NC for 13 years - BPD Mom passed away

[Kattgirl]

 I haven't posted on these boards in several years, but I feel prompted to do so now.

My BPD  mother passed away at a ripe age in November.  We never reconciled,  or reunited,  or whatever I may have hoped against hope for at some point in time. I feel at peace with her passing (she's in God's hands now and I choose to believe He's healing her/opening her eyes). I wish her no ill will and am able to remember good times when she was able to be a good mother and person.

My sister, who's still angry about our upbringing and most likely will never move past that, collected Mom's things from her house. Among the items: her journals, dating back almost 30 years and detailing countless tales perceived hurts, slights, accounts owed but never paid. (Yes, dollar amounts included!) They are a chronicle of perpetual victimhood. And they're evidence of her disorder,  and sick, disordered mind.

I took the journals. They are, in a way, my vindication for having gone NC all those years ago,  my justification for protecting myself and my kids from her. Each time I look in them I find something new that reveals even more about her sickness and twisted thinking.

So deeply have I been affected by this, by the energy and singlemindedness it took for her to keep up the negativity,  the deprivation mindset,  for all those years,  that I've begun keeping my own "positivity journal" of sorts.

Sometimes I feel like I want to have a ceremonial burning of my mom's journals. But, poisonous as they are, they are tangible evidence of her BPD. They are, in a way, the answers I was never able to get from her.

Can anyone relate?

[JNChell]

Hello, Kattgirl. I’m sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. Especially with no closure.

My parents died in 2010. I never got closure either.  4 months apart. I didn’t cry at their funerals.

It sounds like your sister is giving you grief, but I’m not sure. What’s going on there? Also, it sounds like you’re grieving your mom. Am I somewhere in the neighborhood?

[Harri]

Hi kattgirl and welcome back.

My mother died back in 2007 and I was mostly relieved.  I've had some delayed grief popping up now but that is more about me and what I lost than anything to do with her and her life.  I do feel sorrow that she was so miserable and am often struck by how unnecessary it all was. 

I am not sure if that is quite the same that you are talking about here though.  After my mom died, I was the one to go through her things.  She was a very mild hoarder, keeping things in her small room only.  she had a lot of note books some of which I looked through.  A lot of the stuff was similar to what you describe; problems with people, me, my brother and how she prayed for us or talked with 'experts' on what needed to be done to fix the issues she saw.  Like with your mom, her writing confirmed how she was a victim.  I did find writings of her, towards the end, where she had been trying to work on bettering herself.  Some of the writing was focused on her need to control and how she had to let go.  Coming across that stuff, what seems like a step in the right direction, was pretty devastating for me.  It just amplified again how bad things were and how none of it had to be the way it was.

Does any of that sound similar to what you are talking about here?

How have you been otherwise?  Focusing on a positivity journal is a great idea.

Do you think in time you might want to let go of your moms journals? 

[Kattgirl]

Thanks so much for your thoughtful replies, Harri and JNChell.

I guess the journals are a double-edged sword. They contain a lot of pain and anger, much of it (not all) directed toward me. It hurts to read them. On the other hand, they provide vindication, validation that she really was as messed up, as paranoid as I'd thought. My youngest daughter (whom I kept sheltered from much of the toxicity over the years) believes the journals were meant to be found, meant to hurt us. All those years of mom's denials about things I knew to be true, all those declarations that I "must be imagining that" she did this or that, are more or less blown out of the water by the existence of these journals. They serve as tangible proof of her disorder.

Maybe I'll keep them until I can let go of needing that tangible evidence.

I do mourn my mother, though I didn't attend her funeral because I didn't want to be seen as a hypocrite (a label she liked to throw around). Interestingly, my sister declared she wasn't going either, for the same reason (she's been estranged for nearly 30 years). But she did show up, with her husband and all her adult kids and even in-laws in attendance. I can tell you that my mother would roll over in her grave to know about the in-laws being at her graveside. Everyone has to make their own choices about how to deal with the passing of their parents, so I hold nothing against my sister. I suspect she was motivated entirely by wanting to "appear" good, or upright, or something like that.

The thing is, I realize my mom had a mental illness, and that she had glimmers of sanity (many). I honor her memory by trying to be the type of person she (in her saner moments) brought me up to be. This may sound bizarre, but I think of her as happier in her afterlife than she could ever have been during life. The woman was waiting to die for fifty years! My belief is that she's now been liberated from a mental affliction she never chose to have.

My sister, who has an entirely different take on our mother, is filled with anger that won't dissipate. How she must have felt going into mom's house and sorting through her things, with all the hatred and resentment she holds onto. She was literally barking at her husband and throwing stuff in and out of boxes when I went to her house to go through the items. While I can't know what is really going on inside my sister's heart, she doesn't appear to have found any peace or closure. But that's her journey, I guess.

I haven't sat down and cried, but I've already been mourning the loss of my mother for a very long time now.

[Daniel H]

Hi Kattgirl, welcome back to the group and for sharing your story. I'd like to join the others in also saying sorry for the loss of your mother, that is still a hard thing to go through.

Your story was insight for everyone into what many of us may experience at some stage, which is the death of a parent who had BPD or uBPD, and there was no contact for years or reconciliation. As it was said in the book Surviving the Borderline Parent, some people don't get inside into their loved ones illness even years after that person has passed. My mother is still alive and I have had no contact for about 9 months. The thought has crossed my mind of what it might be like if she did pass and we never reconciled or spoke to one another again prior, and how i might feel. At the moment, i do hope my mother wakes up and just gets professional help, not for us but for herself. Like Harri said, I wish she could see through it all and see how unnecessary it all is to be the way she is. Through my own sadness and anger around the situation, i feel grief myself that she can't help herself and see that people do care about her and love her unconditionally and want her to be happy.

I do hope you find peace with all of this, both you and your sister. And maybe one day, you can have that ceremonial burning of the books which in some ways might be a great way of letting go of it all. But that can come in your own time and when you feel your ready to do so. I can understand how things can hold value in ways not everyone can understand, I would probably be the same.

Thank you again for telling your story.

[chronsweet]

I have had a much shorter time of no contact with my uBPD mother.  Like everyone else, I truly am sorry for the loss of your mother both recently and in the distant past.

It seems like you have been able to move past not having had a relationship with her for many years.  You do not sound judgemental and seem like you have accepted your relationship with her for what it was.

It does all seem so unnecessary, how our BPD mothers treated us and others around us.  I struggle with that a lot.  Thank you for your perspective.

[madeline7]

Hi Kattgitl,
Yes, I can definitely relate. I believe the only reason why I am currently back in a relationship with my elderly Mom is the fear of the guilt I may feel if she did pass while we were on one of our NC periods. I can also relate to holding on to the journals and writings. When my Dad passed, I found 2 suicide notes (from my Mom to him) that were in his possession. My sisters were informed and they told me to burn them. But I decided to keep them so I could be reminded why I am protecting myself and to justify my periods of NC. I don't know what I will do when the "time" comes, but my plan now is to hold onto the notes and burn them after she is gone. My husband and now adult children understand her mental illness and I hope I will be able to burn them to release the negativity and toxic cloud that has been a constant in my life.

[JNChell]

You have her journals? Wow! You have access to her thinking. I imagine that a lot of what you’re reading is painful and disheartening, but you possess your mother’s thoughts. Perhaps there’s some closure there.

My parents died 4 months apart. BPD mom and NPD dad. My sister and I had to settle the estate. On a plane or a road trip once a month at the least,  for what seemed like a very long time. We went through every piece of paper in the house and didn’t find anything like what you have. You know, I called my parents out once on the things that they did to me. It was met with denial and gaslighting.

You don’t have to read it all right away. What really stands out to me is that you have access to her thoughts. When reading those thoughts, don’t take anything that you might perceive as personal, personally.

When my sis and I were cleaning out my parents house, I combed for something like you have now. Nothing. Just a couple of things that reinforced my dad’s narcissism.

I know it’s hard right now, but it will get better. 

[DaughterOfHera]

KATTGIRL... .So very, very sorry about the passing of your mother.   By you making the effort to start this thread, you have created the opportunity to connect with those of us who understand and support you through your grieving process, and the nature of your family dynamic. 

I, too, understand about grieving for a long time before someone actually passes... .the loss of parent due to the illness... .the parent was lost to it, and lost to us.

I, too, understand about the need to hold on to some sort of validation about the disease.  Many of us, due to the nature of the disease, will never hear words of validation from that parent, nor be lucky enough to find what you did in those journals.  I support you in your need for the validation.

I, too, understand about going no-contact with a parent due to the illness.  I, too, have wondered what it will be like when my mother passes and we have not reconciled (not even possible due to illness).

I, too, sometimes respond in ways to off-set accusations and labels made against me by my uBPDm, such as yours with the "hypocrite" label.  We who have been on the receiving end of those accusations and labels can still feel them even after years of no contact and even after a passing.

I, too, understand about family having to deal with their journeys related to our parent with the disease.  Even though our processes and decisions may be different, we are all in need of healing.

I, too, understand about wanting to let go and just focus on better memories and creating positivity for moving forward.  I, too, understand about wanting to honour the sane parts of the person we have tried and tried to love and understand.

I send you, KATTGIRL, and everyone else who reads this thread with understanding and similarities in their lives, much support.  We are very fortunate to have this venue for connecting.  I send you, KATTGIRL, wishes for ease as you continue to mourn.