abuser.

[Eric1]

Strong words, rose tiger.

I'll stay strong, hopefully she won't call again.

[Rose Tiger]

That was rough to hear.  The thing is Eric, you use her, too.  To avoid dealing with something.  You were getting something out it.  For the same reasons people drink, get into workaholism, become exercise freaks, etc.  There is personal stuff people try to avoid with addictions.

[Eric1]

That was rough to hear.  The thing is Eric, you use her, too.  To avoid dealing with something.  You were getting something out it.  For the same reasons people drink, get into workaholism, become exercise freaks, etc.  There is personal stuff people try to avoid with addictions.

I wouldn't say I use her. I would say I had unrealistic expectations from the relationship I.e Children, marriage etc. Obviously this was never going to be possible because one minute she wants to get married, then she doesn't, then she wants kids, then she doesn't. I thought we had a future, I was in love.

[Rose Tiger]

I hear what you're saying, you wanted to be with her, you wanted a future.

What I'm wondering is why... .you loved a person that was physically abusive, was given to rage, belittled you, made you doubt yourself, turned on you in a heartbeat.  :)oes that make sense?  Would you want the mother of your children physically abusing them?  Raging at them?  Belittling them?

Why didn't you walk away at the first sign of abuse?

[Relentless]

@tiger rose... .

Pretty sure Eric thought it would change. I think maybe let up on the gas... .I know I would upset by now with the continued questioning.

We get it... .Challenge why... .But He will come to see these things in time. You're not wrong... .But it's fresh.

[Eric1]

I hear what you're saying, you wanted to be with her, you wanted a future.

What I'm wondering is why... .you loved a person that was physically abusive, was given to rage, belittled you, made you doubt yourself, turned on you in a heartbeat.  :)oes that make sense?  Would you want the mother of your children physically abusing them?  Raging at them?  Belittling them?

Why didn't you walk away at the first sign of abuse?

Why didn't we all walk away? We all stayed. I fell in love with her, can't do much about that. I've learnt that i can't ignore the redflags in fututre and to not wear my heart on my sleeve.

Still haven't called back & havn't received further contact.

[Rose Tiger]

True, we all stayed.  I would figure, oy, did I pick a bad one and then I moved on.  To another bad one.  And another.  I got to the point where I started looking at why I was attracted to abusers.  What was that all about?  Why did I not walk away much much sooner?  How could I love someone that was so mean to me?

There is something about us.  There's a reason why we felt comfortable and loved by people that have no capacity to love whatsoever.  Was it really love we were feeling or was it something else?  Was the draw more of trying to placate and control an abuser so that we could feel better?  Is that our self soother?

Water finds it's own level, we tend to become partners at the same mental health level.  If our partners were disordered, what does that mean about our part?

[Relentless]

I knew mine 13.5 years before dating. My dad died, 3 weeks later I went to a wedding with her as a friend... .It turned into the best first date ever. I fell in love... .For the first month or two very little flags... .Some after a month. But because I was weak and knew her so long I stayed... .

The girl before her was awesome. But I wasn't in love with her.

Anyways... .I fell into abuse... .Made to believe I was wrong and that I needed to adjust to her (mail adaptive ways, but not how I saw them at the time).

I stayed through storm after storm... .She finally left me on my birthday weekend... .Haven't heard from her since... .That was July 19/20... .I stopped trying to talk to her 4 weeks and a day ago.

I don't know... .

We have to realize that we have to stop crossing oceans for people who won't jump puddles for us.

I definitely feel like I did... .And gave 30000%... .Ok not THAT much... .But you get it. I stayed because I believed she would get better as she always said she would.

I lost more than just a gf... .I lost a longtime friend and the best companionship I ever knew... .She replaced my dad in a way... .And so when she left just over two months ago... .I had to deal with that and not having my best friend... .I would have never left... .Even if she didn't get help... .Maybe one day... .Anyways... .You're right, there is a reason we stayed... .Usually a generally deeper reason than we can think of initially.

I miss my ex dearly... .And I am also a little glad she is gone now. You'll get there.

[heartandwhole]

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