Help needed with emotions

[Melted52]

Hi! I have never posted before. I have however, been reading on and off for almost a year now. I have been married to my U/BPD husband for almost 6 years, but we have been together for 11. We have recycled out relationship at least 15 times by now. The most recent, on December 4th when I fled from our home while he was at work. I had reached a point whereby I couldn't take it anymore, and that's all that I said in the note that I left behind.  I thought that I had fallen out of love with him, and that I didn't care anymore about what he does with his life.  

Since leaving, I have not heard one word from him.  I discovered that he has simply moved on and hasn't given me a single thought. In fact, he told a neighbor that he was not affected at all by my leaving.  We are both in our 50's, him 56 and me 54. I moved 400 miles away too.

For some reason, today I am a mess with emotions!  I'm going to guess that it's the usual hurt for validation that I really mattered to him.  It's not usual though because I thought that I was over him and really shouldn't even care at all.  Additionally, it hurts because we have some mutual acquaintances that have all been ignoring me.  I don't know if he's smearing me or not, but just the idea that we are in our later years (as are our acquaintances), and you'd think that people would be more mature.  

So yes, I'm crying my eyes out. Cannot get motivated to even shower. Right now my car is disabled, and I don't even have the energy to take care of it.

Any wise words of wisdom would be so helpful right now...

Thank you so much everyone.

I'm sorry, but now I'm feeling even more neglected... .Is there anyone available to talk?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Melted-

I'm glad that you've gotten value out of these boards for a while, and welcome to posting!

I completely understand not being able to take it anymore, as do most of us here.  If your husband does exhibit strong borderline traits, what he did is feel extremely strong emotions that he probably couldn't deal with, so he swung completely the opposite way with his defense mechanisms to make it so you don't matter at all.  The truth is somewhere between probably, but the truth is irrelevant to a borderline since feelings are facts.

You are not going to get over an 11 year relationship in a hurry, you just aren't, and there's plenty of processing to do as you detach, if that's the ultimate goal.  The best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself, talk a lot, here and to live people, and get professional help if you need it.  Getting over these relationships can be a long road, but the end is much better than the beginning, for those of us who ended up here.  Take care of you!

[MrConfusedWithItAll]

It is still early days and will take quite a few months for your emotions to stabilise.  Also our memory can play tricks with us and the good memories seem to overshadow the bad memories.  It helped me to write a list of all the crazy things I could remember.  All the hurtful things.  All the cheating and lies.  When wavering I would re-read the list. Also look at the similarities in all our experiences.  We have all gone through a very traumatic relationship and an equally traumatic ending.  One thing I found very useful is doing a Mindfulness course.  Not only did it get me out of the home and meeting people, but also gave me coping mechanisms.  Mindfulness teaches us that nothing stays the same and everything changes.  And so too will your despair and turmoil pass in time.  Hang in there. It gets easier.

[RisingSun]

Hello Melted

I know exactly where you are in your emotions. I too was with my xw 11 years total and married for 6. My situation was a bit different but I can imagine that the feelings you'll go through are going to similar. The invalidation is such a huge shock. To think that all those years together meant nothing, wrecks you. from the inside.

Know that he feels pain as well. It's just that he has the ability to stuff those feelings deep inside. That's the only way he's going to survive this. You're going to just have to let him do his thing while you pick up the pieces, put yourself back together and heal. There's nothing you can do to make him feel any different. Just know it's the disorder. It has nothing to do with you. His lack of emotions around this split should not reflect your inherent value as a partner or person. Please remind yourself of this daily. You're the healthy one here.

My first month NC just about killed me. I couldn't eat, sleep or function in my everyday life. I had to ask friends to go shopping for me. I was such a mess I barely got out of bed. I lost 20 pounds. Couldn't complete a sentence. And cried so much I ran out of tears. I ended up having a nervous breakdown and that's when I sought out professional help.

It's going to get worse before it gets better. Hang in there. We're here for you. Keep reading and posting. Please go see a T if you're not already. My T saved my life and sanity.

Just know it will get easier with time. I'm now almost 7 months NC. I can't say I'm better but I can now function and live my life without the grief holding me back.

Whatever you do, don't contact him. The longer you can go without getting involved with him the easier your healing will be. It may not seem like it at the moment but it's for the best.

Stay strong 

[Melted52]

I can't begin to thank each of you enough! I was feeling not only invalidated by him, I was starting to feel as though there wouldn't be anyone to help me. It IS so helpful, as you all know , to hear others words of encouragement and validation that I'm not the only one.

I have contacted a therapist, but they said it will likely be close to a month before I can get in.

How has anyone gotten over the lack of desire to eat?  I haven't had anything except coffee in the past two days.

I am so thankful for the people here!

[fromheeltoheal]

How has anyone gotten over the lack of desire to eat?  I haven't had anything except coffee in the past two days.

As mentioned, the best thing you can do right now is take very good care of yourself.  So force yourself to eat, right away.

Not eating, maybe not sleeping and drinking a bunch of caffeine is a good way to create temporary psychosis; that's what interrogators do to prisoners when they're trying to get them to talk.  You need all your strength and wits about you right now, so one foot in front of the other, and it will get easier; the hardest part is at the beginning.  Take care of you!

[RisingSun]

Force yourself to eat at least once a day. Drink plenty of water. Rest as much as your life allows. And find someone that will listen when you need to emote. Make sure that person is someone who will unflinchingly validate you and what you're going through.

It would sometimes take me three hours to finish a plate of food. I would nibble a bit and put it aside and come back for a little more when I could stomach it. I would throw up if I tried to eat too fast. You're body needs food during this time. I made the mistake of not eating the first week and ended up crashing big time. Don't let this happen!

You'll get your appetite back in a month or two.

[seeking balance]

 

You are definitely not alone. 

I can't begin to thank each of you enough! I was feeling not only invalidated by him, I was starting to feel as though there wouldn't be anyone to help me. It IS so helpful, as you all know , to hear others words of encouragement and validation that I'm not the only one.

I have contacted a therapist, but they said it will likely be close to a month before I can get in.

How has anyone gotten over the lack of desire to eat?  I haven't had anything except coffee in the past two days.

I am so thankful for the people here!

Hon, I literally puked every day for a month when I finally had my marriage end.  A BPD relationship is a very loaded bond and there are very physical symptoms including lack of appetite that happens as we severe that bond.

I heard the advice, treat yourself like you are healing from major flu or surgery.  Sleep, make yourself eat something, be healthy with walking or exercise and be very gentle with yourself.

Do the little self care things - hot bath, massage, pedicure - things that make you feel comforted.

Continue to post and read here - it helps.  You are not alone in this journey and it will get better.

Peace,

SB

[Melted52]

Thankfully, I am staying with a sister and she is a nurse. She suggested some broth to start, so I'm about to give that a try.You're right, RisingSun, I feel nauseous!

I also have to do something with my broken down car today. It broke down Saturday night, and it's been parked in a lot nearby since.  

I also plan on continue to read here, and read and read!

This site here may just save me after all... .

[Melted52]

Seeking Balance: Those are such wise words, to treat myself as though I was recovering from a major illness. Your words are so gentle and soothing... .they helped develop a warm feeling inside. Thank you!  

[cehlers55]

Take Care of yourself Melted, It will get better. I've been there. Lots of people here who care and all this advice is exactly what you need to do. Get your car fixed. Do normal stuff if you possibly can. It's great that you're with your sister. She should definitely be able to validate you. Hang in there.

[Melted52]

I think that a lot of the pain I'm experiencing also has to do with the fact that I want to know that HE is suffering.  I know that when he and I first got together, he was pining over his previous girlfriend of 3 years. When he found out that she had eventually moved on to someone else, I witnessed him go through immense pain and suffering. Physically sick and crying on the floor.  I have not moved on yet, although I don't think he knows anything about what I've been doing.  I'm wondering if he's going through any pain over our break up?  If not, why? 

[cehlers55]

I've wondered that stuff too about my ex. But the best is to not have contact with them. You know what's right. And how you deserve to be treated.

[fromheeltoheal]

There's no way to know if he's suffering, except that borderlines are always suffering.

There are really two ways to go through a breakup: grieve the loss and go through all the stages that that entails, including denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance, not necessarily in that order, or just replace the relationship with someone new, off to the races again, never having dealt with the grief of the last demise.  The first way is the right way, and the only way past it is through, no going around or over.  In time it won't matter, as you shift the focus from him to you and from the past to the future, and the way to get there is one foot in front of the other as you feel everything all the way, processing as you go.  If you do that it will get better.

[Melted52]

Heel2heal: My only option is to go through the grieving process. I don't want to go rushing into a new relationship. I probably am not even capable of that!

Doesn't it help if we know that they are suffering?  I feel as though I would.  The woman that I saw him get sick over was with him for about 3-4 years. She kicked him out, and he fled. It wasn't until he and I were together for about 6 months that she found someone new.  I just wonder why he got physically sick over the loss of her, but not me?

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Melted-

I was referring mostly to him; borderlines tend to bounce from one person to another, so we were all someone's replacement, to be replaced by someone else, never stopping to process anything, only to repeat the cycle.

But if you knew he was suffering, what would that mean?  It would mean that you mattered to him, validation, and if he got sicker than he did with the last gal, that means you mattered more, yes?  I have no idea what my ex is up to, although I can make a pretty accurate guess, but it's more important to focus on mattering to ourselves now, the most important thing, learn how to internally validate again, and then what he's up to won't matter.  It's a lot easier than trying to follow the musings of a mental illness too.

[Melted52]

HeeltoHeal: I'm sorry. I didn't realize that you were referring to his jumping into a new relationship... .Of course that's what he's doing.  I suppose that my questions gets deeper then.  There was almost a year in between the previous woman and myself. So, my question is, why would he break down over her while with me? Second, I thought that they never really experience grief with any relationship? Also, what is it about her that makes him grieve for her? They were only together about 3-1/2 years, and he and I were together for 11, and married too. I know that I need to delete all these thoughts from my mind, and concentrate on myself. I'm just having a hell of a time doing just that.  I would feel soo much better if I could just hear that he's a mess over me.

[fromheeltoheal]

When he found out that she had eventually moved on to someone else, I witnessed him go through immense pain and suffering. Physically sick and crying on the floor.

Best to think of attachments with borderlines, since in a borderline's head they don't exist on their own and require someone to attach to, to become whole, and letting go of an attachment is a replaying of that earliest dynamic when he was a young child that created the disorder to begin with, the abandonment depression he never successfully navigated.  Standard borderline here, apply as needed.  Anyway, when he found out his ex had moved on to someone else, it could have meant the attachment was finally completely severed, the worst thing that could happen to a borderline; did he get in a fetal position to completely replay the dynamic?

He has or had an attachment with you, 11 years and married, and becoming convinced that it is severed will probably have the same effect the way he's wired, and I understand why it would make you feel better.  Most of us want closure when these relationships end, and most of us don't get it, but the good news is we get to find a way to give it to ourselves, which makes it more powerful.  What would it mean if you never found out he suffered?

[Melted52]

Hi HeeltoHeal: Thanks again for the words of wisdom. In answer to your question about his laying on the floor in a fetal position is accurate.  To answer your second question, "What would it mean if you never found out that he suffered?" It would mean that I will probably hang onto my hurt longer, until I've heard otherwise about him. I guess that I was wrong when I thought that I was over him.   :'(

[fromheeltoheal]

It would mean that I will probably hang onto my hurt longer, until I've heard otherwise about him.

Or you can decide that he no longer gets to dictate how you feel, part of taking your power back, something we all struggle with.  Have you worked through the process over there? ------->

[Melted52]

HeeltoHeal: Hmmm. You have made me think! You're right! I have the power to not let him control me anymore. ONE of the many reasons that I left. He controlled my every move and every emotion I was allowed to display in front of him.  Now he can't!  Thank you, thank you, thank you!

No, I haven't started reading about the detachment process. I do think that it's time now