How are you preparing for the holidays?

[jellibeans]

Happy thanksgiving everyone... .enjoy the day and try to look for the positive. Be hopeful and relax as much as possible.

Holidays can be hard so brace yourself for the ride. I am trying to do less this holiday... .spending  it at home with my family of four and another family. I usually go to a big gathering with a large group but I really feel I needed to cut back and reduce stress.

With Christmas coming we are also heading to Mexico for a few days. I am hoping the change in scenery will be the change we need. Going away means not decorating and not putting up a tree. I am also cutting back on shopping and giving gifts. We did an exchnge with friends this year and I really am going to enjoy the ease of everything this year.

How are you preparing for the holidays?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Being in the UK I only really have Christmas and New Year to worry about.

Happily my Christmas is likely to be very quiet this year with just DH and me and a visit to my Mum.

I have had three very fraught Christmasses that I can think of and many tense ones trying to keep different people from different generations happy.

I think "special" events are often difficult for people with BPD and often for anyone really, with all the expectations.

I think keeping it low key is a good idea.

I have found that inviting someone from outside the family can help.

I will invite each of my daughters over for a low key celebration but separately and not on Christmas day.

Happy and peaceful Thanksgiving to my friends in the USA.

[Rapt Reader]

Those are good ideas you guys 

The Holidays are generally stressful for us, too, ever since my BPD son who lives with us came out of the Dual Diagnosis Center more than a year and a half ago. The whole family--both sides--now know of his past troubles, which include a multi-year Heroin addiction that he is terribly embarrassed and ashamed about. Though he is now 20 months clean and sober (yaaaaay!), he still doesn't want to have to answer questions about his past and face many (like 30 or more?) family members he would be in contact with during any Holiday get-togethers we need to go to (both sides of our family have to be included).

We have the added stress of my undiagnosed BPD Daughter-In-Law's refusal to be anywhere that my BPD son (she's married to my younger, non-BPD son) will be, so that always has to be taken into account. Not seeing her, means not seeing my younger son and their child--our only grandchild. And it means the whole other 30 or so family members also won't see the 3 of them; the only great-grandchild and great-nephew, etc. for all of the various relatives 

So basically, we need to navigate those waters carefully... .Which so far has taken the form of my Husband and me telling our son with BPD that if he's not "comfortable" going with us to the family Holiday gathering weekend (or whatever; it always takes at least 3 days to see everyone at their various dinners, etc.) out of town, that we "won't mind... ." So far, he's decided always to "pass on this one" and family peace has been secured. Sooner or later, though, he is going to want to see his brother again, and new nephew (for the first time), and feel confident enough to face the whole extended family to do so.

Those tricky waters will have to be navigated when we need to cross them... .

[theplotthickens]

For the first time in years, I am not "12 Daying" my BPDer with gifts that she will reject and find fault with.  I have tried so long to maker her happy, and it is time to be still now and let her find her own happiness. 

I am finding space and time for silence.   For too long, there has been chaos, not only in the physical world but in my mind.   

I found an activity to bring to our family gathering, so that we do not have to feel trapped by my tedious relatives all day.   I may feign a serious illness, and pull a Bunbury, who knows?

I am also stocking up on gin, just in case all else fails.  :D

[mama72]

I am nervous for the holidays, on eggshells, perhaps?   

My dd17 has recently become so confrontational with people regarding religious, political views, that I am praying that no touchy subjects get brought up. Which in unlikely with our family. I will have 25-30 family members here both Christmas Eve and Day, which is typical and I have the entertaining down to a science now, but I just don't know what to expect from my dd.

DD has hinted that she wants to "come out" to the family. I wondered if she was just saying this to bait me, but I resisted and suggested she talk to her therapist about what to do. She has NPD tendencies too, so of course she thinks our family Christmas celebration is the perfect time to make it all about her. 

I like the idea of stocking up on gin, theplotthickens, but I think I prefer rum!

[twojaybirds]

I am trying something new this year.

With my dd20 I am telling her no gifts, just quality time together.  She and her boyfriend can come over for dinner and then we can go to a Christmas movie.

I just cant fork out any more money on her... she is in debt to me and no matter what the gifts... the amount... .anything... she has been horrid the last few years on Christmas including throwing the gifts, swearing, banging doors, threatening calls to the cops.

I feel a tad guilty as I grew up in a gift giving family and have always carried that tradition, as I love picking out perfect gifts, wrapping , surprising.  but I am not going though another Christmas with anger, tantrums and resentment.

I will have lots of Champagne and chocolate for me and then taking off for New Years for 3 days!

[tristesse]

we celebrate the traditional Christmas, and make the gifting about the young children. We allow 1 gift Christmas eve and it will be new pajamas, hot chocolate, popcorn and a movie, then we will sit quietly and watch the movies , drink hot chocolate and snack on popcorn, then the children will go to bed. we do Santa claus in our family, so it's up early for those gifts, and the day is spent just enjoying each others company and the kiddos. even my BPD DD, is usually pretty good on Christmas. ( not always, but usually )

[Thursday]

We def. have some "ghosts of Christmas' Past".

I also feel like we have gotten over it. And that feels really nice!

Last year was nice and this year will be nice too. We made an overall announcement that this will be "Christmas Lite" and this came as an expressed relief for both my nonDD29 and BPDSD23.

SD is now making a car payment and since she is working only part time her funds are stretched. My DD is in the general category of young adult nearing just plain regular adult who makes a good wage but lives paycheck to paycheck and not scrambling to buy extra gifts when she sees my usual excess under the tree (same with SD) probably feels better for them than I will EVER fully understand.  .

I am smiling to know they both feel relief instead of disappointment.

I have a few games set aside. My DD who is coming in from out of state loves board games- the cheesier the better. SD, who lives close by, lives a pretty separate life and will buzz in for Christmas morning, will stay for breakfast and a probably a nap and then we won't see her again. I've given SD heads up for planned activities and if she wants to join us she is welcome. We usually go for a drive Christmas night to see the area's favorite light displays (there is even a place with several llamas and a few burros and horses that you can pet!) and she mentioned she might come back from other obligations to join us.

I love Christmas. Love decorating, ugly Christmas sweaters, dogs wearing reindeer antlers, baking cookies, making casseroles for my husband's office party, eggnog with "the recipe" with nutmeg and served in a "Jefferson Cup", holiday coffee mugs and sending cards through the mail. 

Hey, where is the holiday smilie "set"?

Thursday (insert santa head here)

[jellibeans]

I do think planning a head is key and that is hard to do when you never know what is around the corner. I booked the Mexico trip months ago because I knew as the holidays got closer there would always be a reason not to go. I am going to pack a small bag with some decorations and made a few things for a stocking christmas morning.

We are all looking forward to it. Plan on swimming with dolphins and snorkling. Mainly relaxing by the pool and doing nothing. My dd keeps telling me how the drinking age is only 16 in mexico... .I hope I am not running around looking for her all day. I think that will be the only real challenge but my older daughter will help me out.

I really hope everyone has a very merry christmas... .go into the new year with hope and positive thoughts. Big hugs to all here. I have really gained so much from this site.