Advice and Help Requested

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Hello,
  About six months ago, I began dating (?) someone with BPD.  He and I have a very complicated history.  We have known each other for about 20 years.  We dated briefly when we were young (in high school), would re-encounter each other and re-ignite our relationship (or at least something about it) briefly and then disappear from one another's lives.  He contacted me a year ago to explain that he now understood why he had done many of the things he had done in our past (including a non-consensual sexual incident that left me very traumatized).  He wanted to apologize and explain from where he had been coming and also that he understood why he'd done what he had done and was deeply sorry for the hurt he had caused.  

   I felt like I was being cautious initially. I tried to keep my feelings from becoming too strong, but the more I spent time talking with him (which evolved into spending time with him in person) the more I began to feel.  The man who I had thought he was when we were younger, seemed to be the person he was 'deep inside' and who he was truly trying to become as he learns to establish his sense of self.  I spent hours and hours talking to him, doing research, reading, and trying to understand what a diagnosis of BPD means and, specifically, what it means in his case.  He declared his love for me and I held back at first.  When I did give into those feelings and tell him I loved him in return, things were great...for awhile.  We go back and forth between hearts and "I love you" to him telling me he can't be with me and that I'm pressuring him for too much.  When he asked me to be in a serious relationship- about a month into spending time together- I told him I thought it was too soon and that I wasn't sure if it was a good idea given our history, the fact that he has only been in treatment for a year, and that building any kind of future together seems risky at this point (he has told me before that his entire sense of self often resides in being "so-and-so's boyfriend/partner/husband/etc).  One thing I definitely didn't want to encourage was for him to lose himself again in a relationship and create his sense of self based purely on being with me (from what I have come to understand about BPD, and how it relates to him specifically, this would just repeat the same patterns he is trying to stop). Things were going great, but I encountered a moment of doubt.  
  
   I was very clear about what was happening, why it was happening, and that I just needed reassurance that he was not lying to me after finding out another person in my circle of friends had been elaborately deceiving several of us for over a year.  He knows I have a history of being lied to, gaslighted, and cheated on and I let him know I just needed him to tell me that wasn't what was happening.  He told me he loved me and wasn't trying to lie to me.  I thanked him and said that was all I needed.  Then, immediately after I said that he got very defensive and brought up a woman from his past that had suddenly 'reappeared' and with whom he was going to spend time.  Somehow, he hadn't mentioned her until 2 minutes (literally, this is all via text) after I told him I was getting into my own head and just needed reassurance.  He has a history of seeking validation through physical, sexual encounters, and this is a woman with whom that has occurred in the past (he cheated on his wife with this person and it led to their divorce).  He became angry with me when I asked if he would be honest with me if something physical occurred between them (something we had talked about when we very first started 'dating' again... he had said as long as we were doing whatever we were doing he would not be with anyone else physically. I had said that if he felt like he wanted to be with another woman, I would want to discuss it and be informed about what occurred because I believe in informed consent...All of this conversation occurred months ago and has been reaffirmed more than one time throughout the past several months).  He became furious with me and accused me of jealousy and invasiveness.  He went into a rage.  He told me he wasn't mad, he wasn't upset, he was livid and went off about how out of control angry he was to be in this situation.  I told him I heard him.  I didn't understand his fury, but that I was sorry it was what he was experiencing and I wish I knew how to help.  He told me there was nothing I could do or say and that I wasn't taking my share of responsibility for what had just occurred.   Hours later, he reached back out to say he was sorry and that he never meant to unleash that upon me.  That he knew it wasn't okay and that he really was trying to protect me from that "this disaster" (meaning him).  We made up, and he reassured me that he loves me and nothing between us would change.  He said I didn't need to apologize (which I had) because I hadn't done anything wrong and that he knew my asking for reassurance wasn't unreasonable.    He let me know he was going to see her (the woman from his past) and he agreed to be honest about anything that happened between them physically.  They went out, got drunk, and had "an incredible time". He said that she wanted much more (even though she is seeing someone seriously, who he supposedly thinks the world of) but that he only kissed her goodnight and was able to let her know how much he loved her as without having to have things become sexual (although that's what she wanted/wants).   His attitude towards me changed.  I didn't hear from him for a couple of days, and then for the first time in the six months or so we've been seeing each other, I had something that really shook my foundation (a violent situation occurred, involving a threat to my family/community).  

  He disappeared when I told him I was scared.  He kept distant and said he couldn't empathize with me because it would be bad for him.  Allow me to clarify that this situation involved a threat to my life, the life of my family, and to several members of my community.  A man is now in prison awaiting trial on charges because of what occurred.  This was not a small thing. He barely spoke to me after this happened.  He knew I was upset.  I told him I was freaking out and he just pushed farther away.  After almost a week of not hearing from him, he checked in to make sure I was okay (again, this was a change from hearing from him numerous times a day, always including how much he loved me, missed me, and valued me).  I told him I had been having a hard time, but that I'd reached out to others for support.  He said he was sorry that he couldn't handle "us" because I was making him feel "too much pressure" to be a certain way.  I said okay and wished him luck while I was on my way to deal with the aftermath of this violent event that had occurred.  He went for four days without speaking to me.  I finally wrote to him to let him know I was having a hard time and he came back at me angry.  He accused me of writing him off and being dismissive and that I was just trying to fight with him.  He also claimed that I had made myself unavailable to support him as a friend and that I was attempting to upset him when he just wanted to stay calm. (Evidently, he took my saying "Okay.  Good luck with everything." when I was headed to meet with the community effected by the violence that had occurred as a "goodbye") I told him I thought there had been some misunderstanding.  I had backed away because he said that's what he wanted.  I didn't expect him to cut off all contact. He agreed that he was angry that he had 'allowed' himself to be pulled into a relationship (something I had been resistant to...I kept putting on the brakes) and that he cannot take my feelings into account. He said that emotions are like a drug to him and he needs to stay sober while I'm asking him to "get high" with me.  I told him that I wasn't sure if I was still supposed to be around to help support him and believe in him through this (something he reiterated time and again from when we very first began seeing each other 6 months ago right up until last week) and know that he loves me and isn't trying to hurt me or if he really wants me to go.  He said he can't take responsibility for that. I asked how he wants me to support him through this, and he again said that he cannot concern himself with what I do.  I should "do whatever I like" and that he will behave accordingly.   That I can never understand what he's going through because I've never experienced it, he can't 'manage' my emotions on top of his own, and that I need to stop taking things personally.  Today, he reassured me that he still loves me and wishes he could change all of this.  I told him I still love him. I'm still here, I am doing my best, and I wish I could do more to help.  I realize this is a lot of information and may seem rather convoluted, but I am just so lost now.

   I really thought I was doing something good by being here for someone who said everyone had abandoned him and that he just needed someone who he loved to really love him back and believe in him and be here for him.  Does anyone have advice?  Do I just need to get out of this?  Am I making things worse for both of us?  Is there any way to stop this pattern?  Most of the time, I am a stable, patient, compassionate, and understanding person (these are all things he's pointed out time and again).  I take pride in the fact that people come to me when they need someone who will be there, will listen, will refrain from judgment, and will offer support. Is it truly that unfair of me to think that I should be able to tell a person I'm dating that I have fears too sometimes?  Is it unreasonable to think that he might offer some support when my life and family are threatened?  Please help.

P.S.  I am brand new here.  If this is not the right place to post this, please let me know which space might be more appropriate.  Thank you.

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[Ozzie101]

Hello More! Welcome!

You have definitely come to the right place. Many elements of your story are familiar to me and, I'm sure, to other members here. We get it.

That's a very scary and traumatic situation, to have your life and the lives of people you care about threatened. I'm sorry. It's perfectly natural in those situations to want and expect support and understanding from those around us. Unfortunately, pwBPD do not always act like us Nons, or in the way we would like or expect. As you've probably learned from reading up on BPD, pwBPD have difficulty managing their emotions and they tend to be highly emotional people to begin with. My guess? Your frightening situation may have scared him and triggered any number of fears and insecurities for him. While dealing with his own emotions is hard, being faced with your vulnerabilities and emotions was too much for him and he reacted by pulling away and lashing out.

Last year, I had a minor health crisis (non-life-threatening) and a bad car accident (not a scratch on me but the car was totaled). My uBPDh was supportive and attentive at first, but both ended up triggering dysregulation episodes in him and I ended up in a position of having to make him feel better.

You did nothing wrong. As I said, it's right and normal to expect support from our loved ones. But as you've now learned, this is not something you can expect from him -- or, at least, not at this point. Could that improve with continued therapy? Possibly. But, should you choose to continue the relationship, you should be aware that this may be an expectation you'll need to adjust and a need you may need to have filled elsewhere.

No one here will tell you you need to leave. That's a decision only you can make. But we can help you walk the path to making it -- and then helping you navigate once you've made your decision.

It sounds to me like he's doing a lot of projecting and dumping of emotions on you -- with the frightening situation, with the incident with the other woman, etc. That's common with BPD relationships and it is definitely not easy to deal with. And you're not alone in starting all this feeling like you were helping someone who had no one. One common thread with people here: Most of us are "caretaker" types. How is your self-care? Do you have friends or family you can turn to? Hobbies? Something that helps build your emotional strength?

We want to help so please keep posting. Again, we can't tell you what to do, but we can listen and help you sort out your feelings and emotions about this.

[MoreInformation]

Hello,
  Thank you for your response and for providing such reassurance!  As for your question(s):

How is your self-care? Do you have friends or family you can turn to? Hobbies? Something that helps build your emotional strength?

My self-care is okay, although I have noticed that it has definitely waned while I've been with him.  I have let things become far less organized and 'taken care of' in my own world.  I have even begun putting on weight, something I had battled and found a great balance with prior to having him in my life.  One challenge I'm experiencing is feeling like I can't confide in people about this relationship.  I feel like my friends would just tell me to get out of it- many would be shocked that I became involved in the first place.  After all, he's someone who has caused so much hurt in my past; why would I allow him to have a place in my life/heart after the things he's previously put me through?  My friends and family are wonderful, supportive people.  Yet, this is something I've kept hidden from most of them.  To me, feeling the need for secrecy has been a giant red flag (part of the reason I told him I wanted to go slow and not jump right into being "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" when he asked early on).  I guess the truth is that logically, I know this is untenable.  This relationship has so many barriers and challenges that I don't know how it would manifest itself as a life-long partnership.  On the other hand, I am undeniably drawn to this man.  I have deep love and affection for him.  Additionally, I think there is some part of me that is hoping to heal the pain and damage caused by what occurred in our past.  Is this logical?  Is it even possible?  The answers to those questions are probably no...  I guess one question I would ask of other people on this site is this:  Have you noticed that there is a greater attachment/pull for you when you are romantically involved with someone who has BPD (and/or other "cluster B" diagnoses)? The people who I have had the most serious relationships with and, subsequently, the most difficulty separating myself from have a "cluster b" diagnosis.  Is this intense level of emotion common for those who love people with BPD?

[Ozzie101]

Is this intense level of emotion common for those who love people with BPD?

I think you'll find it is common.
A couple of articles sort of address that, actually:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-borderline-relationship-evolves
This one is about a break-up, but has some elements that address your question:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/surviving-break-when-your-partner-has-borderline-personality

I'm sure other members can jump in with their own experiences.

One challenge I'm experiencing is feeling like I can't confide in people about this relationship.

Very familiar to me! I, too, have a loving supportive family from whom I kept details of my relationship a secret. And you're right to see that as a red flag.

My therapist told me I needed to find someone to confide in. But, she said, I needed to be careful about it. It needed to be someone: trustworthy (not likely to blab), nonjudgemental (in other words, wouldn't tell me to run or criticize my choices), loving, supportive. For me, that ended up being my parents. And they've been great. However, in a weak moment, I told my sisters and that has led to MAJOR complications since my H and I decided to stay together and fix our marriage. They're still angry and want nothing to do with H, making it clear they love and support me but do not support my choices. So, you're right to be careful.

Have you considered seeking out a therapist yourself? I've found it so helpful in dealing with my relationship and life in general, addressing things like my conflict avoidance tendencies. It may also provide you some clarity as to why you keep finding yourself in these sorts of relationships. Again, that's something that's pretty common around here and some serious self-examination can help. What do you think?

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Have you considered seeking out a therapist yourself? I've found it so helpful in dealing with my relationship and life in general, addressing things like my conflict avoidance tendencies. It may also provide you some clarity as to why you keep finding yourself in these sorts of relationships. Again, that's something that's pretty common around here and some serious self-examination can help. What do you think?

Hello,
 Thanks for your response.  Yes, I am working with a therapist.  I've spent years working on myself in and out of counseling.  I'm definitely trying to figure out why I am attracted to people who are diagnosed with "cluster B" conditions.  I've spent years being single specifically to avoid unhealthy relationships.  This just happened to be a new one in which I found myself.