Codependency and Loss

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Just this week I have been forced to realize that I am enabling my partner and allowing her to turn my life upside down and sideways no matter how much it hurts me or how little consideration she shows me. I go along with everything my partner wants. Recently this included paying every bill in the house because she refuses to work. She has now decided that she needs to relocate to a city 1500 miles away to revive her career, she will not even consider finding a local position. She made the decision without my knowledge, without even talking to me about it, and she did not ask me to accompany her. I told her I would accompany her and she seemed pleased but the truth is I cannot accompany her, I am working, my mother is elderly and I have other family and friends here who I love. But when faced with losing her I just go insane. I seem to believe that I cannot live without her. I am in the throes of the most intense grief I have experienced since my father died. Our relationship was so good once upon a time and now it is so toxic I cannot bear to contemplate it. Lots of bad decisions and my codependency are the reasons. I thought my codependency was in the past because at first it seemed like this relationship was so healthy and in the beginning it was, but now I must say this is the sickest situation I have ever found myself in. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. I must say that I am confused about how much is love and how much is codependency.And I can say my partner is not acting like she loves me or that she wants to be with me. We have been together 10 years. I always thought we would be together forever... .  

[cult]

Just this week I have been forced to realize that I am enabling my partner and allowing her to turn my life upside down and sideways no matter how much it hurts me or how little consideration she shows me. I go along with everything my partner wants. Recently this included paying every bill in the house because she refuses to work. She has now decided that she needs to relocate to a city 1500 miles away to revive her career, she will not even consider finding a local position. She made the decision without my knowledge, without even talking to me about it, and she did not ask me to accompany her. I told her I would accompany her and she seemed pleased but the truth is I cannot accompany her, I am working, my mother is elderly and I have other family and friends here who I love. But when faced with losing her I just go insane. I seem to believe that I cannot live without her. I am in the throes of the most intense grief I have experienced since my father died. Our relationship was so good once upon a time and now it is so toxic I cannot bear to contemplate it. Lots of bad decisions and my codependency are the reasons. I thought my codependency was in the past because at first it seemed like this relationship was so healthy and in the beginning it was, but now I must say this is the sickest situation I have ever found myself in. I love her so much and I don't know what to do. I must say that I am confused about how much is love and how much is codependency.And I can say my partner is not acting like she loves me or that she wants to be with me. We have been together 10 years. I always thought we would be together forever... .  

[XL]

Couples in a respectful relationship will not decide on something as major as a move without consulting each other. I had an ex who did the same thing twice (leaving the country while I wasn't available to follow). In the end it was "good riddance" and I met someone better. I view it as being too cowardly to make an assertive clean break, and it's a very bad sign of passive aggressive behavior (in them). They're basically forcing your hand into dumping them so they can play the victim. They want to be dumped.

It helped me to let them go, then take some time to reengage in my friends and community. Find some new hobbies, work on growing yourself into a more stable  and happy person. Meeting some strangers at a weekly club is better than this type of garbage. The strangers will probably respect you more and be kinder to your struggles.

[maria1]

I must say that I am confused about how much is love and how much is codependency.

Hi Cult

It sound awful what you are going through. I'm so sorry you are going through this. You say your partner isn't acting as if she loves you or wants to be with you and her actions certainly are not loving actions.

Have you looked into your own codependency in therapy?

[Maryiscontrary]

Cult, this is an unbelievably ugly, nasty thing she is doing. You will be richer in money and in mental health without this nastiness. My ex did the same thing, at very much to his detriment. I say, don't let the door hit you where the dog shoulda bit you.

I would politely encourage this, move her stuff out, get the joint accounts closed out on the sly, and slam the door shut NC.

Your majesty, your wish has been granted. KABOOM.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Ouch!  That is terrible, and I feel bad for you.  10 years is a long time to be with someone and receive no discussion on such a serious matter.

How often have you put her needs over your own? 

If she is not open to discussion, cut your losses and move on.  I understand you love her, but that sounds like abuse, and at some point YOU have to be the most important piece of the equation.  Her choices are out of your hands.  You are essentially powerless over her decisions, but you do have power over what you choose.

[Diligence]

Dear cult,

I remember being caught in a vortex of ever wondering why my former spouse made decisions that did not honor our relationship.  Struggling in that vortex was exhausting!  Eventually I realized that actions reveal truth about relationships.  I also realized I do not have to understand motivation behind hurtful actions.  It is enough to recognize the truth behind the actions.  The recognition frees me to respond with choices that are good for me.  My choices are the only choices over which I have control.   :'(

Warm regards to you.  I empathize with your pain.

[Maryiscontrary]

These are great replies.

When someone refuses to honor the relationship, the only rational choice is to let them go. There is no reason to be with someone who does not honor safety and trust issues, and does not try to find solutions. This Person has the logic and foresight of a 3 year old.

I mean life will suck big time for her when you decide to cut loose. This person is not thinking rationally.

[cult]

Thank you for your replies. They are all wonderful. I am in so much pain that I can barely function. I never EVER would have expected or predicted things would go this way, with this person. She has been my everything for ten years. She treated me so well in the beginning and for years thereafter. She made me feel like a queen. The only thing that might explain (but certainly not excuse) her behavior is the fact that this past Christmas day, which was also her 40th birthday, she began to recover memories of a sexual assault that happened to her when she was 20. We just went on vacation to the college town where it happened and she took me to the site of the attack. She has been much, much worse since then. She is not working, we have no insurance and she is not receiving therapy although I am BEGGING her to go.

There is more to the story too. My codependency kicked into high gear when she lost her job in 2009. I have been her caretaker ever since, to the point of paying all the bills and etc. We really do not have a partnership. It's more of a parent-child relationship.

In answer to a question posed earlier, yes I am seeking therapy for codependency, but only since this stuff began about a week ago. I have not had my first session with a therapist yet. I did go to a meeting of Codependents Anonymous last night and I did find it very helpful.

[Diligence]

Dear cult,

I am glad you found a good support meeting.  I am glad you are seeking individualized help through counseling.  May both of these interventions comfort and nurture you.   

I am looking forward to trying a depression support meeting next week.  I hope to feel strengthened with a sense of belonging and understanding in the meeting.

Warm regards!

[cult]

Thank you... .   it is sobering to realize how dysfunctional and irrational I have become... .   I have a lot of work to do and a lot of wreckage and damage to clear out of MY life... .   how my partner and  I ended up in this predicament boggles my imagination... .   but I did have a couple of thoughts that I hope I can use to move forward and take better care of myself... .   I have made her my priority for ten years, a hard habit to break... .   each day, or even each minute I will try to make myself stronger so that I will not put up with unacceptable behavior... .   so hard to grasp the fact that I have put up with such behavior from her for many years now... .   several times in the past few years she crossed the line, last year I found a blog she created where she made many hurtful statements about me and then wrote that she wanted to break up... .   I busted her and told her she could get out, she cried and begged my forgiveness, said she didn't feel that way anymore, etc... .   she went back to work then at my insistence and I accepted her apologies but I don't think I ever dealt with my true feelings after discovering this betrayal... .   instead of responding by sticking up for myself I responded by clinging to her and the relationship, becoming very insecure, even more insecure than I normally am which is QUITE insecure... .   I used to think my previous partners were the problem, now that this has happened in my so-called "ideal" relationship which has lasted longer than any other thus far... .   I can see that I am the problem, I am the one who allows myself to be treated this way, others only get away with what I allow and permit... .   I wish I was strong enough to kick her out now, but I don't think I am. One day at a time. Thank you for being here.

[Diligence]

Oh, yes, I am an accepter of the unacceptable, too.    And, then I gag on it. 

Oh, yes, Step One in the Twelve-Step process invites us to admit that we have a problem.  It is challenging to keep my focus on my defects.   

Hope you make some nice experiences today, cult.  I am going to try that myself.   

Warm regards! 

[cult]

Ouch!  That is terrible, and I feel bad for you.  10 years is a long time to be with someone and receive no discussion on such a serious matter.

How often have you put her needs over your own? 

If she is not open to discussion, cut your losses and move on.  I understand you love her, but that sounds like abuse, and at some point YOU have to be the most important piece of the equation.  Her choices are out of your hands.  You are essentially powerless over her decisions, but you do have power over what you choose.

I have put her needs over my own since we returned to our home city in 2005. We spent a year in the Southwest. She had a great job there, but things didn't work out for me. I couldn't find work and my partner never even suggested that she become the breadwinner so I could figure things out without the pressure of having to earn a paycheck, though I did that for her later. I was relying on my mother to pay my share of the bills, I was bleeding her dry and could not live with myself. When we came back we lived with my mother for six years. She was so generous with us both and loved my partner like another daughter. My partner now says she hates my mother even though my mother has been nothing but good to her... .   partner's first job back home was awful but then she got a GREAT job, she was there for three years and then was let go... .   entirely her own fault, she refused to do what she was told... .   and that was when things really got bad. She got unemployment for the first two years which ended in 2010. That was when her depression worsened. She stayed in our small bedroom in my mother's house twelve hours a day, not leaving except to use the bathroom. She would not come out until I got home from school/work at which point we would go out to eat etc... . Clearly her mental state was eroding. I knew but did nothing... .   I thought I would rescue her by paying for everything. Seems so ridiculous in retrospect but I honestly believed that. I now can see that this was a delusion that fed into very dysfunctional patterns of my own... .   I did not yet realize my dysfunction does not come from other people, it comes from within myself... .   it took my current situation for me to realize that.

In the meantime I went back to school, got a Master's and entered my current field. I made enough money for us to move out so I told her (foolishly) I would cover all the expenses. I see now that I was enabling her and contributing greatly to her growing dysregulation... .   however with that said she displayed no desire to get back into her field, she would often state she had no desire to ever work again.  There is one example of unacceptable behavior that I accepted.

While all that was going on beginning in 2006 our nieces and nephews began to arrive, we have six altogether and soon to be seven... .   she now says she does not care that they will grow up without her... .   she has been caring for her sister's three children two days a week for three years, the children adore her... .   she is willing not only to abandon me but also helpless children aged 7 through 3... .   who love her deeply... .   who will never know her if she leaves... .   these are children for whom she has claimed love and devotion for their entire lives... .   I truly think she is having a nervous breakdown, none of this is characteristic for her... .   with that said I clearly have a lot of work to do on myself and our relationship must be radically changed if it is to survive... .  

She just emailed me to let me know she has a therapy appointment tomorrow.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Take care of you first.  Give the love you were giving her to yourself.   

I hope she follows through with her T.

[cult]

Slowly but surely. This has been a better week. She did go to T but is not sure she will go back. She is waiting for an appointment at a clinic that specializes in her area of need. I am beginning to slowly focus on myself a little more. It is hard after being focused solely on her for so long but I am starting. The support here really helps a lot. I was able to speak honestly with her about some things and she was able to respond in a loving way and meet my needs better than she has been. So I am encouraged by that, though there is still a long way to go.

[Phoenix.Rising]

It will probably almost feel like you are doing something wrong at first, by taking the focus off of her and putting it on you, but you are not doing anything wrong.  She may react negatively, or she may even experience an extinction burst (you can look up information on that topic on this site), but you will be doing what's best for you and for her.  It's very possible you've been enabling some of her negative behavior.  Keep up the good work.

[cult]

Thanks Phoenix Rising. You are absolutely right that I have been enabling her negative behaviors. The fact that she responded so quickly when I finally decided to STOP doing that tells me that my codependency has played a very big role in things. She seems to be the kind of person that needs to be reminded of how she affects other people. I am convinced my partner has a form of high functioning autism or Asperger's because she has terrible social skills in general, and really does not understand how to interact in a relationship. At the same time she can be very loving and sweet, which is how she won me to begin with.

My next big task is going to be setting some financial boundaries and limits. I am thinking that she has to pay her car insurance and her cell phone bill on her own. I pay everything right now and I recognize at this point that I am enabling her and keeping her stuck. This has to end.

[Phoenix.Rising]

I am thinking that she has to pay her car insurance and her cell phone bill on her own. I pay everything right now and I recognize at this point that I am enabling her and keeping her stuck. This has to end.

[cult]

I just wanted to update this thread. For the moment my partner and I are still together. She has been in therapy for about a month. She sees two different therapists one day each, so 2 days per week. Since starting therapy she has gotten worse as far as her ability to be present and to participate in a relationship. She is falling into a major depression with PTSD. She is gone more often than she is here and she says she just wants to be by herself. We do not spend much time together anymore. She has a friend she sees regularly and I feel that this person knows her better than I do at this point. She has become somewhat secretive with me. She wants to reinvent her life and I am not sure that her plans include me. I am still in shock over what is happening. I have been attending 12 step meetings for my codependency. Some days are better than others. I know that she loves me, but she has a serious mental illness and that trumps everything else. She is really not capable of giving me anything right now. We still live together, but this lease is up at the end of July so something might change then. I am living moment to moment, so many feelings and so much pain. I really do love her and I am not ready to give up yet. She is starting to make ominous statements about it not being fair to me that she is so limited and may be that way for awhile. She is right, it is not fair to me, but I do not want to face that, not yet. It sucks.

[Phoenix.Rising]

Cult, I hear and feel some of your pain.  That does really suck, and sounds like a very difficult situation.  I understand what it feels like to be in love with someone who is likely mentally ill.  The fact that you are attending 12-step meetings for codependency really stood out to me. 

On the Staying Board they talk a bunch about taking care of ourselves first and foremost, regardless of our partner's actions.  They also talk about radical acceptance.  If you haven't done so, you might post your dilemma on that board and seek some feedback.  It is great that she is going to therapy 2 days per week, but it may be quite some time before any real progress seems obvious.  The best thing you can do is take care of you.  How can you do that?  Do you have a stable schedule?  Are you getting exercise?  Eating healthy?  What does it mean to you to take care of you?  Do you have boundaries for behaviors/situations that are unacceptable to you?

[Blazing Star]

    

Feeling your pain cult. It sounds like a really challenging space your partner is in at the moment.

It's wonderful to hear that you have been going to your 12 step meetings, and it sounds like you are able to detach a little bit from her.

Phoenix asks some good questions about what other ways you are looking after yourself. Are you seeing a therapist at the moment too? Who else do you have around to support you at the moment?

Love Blazing Star