I relate to what Joe says, I think she would be so helpless without me. I would just like to grab a hold of everyone and say that my wife is deeply mentally ill, and I'm really struggling to take care of her all by myself.
I get it. In the year before my separation my spouse was moaning and groaning about her life, sleeping in the guest bedroom, refusing to get out of bed to care for our preschooler until I left for work. "I've fed breakfast to son, please get up so I can leave for work, I'm already late" and I would hear back, "Then leave, I'm not getting up until you leave! Just go!"
As soon as we were separated and soon to be divorcing, she was totally the opposite. All sorts of energy, the usual physical ills of course but she did not fall apart, not one bit. Nearly 20 years later and she has work as well as owning her own small business.
Notwendy wrote this a few days ago. "We were concerned how BPD mother would manage without my father when he passed. She did a lot better than we expected.
You may also be concerned about how your wife would manage. I think she is probably more resourceful than you might expect."
Now she wants another child too, and makes me feel like an extreme pessimist for not wanting to plan for that. I really fear for the vast emotional experience of the process of having a child with her at this point.
Whether to agree was discussed at great length in your past posts. Having another child would set you back even further. If she was pregnant and then later had your baby, then you'd feel even more powerless to take back you life. You'd be set back another 5 years or more, this time fretting over two children.
Everything feels a bit hopeless right now. I want everything to work out good, but not with us as a couple. But the journey to that point is too terrifying.
This is the crux of your dilemma. Can you - will you - actually do something for yourself and for the child you already have? You know what's the hardest thing of all? Well, IMO anyway? Sitting on the fence, wanting to go but never quite going, always torn both ways.
Many of were there too, sitting on that metaphorical fence, bad enough to want to leave like a deer paralyzed in the headlights but not quite bad enough to actually take action and leave, torn as to what to do and when, if ever. I can't predict what would be the deciding impetus for you, whether to continue or to end it. It seems she has you where she wants you, available for her bidding but not quite calling it quits.
It's your life, whichever choice you make. Just remember that
not making a choice, living in between either alternative, in reality,
is also a choice.
