Did my ex simply meet somebody else and fall for him

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BPDexgf I believe loved me and really wanted a future with me, we had just moved into together and really made a go of it, it was happy families for 5 month... after already having put me thru a lot of hurt during our 4 years together, all of a sudden when things seemed to really be going great I noticed she was talking to a good looking guy friend on facebook and via text leaving kisses, I picked her up from work as usua one evening and she said this male friend had got her a job in town which would mean she could use public transport and not use me for lifts everyday (which was grinding me down having been at work all day myself, and also the fact she was never grateful) I dropped her off at her new job where this male friend aso worked... from that day forward and for the next few months she changed... didn't want to do things with me and kept saying she wanted me gone... I did so much for tis girl and loved her beyond words, she was the centre of my world... then she lied and said she was seeing a girl friend but stayed out all weekend with the male friend and cheated on me, when she returned she was going to carry on as normal but I knew and got it out of her, the game was up, she even smirked when I caught her out and she admitted cheating, she said that she only sees me as a friend now not a lover, even having told me a few days previous that she wanted to get a mortgage and have my kids and start a family, I left and moved all my things to my mums the following day, when she seen I was gone she begged me back in ne text, but when I replied she then ignored me and cut off completely, never got to speak to her again, a few days after that she changed her facebook picture to her and him looking happy and put that she was in a relationship with him, the date being from whilst we was still together, she blocked me from all social media... i text her later to say lets work it out and I loved her and I guess wanted a little closure being as she never really explained more than a few cold heartless words... she replied saying leave her alone and she is in love with the other guy, not seen or heard from her in 9 months and as far as I can make out they are happy and in love and work together still, her faily embraced him instantly as did his family with her, so strange... right up until the break up her family loved me and always said I was the best man she had ever been with... i had recently put lots of work into out rented property, complete makeover and garden refurb to make her happy, we had a lovely summer planned, whe I caught her cheating the masked completely slipped, I said who are you and what the hell are you doing? I had never met this person after 4 years... nearly a year out and the trauma and shock is still quite raw, I just can't believe how poorly she is and how evil she is, I wont go into the details of the hell she put me thru during the 4 years... its was extreme perfect one day then awful the next, beyond unstable emotionally and change her mind about stuff one minute to the next, constat mood changes and forgetting previous plans or goals, shapeshifting daily... i could go on for days... any kind words would greatly be appreciated as I'm still a shell of the man I once was and not quite over this and moved on yet

[Rickybee]

My BPDexgf I believe loved me and really wanted a future with me, we had just moved into together and really made a go of it, it was happy families for 5 month... after already having put me thru a lot of hurt during our 4 years together, all of a sudden when things seemed to really be going great I noticed she was talking to a good looking guy friend on facebook and via text leaving kisses, I picked her up from work as usua one evening and she said this male friend had got her a job in town which would mean she could use public transport and not use me for lifts everyday (which was grinding me down having been at work all day myself, and also the fact she was never grateful) I dropped her off at her new job where this male friend aso worked... from that day forward and for the next few months she changed... didn't want to do things with me and kept saying she wanted me gone... I did so much for tis girl and loved her beyond words, she was the centre of my world... then she lied and said she was seeing a girl friend but stayed out all weekend with the male friend and cheated on me, when she returned she was going to carry on as normal but I knew and got it out of her, the game was up, she even smirked when I caught her out and she admitted cheating, she said that she only sees me as a friend now not a lover, even having told me a few days previous that she wanted to get a mortgage and have my kids and start a family, I left and moved all my things to my mums the following day, when she seen I was gone she begged me back in ne text, but when I replied she then ignored me and cut off completely, never got to speak to her again, a few days after that she changed her facebook picture to her and him looking happy and put that she was in a relationship with him, the date being from whilst we was still together, she blocked me from all social media... i text her later to say lets work it out and I loved her and I guess wanted a little closure being as she never really explained more than a few cold heartless words... she replied saying leave her alone and she is in love with the other guy, not seen or heard from her in 9 months and as far as I can make out they are happy and in love and work together still, her faily embraced him instantly as did his family with her, so strange... right up until the break up her family loved me and always said I was the best man she had ever been with... i had recently put lots of work into out rented property, complete makeover and garden refurb to make her happy, we had a lovely summer planned, whe I caught her cheating the masked completely slipped, I said who are you and what the hell are you doing? I had never met this person after 4 years... nearly a year out and the trauma and shock is still quite raw, I just can't believe how poorly she is and how evil she is, I wont go into the details of the hell she put me thru during the 4 years... its was extreme perfect one day then awful the next, beyond unstable emotionally and change her mind about stuff one minute to the next, constat mood changes and forgetting previous plans or goals, shapeshifting daily... i could go on for days... any kind words would greatly be appreciated as I'm still a shell of the man I once was and not quite over this and moved on yet

[Ahoy]

Truly a horrible story mate. I don't think there would be one of us reading this post that doesn't feel similarities between our own situation and yours.

They love you until they don't, the want your shared dreams until they don't. What I worked out today was that although this was all so sudden to you, this was bubbling under the surface and because she was such a good actor she kept this building resentment for you hidden until all he'll broke loose.

Think of what a healthy relationship means to you, do you honestly think someone like this can give it to you?

This is my biggest problem right now, don't judge her words, that's all fluff, judge her actions. From what I read her actions paint her in a VERY negative light.

You seem like a caring guy, you deserve better than this.

[Rickybee]

I wonder if he has helped her too to get better, I really tried to help and be supportive... she told me from the get go that she had clinical depression and extreme ocd and possibly BPD although the docs had diagnosed her as clinically depressed from the age of 16 and had been on strong anti depressants ever since, she is in her mid 30's now, I have heavily researched BPD since our breakup to try to make sense of the unstablilty and insanity I witnessed during those 5 years, she is 1000% BPD everything slotted into place with her behaviour... I seriously doubt she will get therapy as she wouldn't when we I booked her in for dbt therapy, she pretended she wanted her life to be more stable and to get help with her issues as they were hugely effecting her life but whe it came to it would miss appointments and lie saying she had been but didn't help, I wonder if the new guy will help her or whether she will be the same with him, idealize him and devalue and fluctuate between the two eventually getting found out and letting the ask slip completely and replace him, I wonder constantly how long they will last, I would love to be a fly on the wall and see what goes on with them, its like I'm waiting for her to fail and regret throwing me in the trash so cruelly, I need to let go for good and embrace being alone

[Rickybee]

I should also mention the fact that the final text was a threat to get a restraining order against me if I ever came near her house, she must have thought I'm the type of person to go crazy and stalk her or something, I wouldn't dream of it, I kept my dignity and left her alone, but funny how the restraining order threat was apparent in all her past relationships, she also aborted my baby in our first year together and gave me silent treatment and left me thinking we were going to keep the baby buy she had an episode and had abortion, its like she was doing it just to break my heart as I wanted to be a dad, she told me she was on the pill and got pregnant on purpose... only to do that :s... .anyway all typical BPD behaviour eh... ps thank for your reply ahoy I love this site because peole hear understand the madness and pain of it, people in my daily life think I'm crazy if I use the term BPD... the general public seem to have no idea that this is a real thing and is not like a normal break... this type of partner is bat ___ crazy and dangerous

[WoundedBibi]

PwBPD really do love you (as they understand love to be) until they don't.

As we NONs are all different so are pwBPD. They have different reasons for leaving, for lining up a replacement. There are similarities though. It seems as if your ex was afraid for engulfment. The moving in together triggered her. You came too close. It frightened her too much. She couldn't handled the amount of fear anymore. So she had to do something to alleviate the fear and the internal turmoil. Project all the crap on you and create a new high with a new guy.

It has nothing to do with you. There is nothing you could have said or done to stop her from doing this at that point. You didn't cause her BPD, you can't control her BPD, you can't cure her BPD.

To be able to move on you need to grieve first. Be sad, be angry, be whatever you need to be. And start the healing. Learn about BPD. Understand her role in the relationship and yours. What made you stay in a relationship that was so volatile? Slowly build yourself up from there. But it takes time. There is no simply moving on from a relationship with a pwBPD.

[Rickybee]

So true woundedbibi... .so true thanks

[WoundedBibi]

I wonder if he has helped her too to get better, I really tried to help and be supportive... she told me from the get go that she had clinical depression and extreme ocd and possibly BPD although the docs had diagnosed her as clinically depressed from the age of 16 and had been on strong anti depressants ever since, she is in her mid 30's now, I have heavily researched BPD since our breakup to try to make sense of the unstablilty and insanity I witnessed during those 5 years, she is 1000% BPD everything slotted into place with her behaviour... I seriously doubt she will get therapy as she wouldn't when we I booked her in for dbt therapy, she pretended she wanted her life to be more stable and to get help with her issues as they were hugely effecting her life but whe it came to it would miss appointments and lie saying she had been but didn't help, I wonder if the new guy will help her or whether she will be the same with him, idealize him and devalue and fluctuate between the two eventually getting found out and letting the ask slip completely and replace him, I wonder constantly how long they will last, I would love to be a fly on the wall and see what goes on with them, its like I'm waiting for her to fail and regret throwing me in the trash so cruelly, I need to let go for good and embrace being alone

Stop wondering. She sounds as a pwBPD. That means the new guy will get the same treatment as every other guy. You know this. You don't need to wonder about it. Also wondering about him and her doesn't help you one bit.

"Will he support and help her as much as I did?" I'm sorry to burst your bubble but you weren't helping her. Helping is when someone wants and asks for help. Booking therapy for someone else is not helping it is saving. Saving is taking away someone's responsibility. It is treating them as if they are not capable of being an adult. Yes, she has the emotional development of a toddler. But she is an adult. She can drive a car, vote, work, buy a house, and call a therapist all on her own.

Therapy only works when a person wants it themselves not because someone else wants it.

Saving makes for an uneven relationship.

[Rickybee]

We certainly did get closer and she did get engulfed and scared to be that close I think, the push and pull is mad... but it was all her idea for me to move in and start building a life together, its was mostly her that encouraged it, I always treaded careful and tried to move slow as I knew how unpredictable she was one day to the next emotionally, but when I finally let go and fully trusted her and threw my whole heart into it is when she seemed to destroy my soul and replace me instantly

[Rickybee]

It didn't feel like I was saving, it was a logical thing we agreed on at the time, I wanted us to work and for her to be more stable and to stop hurting me all the time, in the early days after the abortion she was all for getting help, I didn't push it it was her not wanting to loose me that mostly encouraged her tbh

[Rickybee]

at that time she was fully aware she had some serious issues, as time when on she would pretend she was ok and just continue the awful behaviour, I eventually just got use to the abuse I think and excepted her for who she is, its scary really how I was prepared to to spend my life with this person and except all the crap, I'm def a caregiver and have my own things to work out, I'm just a nice guy y;know? why cant everybody be nice to eachother and treat each other right... sigh so sad this illness

[WoundedBibi]

It didn't feel like I was saving, it was a logical thing we agreed on at the time, I wanted us to work and for her to be more stable and to stop hurting me all the time, in the early days after the abortion she was all for getting help, I didn't push it it was her not wanting to loose me that mostly encouraged her tbh

Can you read what you wrote here: I wanted us. I wanted for her.

Where was she in this? It sounds as if you were acting as the grown up versus the child the saviour versus the victim.

YOU made the appointments. So it was your idea and she was 'all for it' at THAT moment you spoke (as BPD change their minds a LOT) as she didn't want to loose you. You triggered her abandonment fears. But it wasn't HER idea. Otherwise SHE would have made the appointments herself. She went along with it in order not to be abandoned, she didn't come up with it realizing she had issues that prevented her from being happy.

[WoundedBibi]

at that time she was fully aware she had some serious issues, as time when on she would pretend she was ok and just continue the awful behaviour, I eventually just got use to the abuse I think and excepted her for who she is, its scary really how I was prepared to to spend my life with this person and except all the crap, I'm def a caregiver and have my own things to work out, I'm just a nice guy y;know? why cant everybody be nice to eachother and treat each other right... sigh so sad this illness

You can be nice and a caregiver and still have healthy boundaries.

Even people without a personality disorder will walk all over you if you don't put in boundaries.

[Stripey77]

My heart goes out to you. As Ahoy says, in some way, shape, or form, every single one of us here has been subject to a similarly mind-bending experience.  My ex suddenly dropped into a conversation one evening the football team that our son would be supporting 'when we have him'. I couldn't quite believe my ears, the man I loved talking about having babies... .it was a dream come true. Just to test this out, I made a similar joke of it that weekend, picking up the theme. He ran with it, and added to it... .what teams, what music our son would like.  We had a lovely and romantic day trip out around the island, a few drinks, all very loved up as ever, holding hands, kissing, etc. etc.

That night he laid into me (after a lot of drink) deciding that that was the time to pull me apart for something we'd disagreed on a few days before, after a really lovely day and when we were boozed up. He really went for it... .talk about ruining a perfectly lovely day when he could have aired this issue out first thing in the morning, or the evening before.

More to the point... .within about 2 weeks, he finished with me, by text, after the most minor of disagreements. And of the (several) reasons he gave was that it was too soon to expect to be 'no.1' in his life. I am talking about someone in their mid 30s by the way, not a 21 year old. Who had spent the last 4 months talking to me morning, noon and night, had told me he loved me, and as outlined above, even joked about us having a baby together. From 60 to 0 in the blink of an eye.

Don't worry about her family embracing him, they would do wouldn't they? If a family member said they had a new partner who made them happy... .I guess they would support her. That doesn't mean they agree with it or sanction it.  

More importantly, as others have commented, you know where that new relationship is heading. Unless you think she's had a brain and personality transplant since being with you, the same patterns will emerge, the same things will happen. They will.

[Rickybee]

thanks for your reply woundedbibi, tbh I feel I did have boundaries and I would always let her know if she was crossing them or behaving badly towards me, unfortunately I ignored my gut feeling of it being a bad idea in the beginning because I was being idealised and getting laid and I also cared a lot about her and felt sorry for her, she messed with my head a lot early on she would lock herself away in her flat and turn her phone of for days, after telling me she is suicidal and just wants to be in bed and sleep, this kind of silent treatment and mind games was pretty regular, at least one episode once a month, totally confusing behaviour, sadly over time I got use to it, although the last few years of out relationship got a lot better and she really was the perfect little wife at times, but then came the ultimate betrayal out of what felt like knowhere

[Rickybee]

when I would turn up to her place during her silent treatments it would turn out she was fine and had been out or was cleaning with the music on, cleaning was her life... delusional ocd going on with the cleaning... 6 hours a day she never sat still... hovered aggressively and for hours every night... door checking constantly... 2 hours cleaning the bathroom a night... poor girl its a terrible illness... but poor me too, I have never been so hurt in all my life, I really wanted it to work I loved the good side of her

[WoundedBibi]

thanks for your reply woundedbibi, tbh I feel I did have boundaries and I would always let her know if she was crossing them or behaving badly towards me, unfortunately I ignored my gut feeling of it being a bad idea in the beginning because I was being idealised and getting laid and I also cared a lot about her and felt sorry for her, she messed with my head a lot early on she would lock herself away in her flat and turn her phone of for days, after telling me she is suicidal and just wants to be in bed and sleep, this kind of silent treatment and mind games was pretty regular, at least one episode once a month, totally confusing behaviour, sadly over time I got use to it, although the last few years of out relationship got a lot better and she really was the perfect little wife for a while, but then came the ultimate betrayal out of what felt like knowhere

But the boundaries and her crossing them time and time again did not make you leave. So you disrespected your own boundaries. You just mentioned if they got crossed and that was it. No consequences. She didn't change (she couldn't) and you kept pushing your boundaries back to accommodate her.

[Rickybee]

I suppose you are right, when I think back I always had to kind of except she wasn't sorry and carry on, she would never say sorry and just act all loving and cute, I would just feel a little more unsettled about what would happen next, she said I should forget past hurts and move on and that I was too sensitive, but my heart was hurt a little more with every blow, she said lets forget the past and create lots of happy memories and start life together, so we went on lots of trips and holidays and spend some great time together having fun, she really loved me at this time I think, but as I originally said she started the new job with the secret sex love interest and bang she clicked... what also hurts is that she would not often want sex because she was always cleaning, she would say she had a low libido due to the heavy meds she takes, which I believe to a degree, although I imagine her lusting for the guy and perhaps being more sexually active, I'm no brad pitt but I'm far from an ugly guy and I'm well respected and liked by people, we did have good sex at times, but she started to act like she didn't fancy me anymore and would tell me I'm getting fat which I wasn't at all, strange... anyway I suppose its very likely a lot of these impulsive back and forth devaluations and the idealations will play out with the latest partner... i hear her new bf slept with his best friends wife a couple years a go so sounds like a nice character eh, a pair together, she will do do anything for attention and has a history of cheating on all her exes and acting like she enjoys the bare face lying and eventual betrayal, and he clearly has no morals, sometimes I feel like he stole the love of my life, other times I'm just confused and in disbelief that she was not the person I thought she was... the girl I looked at in the face and smirked when telling me she had cheated on me was a complete stranger... she completely disconnected with me after shagging the guy the night before... so unreal to see this person I had never met

[WoundedBibi]

I suppose you are right, when I think back I always had to kind of except she wasn't sorry and carry on, she would never say sorry and just act all loving and cute, I would just feel a little more unsettled about what would happen next, she said I should forget past hurts and move on and that I was too sensitive, but my heart was hurt a little more with every blow, she said lets forget the past and create lots of happy memories and start life together, so we went on lots of trips and holidays and spend some great time together having fun, she really loved me at this time I think, but as I originally said she started the new job with the secret sex love interest and bang she clicked... what also hurts is that she would not often want sex because she was always cleaning, she would say she had a low libido due to the heavy meds she takes, which I believe to a degree, although I imagine her lusting for the guy and perhaps being more sexually active, I'm no brad pitt but I'm far from an ugly guy and I'm well respected and liked by people, we did have good sex at times, but she started to act like she didn't fancy me anymore and would tell me I'm getting fat which I wasn't at all, strange... anyway I suppose its very likely a lot of these impulsive back and forth devaluations and the idealations will play out with the latest partner... i hear her new bf slept with his best friends wife a couple years a go so sounds like a nice character eh, a pair together, she will do do anything for attention and has a history of cheating on all her exes and acting like she enjoys the bare face lying and eventual betrayal, and he clearly has no morals, sometimes I feel like he stole the love of my life, other times I'm just confused and in disbelief that she was not the person I thought she was... the girl I looked at in the face and smirked when telling me she had cheated on me was a complete stranger... she completely disconnected with me after shagging the guy the night before... so unreal to see this person I had never met

So they are both cheats and deserve each other.

The love of your life doesn't treat you like this. The love of your life is still out there.

Work on becoming a nice caregiving guy with healthy boundaries that doesn't allow his mind to be played with just to get laid. You need to be healthy in order to be in a healthy relationship with another healthy person.

[Rickybee]

You are right, it wasn't just about getting laid tho, I loved this girl and wanted to spend my life with her despite her evil doings, in the good times she was a ray of sunshine the light of my life, I was dealing with multiple personalities tho, because she would switch daily, my heart is still nagging and trying to make sense of it but my head already knows she is a very poorly girl and it was never going to work with her, she really didn't have to do what she did tho, I really didn't deserve it I was nothing but kind loyal and loving towards her... I hope to meet somebody emotionally stable at some point who knows how to love  like an adult and have compassion, empathy, remorse... the usual human traits... no more alien vampire chicks from hell

[Rickybee]

Ps I also believe I was very naive, I had no idea there was mentally ill people out there that can do this to you, I had never been with somebody with these kind of serious issues and had to figure it out as I went along, she would never explain herself if I tried to have an adult conversation with her about emotions and feelings she would shut down and blank stare at the floor, but other times she was very convincing and charming, and in her moments of trying to win me over would seem genuine and like she really cared... i don't know such a mind f@#k, not much of that four years will ever make sense and her acting truly evil at the end and during wont either, my heart will catch up tho hopefully, thanks for listening guys

[WoundedBibi]

You are right, it wasn't just about getting laid tho, I loved this girl and wanted to spend my life with her despite her evil doings, in the good times she was a ray of sunshine the light of my life, I was dealing with multiple personalities tho, because she would switch daily, my heart is still nagging and trying to make sense of it but my head already knows she is a very poorly girl and it was never going to work with her, she really didn't have to do what she did tho, I really didn't deserve it I was nothing but kind loyal and loving towards her... I hope to meet somebody emotionally stable at some point who knows how to love  like an adult and have compassion, empathy, remorse... the usual human traits... no more alien vampire chicks from hell

I get why you are saying this and you have every right to be angry for her actions but she isn't an alien vampire chick from hell. She is mentally ill. Don't demonise her.

You didn't cause her BPD. Neither did she. You didn't ask for it. Neither did she. You don't get it. Neither does she.

But it takes 2 to tango. Nobody is perfect. It could only go on for as long as it did because you let it. You were a player in this too.

Try to see your part in the relationship. Where did you trigger her without realizing? Where did you take away her responsibility? What is your style of communicating? Did it match hers? Do you have the urge to help people when they don't ask for help? Do you know the difference between helping and saving? What does an adult relationship look like for you? If an adult partner criticized you, how would you handle that?

[Rickybee]

I can appreciate what you are saying there and yes it takes two, but I certainly was the stable person in the relationship and always calm, you seem to be emphasising on me trying to save help when it wasn't wanted or asked for, she make it perfectly clear whe I first met her by telling me she had mental health issues and wanted to deal with her issues and get better, so she kind of made it a thing from the start... then after seeing her behaviour later on I then took her telling me this more seriously... i had witnessed complete delusional behaviour, psychotic episodes much much scary confusing stuff that came from nowhere, which I believe was her past haunting her... she has done to quite a few men exactly what she dealt me you see, I believe she felt deep shame... she is probably at times feeling this now about having betrayed me... we were best friends... i am facing my issues of being a caregiver and being too trusting with people, also dealing with ptsd from the relationship with her... im no angel but I was good to her... i was too gentle and kind if anything I think

[WoundedBibi]

I can appreciate what you are saying there and yes it takes two, but I certainly was the stable person in the relationship and always calm, you seem to be emphasising on me trying to save help when it wasn't wanted or asked for, she make it perfectly clear whe I first met her by telling me she had mental health issues and wanted to deal with her issues and get better, so she kind of made it a thing from the start... then after seeing her behaviour later on I then took her telling me this more seriously... i had witnessed complete delusional behaviour, psychotic episodes much much scary confusing stuff that came from nowhere, which I believe was her past haunting her... she has done to quite a few men exactly what she dealt me you see, I believe she felt deep shame... she is probably at times feeling this now about having betrayed me... we were best friends... i am facing my issues of being a caregiver and being too trusting with people, also dealing with ptsd from the relationship with her... im no angel but I was good to her... i was too gentle and kind if anything I think

I don't doubt you were the stable one. I don't doubt she is mentally ill. I don't doubt she said she had issues. But if she really wanted the help why did you book her the appointments? She is an adult.

You write "I wanted us to work. I wanted for her to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." Not "she wanted us to work. She wanted to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." As if you were the leader and she followed you. As if you decided what steps to take and she agreed.

My point is it needed to come from her. She needed to make the appointments herself. She needed to want it enough to take action herself.

[GoingBack2OC]

I can appreciate what you are saying there and yes it takes two, but I certainly was the stable person in the relationship and always calm, you seem to be emphasising on me trying to save help when it wasn't wanted or asked for, she make it perfectly clear whe I first met her by telling me she had mental health issues and wanted to deal with her issues and get better, so she kind of made it a thing from the start... then after seeing her behaviour later on I then took her telling me this more seriously... i had witnessed complete delusional behaviour, psychotic episodes much much scary confusing stuff that came from nowhere, which I believe was her past haunting her... she has done to quite a few men exactly what she dealt me you see, I believe she felt deep shame... she is probably at times feeling this now about having betrayed me... we were best friends... i am facing my issues of being a caregiver and being too trusting with people, also dealing with ptsd from the relationship with her... im no angel but I was good to her... i was too gentle and kind if anything I think

I don't doubt you were the stable one. I don't doubt she is mentally ill. I don't doubt she said she had issues. But if she really wanted the help why did you book her the appointments? She is an adult.

You write "I wanted us to work. I wanted for her to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." Not "she wanted us to work. She wanted to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." As if you were the leader and she followed you. As if you decided what steps to take and she agreed.

My point is it needed to come from her. She needed to make the appointments herself. She needed to want it enough to take action herself.

WoundedBibi,

Your post caught my eye. A big "issue" with my BPD ex was this:

She would go on rants, (this being well into the relationship and after I had been already broken down so much):  Telling me;

Men need to lead, I want a man who leads.

Yet if I did (albeit my brokendown self) step up, lead, she would then accuse me of being controlling.

I didn't review the whole thread, but your wording caught my eye. I just found, and I am not sure if this is common with BPDs, but they say they want one thing, then the opposite.

She would say she needed space... .I'd say I havent talked to you in a week, seen you in two. I mean, a really distorted perspective on what was real and what was not.

I used to tell my brother in confidence, I felt she lived in an upside down world. Everything was backwards.

[WoundedBibi]

I can appreciate what you are saying there and yes it takes two, but I certainly was the stable person in the relationship and always calm, you seem to be emphasising on me trying to save help when it wasn't wanted or asked for, she make it perfectly clear whe I first met her by telling me she had mental health issues and wanted to deal with her issues and get better, so she kind of made it a thing from the start... then after seeing her behaviour later on I then took her telling me this more seriously... i had witnessed complete delusional behaviour, psychotic episodes much much scary confusing stuff that came from nowhere, which I believe was her past haunting her... she has done to quite a few men exactly what she dealt me you see, I believe she felt deep shame... she is probably at times feeling this now about having betrayed me... we were best friends... i am facing my issues of being a caregiver and being too trusting with people, also dealing with ptsd from the relationship with her... im no angel but I was good to her... i was too gentle and kind if anything I think

I don't doubt you were the stable one. I don't doubt she is mentally ill. I don't doubt she said she had issues. But if she really wanted the help why did you book her the appointments? She is an adult.

You write "I wanted us to work. I wanted for her to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." Not "she wanted us to work. She wanted to stop hurting me. We agreed on that." As if you were the leader and she followed you. As if you decided what steps to take and she agreed.

My point is it needed to come from her. She needed to make the appointments herself. She needed to want it enough to take action herself.

WoundedBibi,

Your post caught my eye. A big "issue" with my BPD ex was this:

She would go on rants, (this being well into the relationship and after I had been already broken down so much):  Telling me;

Men need to lead, I want a man who leads.

Yet if I did (albeit my brokendown self) step up, lead, she would then accuse me of being controlling.

I didn't review the whole thread, but your wording caught my eye. I just found, and I am not sure if this is common with BPDs, but they say they want one thing, then the opposite.

She would say she needed space... .I'd say I havent talked to you in a week, seen you in two. I mean, a really distorted perspective on what was real and what was not.

I used to tell my brother in confidence, I felt she lived in an upside down world. Everything was backwards.

You're right. Their concept of time, events etc is sometimes completely different. When something happened. What exactly happened. If things even happened; they can forget entire episodes. What was said. What words mean. And not because they are playing games or choose to interpret it differently. The brain of a pwBPD actually processes things differently.

But that wasn't the point of the thread no 

[Rickybee]

Technically it was mutual decision to get her therapy and she asked me to make the call and book her first appointment, she then handled it all herself from there, although she only went to a couple of sessions then lied about carrying them on, basically she changed her mind about therapy and convinced herself it was easier to carry on as she was, I kind of had to except that and didn't force or pressure her to continue, I appreciate your input but that doesn't ring true in my situation bibi... sorry and thank you

[Rickybee]

ps I know I said I wanted her to stop hurting me, and I wanted her to get better and have a more stable life, but she wanted that too, you are are kind of telling me I was pushing my views on her and making her feel uncomfortable, she may have felt a little unsettled and scared about finally wanting to face her demons and childhood but I was not pressuring her at all, I took it all very slow and cautious and tried to be supportive and there for her whatever her decision, I believe she was scared of ruining yet another relationship and really wanted to change and help herself for a short while, I was not on her case about this stuff I just wanted the best for her

[Rickybee]

Perhaps I should have encouraged her to stay in therapy tho, clearly nobody has got her to face her issues and try to get better, her family were of no use they were enablers and the BPD ruined all her previous relationships and friendships