Finally Sinking In - My Body and Mind Can Agree

[Depression = 72% of members]

I have been grieving a lot and finding safe places with which to do so.  :)eep grieving. And it is bringing me back into my body.  And that is frightening. I had been cut off from the enormity of the abuse and the trauma.  I compartmentalized a lot of what was done to me.  My mother's violence and abject child abuse, my father's (more of a brother than a father) invalidation of my reality of what was going on, his being checked out on tranquilizers, the Darwinian competition with siblings for what little crumbs of safety and love were available.  The enormity of what it was like to grow up with a u-borderline witch mother.  And how much trauma I experienced.  I lived through a nightmare chronically and constantly, and there was no one to rescue me.  I needed to feel as though it was my being too sensitive or making too much of it.  That was what I was taught to believe. So, that I could hold onto the illusion that I had a mother and a father. But my body was in pain, terrible trauma, terrible terror constantly.  My mind and my body were in disagreement.  My body was in trauma and terror and pain, but my mind trained and conditioned to not listen to my body, rejected what was going on below and continued to think that the environment was basically safe, and that I was just off in my understanding of reality. Mom and Dad really do love me.  All mothers lose their temper and curse and scream sometimes.  In the end, Mom cares about me and will take care of me and protect me.  My mind and body are now increasingly in agreement.  My mother was a monster, a true monster, she was never safe, she was very sick, and that was a place that no child should have ever had to live in. My mother could not truly love. Both my mother and father abused me. My mother through her violence and my father by invalidating the reality of the abuse and doing nothing to stop it. There was no one there for me. That was the reality.  I never have to be in such an unsafe place, around such unsafe people ever again.  They were my biological parents.  And they abused their child.

[Calsun]

I have been grieving a lot and finding safe places with which to do so.  :)eep grieving. And it is bringing me back into my body.  And that is frightening. I had been cut off from the enormity of the abuse and the trauma.  I compartmentalized a lot of what was done to me.  My mother's violence and abject child abuse, my father's (more of a brother than a father) invalidation of my reality of what was going on, his being checked out on tranquilizers, the Darwinian competition with siblings for what little crumbs of safety and love were available.  The enormity of what it was like to grow up with a u-borderline witch mother.  And how much trauma I experienced.  I lived through a nightmare chronically and constantly, and there was no one to rescue me.  I needed to feel as though it was my being too sensitive or making too much of it.  That was what I was taught to believe. So, that I could hold onto the illusion that I had a mother and a father. But my body was in pain, terrible trauma, terrible terror constantly.  My mind and my body were in disagreement.  My body was in trauma and terror and pain, but my mind trained and conditioned to not listen to my body, rejected what was going on below and continued to think that the environment was basically safe, and that I was just off in my understanding of reality. Mom and Dad really do love me.  All mothers lose their temper and curse and scream sometimes.  In the end, Mom cares about me and will take care of me and protect me.  My mind and body are now increasingly in agreement.  My mother was a monster, a true monster, she was never safe, she was very sick, and that was a place that no child should have ever had to live in. My mother could not truly love. Both my mother and father abused me. My mother through her violence and my father by invalidating the reality of the abuse and doing nothing to stop it. There was no one there for me. That was the reality.  I never have to be in such an unsafe place, around such unsafe people ever again.  They were my biological parents.  And they abused their child.

[PrettyPlease]

Calsun,

Thank you for posting this candid summary. So sorry you had to live it, but I'm glad you can realize it and express it like this.

And I think you're spot on about the importance of the denial/split between the mind and body. I had an experience that was similar in some ways -- I didn't have physical abuse, I had mind control, and yet that part of the outcome was the same: I believed had to tolerate physical pain ("no pain, no gain" in order to be an acceptable human being, and so from very early I learned not to listen to my body's messages -- including the messages of both the pain system and the emotions.

So I'm with you there. We need to listen and feel our own body, which knows what it needs -- to be protected, to be cared for, to relax, to be fed, to breathe, to be warm.  Because unless we get those things, we're no use to anybody.



PP

[JulesC]

Hi Calsun & PP:) I resonate with this. Think the mind-body split/disconnection from the body has been part of our survival as children. If we had really stayed with the body sensations/feelings as kids it would have been too overwhelming so the mind actually saved the day by pulling us "out" in various ways. Does that make sense with your experiences?

It's taken me years of (ongoing) somatic therapy to re-instate connection with part of my body and my felt experience of people and events. Growing up in a family with this illness is awful. Calsun I read one of your other posts and appreciate how straight-up you are about this. I see that as a great sign in healing and recovery from the horrors of your past.

I grew up with an uBPD mother, unpd enabler father. My older brother has strong pd traits and I'm divorced from a uBPD. Coming to terms with the loss, the horror, neglect and abuse in my history and how it has played out in my adult choices with friendship and marriage is so painful to face but it's the way out and I keep taking the steps. Good to know you guys are on the same highway:) Jules x

[Calsun]

Thank you, PrettyPlease and Jules.

Jules, I think your description of how we biologically adapted to extreme conditions is right on, and I did find that somatic therapy helped me, as well. Working with a very supportive therapist who provides a safe environment in which to grieve has been very healing.  We do need to leave our bodies because it is just so unsafe to be in the presence of a violent, dysregulated BPD.  That kind of chronic developmental abuse  is just too overwhelming for a child.  Peter Levine's work on trauma and how animals respond to trauma in the wild, is applicable.

I am feeling a great deal of grief and loss for all of the life that had been spent under the influence of that trauma. But I am also extremely grateful that I am coming back into my body, and that I am experiencing a thaw, that I am taking greater joy in just being.

Thank you, again!

Calsun

[an0ught]

Hi Calsun,

I have been grieving a lot and finding safe places with which to do so.  :)eep grieving. And it is bringing me back into my body.  And that is frightening. I had been cut off from the enormity of the abuse and the trauma.  I compartmentalized a lot of what was done to me.  My mother's violence and abject child abuse, my father's (more of a brother than a father) invalidation of my reality of what was going on, his being checked out on tranquilizers, the Darwinian competition with siblings for what little crumbs of safety and love were available.  The enormity of what it was like to grow up with a u-borderline witch mother.  And how much trauma I experienced.  I lived through a nightmare chronically and constantly, and there was no one to rescue me.  I needed to feel as though it was my being too sensitive or making too much of it.  That was what I was taught to believe. So, that I could hold onto the illusion that I had a mother and a father. But my body was in pain, terrible trauma, terrible terror constantly.  My mind and my body were in disagreement.  My body was in trauma and terror and pain, but my mind trained and conditioned to not listen to my body, rejected what was going on below and continued to think that the environment was basically safe, and that I was just off in my understanding of reality. Mom and Dad really do love me.  All mothers lose their temper and curse and scream sometimes.  In the end, Mom cares about me and will take care of me and protect me.  My mind and body are now increasingly in agreement.  My mother was a monster, a true monster, she was never safe, she was very sick, and that was a place that no child should have ever had to live in. My mother could not truly love. Both my mother and father abused me. My mother through her violence and my father by invalidating the reality of the abuse and doing nothing to stop it. There was no one there for me. That was the reality.  I never have to be in such an unsafe place, around such unsafe people ever again.  They were my biological parents.  And they abused their child.

I really can relate to your post. There is still anger in me due to being told I was too sensitive by my enabling mother. No, I was not, what was going on was wrong. There was a constantly invalidating environment in which I grew up and learned to tolerated. Landed be in dysfunctional relationships romantically and even at work. Conditioned to give when I should have held back or even demanded. While my father certainly was doing damage by suicide attempts, projecting his delusions and paranoia it was eventually possible for me to reject it. In some sense fighting that made me stronger and gave me a core of mental resilience. What took much much longer to overcome and caused damage on top of damage was the enabling victim stance of my mother. This was less tangible and difficult to grasp. But it mattered a lot as it validated the abuse (not of my father but another person we lived with after the divorce) and allowed my sense of worth to be eroded. And not having developed a healthy respect for my body set me up for a host of somatic problems I'm dealing with. It is no fun and takes a lot of patience to deal with this stuff, both mind and body change slowly when it comes to the fundamentals.