Experiences with BPD mom babysitting, good or bad?

[nyartgal]

Hi all,

I'm 7+ months pregnant with my first child (yay!) and unsurprisingly, my uBPD Mom is already being super controlling and weird about it. She is obsessed with the idea of babysitting once a week once my daughter is born, and I'm very uncomfortable about it for a number of probably obvious reasons.

I've suspected my Mom is BPD for a year or so---she has all the signs, including alienating every single member of my family, almost none of whom she is in touch with and of course that goes the same for nearly all of her friends and colleagues. She 75 and I think her BPD is getting worse with age. She is also getting more fragile physically.

She keeps telling me that she wants to babysit one day per week, what a wonderful gift that will be to me and my partner, and how great it will be for my daughter to have those memories of this wonderful relationship with her grandmother.

First of all, I'm not convinced my mom or her 78 year old husband have the stamina and patience required to babysit an infant. She keeps telling me that she's the only one I can TRULY trust to babysit (as opposed to a nanny), but frankly I'd be more comfortable with a young, healthy, well-trained person I could fire than her. That said, I don't know if we will be able to afford much childcare so free help would be great.

Second, she can be so incredibly moody, mean, manipulative and controlling that I don't exactly relish having her here every week and especially knowing how much adulation she will expect in return for her "generous" gift of babysitting I never asked for in the first place. My fiance is completely traumatized by his ex-wife's BPD/Bipolar/depression and finds my mom's behavior and capacity for nuttiness very stressful. I don't want him to feel trapped.

Most of all, I'm nervous about letting her BPD affect my child---I don't want this to infect another generation. She's already telling me stories about other grandmothers who are so close to their grandkids and I feel like there's far too much pressure ALREADY on the relationship with someone who is not even born yet! My older brother has no contact with her, not does his son (her grandson).

I would be very grateful for answers to the following questions:

-Do you have any experience letting a BPD mom babysit and how did it go?

-Do you have any advice for setting boundaries about the baby BEFORE she is born? What were they?

-Was your child positively or negatively affected by the contact with your BPD mom, and if so, how?

Thanks so much in advance---I would really love to hear any personal stories or advice!

[GeekyGirl]

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

How often your mother babysits your child will be completely up to you. As you know, your child's well-being is the top priority, and you need to do what's best for him/her. One thing I've learned is that I have to trust my gut instinct, and I won't leave my son with anyone or anywhere that I feel isn't right for him.

You've raised some good points--I can tell you've already given this a lot of thought.  Kids do things sometimes that try adults' patience. They are also very mobile once they're around a year old (give or take). You do need to find a lot of energy and patience to care for a young and active child. BPD aside, I have my doubts that my parents could keep up with my son!

-Do you have any experience letting a BPD mom babysit and how did it go?

-Do you have any advice for setting boundaries about the baby BEFORE she is born? What were they?

-Was your child positively or negatively affected by the contact with your BPD mom, and if so, how?

We did leave DS with my parents when he was a baby a number of times (he's 3 now). It went well for the most part. We even left him with them while we went away, which is something I wouldn't do now. I didn't find out about BPD until he was about 18 months old.

SET (TOOLS: S.E.T. - Support, Empathy and Truth) is great for communicating boundaries. You don't need to decide all of the boundaries you'll need to set now, but it's a good idea to start thinking about how much time you want your child to spend with your mother and whether or not you are ok with leaving them alone together.

To answer your question, while DS was a baby, I don't think he was negatively impacted by my mother at all. She was a doting grandmother at first. She has, however, split her grandchildren (my brother was the golden child, and it's painfully obvious that my niece is her golden grandchild), and we do not leave DS alone with her any longer. He doesn't seem to be affected at all. We limit the time he spends with my parents in general.

Most of all, I'm nervous about letting her BPD affect my child---I don't want this to infect another generation. She's already telling me stories about other grandmothers who are so close to their grandkids and I feel like there's far too much pressure ALREADY on the relationship with someone who is not even born yet!

You're already doing the right thing by thinking about limits and boundaries. You're aware of her behavior and BPD, so you're better able to plan for it. That will help you in the long run.

What are your fiance's parents like? What kind of grandparents will they be? I ask because I've had numerous conversations with my therapist (T). and I've been assured that most kids don't mind not being close to grandparents, and because my in-laws are healthy, nurturing people, DS won't miss out on the loving grandparent experience. 

[blake1974]

Congratulations on your pregnancy! If your BPM is anything like mine, what they say can tend to be much different than what they actually do. My mom lives on the other side of the country and my entire pregnancy kept saying how she wished they lived closer so she could help me out and babysit. However, the first time she saw my child she went for a bottle of wine and said she needed a drink to calm her nerves before she could hold her. When she comes to visit, she spends most of her time online, going for walks, shopping, basically anything but spending time with my now 3 year old. When I do leave my child with her and return, she tells me how good she was with them and how well she ate, blah blah blah. The point I guess I'm trying to make is that she may loose interest once the baby arrives so I wouldn't worry about it too much yet. 

[Shadowcat]

It's funny - I just posted on another board about my mother and babysitting.

It will depend on what feels right to you, of course. If you get a creepy, crawly, or otherwise weird feeling about the situation it would be wise to put a stop to it. Your child's well being depends on your decisions for him/her, and it's important to protect them above all else.

In my exact situation, my mother is very very good with young kids, especially babies. She's extremely paranoid so she watches them very carefully. However, as the child ages and starts to see through the facade she has in place - usually around teen years - she stops liking them as much (which is why I was the "evil" child - I saw through her bs at a very young age). Mine are still very young, so she does watch them for me once a week. She does use it as ammunition against me when she decides to be angry with me, though, which isn't pleasant.

I say, do what makes you comfortable. I know that after my kids were born, I grew a colossal backbone that I lacked before. Nothing matters as much as your children.

[GeekyGirl]

I know that after my kids were born, I grew a colossal backbone that I lacked before. Nothing matters as much as your children.

That's been very true in my experience too, Shadowcat.

[donniesgrrl]

I would be very grateful for answers to the following questions:

-Do you have any experience letting a BPD mom babysit and how did it go?

My mom (before I figured out she was BPD) would watch the kids occasionally, when they were babies she was fine, what caused my Breakthrough crisis was this incident: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=195214.msg12206255#msg12206255



-Do you have any advice for setting boundaries about the baby BEFORE she is born? What were they? Knowing what I know now, I do not think I would ever call on my BPD mother to watch my children no matter the age, not just because of the impact it could have on them, but because of the emotional consequences for myself



-Was your child positively or negatively affected by the contact with your BPD mom, and if so, how?  In my case my DD was very negatively affected by it.  The relationship is better now, but that is because we only see them in controlled settings and they are not allowed to be alone with my children, H and I must be present at all times.  She has proven time and time again that she does not and will not respect any boundaries or rules that we set for our children.  She is insulted when we tell them how to care for them, because they did it so well when we were younger (laughable) and they have many more years of experience so they know better.  We are moving almost 2 hours away from them soon, and I can not wait to have some physical distance from them when our DS is born in March.  



TBH, you have to do what feels right for you, if you want to try it out and see what happens that is OK, in my experience though when you give them an inch they take a mile.  It is never enough with a BPD and god forbid it doesn't work out, the blow back could be very damaging to you.  I think the best thing you can do is sit down with your DH and set some very firm and strict boundaries, what is/is not acceptable to you both, etc.  If she crosses even one of those end it and end it fast.  She will rage, and want to engage but you can not ever engage her.  If you let her push the boundaries and never say or do anything it will only get worse (much like with children) no means no, and if your wishes are not being respected do not be afraid to speak up and say something.  It is your family and YOU and YOUR DH are the final say, end of story.

Thanks so much in advance---I would really love to hear any personal stories or advice!

[P.F.Change]

Hi, nyartgal! 

Firstly, congratulations on your pregnancy!

I would be very grateful for answers to the following questions:

-Do you have any experience letting a BPD mom babysit and how did it go?

My children have never lived in the same city as my parents, so regular babysitting was never on the table. I did allow my parents to watch the kids a few times when they were very small, though. There were never any major incidents like what donniesgrrl went through (at least not to my knowledge), but as the children got older, I noticed my mother beginning to behave differently toward them. Among other things, she would say critical things to them and openly undermine DH's and my parental authority. About this time, I was in the early stages of the Survivor's Guide, coming to terms with the abuse in my childhood. I could see that my mother's behavior had not changed since then, and decided that I was not willing to risk putting my children in a situation where they would be vulnerable to it. I did not trust my parents to be safe people on their own. I decided that from then on, DH and I would supervise all visits between my parents and our children.

-Do you have any advice for setting boundaries about the baby BEFORE she is born? What were they?

As others have said, boundaries vary from individual to individual. Have you already thought about your own boundaries regarding your child? What has come to mind so far?

-Was your child positively or negatively affected by the contact with your BPD mom, and if so, how?

My parents did provide some positive interactions with my children. They attended birthday parties, recitals, sporting events, etc. As I mentioned above, most of the interactions between my parents and children has been supervised so that I can put an end to anything inappropriate. I am not aware of any long-lasting negative effects on my kids, although they would be affected indirectly as they had a completely stressed out and irritable mom when grandma was around. It also hurt their feelings that my parents would not arrive on time to visit with them. They would wake up excited that grandma and grandpa were coming and spend the next 8 hours asking when they were going to get here.  :'( I had to learn to plan other things to do and go about our day rather than sit around waiting. As blake1974 mentioned, my parents' verbal interest in spending time with my children usually far outshone their actual interest in showing up.

Have you given any more thought to allowing your mother to babysit? It sounds like you are not excited about it, and that she is insistently determined to convince you otherwise. One thing to keep in mind: There's no such thing as a free lunch. Finances are only one kind of cost. If you do decide to use her for childcare, I recommend you have a backup plan so that you are not left high and dry if she cancels last-minute or changes her mind, or if other problems pop up. Also, know what your boundaries are and how you will respond if she wants to make you feel obligated to relax them in exchange for her doing this service for you.

Keep us posted about what you decide.

Wishing you peace,

PF