Found out my ex-GF has BPD as we broke up...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hello everyone,

After reading this site for the past two weeks, I've decided to write my first post.

I met a nice girl about 7 months ago. We quickly started dating and things were going very well for the first 4-5 months ago. She was always bubbly and supportive. Even when we had arguments, she would stay very calm and we'd work out everything without too much drama. We seemed to be a perfect fit. I thought I'd hit the jackpot!

Things started getting weird when she moved in full time. Essentially she was complaining about the most minor things all the time -- and also suddenly wanted to break up every other week or so. It turned out to be such a regular occurrence that I became desensitized to it.

The last time we had a temporary break up, she left for two weeks and rented a room at the university campus. We had dinner one night and after what I thought was our final break up, she texts me the next morning saying that she actually wanted to come back home with me...

I said I can let her stay at my place but we needed to sort things out as otherwise we were going to end up in another train wreck. She said fine.

Three days letter, she writes me a letter saying she needs me to decide and essentially gave me an ultimatum. Either we are back together or she's gone for good.

I didn't even time to answer before she got drunk and threatened to commit suicide. She was walking around the house with a big knife and cut herself (superficially) in front of me. She said she'd die at my place because I deserved it for breaking her heart.

The truth is, I wasn't even going to break up with her! But I wanted us to commit to weekly therapy for sure.

In any case, I ended up having to call 911. The cops came, assessed that she was fine and left a few hours later. Since then my ex-GF has called me the worst human being for essentially calling 911 when I was supposed to.

I miss the girl who spent countless hours trying to show me how to swim, how to feel better about myself. She was wonderful. But with all the mess that happened... Sigh...

Thank you for reading.

[Reggie55]

Hello everyone,

After reading this site for the past two weeks, I've decided to write my first post.

I met a nice girl about 7 months ago. We quickly started dating and things were going very well for the first 4-5 months ago. She was always bubbly and supportive. Even when we had arguments, she would stay very calm and we'd work out everything without too much drama. We seemed to be a perfect fit. I thought I'd hit the jackpot!

Things started getting weird when she moved in full time. Essentially she was complaining about the most minor things all the time -- and also suddenly wanted to break up every other week or so. It turned out to be such a regular occurrence that I became desensitized to it.

The last time we had a temporary break up, she left for two weeks and rented a room at the university campus. We had dinner one night and after what I thought was our final break up, she texts me the next morning saying that she actually wanted to come back home with me...

I said I can let her stay at my place but we needed to sort things out as otherwise we were going to end up in another train wreck. She said fine.

Three days letter, she writes me a letter saying she needs me to decide and essentially gave me an ultimatum. Either we are back together or she's gone for good.

I didn't even time to answer before she got drunk and threatened to commit suicide. She was walking around the house with a big knife and cut herself (superficially) in front of me. She said she'd die at my place because I deserved it for breaking her heart.

The truth is, I wasn't even going to break up with her! But I wanted us to commit to weekly therapy for sure.

In any case, I ended up having to call 911. The cops came, assessed that she was fine and left a few hours later. Since then my ex-GF has called me the worst human being for essentially calling 911 when I was supposed to.

I miss the girl who spent countless hours trying to show me how to swim, how to feel better about myself. She was wonderful. But with all the mess that happened... Sigh...

Thank you for reading.

[SinisterComplex]

Reggie, this perhaps the best resource you will find. There are so many stories that will resemble yours. Just understand that you are not alone and that your situation isn't necessarily unique and you have nothing to be ashamed of, feel guilty about, or embarrassed about.

Also, the person isn't the problem. It is the beast within. No one can tell you how to feel. What I can say is that do not blame yourself and just worry about YOU. It is not being selfish. It is not your job or responsibility to worry about her.

Do not let this situation color your lens and ruin your future opportunities or prevent you from allowing in a partner who is healthy.

Thank you for sharing and I wish the best in your healing journey.

Cheers!

[Reggie55]

Thanks for your supportive words, SinisterComplex.

I realize none of this is my fault -- but I can't help feeling bad for the girl who has been my partner and my best friend in the last several months.

She moved out of her apartment and took time off of work to be with me -- but then she sabotaged the relationship because of her illness.  In her perception, I lured her into my home and then kicked her out because I suddenly lost interest. 

Of course, that is false.  I started losing interest because she left and came back several times -- and also because she said mean things to me that were totally unwarranted.  I wasn't hurt but I thought it was really weird.

I'm a "nice guy" with co-dependent tendencies -- but I'm not actually co-dependent.  My limit is clear -- I want my GF to be nice to me.  It doesn't matter how pretty I think she is, I'm not making a long term commitment unless I can trust the girl's temper.

My headshrinker thinks my ex will be upset for another couple of weeks.  It may seem stupid to many of you but I really want to be in good terms with her.  I think I'm strong enough to maintain a proper distance.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Reggie, Welcome!  How did you figure out that your Ex suffers from BPD?  Many of us, including me, were in the dark for years because BPD is largely under the radar.  I had never heard of the disorder until a T loaned me her copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells (SWOE).  At first, I thought, No Way; then I thought, Could Be; then I had to admit, Definitely BPD.  It was an eye-opening experience. 

LuckyJim

[Reggie55]

Hi Jim,

Thanks for the welcome!

I actually found out on the very last night when her mom spoke to the police on speakerphone.

I was fully aware of what BPD is and I should've known all along but somehow the thought never crossed my mind.

[SinisterComplex]

Reggie, I am of the mind that always do YOU. However, exercise extreme caution and create very firm and strong boundaries and do not under any circumstances relent. I do not think you are stupid nor would I ever say as such. You are human. You have feelings and you have to live and learn on your own terms.

Just be willing to walk away if your boundaries get crossed no matter if you want to do it or not. Remember...respect matters more than being liked and being nice in these scenarios.

I truly wish you the best moving forward my friend.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Reggie55]

Thanks again, SinisterComplex.

Oddly, one of the last items of hers that are still here is her violin...  Makes me cry every time I open the case.

She wrote to me a few days ago.  For the first time since the breakup, there was no insult in her email.  She asked me whether she could have the desk I had bought her...

Not sure whether that was just an excuse to get in my head again.