First post - need guidance/reassurance

[roses531]

Hi there! This is my first post and I'm just looking for some guidance/reassurance.
My partner of a year doesn't have a BPD diagnosis, but he was diagnosed with emotional dysregulation and exhibits many traits of a pwBPD. He told me about this diagnosis around Thanksgiving of last year, which helped provide clarity for me about the behavior I saw from him. I immersed myself with education about the disorder: read books, looked at articles online, searched out forums just like this one. And I feel like I've been doing okay with dealing with his splitting, trying to remember this has nothing to do with me, I didn't do anything wrong, and setting boundaries about name calling and silencing his texts when he splits.

However, he has been more stressed lately because he was let go from his job and his parents (a constant source of stress for him) have moved into a new house and he feels pressured to go visit him (he lives across the country and hasn't visited "home" in several years). Because of those pressures, I feel like he is splitting more often and it's getting harder for me not to take his attacks on me personally. Logically, I understand the black and white nature of this and that when he splits, I become the villain. But emotionally, it's hard sometimes.

For example, my birthday is coming up next month. He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago that if I want to do something, I need to find the place and make the reservation (which I love since I love researching places to eat) and not take into account any of his thoughts about it. Like, he doesn't like sushi, but he was like if you want sushi, let's go, but I won't eat it, I'll just be there. However I, of course, agonized internally about where to go, thinking about the foods he likes and how expensive the bill would be. But I went with what he told me. Now, he is stressed out and attacking me for "making him go" and how he would never force me to do something that I didn't want to do. This all boils down to him believing that I don't understand him fundamentally and then him pushing me away. All I want to spend a nice evening with him as a celebration.

I always give him reassurance that I'm not leaving him and I love him and I'm here to support him. But I'm feeling lost in all of this, like I'm not even considered in the relationship at times. And it's just feels hard right now, so I just wanted to reach out for reassurance that I'm on the right path, that I'm doing ok. Just looking for some guidance and some community.

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[kells76]

Hi roses531 and

Wow, a lot has happened for you in one year -- so 9 months in he let you know about the emotional dysregulation? You must have seen some stuff before that, though, that raised questions for you. Did he voluntarily tell you, or did you raise the issue?

High stress times for pwBPD (persons with BPD) or emotional dysregulation (you'll probably see more reference to pwBPD here, but it'll apply to your situation too) can mean high stress for those around them. It would be disappointing to want to have one special day of recognition and calm, and not to get that.

It sounds like you're on the right track with not taking his behavior personally (in the sense that it isn't about you, it's about his feelings) and working to find more effective and safe ways to relate.

Tell me a little more about this:

And I feel like I've been doing okay with dealing with his splitting, trying to remember this has nothing to do with me, I didn't do anything wrong, and setting boundaries about name calling and silencing his texts when he splits.

What do those boundaries look like in practice?

I always give him reassurance that I'm not leaving him and I love him and I'm here to support him. But I'm feeling lost in all of this, like I'm not even considered in the relationship at times.

How does that look when you offer reassurance? Any text dialogs or conversations that would be an example? I.e., he texts "I just feel like we were never good for each other", then you text "No way, no matter what I'm here for you and I care about you" -- one of the strengths of this group is that we can be a "second set of eyes" on those emails, texts, and conversations. Sometimes getting outside perspective can help you find a new way forward or a more effective communication approach.

And it's just feels hard right now, so I just wanted to reach out for reassurance that I'm on the right path, that I'm doing ok. Just looking for some guidance and some community.

This is a community that gets it -- these are difficult relationships, and people stay in these relationships for all kinds of reasons.

Looking forward to hearing more, whenever works for you;

kells76

[schwing]

Hi Roses531 and

…He told me about this diagnosis around Thanksgiving of last year, which helped provide clarity for me about the behavior I saw from him. I immersed myself with education about the disorder: read books, looked at articles online, searched out forums just like this one. And I feel like I've been doing okay with dealing with his splitting, trying to remember this has nothing to do with me, I didn't do anything wrong, and setting boundaries about name calling and silencing his texts when he splits.

That he informed you of his diagnosis is a big deal.  It tells me that he’s aware (and accepts) that he has a disorder, and that he is actively seeking (professional) aid to help him deal with this disorder.  That said, you should know that (IMHO) the most trying aspect of this disorder occurs in the context of close interpersonal relationships (ie, family, life partners..).  

One way to interpret this is that the closer he feels towards you (ie, the more time you spend with him), the more he may be dealing (internally) with his own disordered feelings.  And when there’s a lot going on with his life outside of your relationship, he is very likely to feel overwhelmed.

…I feel like he is splitting more often and it's getting harder for me not to take his attacks on me personally. Logically, I understand the black and white nature of this and that when he splits, I become the villain. But emotionally, it's hard sometimes.

Intellectually, one can understand that when someone is disordered, they may exhibit behaviors associated with their disorder.  And if your association with him were formal and more distant (like an acquaintance, or a therapist), perhaps you might not be affected personally by his occasional splitting behavior.  However, you are not in that kind of relationship.  Those we keep close to our hearts, will most affect us when/if they should lash out.

For example, my birthday is coming up next month. He sent me a text a couple of weeks ago that if I want to do something, I need to find the place and make the reservation (which I love since I love researching places to eat) and not take into account any of his thoughts about it…

I find that for people with BPD (pwBPD) it is very common for them to act out on occasions of interpersonal significance, like during an anniversary celebration, or a graduation, or family holiday… or a birthday.  Some people who experience this phenomenon might describe it as selfish behavior, where pwBPD try to make it all about themselves or some such interpretation.  I’ve come to believe that it is on these occasions, these intimate occasions, that their disordered feelings become heightened.  In general, (I believe) that for pwBPD, on any occasion when they might feel increased closeness or intimacy, those feelings subsequently trigger their (disordered) fears of abandonment.

This all boils down to him believing that I don't understand him fundamentally and then him pushing me away. All I want to spend a nice evening with him as a celebration.

I understand that you just want to spend a nice evening with him as a celebration.  But you may need to decide if this kind of behavior is something you’re willing to work with in the future because these kinds of episodes are likely to persist.  Hopefully, this is something he will be able to work on with his therapist.  But you also need to do what is right for you.

I always give him reassurance that I'm not leaving him and I love him and I'm here to support him. But I'm feeling lost in all of this, like I'm not even considered in the relationship at times.

It’s great that you’re reassuring him.  Sadly I don’t think what we tell them greatly helps them deal with their disordered feelings.  It might make them feel reassured at the moment, and maybe even possibly feel closer to us when we are with them; but when we are not there… they may have a very hard time.

I hope some of this helps.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[roses531]

Hi Kells  , thanks for responding! I got so emotional just having someone reach out, so appreciative.

 

so 9 months in he let you know about the emotional dysregulation? You must have seen some stuff before that, though, that raised questions for you. Did he voluntarily tell you, or did you raise the issue?

Yeah, definitely dealt with what I thought at the time was strange behavior. We would get into fights and some days have a complete 180 with behavior. He could be very loving and affectionate to then seemingly hating everything I did. I told him a couple times that I wondered if he even liked me, which he was completely taken aback by. He told me about the dysregulation unprompted after he split on Thanksgiving.

What do those boundaries look like in practice?

So in regards to boundaries, after a couple of splitting episodes where he called me such cruel names and then he finally told me about the dysregulation, I did research about BPD. We talked about what he was going through and I simply said that if he called me names in an abusive way, then I would be done with the relationship. And while he has gotten mad and lashed out since then, he has not been cruel like he was before. In regards to silencing his texts, he was actually the one to tell me the best thing I could do when he was splitting was to ignore him. So, even though it is hard not to respond (and sometimes I do, not knowing he is starting to split), I mute his texts and then wait for him to reach out. And we make sure to talk about what happened and how I feel after a couple of days.

How does that look when you offer reassurance?

When he is splitting and he is sending me a million texts a minute, his texts usually focus on how I don't understand him and he thinks we should just call it. I usually send something along the lines of "I love you very much and I know that right now you want to push me away and that's ok but I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to be here for you and it's important for you to know that you can rely on me".

And it's hard emotionally because he knows my weaknesses and how to activate my insecurities so well, so I just have a hard time when these attacks are so personal. Even though I logically understand what's going on.

I hope that provides you a little more insight into my situation.

Thanks for listening

[roses531]

Hi schwing 

That he informed you of his diagnosis is a big deal.  It tells me that he’s aware (and accepts) that he has a disorder, and that he is actively seeking (professional) aid to help him deal with this disorder. 

Yes, I'm glad that he did tell me about his diagnosis because it was like I was missing a big puzzle piece and things are finally were making sense. However, he isn't currently in therapy. He has been previously and we initially tried couples therapy, but it didn't end up coming together. We are both in our 40s and he has told me that his coping mechanisms have improved with age.

However, as you said:

And when there’s a lot going on with his life outside of your relationship, he is very likely to feel overwhelmed.

Because of his family (a seemingly constant source of stress) and now the loss of his job and him having to navigate the bureaucracy of unemployment and health insurance, his dysregulation is happening a lot more. Also, I don't know if this is a BPD thing or not, but he gets upset that I just don't intuitively know how to help him or what he needs.

Those we keep close to our hearts, will most affect us when/if they should lash out.

Yeah, I definitely feel this. And I believe that the closer we get, the more he might feel stressed and split. We have talked about how being vulnerable is so scary for him (and I'm like join the club ).

I understand that you just want to spend a nice evening with him as a celebration.  But you may need to decide if this kind of behavior is something you’re willing to work with in the future because these kinds of episodes are likely to persist. 

Yes, this is something I need to think about. I don't want to feel like I'm doing all the work in this relationship and making all the sacrifices. He is a great man and he takes care of me, but just like in any relationship, there needs to be give and take and compromises.

Thanks so much for responding and giving me your insight. All of this is so helpful.