An Abrupt Ending

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hello,

I will start by stating that I do not know whether the person that I write about below has diagnosed BPD, but after reflecting and researching, she clearly demonstrated BPD traits, and she had other diagnosed mental health conditions, which I will highlight in the below. This post is mainly a way for me to communicate a confusing experience that happened to me recently (it helps) and to hear others' views and hopefully similar experiences.

I met a someone through Hinge (I'm 25 male, she 23 female), in October. The messaging on Hinge was quite back and forth. She would reply very quickly. I usually try to restrain from being too instant but it was fun and the girl I was dating before cut things off a month before, so I was feeling quite lonely.. We moved the messaging to Whatsapp and again, the messaging was instant and fun. She always replied quickly so I mirrored it.

1st Date:
Typical first date. We met for a few drinks at a pub. She was very anxious and couldn't sit still, constantly checking her phone and looking very spaced out, not really talking straight. I thought it was cute that seemed so nervous. It was fun, we clicked, and I took an instant liking to her. I also learned that she had a past eating disorder. I didn't pry any further on that - not on a first date. I walked her to the train station, said it would be nice to do it again, she agreed, we had a pretty romantic kiss, and we went our own ways.

Needless to say the messaging became constant again, more fun and flirty, getting to know each other a bit more, asking how our days were going, what we're doing, sending pictures, the usual.

2nd Date:
Typical second date. We met again one week after the first and got to know each other better in person. Great body language, we both knew that we were feeling it and that we'd sleep with each other later.. After 2 pints we went to another pub for a change of scenery.

Things got deep in that second pub. She shared a lot of personal info. I asked her what she saw herself doing as a career. Her answer was: "To be honest I never thought I'd get to this age. I tried to kill myself in the past. I just want to be happy." I also learned that she had been raped, and that her eating disorder had been anorexia (I think the anorexia was her coping mechanism for the rape). There was other information about depression and anxiety. I didn't really know how to react to everything but felt a surge of empathy for her as, while not anywhere near as bad, I've had my fair share of depression. I was a bit speechless, but she said she wanted me to open up, so I did a little, but nothing like what she said. She had also mentioned that she had finished with her boyfriend of 4 years (which had been on and off) in August. I guess after all that it felt like there was some sort of connection. She kept getting closer to kiss.

After the 4th pint of the night we went back to mine for a pretty intimate night. I have to admit, I was pretty smitten when I woke up. We had sex again in the morning, had breakfast, watched some tv with her lay on me. All very lovely and romantic.

She leaves, the messaging continues and I up the flirtiness (which later was turned around to bite me..). She messages asking what I'm doing that night, I reply with "wishing I was spending it with you.." (in a jokey way), which see found funny and took well. I said my pillow smelled of her, that kinda stuff (I was infatuated!)

The weekend came. I was busy with my band mate. My band mate is a girl, my best friend and who I love a lot (as a friend). I didn't message my date for most of Sunday because I was recording, but after recording I messaged her to get the conversation going again. Usual talk, then I asked if she wanted to hear the new song. I sent it to her. She didn't respond to it, but rather asked about the song title. I explained that it wasn't actually called what it was, but that my band mate had chosen it quickly before we left. Her reply was: "Right. What's the deal with her?" I asked what she meant, she gave a shrug emoji, and that was the end of that conversation that night. I wasn't sure if she was sarcastically suggesting if my band mate had problems, or if I was in a romantic relationship with her. My anxiety caused me to think the latter and I was worried that she thought that.

I pick the conversation back up the next morning but it felt different. She just seemed more distant/ giving shorter messages, and for the first time she messaged about what she had been eating (this became the first of many). I later asked if I could take her out to dinner in the week. She said yep. Awesome, and the conversation picked back up, but from then, more messages
about what she was eating, or rather what she wasn't eating, calories, and things like "I wish it was healthy to get all your calories from alcohol", became frequent. It seemed that her past eating disorder was still quite prevalent in her mind. One message was: "I'm literally craving cardiovascular excercise". Conversation still continued, though the messages just became more eating disordery and health related. I found out she was on fluoxetine (anti-depressants), and she messaged once with: "I think I'm actually having a heart attack", which she later said was probably due to a minor heart ailment that she had. It felt like I was becomming her personal therapist..

3rd Date (dinner):
She messaged me to say she's in a bad mood and that food was the worst that day. I asked if I should cancel the table, she said no. We meet for a drink first and she just seemed like a different person to the one I had met before. We go to the restaurant, all good, but she doesn't really eat much. After, I suggest we go to a bar closer to mine, she says that she wants to sleep in her own bed that night. No problem at all. Obviously I'm not going to force anyone to do anything, but I must admit that I was a little disappointed - I thought we'd have another intimate night. We walk to another pub, I stop her to kiss her but she wasn't into it, so I felt a bit awkward.

There was an awkward silence in the pub. My intuition told me that she wasn't feeling it and she didn't seem okay. I wanted to get to know her more, given all the personal things she had told told me. I asked how long she'd been on antidepressants for. She said about 4 years, but that it was a very personal question. I apologised and again felt a bit awkward. She was acting a bit strange and it was obvious she didn't want to be there anymore. She told me to entertain her. I said that I was trying but that it's hard when my date is acting like this (as a joke). She started apologising and saying that she was so close to cancelling, that she was having menstrual pains, and that she was a huge introvert and needed time to recharge. I didn't really know what to say and felt quite weird that she apologising - I assured her there was no need to apoligise for anything. Then she starts kissing me, I say this is making me really want you to come back to mine (joke), I tell her I don't just want to sleep with her and that I just wanted to lie next to her. Pretty deep talk I know, but I was infatuated! She said she could do something on the weekend. I say sure but that I'm not the kind of guy to push, so asked her to let me know if she wanted to do this or not. I also asked what she meant when she asked what's the deal with my band mate. She said she understands how it may have sounded but that she meant if she had problems. I told her I thought she meant that we were sleeping with each other, to which she said: "no, but have you?" I explained that I was like a brother to my band mate and that I help her a lot, because she does actually have mental problems herself..

We leave. I walk her to the train station. I instiagate some pretty intense kissing a couple of times on the way, I put my arms round her, trying to keep it romantic. Long goodbye kiss outside the station. I say "come back" to her in a cute way, she says she wants her own bed, I say that's fair enough. We go our separate ways. I reach out to hold her coat and bring her in for a cheeky kiss. Trying to keep it romantic..

She messaged after: "thank you so much for dinner x", we message a bit that night and conversation carries on in the morning. More messages about food, calories. We arrange to go out Saturday.

Friday:
Conversation the same, then on the night she says she wants to go the pub. I say I would but wouldn't be free til later, she asks what I'm doing, I told her I had friends coming over and that she'd be welcome to come (not expecting her to come..), then she lists everything that she's eaten and that she gets so many calories from alcohol. I tell her it's important to eat properly, she says it's bull**** and that you should listen to your body. I disagree with the former but agree that you should listen to your body. We arrange what we'll do the next evening.

Plans made, then later I get a huge paragraph saying that pursuing this will be unhealthy for her, she thinks it would get too deep too quick, she doesn't want to lead me on, that it had been a weird week and the other night (dinner date) put things in perspective for her, she needs time to herself etc. I was super confused but I'm really not going to push back, so I say that's fair enough, that's a shame, and I hope that she's okay as I can tell she's going through a rough patch. She says it's weird and that she's never felt like this before. I ask what she means, she says: "ending something for my own good". I tell her you always need to put yourself first, that I agreed it was getting deep pretty quick but thought it was cute, but also that I was a little confused but it's fine. I ask if she wants to leave it here or meet up for a last time. She says we should leave it here unless I want to. I say it would be nice, she says it's up to me, so I say let's do it. However, she can no longer do Saturday because she booked a gym session instead, and suggests Sunday, to which I say I can't do.

On Sunday morning, I feel like it would be actually be good to meet so I say I can be free. She says she's had a **** weekend so she doesn't know, then messages 2 hours later to say it's up to me, then 2 hours again after to say she can do a weekday. I just ignored them and thought it better to just move on, so I message her the day after saying I'm sorry she had a **** weekend and hope that she's okay.

A week later, I find I'm still analysing everything in my mind so I message her asking what she meant when she said it was for her own good to end it. She later replies saying it was a feeling in the gut, and that she wasn't comfortable with the intensity and that she wanted time to herself to grow. She also said we could still meet up if I wanted to. I say that I wasn't very comfortable with it either, but that I thought what the heck, I say that it got a bit carried away on the 2nd date, and I say it would be good to catchup at somepoint. She said that it wasn't so much the 2nd date but more in the wake of it. I agree and say that it felt like she was feeling it so it was my bad for gauging it wrong. I didn't think she'd reply to that but she did later at night, saying: "you said that you wished you were spending the night with me again and that your pillow smelled of me. That was way too much. Terrifying vibes."

That really hurt. I let myself fall for her too soon because it really felt like she was feeling the same and she threw it right back in my face. I said that it was supposed to be sweet and funny, sorry that she took it in a negative way, and then said let's leave it here. She replied with "indeed". This was about a month ago now and we haven't messaged. We only went on 3 dates over the course of about 2-3 weeks, but I haven't felt so low and hurt in years. I dived head first into it and it's really broken me. I even came back home for almost 2 weeks to be around my family because I felt so low. Thankfully I have a job where I am able to work from home.

The whole thing has left me feeling strange and hurt. I feel like a fool for getting carried away with it. I guess when she told me about her past it hit some emotion in me and I thought that she was totally up for something romantic, and then when she said that what I had said was terrifying, that really made me me feel like a bit of a creep. It really felt like she just said it to hurt me. She may well have perceived my message as negative and so reacted that way. Who knows..

Anyway, sorry for the length! I would love to hear people's thoughts and if anyone has similar stories to tell. Does it sound BDP-relatable?

Cheers.

[savannahtree]

Hello,

I will start by stating that I do not know whether the person that I write about below has diagnosed BPD, but after reflecting and researching, she clearly demonstrated BPD traits, and she had other diagnosed mental health conditions, which I will highlight in the below. This post is mainly a way for me to communicate a confusing experience that happened to me recently (it helps) and to hear others' views and hopefully similar experiences.

I met a someone through Hinge (I'm 25 male, she 23 female), in October. The messaging on Hinge was quite back and forth. She would reply very quickly. I usually try to restrain from being too instant but it was fun and the girl I was dating before cut things off a month before, so I was feeling quite lonely.. We moved the messaging to Whatsapp and again, the messaging was instant and fun. She always replied quickly so I mirrored it.

1st Date:
Typical first date. We met for a few drinks at a pub. She was very anxious and couldn't sit still, constantly checking her phone and looking very spaced out, not really talking straight. I thought it was cute that seemed so nervous. It was fun, we clicked, and I took an instant liking to her. I also learned that she had a past eating disorder. I didn't pry any further on that - not on a first date. I walked her to the train station, said it would be nice to do it again, she agreed, we had a pretty romantic kiss, and we went our own ways.

Needless to say the messaging became constant again, more fun and flirty, getting to know each other a bit more, asking how our days were going, what we're doing, sending pictures, the usual.

2nd Date:
Typical second date. We met again one week after the first and got to know each other better in person. Great body language, we both knew that we were feeling it and that we'd sleep with each other later.. After 2 pints we went to another pub for a change of scenery.

Things got deep in that second pub. She shared a lot of personal info. I asked her what she saw herself doing as a career. Her answer was: "To be honest I never thought I'd get to this age. I tried to kill myself in the past. I just want to be happy." I also learned that she had been raped, and that her eating disorder had been anorexia (I think the anorexia was her coping mechanism for the rape). There was other information about depression and anxiety. I didn't really know how to react to everything but felt a surge of empathy for her as, while not anywhere near as bad, I've had my fair share of depression. I was a bit speechless, but she said she wanted me to open up, so I did a little, but nothing like what she said. She had also mentioned that she had finished with her boyfriend of 4 years (which had been on and off) in August. I guess after all that it felt like there was some sort of connection. She kept getting closer to kiss.

After the 4th pint of the night we went back to mine for a pretty intimate night. I have to admit, I was pretty smitten when I woke up. We had sex again in the morning, had breakfast, watched some tv with her lay on me. All very lovely and romantic.

She leaves, the messaging continues and I up the flirtiness (which later was turned around to bite me..). She messages asking what I'm doing that night, I reply with "wishing I was spending it with you.." (in a jokey way), which see found funny and took well. I said my pillow smelled of her, that kinda stuff (I was infatuated!)

The weekend came. I was busy with my band mate. My band mate is a girl, my best friend and who I love a lot (as a friend). I didn't message my date for most of Sunday because I was recording, but after recording I messaged her to get the conversation going again. Usual talk, then I asked if she wanted to hear the new song. I sent it to her. She didn't respond to it, but rather asked about the song title. I explained that it wasn't actually called what it was, but that my band mate had chosen it quickly before we left. Her reply was: "Right. What's the deal with her?" I asked what she meant, she gave a shrug emoji, and that was the end of that conversation that night. I wasn't sure if she was sarcastically suggesting if my band mate had problems, or if I was in a romantic relationship with her. My anxiety caused me to think the latter and I was worried that she thought that.

I pick the conversation back up the next morning but it felt different. She just seemed more distant/ giving shorter messages, and for the first time she messaged about what she had been eating (this became the first of many). I later asked if I could take her out to dinner in the week. She said yep. Awesome, and the conversation picked back up, but from then, more messages
about what she was eating, or rather what she wasn't eating, calories, and things like "I wish it was healthy to get all your calories from alcohol", became frequent. It seemed that her past eating disorder was still quite prevalent in her mind. One message was: "I'm literally craving cardiovascular excercise". Conversation still continued, though the messages just became more eating disordery and health related. I found out she was on fluoxetine (anti-depressants), and she messaged once with: "I think I'm actually having a heart attack", which she later said was probably due to a minor heart ailment that she had. It felt like I was becomming her personal therapist..

3rd Date (dinner):
She messaged me to say she's in a bad mood and that food was the worst that day. I asked if I should cancel the table, she said no. We meet for a drink first and she just seemed like a different person to the one I had met before. We go to the restaurant, all good, but she doesn't really eat much. After, I suggest we go to a bar closer to mine, she says that she wants to sleep in her own bed that night. No problem at all. Obviously I'm not going to force anyone to do anything, but I must admit that I was a little disappointed - I thought we'd have another intimate night. We walk to another pub, I stop her to kiss her but she wasn't into it, so I felt a bit awkward.

There was an awkward silence in the pub. My intuition told me that she wasn't feeling it and she didn't seem okay. I wanted to get to know her more, given all the personal things she had told told me. I asked how long she'd been on antidepressants for. She said about 4 years, but that it was a very personal question. I apologised and again felt a bit awkward. She was acting a bit strange and it was obvious she didn't want to be there anymore. She told me to entertain her. I said that I was trying but that it's hard when my date is acting like this (as a joke). She started apologising and saying that she was so close to cancelling, that she was having menstrual pains, and that she was a huge introvert and needed time to recharge. I didn't really know what to say and felt quite weird that she apologising - I assured her there was no need to apoligise for anything. Then she starts kissing me, I say this is making me really want you to come back to mine (joke), I tell her I don't just want to sleep with her and that I just wanted to lie next to her. Pretty deep talk I know, but I was infatuated! She said she could do something on the weekend. I say sure but that I'm not the kind of guy to push, so asked her to let me know if she wanted to do this or not. I also asked what she meant when she asked what's the deal with my band mate. She said she understands how it may have sounded but that she meant if she had problems. I told her I thought she meant that we were sleeping with each other, to which she said: "no, but have you?" I explained that I was like a brother to my band mate and that I help her a lot, because she does actually have mental problems herself..

We leave. I walk her to the train station. I instiagate some pretty intense kissing a couple of times on the way, I put my arms round her, trying to keep it romantic. Long goodbye kiss outside the station. I say "come back" to her in a cute way, she says she wants her own bed, I say that's fair enough. We go our separate ways. I reach out to hold her coat and bring her in for a cheeky kiss. Trying to keep it romantic..

She messaged after: "thank you so much for dinner x", we message a bit that night and conversation carries on in the morning. More messages about food, calories. We arrange to go out Saturday.

Friday:
Conversation the same, then on the night she says she wants to go the pub. I say I would but wouldn't be free til later, she asks what I'm doing, I told her I had friends coming over and that she'd be welcome to come (not expecting her to come..), then she lists everything that she's eaten and that she gets so many calories from alcohol. I tell her it's important to eat properly, she says it's bull**** and that you should listen to your body. I disagree with the former but agree that you should listen to your body. We arrange what we'll do the next evening.

Plans made, then later I get a huge paragraph saying that pursuing this will be unhealthy for her, she thinks it would get too deep too quick, she doesn't want to lead me on, that it had been a weird week and the other night (dinner date) put things in perspective for her, she needs time to herself etc. I was super confused but I'm really not going to push back, so I say that's fair enough, that's a shame, and I hope that she's okay as I can tell she's going through a rough patch. She says it's weird and that she's never felt like this before. I ask what she means, she says: "ending something for my own good". I tell her you always need to put yourself first, that I agreed it was getting deep pretty quick but thought it was cute, but also that I was a little confused but it's fine. I ask if she wants to leave it here or meet up for a last time. She says we should leave it here unless I want to. I say it would be nice, she says it's up to me, so I say let's do it. However, she can no longer do Saturday because she booked a gym session instead, and suggests Sunday, to which I say I can't do.

On Sunday morning, I feel like it would be actually be good to meet so I say I can be free. She says she's had a **** weekend so she doesn't know, then messages 2 hours later to say it's up to me, then 2 hours again after to say she can do a weekday. I just ignored them and thought it better to just move on, so I message her the day after saying I'm sorry she had a **** weekend and hope that she's okay.

A week later, I find I'm still analysing everything in my mind so I message her asking what she meant when she said it was for her own good to end it. She later replies saying it was a feeling in the gut, and that she wasn't comfortable with the intensity and that she wanted time to herself to grow. She also said we could still meet up if I wanted to. I say that I wasn't very comfortable with it either, but that I thought what the heck, I say that it got a bit carried away on the 2nd date, and I say it would be good to catchup at somepoint. She said that it wasn't so much the 2nd date but more in the wake of it. I agree and say that it felt like she was feeling it so it was my bad for gauging it wrong. I didn't think she'd reply to that but she did later at night, saying: "you said that you wished you were spending the night with me again and that your pillow smelled of me. That was way too much. Terrifying vibes."

That really hurt. I let myself fall for her too soon because it really felt like she was feeling the same and she threw it right back in my face. I said that it was supposed to be sweet and funny, sorry that she took it in a negative way, and then said let's leave it here. She replied with "indeed". This was about a month ago now and we haven't messaged. We only went on 3 dates over the course of about 2-3 weeks, but I haven't felt so low and hurt in years. I dived head first into it and it's really broken me. I even came back home for almost 2 weeks to be around my family because I felt so low. Thankfully I have a job where I am able to work from home.

The whole thing has left me feeling strange and hurt. I feel like a fool for getting carried away with it. I guess when she told me about her past it hit some emotion in me and I thought that she was totally up for something romantic, and then when she said that what I had said was terrifying, that really made me me feel like a bit of a creep. It really felt like she just said it to hurt me. She may well have perceived my message as negative and so reacted that way. Who knows..

Anyway, sorry for the length! I would love to hear people's thoughts and if anyone has similar stories to tell. Does it sound BDP-relatable?

Cheers.

[Harri]

Hi and welcome. 

What you describe is pretty confusing and painful.  I am sorry for that.  Your story sounds familiar to many of the stories here.  You are not along in that and we have people here who can support you.  The other good news is that you will start to feel better in time.  I find that talking with people (here), posting in other threads and learning about some of the disordered behaviors helped a great deal.  Your ex may have BPD traits, it is hard to say.  Regardless there are a couple obvious issues.

When she said that being told you wish she were there she may have been pulling away due to severe anxiety/fear related to fear of abandonment/engulfment.  Intimacy can trigger a lot of internal fears in a person with BPD traits or even just dysfunctional responses and coping strategies.  In those cases, chances are what she said had little to do with you personally and everything to do with her own filters and fears.

Does that make sense?

[savannahtree]

Hi and welcome. 

What you describe is pretty confusing and painful.  I am sorry for that.  Your story sounds familiar to many of the stories here.  You are not along in that and we have people here who can support you.  The other good news is that you will start to feel better in time.  I find that talking with people (here), posting in other threads and learning about some of the disordered behaviors helped a great deal.  Your ex may have BPD traits, it is hard to say.  Regardless there are a couple obvious issues.

When she said that being told you wish she were there she may have been pulling away due to severe anxiety/fear related to fear of abandonment/engulfment.  Intimacy can trigger a lot of internal fears in a person with BPD traits or even just dysfunctional responses and coping strategies.  In those cases, chances are what she said had little to do with you personally and everything to do with her own filters and fears.

Does that make sense?

Thanks Harri,

That makes sense yeah. I'm just having the nasty thought processes of wishing that I didn't say the things that probably pushed her away, a long with ruminating on her picking out those things and calling it terrifying.. It made me feel like a bit of a creep and naive for thinking she felt the same way.

I can only follow my own intuition. It felt right to say/ act how I did at the time, and I suppose the fact she opened up about her past to me so soon gave a false sense of intimacy. I can be more aware in the future if someone is so open like that and not get so emotionally involved so soon.