CFI appointed

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

After 2 years of not seeing my SD7, BPDexw has decided that she wants to see little again. She hired a lawyer. We did as well. A CFI has been appointed to this case. I am nervous. My DH and I have a safe, loving home for little. SD7 has been with us 90% of the time since the time of divorce. BPDbiomom has not contributed financially at all for little in 5 years. The court has no address or phone number for BPDbiomom. How can they do an investigation without that information?

Tell me that it will be okay. I want to not worry about my little having to go to a meth trailer in one of the meth capitals in the state.

[newlymarried]

After 2 years of not seeing my SD7, BPDexw has decided that she wants to see little again. She hired a lawyer. We did as well. A CFI has been appointed to this case. I am nervous. My DH and I have a safe, loving home for little. SD7 has been with us 90% of the time since the time of divorce. BPDbiomom has not contributed financially at all for little in 5 years. The court has no address or phone number for BPDbiomom. How can they do an investigation without that information?

Tell me that it will be okay. I want to not worry about my little having to go to a meth trailer in one of the meth capitals in the state.

[ForeverDad]

You are right to have concerns.  Her past history is a hurdle for her to overcome.  In her favor is that courts often give less weight to incidents and events as they fade into the past.  Early in my case I was listing my newly separated spouse's issues, from the most recent and going back in time.  The magistrate stopped me when I had gotten into events more than 6 months prior.  Evidently there is a point where incidents are considered legally stale or aged out of date.  That doesn't mean old incidents are totally ignored, they can still be used to establish patterns of behaviors.

Additionally, I believe her contact info and residence are valid items for her to provide for her to seek visitation to resume.

[sanemom]

That doesn't mean old incidents are totally ignored, they can still be used to establish patterns of behaviors.

That was a hurdle we had, too... .BPD mom hadn't been able to keep a job (more than 9 months), but because she had a job when the GAL was on, she must be fine.

I kept hearing Dr. Phil in my head, "The best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior."

[newlymarried]

There was CPS involvement with her about a year ago. We have text from her ex saying he helped her spoof a drug test from CPS.

My biggest concern is that the CFI could recommend that little should go to BPDbiomom. I am 58 days from graduating from nursing school. This is very frustrating. Her family knew that we want to leave where we are living when I finish.

[ForeverDad]

Does she knows you're pondering a move elsewhere?  Could that have been a trigger for her to do all this?

Check with your problem solving, proactive lawyer — at least I hope he/she is — whether your Notice of Intent to Relocate should be filed with the court now rather than wait for a separate action afterward.  One stance to take is that her awareness of the likely or impending move could have been why only now is she seeking to reconnect.  While this may not be the best comparison, could this be her version of "sour grapes" to complain belatedly about something?

While it's possible the court may consider her motion "too little, too late", she is still a parent and the court may rule that some sort of parental contact is to be allowed.  In that case then try to build in as much structure and oversight into whatever contact is ordered.  Don't be too disappointed if it's not all in DH's favor, she may eventually recede into the background again as before.

With her history (absentee parent, non support, meth and CPS history, etc) it shouldn't be too hard to block any attempt of her taking over parenting.  Still, keep in contact with peer support here.  We've been there, done that.  Take advantage of our collective experiences, suggestions and possible strategies.  And yes, in most cases it doesn't turn out as bad as we fear.

[DreamGirl]

Tell me that it will be okay.

It will be OK. 

My experience in this where my son was [legally] abandoned, there is a lot of steps the other parent has to take to establish any kind of custody. In my case, anything that required effort on his part was too much for him. Even with an attorney. The ball was in his court, and he made his choice.

If drugs were involved, I'd definitely require supervised parenting. That way meth trailers aren't an option. 

[newlymarried]

Our legal goal is to have me adopt little. BPDbiomom has done nothing to help SD7 in about 5 years. I will feel better Monday, because if she hasn't paid her part of the CFI fee; it is the beginning of supposed court sanctions. She has violated every aspect of the court's order. I am hoping that by having a lawyer, maybe consequences can happen.

[DreamGirl]

Our legal goal is to have me adopt little. BPDbiomom has done nothing to help SD7 in about 5 years. I will feel better Monday, because if she hasn't paid her part of the CFI fee; it is the beginning of supposed court sanctions. She has violated every aspect of the court's order. I am hoping that by having a lawyer, maybe consequences can happen.

So could you use that as leverage?

Waive child support so that you can do a stepparent adoption?

[newlymarried]

That is our ultimate plan for mediation. We will waive all child support if she allows me to adopt little. If not it will be supervised visits on her dime with close to 1000 a month in child support.

[livednlearned]

Tell me that it will be okay.

It will be okay for little. For you, it's a headache. You have to worry, and pay for lawyers, and wait and wait and wait some more. Bleh  

I wish we could leave our stress with a stress sitter and let someone else worry for us. I wish I could get back the years of worry I wasted over things that took my time and attention away from all the stuff that really mattered. I wish the same for you  

Having BPD and a serious drug problem does not bode well for her. Chances are she managed to be emotionally regulated enough to pull herself together, get a lawyer, and get this started. Whether she can continue to hold it together while establishing a residence, pay the lawyer, stay sober long enough to see this through is, sadly (for her), unlikely.

With my ex, I stipulated three things that would've been a piece of cake for someone mentally healthy. All he had to do was get a psych eval, take anger management classes, and submit himself to drug/alcohol counseling. He had to do all of that within 30 days and he couldn't. And he is high-functioning.

You will get dragged a bit through the mud and may have some sleepless nights, but a good lawyer will help you put lots of reasonable obstacles in biomom's way and keep court focused on little's emotional well-being.

And good luck with your degree program 

LnL

[bravhart1]

Early on in this process I worried myself sick over whether BPDm would win in court and my SD would be further put in harms way.
What I've learned is that BPDm can ask for the moon and stars, but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll get them.
Our BPDm is way outside the boundries of following even the most harmless requirements of visitation but she won't "obey" the court. Her BPD is stubborn, and they think a bit O.D.D.

So just rest assured that your stance is justified. Mom needs to "prove" worthiness in being allowed back into daughters life. She may not like it but, too bad. You stick to your guns and make it clear, you are not blocking a r/s with mom. She can have ever increasing supervised visits weekly as long as she can test clean before each visit. Right?
And if mom says "I won't do it?"
 Then look at the court and say "well, I can't be assured of daughters safety unless we do supervised reunification visits." No court could fault you. You are on solid ground.

I tell my DH all the time. "She can have her way, but she can't have mine."

[ForeverDad]

So just rest assured that your stance is justified... .She may not like it but, too bad.

Understand that in cases whether the Ex is intractable, or refusing to be reasonable or making risky choices in life, one of our greatest risks comes from ourselves.  We have lived our lives trying to be Nice Guys and Nice Gals.  Those otherwise excellent qualities can leave us unprepared to have a firm stance on good boundaries.  We can't put the misbehaving or risky parenting ahead of our own welfare or the children's welfare.  We can't afford to feel sorry for them.   Well, we can to an extent, but we can't let it weaken our proper decisions and healthy boundaries.

It's okay to be firm on protecting the children.  It's okay to have a stance that certain requirements be met before allowing unsupervised visitation.  As bravhart1 wrote, you're not blocking.  And the courts will also see that you're not blocking since there are issues and protections to be dealt with first.

[newlymarried]

Early on in this process I worried myself sick over whether BPDm would win in court and my SD would be further put in harms way.
What I've learned is that BPDm can ask for the moon and stars, but that doesn't necessarily mean she'll get them.
Our BPDm is way outside the boundries of following even the most harmless requirements of visitation but she won't "obey" the court. Her BPD is stubborn, and they think a bit O.D.D.

At this point she hasn't even given the court an address, phone number, or any way to contact her. That was part of one of the stipulations from more than 3 years ago, and she still hasn't followed it. We will be asking for drug tests before supervised visits. The hoops for supervised visits I think will be too much. Within 10 days we will know if the CFI got her 1/2 of the money. It is $1000. She has never paid anything for little. I really doubt she is going to start now.