Did I date another disordered person?

[Lady Itone]

Hi all,

I need a reality check. A woman I was briefly involved with (a month and a half,) I ended things with her almost 3 months ago, left me an abusive voicemail last night, and it got me spinning.

Several year ago, a 5 month long affair with a probable uNPD threw me into a dark place, then a couple years back I tangled with a likely uBPD woman for 2 1/2 years, on and off. To my credit, I got out of this toxic relationship much faster than those, but I still took me a minute to totally recognize and accept that this might be happening again.

I screwed up by accepting sex and companionship from her while simultaneously telling her I didn't want a relationship with her. I knew it wasn't right. But I'd been dumped a month earlier by my girlfriend of 8 1/2 months, for another woman, and I was in stupid pain. Plus, I genuinely liked this lady and enjoyed her company.

The lovebombing was way intense. The first time we had sex, it was because she begged me. Told me I didn't have to do anything to please her. She was a bulldozer, always pushing my boundaries, not taking "no" for an answer. She texted constantly. Presents. Flowers. Plans and promises. I told her I was uncomfortable, but it just kept coming.

I told her to stop lovebombing, I saw it for manipulation, though she acted super-offended that I thought she might be a narcissist. She definitely didn't seem cold and without empathy like the NPD I dated. BPD? Maybe an HSP--but I haven't heard much about "histrionic?" How does it differ from Borderline? 

All in all, I spend 3 weekends with her (we lived a few hours apart.) I  kept hoping I was wrong about her, and maybe my feelings for her would grow, because she is smart, accomplished, very funny, kind to animals, friends and family. Plus, nicer to have someone "too" into me after getting dumped by my ex (who didn't have a personality disorder, but did seem to have a Fearful-Avoidant attachment style.) I was always honest with this woman that I wasn't feeling for her the grand emotions she seemed to feel for me.

She avoided eye contact with others, but stared hard at me. She was rude to waitstaff, overtly sexual in things she said, though not in how she dressed. She started wearing dresses because I said I preferred them to jeans. She seemed sometimes to be performing intense emotions, like a bad actress. Everything so dramatic. She said she'd been gang-raped, her ex wife abused and gaslighted her. I know these things happen to people, but I just didn't know what to think about how often and how brutally she'd been victimized.

I saw my opportunity to bow out with some grace when she was about to take a job in a different state for the next 4 to 6 months. She threw a weeping, raging fit when I refused to promise exclusivity while she was gone. I admitted I'd talked to another woman online an planned to meet her (she was also still talking to women online.) She had it in her mind that when she came back, she'd move to my city to be with me. She thought I was "the one," and anything I said contrary to that did not seem to register.

I finally grew a proverbial pair and told her I was done, I didn't want to continue whatever we were doing. As she was driving home after that conversation, she got in a car wreck and claimed to hit her head and couldn't recall our talk, so I got to break up with her all over again (while bouquets of flowers arrived at my door.)

Maybe two weeks later, she called to tell me she met, fell in love with, and got engaged to another woman.

I pointed out this was proof that her feelings for me were not real. I had fallen into a bit of a depression, and she sensed it and used it as an excuse to try to contact me more often, then her new girlfriend contacted me and told me not to talk to her anymore, because I was upsetting her. Fine.

Then, this woman blocked me on social media, but still called me maybe once a week. I never initiated contact, but a few times picked up or returned her calls. Truth was, I missed her sharp mind, plus I didn't want to be a jerk to her.

Last time we spoke was right before Thanksgiving. She invited me to come visit her while she was back in state for a few days, I declined. She said things that made me feel bad about some of my behavior during our "relationship." I apologized for giving her the wrong impression, for not being more clear and grounded so that I came off hot and cold, I own that. I didn't mean to hurt her or lead her on in any way, but I did. Anyway, the call got disconnected (or she hung up when her fiancee walked in?) I tried to call her back and went right to voicemail.

The next day, I really thought about how talking to her made me feel (guilt, anxiety, unease) and I blocked her. Unfortunately, she can still leave a message. Last night, she left a horrible message saying I took advantage of her sexually and financially. She called me "a narcissist, a monster, a projection, with nothing inside," said I was garbage and the "worst person she'd ever met" (worse than her rapists and the ex who beat her?) She said I was the most horrible lover she'd ever had, and...well, I didn't listen to the rest.

I admit I could've done better and cut her lose sooner, but I don't think I deserved all that. Or did I? What just happened? Did I dance with another disordered person, or is this just the justifiable wrath of a woman scorned?

[Forgiveness]

I can't diagnose her but there is no situation in life where an abusive voicemail is ok. Many other things she did were not OK either. My ex was also super rude to waitstaff and I hated that. I would sometimes give them an apologetic look when she turned her back.

It looks like you've run into a pattern with different types and flavors of drama with women. Maybe something is exciting about the drama? I know I have felt that. I also miss the intense conversations with my girlfriend. She was so smart and fun. I think I might be drawn to intense people, but I really do better when I'm with a calm person.

What do you think? When you meet an intense person with a lot of drama, what's the appeal?

[Lady Itone]

Thanks, Forgiveness,

I gravitate towards people who are either emotionally too hot (exBPD, ex husband with the fiery temper.)  Or people who are too cool (exNPD, FA woman who dumped me.)

I myself run emotionally hot, so I understand why I'm attracted to the cool people, they calm me. Unless they're too cold, then I become anxious and upset.

My last girlfriend was so calming to me during the several months that she was actually both feet in with me. I felt so much peace when I was with her. I would really like to try someone with that laid-back energy again, except, you know--someone who will actually love me back.

The flip side of the coin, the drama women/men, well, they're crazy about me. They're the ones who stay long term, they're my longest relationships (sometimes because I can't shake 'em.) They love me hard, and I want to be loved hard. I like a lot of attention. But of course, eventually they drive me crazy and I have to leave them.   

People who are somewhere in the middle? Idk maybe those are the dates that "fizzle out." Not sure if they're not into me, or I'm not into them, or both. What shows up in my life is always too hot or too cold.

[zachira]

You are wondering if you dated another disordered person. From everything you have described about her, I would say yes. I would also say that it can be very rewarding to take a long break from relationships after being in a disordered one, and to work on getting to a place where you only are interested in healthy people for a relationship. It took me years of therapy to get to the point where the healthy people now want me and I have enough self esteem to want them, and the unhealthy people just don't seem as interested in me any more. You have taken one of the first steps in changing the type of people you go out with and who is attracted to you by reaching out and asking questions about your past relationships. Just keep learning about yourself, what feels right, and you will get to a healthy place with yourself and relationships.

[SinisterComplex]

First, no the abusive behavior is never justified. Second, can't give out an armchair diagnosis. I am just going to side with a safe educated guess and say she isn't emotionally mature and hasn't developed enough maturity yet.

Do not blame yourself for implementing self-preservation actions. You did the right thing by making the best decision for you.

Forgiveness, I would say the appeal of an intense person is the adrenaline rush it stirs in you. What some may call the Dopamine Halo effect. However, everyone reacts and responds differently so who really knows. I know dopamine is both my friend and enemy....

Similar to yourself...I do much better when I am around calmer people, but who have an underlying intensity and passion...i.e. people who are more about progression and not complacency.

Cheers!

-SC-

[Lady Itone]

Thanks guys,

Nice to hear I didn't deserve that phone call. She didn't even sound like she meant what she said, it was like listening to someone performing (badly) a monologue. So strange. We really only spent maybe 5 nights together before it fell apart, and now she's engaged to another woman, and I'm alone. I don't get what she gains by knocking me down.

I also think one of the reasons I keep encountering these types is I'm dealing with a very limited dating pool (I'm over 45, queer, and live in a small city.) Emotionally available, stable, attractive options-well, I sure hope I meet one soon. I'm trying not to internalize what she said, but it smarts to know that reaching out for connection to another human being can end in a character assassination.   

[SinisterComplex]

So young lady ;-). First quit putting yourself into an Indiana Jones like booby trap like the ceiling and walls are closing in on you. Your age is just a number and I do not care if you are queer, a smurf, and came from a cave below the surface or whatever...makes no difference. Respect yourself. Love yourself. Learn to view yourself from a place of power and think from a place of abundance and not scarcity. I cannot stress this enough. I mean hey I've attracted some real pieces of work into my life too. Sh*t happens. However, I also have one hell of an awesome support network and have crafted many fulfilling friendships through the years...in my honest opinion friendships trump relationships every day of the week and twice on Sunday! I have dated some good women too and my fair share of crappy nightmares too.

I think one thing to keep in mind to help you is that the disordered individuals will be attracted into your life when you are in a place of weakness, desperation, and thinking from a scarcity mindset. That is when it has happened to me. However, all relationships serve their purpose and there are always lessons to be learned. So what lesson do you think you needed to learn? I truly do believe in the ideal that people come into your life for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. A big part of figuring that out is also figuring out karmic relationships. If you keep running into the same patterns, partners, and issues there is a central lesson to be learned. Think chaos theory...everything only seems random until you step back and put the pieces of the puzzle together.

You win some and you lose some. Take the bad with the good. You will most likely find a great partner and it will come naturally to you, but you have to believe in it and yourself first. :-)

Cheers and all the best to you...you deserve it!

-SC-