Setting Boundaries with My Adult Child

[qcarolr]

As I walked into my home office area this morning my eyes fell on a book sitting among a lot of other books. The title "Setting Boundaries with Your Adult Child: Six Steps to Hope and Healing for Struggling Parents", Allison Bottke. Her adult son has a PD that was labeled as Antisocial. Her story is so close to that of my DD27 in so many ways. Many ideas in this book are supported by the tools and lessons in the sidebar to the right and by many of the tools suggested in Valerie Porr's book "Overcoming BPD".

It has been there awhile - published in 2008 my guess is about 5 years. That is when I sought counseling, attended an Al-Anon group weekly, kicked my DD27 out of the house for the first time. When I broke down in 2011 and allowed her back into our home, I moved away from these resources and once again believed I could manage all this on my own. Dh and I were not a very good team at that point -- I was over-engaged in resucing DD, he withdrew as often as possible.

Seems clear to me this morning that I was not able to 'get' what this author had to offer me. Hmmmmm. Yet reading through it today, I have made attempts make a plan to stop enabling DD, however inconsistently. Maybe part of my resistance was the underlying Biblical references to support the changes I needed in this book. I was in a distant place with my faith at that time - feeling abandoned by God for a long time. Hmmmm - maybe I had abandoned God. This book has a lot of valuable strategies even for those of different beliefs.

What have I done in the past 5 years:

Al-Anon for about 18 months laid a foundation and gave me a new experience of support as a parent.

bpdfamily becoming a part of my daily life and giving me so much sanity, friendship and exposure to the healing I have to do -- learning ever so slowly that I have to let go of DD. This was a life saving step in  2009 for me, and helped me find the courage to have DD out of our home - even though she was homeless. And maybe that will be her niche in life - to be in a homeless community. This is her choice, and I cannot force her to choose otherwise.

Accepting my need for support in a faith community - accepting an invitation by a neighbor into a church with a very recovery, healing focus.

Overcoming my resistance and shyness to reach out to women in the church. It has been over 2 years and I am starting to feel a friendship connections to a few people there.

Overcoming my resistance and attending the 12-Step group at this church consistently.

Being open to the woman that has accepted sponsoring me in working the 12 steps; esp. step 4 that was really what stopped me in the Al-Anon group in 2011.

Finding therpists that I can work with, that get what I am needing to do.

Really putting gd's needs as a priority, and accepting that letting go of DD is required for me to do this.

Focusing on my marriage as a key to my survival and sanity. Dh is a good man, he is a smart man and I am learning to listen to him. I am not the one that is always "right".

The final piece of this recital is that this is very very hard work to do. It is painful beyond belief, and most of you live this pain too. My faith has helped me to better understand my values and priorities. To know that there are ways to let go of my DD and still love her wholeheartedly. This is what interferes more than anything - finding the path to loving her and letting her live her own life, be held accountable for her own choices. 

Now to figure out this next stage. Regardless of whether the courts give her another chance at probation in a different program or have her serve a longer jail sentence, Dh and I have to get clear with ourselves on what we will do for her and what we will not do for her. With our time and with our money and we have to write this out together.

I am giving myself a pep talk here. Can I really stick to a plan this time? Maybe - I have reached out and have a lot of support into my life now. And a trust in my faith that has never been stronger.

Thanks for so many prayers and all the encouragement. I am going to need it.

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[pessim-optimist]

Thank you for sharing all this qcr!

I will definitely check out that book - too.

You have gone through a lot with DD. So much has happened over the years... .

Now to figure out this next stage.

... . Dh and I have to get clear with ourselves on what we will do for her and what we will not do for her. With our time and with our money and we have to write this out together.

I am giving myself a pep talk here. Can I really stick to a plan this time? Maybe - I have reached out and have a lot of support into my life now. And a trust in my faith that has never been stronger.

I think that once you figure out together with your dh what you are/aren't willing to do based on your values and regardless of DD's situation, then filter the situations through this particular lens, you stand a good chance of being able to stick to it. If the plan is too vague or based on vague values, then you may waver... .